Alan Wortwick Announces New Way To Be Funny

by William Fredrickson

After stepping down as Editor-in-Chef of The Daily Chapman in April for being a misogynistic racist, Alan Wortwick has now begun his new career in being a misogynist with racist undertones. His new twitter account, titled "All Over Your Chest" (@alloverurchest) launched July 22, 2010 with the tweet "Eric is not the only one experiencing difficulty with their services all over your chest."

When asked to comment on the idea of his new endeavor, Wortwick said, "First, there was twitter. Then, there was twitter all over your chest."

Alan Wortwick, creator of The Daily Chapman, graduated Chapman University May 2010 with a Bachelor of Fine Asshole in Racism and a Bachelor of Slut in Misogyny. He is now a professor of English Public Speaking at Đại Học Bình Dương (Binh Duong University) in Dau Mot Town, Vietnam. He is happily engaged and a raging alcoholic.

To check out All Over Your Chest, go to: http://twitter.com/alloverurchest

We'll have news about the future of The Daily Chapman as soon as it becomes available all over your chest.

Spring Cleaning.

Please bare with us as we do some renovation around the house. Thank you.

Article Removed.

This post has been removed from the Daily Chapman due to its depressing nature. To view this article, please visit our the Daily Chapman Archives at:

4345 N. Gadukaduk Ave

Wornton, MZ 998755-22345

Capitri, Mars

Thank you.

How Oppressed Is The Tunnel of Oppression?

by that sexy girl across the hall who won't sleep with you

The Tunnel of Oppression is an event being held in Henley Basement. The aim? To shame you into feeling bad about being an upstanding, upper-class, white, capitalist A-MUR-ican male. Unfortunately many Chapman students have mistaken the “T of O” as an event for an entirely different purpose.

Kinky Chapmanites have come out of the woodwork with their whips and chains to “oppress” their submissives. While Tunnel organizers ran about trying to clothe the latex and leather clad sadomasochists, they were reveling in the demeaning epithets being thrown their way.

“I was so excited that my Mistress allowed me to come to the event,” says alias subbykitty, “Nothing turns me on more than being called a dirty little slut.”

One organizer stood motionless, watching a young naked male being tied to a pool table, saying only, “I can’t… stop… looking.” Said organizer was later seen ripping her shirt off and offering her ass up for a good flogging.

“I’m so happy they made an event for U/us,” Mistress Noctem commented. “After the disappointment with One Big Sex Night, I was beginning to think there wouldn’t be a place for BDSM at Chapman this year.” With a crack of Her bullwhip, the last defenders of the T of O’s original purpose fled the scene, allowing the Doms, subs, and Switches to take control. Did I mention I’ve been a naughty, naughty girl?

News

by Arnold Palmer

This cricket got loose in my house. I put a plastic cup over it and slid a coaster under it and took it outside. Then I let it free. Then I felt strangely unfulfilled, so I decided to kill it. Then my vegan girlfriend broke up with me. That's when you know you go to Chapman. 

Chapman Cuts Plans For Bust of Alumnus Jelena Jensen

by Markus Droolington

Sources tell the Daily Chapman, that the Dodge College of Film and Media Arts has canceled the production of a bronze bust to be placed in the atrium of Marion Knotts Studios in commemoration of its 2003 alumnus pornographic actress Jelena Jensen. The reason? Sculptor Alanis Fillenti explains that "there was no real way to get the 34F breast size that Jensen claims to have on her website to effectively fit on top of the pre-made marble pedestal... plus, the videos that she was in... her face was so contorted in sexual pleasure for me to really get the correct contours of her face."

Some students are extremely disappointed by the news. "We finally get an alumnus who does something with their lives and Chapman refuses to support them!" said student Macky Lion. "How Typical!" Other students however are less effected by the news. "We've had a lot of really great alumni that are already represented by busts around campus," said Eileen Watkanova. "Like George Washington. There's a really great Chapman alum who did great things with his life. I really don't think Jelena makes the cut." 

"Ooo! Oh yeah! Right there!" said Jensen. "Uh! Oh! Oh! Oh! YES! I love it when you fuck me so hard!" 

Jelena Jensen graduated Magna Cum Laude in May 2003 with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Film and Television Production with an Emphasis in Producing and is considered one of the most successful Chapman graduates of the last decade.

Easter Bunny Attacks, Kills 7.

by Aaron Walker

Still disgruntled by Chapman University's secession from the Disciples of Christ church, the icon of the recent Christian holiday "Easter" known as the "Easter Bunny" attacked Chapman University's department of housing and residence life killing seven students. He was aided by his accomplice the tooth fairy who just so happened to look nothing like actor The Rock from the recent feature film Tooth Fairy.

"Nibble, nibble, nibble," said the Easter Bunny chewing on the remnants of student Adrian Watson's arm. "Crunch, crunch, nibble, nibble."

"I got your tooth, bitch!" said the Tooth fairy.

The Department of Public Safety released a statement saying, "We thought it was that kid Dave Steel taunting students with the bunny suit again. We apologize to all of the families of the students who were killed and gnawed on."

More as this doesn't develop.

Typical Spring Break Letter

Dear Fans of The Daily Chapman,

Alan Wortwick and his staff are sad to report that they will not be reporting the news during the Spring break due to excessive alcohol abuse and premarital unprotected sex. Please return Monday, April 5 for continuing coverage of all the usual bullshit that we subject ourselves to. 

Sincerely,

The Intern

The Department of Pubic Safety Formed to Save Genitals

by Enfo Marshall 

It has been reported recently that there is rampant sexual activity occurring between or among students attending Chapman University. In accordance with cheesy PSA's, there always is "that guy" in the orgy, being the one with a crippling sexually transmitted disease. Said guy comes to the party, "forgets" a condom, and comes at the party, leaving the rest of the party goers with an everlasting party misfavor.

With the steady increase of sexually transmitted diseases, Chapman administration has started to become worried about the health of their students. "The other day I saw some douchebag wearing a shirt that said 'I put the STD in Stud.' I hate people like that. I can never figure out where to get shirts like that," remarked Chapman University Chairman of Sexual Activities Involving Alternative Furniture Buckworth Genington.  

Due to alarm and concern for the intense promiscuity of Chapman students, Genington decided that funds should be spent to create a new campus safety organization called "The Department of Pubic Safety." "The Department of Pubic Safety is a great way for people to have incredulous sexual adventures while also not having to worry about the possibility of harvesting a 'virus baby,'" commented Genington. As Genington described the project, 'lame' students will be recruited to go to parties and watch for people going into situations of "sexual danger." 

"This is bullshit," stated Jeff in response to the formation of the Department. "I was getting laid when a guy pulled out a badge and told me to pull out or face the partial force of a not official law." Many students have violently opposed the creation of the Department of Pubic Safety saying such things as "What the fuck?" "Fucking cockblocking asshole," and "This infringes upon one of my amendments." There has been a reported case of Bob Shwinehowzer, wearer of a shirt that stated "Bob, the Man (arrow pointing up), the legend (arrow pointing down), who successfully finished a session of sexual intercourse while being bombarded by three officers of Pubic Safety.  

Due to a lack of student support and being questionable as to what they actually do for their job, the jobs of the officers of the Department of Pubic Safety are at great risk. With a lack of popularity, the Department funded the purchasing of sleek new mopeds for enforcing the "law," with no gain of credibility to the force. "It is unfortunate that students don't appreciate us trying to help them from getting diseases, babies, or death," stated Pubic Safety Officer Davey Shinkle. With the Department in no lack of financial resources and no support from the people which they enforce, it looks like the Department of Pubic Safety is here to stay, whether we like it or not. At least they have their cool mopeds.

Doti, Struppa, Wortwick Absent From Panel Discussion About Multicultural Center

by Eric Wright

In light of the successful creation of 3,600 new "Global Citizens" due to the Global Citizens Plaza, students in a panel discussion that no one knew about last Thursday voted unanimously that Chapman needs a several million dollar multicultural center. To nobody's surprise, many rational and economically-minded individuals including James L. Doti, Daniele Struppa and Alan Wortwick were not in attendance and are recorded to have not been in support of such a center in the past.

"We have a five year plan," said Doti (and the old balls guy from the Big Daddy movie). "That plan includes things that put us on a path to national stature, like a science facility and additions to our world-renowned film school. What do you want? Ethnic celebration or the continuation of human thought and science?"

"It's a matter of donor support," said Wortwick after a private budget meeting with Chapman President Doti and United States of America President Barack Obama. "Chapman's funding comes largely from rich, predominately white, Orange County businessmen. It's easy to convince them to help us build a science facility so that we can have engineering majors who will one day build them 80 TB Flash iPod and chemically produce super viagra. It's less easy to convince them that we should replace current plans for such a science center with plans for a building that celebrates everyone except for those of European decent and has no beneficial academic use."

"The matter of racial diversity is something that many people see as a problem," said President and sole-member of the Turkish Student Union Vladimir Misnikov. "However, I don't believe that a superficial big building that will be about as popular as the Holocaust exhibit on the fourth floor of Leatherby Libraries is the answer to making people more tolerant and racially aware. Plus, the Turkish section would be what? A foot of a wall? There's no way to adequately represent everyone. Most importantly the Turkish Student Union. Hail!"

With the superficial nature and apathy of most Chapman students, it is expected that tuition dollars will be diverted away from academics to assist in the making of the multicultural center already named "Argyros II: A Failure To Create An Actual Student Center". "I hope they have comfy couches," said student Shaniqua LeQuanza. "Otherwise, I'm never going there."

More on this as it develops.

AS Presidential Elections Racist

by a White Guy

As Chapman strides to be more politically correct and accepting of all races and demographics, studies show that they are becoming increasingly racist against caucasians. "I'm not a racist," said Jim Doti. "Some of my best friends are white."

The recent AS Presidential Elections support these allegations. "We believe that Indian Americans are better suited to lead us than dumbass white fuckers," said faculty director of Associated Students Mirenda Picurnos. "White kids are just lazy."

Although no African Americans, Asian Americans, European Americans or Aussies were found to be on the ballot either, all jokes pertaining to those groups are still considered horribly racist and will not be posted by this honky. Instead, I will go grab some grape drank and some fried rice after, of course, I throw another shrimp on the barbie. Yummy.

Vote Kahan. He got me a free cheeseburger one time.

Stupid Kid Gets iPad, World Pissed

by Angry Leperchauns

According to eye witnesses, that douche bag Steve got an iPad already by clicking one of those stupid internet pop-ups. "It was really easy!" said that total cock fuck. "I just clicked it and added all my friends on Facebook and it came in the mail!" 

That fuckwad has been seeing douching about with his iPad around campus since approximately Wednesday at noon. He was first sighted using it in Attallah plaza looking at porn. "Its a revolutionary new porn experience," said that bitch sucking twat. "I've changed how I will look at porn for the rest of my life." 

While many students are still pretty excited about the new iPad, most have been totally turned off by it. "Dude. Steve has it." said a shallow bastard. "Fuck that. I don't want to be compared to him." 

"I'm angry," said Vincent Faggio. "I have nothing more to say."

St.... PAAAddddddddies DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAYYYYYYYYYY

bygnv Agiegont worms

HOLYYYGHS SHTTTTTTTT~~!!!!! ST PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFhnmkdtties DAY! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuciuhg daiyl chapmgoes is awmdefme!!!!!!!   hjg9rsfdxijp jiasdghpies jirgsjerk;fvsnm;lg isfj slkjs iorj osrjg iosejrgiosejrgios ewif srrgljs dkfjskldgjsgjespugj awefj [9awef sk sdjvs djis dj skdjf;s djfkl;sdjf; wejfjref;ksjdk;fjsdklfjskl;djfkls;djfklsdjf irejg;werkfvdifdkfujeofjisdkjsfjlskdfjklsdjfklsdjfklsjdfklsdjfklsdjfklsdjflsdjkfljsdlkfjsdlkfjsdklfjkldsfjklsdfjklsjkldfjksldfj LEPERFSD HCAUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET SOME!

Prospective Jordanian Students Outraged by Global Citizens Plaza

by Craigory Fonzi

Prospective students from the Middle Eastern nation of Jordan were outraged Monday to learn that the Jordanian flag hung at the Global Citizens Plaza is upside down.

"You really expect me to come to a school that disrespects my country that much," said one of the students. "No way Chapman. You're never getting $160,000 out of me!"

"It's an outrage," said Jordanian Prime Minister Samir Rifai. "This is special middle finger from Chapman University. We got to war, NOW!"

Although Jim Doti was unavailable for comment, members of the Pi Kappa Beta fraternity were seen at their fraternity house across from Hooves' Liquor Mart suiting up and preparing for battle. "No A-Rab is going to take me alive," said unknown white-hooded figure. "I'm gonna fight these turban-wearers to the grave!"

Horrible, disjunctive racism aside, the flag is actually upside down. We're not fucking around here. The green bar is on the top. The black is on bottom. An image of the actual Jordanian flag has been provided for Chapman's assistance.

So much for diversity week...

10 out 10 Students Prefer To Have Meat In Their Mouths

by Angry Leprechauns named Jesus and Jose

According to a recent survey by the sociology department, ten out of ten students prefer to have meat in their mouths as opposed to weird, green, leafy things.

"Weird, green, leafy things?" said student Argentina Chipotle. "That doesn't sound sexy at all. I'd rather just have it raw in my mouth."

"I don't really know how I feel about meat in my mouth," said student Michael Perrara, "but weird leafy things just... I'll pass."

Although questions have arisen about the wording of the survey, many stand behind the findings. "Super blowsy orgy! My house next Tuesday," said Professor Whinningham.

In accordance with all sociology department surveys, no pussies, vegetarians, assholes, cum-guzzling thundercunts, lepers, depressed housewifes, arrogant pricks, Jews, people named Adam, alcoholics, recording artists, construction workers, Russians, people who use sporks, psychologists, dancers or over-emotional people in the theater department were included in the survey. The survey includes a 40% margin of error and a fourteen-inch penis.

More on this story as it develops.

Jim Doti Action Figure Release Postponed

by Arlington T. Jefferson

According to University Press, Hasbro Toys has halted production on the highly-anticipated Jim Doti action figure due to a recent ad campaign by local Orange sex shop "A Touch of Romance". The recent campaign, which has taken campus by storm, reads very simply: "The difference between a toy and an adult toy is location, location, location." 

"We really don't want our administrator action figures to be used as attachments to clitoral vibrators," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "I just don't think Mrs. Price or Mrs. Doti would feel comfortable about that. The whole BB Gun into the laundry chute was one thing. This is something else entirely." 

Students have had mixed responses. "I would've loved to say that I had Doti in my vagina," said one student. "The whole thought of the thing is really gross, actually," said another. "I ate a big red candle," said William P. Blackwell.

Although Hasbro has announced that the toys have been halted indefinitely, inside sources tell Daily Chapman that production should resume sometime next Spring. Sorry ladies. Your vaginas will have to wait one more year. 

That Kid Who Dropped Out Freshman Year Now Looking For Dates On Craigslist

by Investigative Report Alan Reeves

According to research performed by prominent party members, that kid who dropped out Freshman year is currently "searching for love" on Craigslist. "I'm not looking for anything too quick," read the ad. "I just want to not be so lonely all the time." Said like a true kid who flunked out of Chapman. 

A recent survey of college dropouts shows that Chapman students have a 98% higher chance of being so depressed that they start using websites like Craigslist and Match.com to find that "special someone". The other 2% look for Japanese sex computers.

"Its obvious why," said Chancellor Danielle Strupa. "We teach kids at Chapman how to fuck. How to fuck long and how to fuck hard. They're not up for any of this 'finding love' bullshit. We're all about hard fucking." 

In other news, studies show a 12% increase of members of the Kappa Beta Tau sorority looking for sex on the casual encounters section of Craigslist. More on this story as it develops. 

Really Neat Club Created, No One Informed

by Richard Randolf Dyck III

Sources tell the Daily Chapman that some students got together and
made a really cool club. This comes as a huge surprise to the mostly
ignorant campus.

"I had no idea," said some guy in your Political Science class (you
know, the one you get really high before you go). "We have clubs?"

Although the supposed club is really neat in conception, it has five
members to date. "It's really kind of sad," said club leader girl who
you've never heard of. "I thought we had something really neat here.
Something that people would want to be apart of. I guess people just
don't have passion."

According to that one guy who sits next to you in Pre-Calculus, the
leaders and members of this club are getting "really fucking tired" of
having "no one attend". He suspects the club will dissolve within the
week, just like your virginity the first week of college (Yeah. We
know about that. We're the Daily Chapman, motherfucker).

Chapman Announces New Calcium Anthropology Major

by Richard Dyck

Due to a recent string of sexual encounters between local Chapman commuter students and area milkmen, Chapman has decided to launch a new Calcium Anthropology program in order to train women how to respond to these incredibly attractive and debonair gentlemen.

Calcium Anthropology, also known as the study of milkmen, is a rare program among college campuses and one that Doti believes will give Chapman the upper hand. "Schmid College has been working very hard the last few years to gain recognition," says Doti. "I believe that our new Calcium Anthropology program will put us on the map and really make our Schmid College of Science a prominent place for those interested in the field."

Although official major requirements have not yet been reached, Dr. Stroviknik mentioned in a personal interview that "the coursework will include very basic classes, like human anatomy, history of milk, karma sutra for milkmen, etc. etc."

More on this story as it develops.

This is the 300th Daily Chapman article ever published (bitches).

Student Placed in Hurt Locker

by Adam Wiggly

Sunday evening at approximately 11pm, after being inspired by the Oscar-Award for Best Picture, a resident, who's name has yet to be released, took student Michael Malone and beat him senseless on the promenade between Henley Hall and Pralle-Sodaro Hall. Malone was then dragged by the unknown student to Wilkinson Hall where he was placed in a locker. The Department of Public Safety found Malone in the locker four hours later and were perplexed by a sign on the door reading, "The Hurt Locker".

"It's really an outrage," said student Andrew Martinez. "To think that a student would do this sort of thing to another student is simply horrifying."

"We have lockers?" said another student.

Research is continuing into whether or not Chapman has lockers and whether or not it should. The Department of Public Safety had this to say on the subject, "We think that lockers would be a huge issue. Too many spots to hide drugs."

"Why don't we have lockers?" said the aforementioned student.

"Mmmm... Yes... Chapman... Lockers..." said another student. "I think you're making this shit up."

SkyMall to Launch New Dating Magazine for Chapman

by Raggedy Anne

On a recent visit to Orange County, executives from The Greenspun Corporation stopped by Chapman University looking for new opportunities and new markets for future publications. Greenspun, which has spent the last 20 years in a joint venture with Spire Capital publishing a publication called "SkyMall", is looking forward to starting an all new "Chapman Dating" magazine.

"We noticed a lot of similarities between most of the individuals we saw at Chapman University and the items we sell in our SkyMall magazine," said SkyMall C.E.O. Jeff Levitt. "We ultimately believe it would be an easy and cost-effective idea because we'd be able to use formatting and concepts that we already use to sell less-than-appetizing products in our SkyMall magazine. It should be really easy and fun for everyone involved."

Although mildly offended by the idea, Dean of Students Jerry Price thinks that "it will really help Chapman students live happier, sexier lives. I ultimately believe that students should be having more unprotected sex and producing more future Panthers."

Chapman Dating is expected to be published on a semesterly basis and will be available in the seat pocket in front of you.

Student Meets Conan O'Brien on ChatRoulette

by Internet Report Andrew Melcock

While cruising around the new internet sensation "ChatRoulette" Tuesday night, student Mark Hayson was startled to have met Conan O'Brien, newly unemployed former host of the Tonight Show on NBC.

"It was a real honor," said Hayson. "I immediately put my dick back in my shorts, but before I could say hello, he was gone... There's no mistaking that hair though."

The former talk show host had little to say about the experience beyond a statement left on his twitter, which simply said, "'Jumbo' shrimp? WTF!!" Hayson's rebuttal was simply to say, "I have no idea what that means, but if Conan said it, I will cherish it forever."

In other news, Alan Wortwick and O'Brien have enter negotiations to bring the esteemed jobless man to The Daily Chapman, but unfortunately, mention of this fact was only to make the article seem longer and more impressive than it actually is and no agreement was henceforth made.

Conservatory of Music Announces Tay Zonday As Artist-In-Residence for Fall 2010

by YouPorn Star Angela Sexkitten

Monday, Chapman's Conservatory of Music announced that YouTube Sensation Tay Zonday, most popularly known for his esteemed piece "Chocolate Rain" (http://www.youtube.com/v/EwTZ2xpQwpA), which has over 48 million views on YouTube, will be joining the faculty for the Conservatory of Music in Fall 2010 as the honorary Artist-In-Residence.

"Zonday is a brilliant musician," said Dean of the College of Performing Arts Bill Hall. "He is exactly the kind of role-model that we want for our students. With his flawless voice and incredible composition talent, he is the perfect example of what it takes to be hugely successful in the music industry."

Students have mixed feelings about Zonday's arrival. "Didn't he get popular for being retarded on YouTube?" said one student. "Fuck, yeah! Chocolate Rain! Chapman University LIVE 2010! Woo!" said another. "I never thought my tuition dollars would go to a YouTube star," said Alan Wortwick. "Please kill me," said Larry Prendergast.

I've always wanted to say this: Chocolate Rain, bitches.

Daily Chapman Launches New '31 Days To Improve Your Life' Campaign

by Wallaby Shmallaby

Today, The Daily Chapman launched their revolutionary new "31 Days To Improve Your Life Campaign," which has been met with thunderous applause all over campus as hundreds of students sign-up eagerly with hopes of living a happier, healthier, more enjoyable life.

"If anyone knows how to live 'the good life'," said sophomore Adam Pensky, "It's the Daily Chapman. Those fuckers fuck a lot of bitches. I'm really excited!"

At a press conference on Sunday, Alan Wortwick announced the first week of events. "I ain't telling you fuckers everything," said Wortwick. "The good life has surprise. Dick slap!"

Wortwick describe the following event schedule for the next week:
March 1: Stop giving a shit. - Not giving a shit improves your life by drastically reducing your desire to give a shit.
March 2: Grow a moustache. - Life's better with moustaches.
March 3: Fuck Hoes. - We all gotta do it.
March 4: Wine and Cheese. - You gotta be classy, motherfuckers.
March 5: Get crunk and watch Crank. - You'll laugh like a little school girl.
March 6: Hangover Busters. - No description necessary.
March 7: Wear gay pride wear in front of religious institutions. - Necessary.

Rumors are circulating that other events may include: ending every conversation with "I'm Rick James, bitch,", excessive muff-slap day, eating a 4x4 at In-N-Out and naked day.

Truly this will be an inspirational, life-changing month for Chapman students.

Chapman Radio Actually Decent

by the Handle of Rum on my desk

"Dude! My iPod's fucked!" said Arnold Krezner to classmate Audrey Penicost. His iPod was indeed, fucked.

"Haha!" replied Penicost. "You know what would be really funny? Let's turn on Chapman Radio!"

"Oh yeah!" replied Krezner. "That shit is always horrible." Unfortunately, for their alcoholism, that shit was not horrible.

Krezner tuned his laptop to Chapman Radio's Boner Jams at 10pm on Friday night. Much to the surprise of the audience, participants of Krezner's biweekly drunken rage described the music choice as "bumpin'", "superb" inclusive of "sexy narration".

"It's weird," said attendee Michael Connelly. "I never thought Chapman Radio had the potential to be good. Especially with a show name like Boner Jams. That shit was off the hook though."

"It used to be that when I listened to Chapman Radio," said Alex Cobenly. "That I would want to drink myself to death. Now, I just... I just... I wanna dance. A lot."

Rumors that Chapman is looking into starting a new danceaholics anonymous club for all the people affected by how awesome Chapman Radio is right now have been circulating. For now, people who feel the need to shake their groove thing are expected to do so right outside the Levy / Kertes studio in Henley Basement.

Commuter Students Infiltrate Dorm Facilities

by Clayton Bigsby

At approximately 12:52 a.m., two commuter students successfully infiltrated Sandhu Residence Center whilst tip-toeing and very loudly singing the theme music from James Bond. "It was pretty obvious what they were trying to do," said sophomore Alan Kintzing. "If they weren't white and obviously retarded, we would've done something about it."

New shit has come to light suggesting that the two infiltrators may have actually been working for Public Safety the whole time. "We wanted to test the security systems that were in place," said Sergeant Blackburn. "They are obviously faulty." Blackburn then details plans for a new Public Safety ad campaign titled the "White and Retarded Doesn't Mean Ok" campaign. "We want our students to consistently be aware of potentially dangerous individuals entering the residence halls. You never know what teh Dominoes man will do."

The two infiltrators were detained on the fourth floor of Sandhu hall where they were found frolicking in front of the film floor projector making what they call "projector angels." "Seriously?" said Kintzing. "Seriously. White and retarded. Obviously Chapman students."

Chapman University signs strategic alliance with Connecticut College

by El Duderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing

In a shocking decision today, Chapman University has announced it will enter into a strategic alliance with Connecticut College, an east coast school also known for its preposterously high tuition and nearly absent reputation.

Students at both universities are being opted into a combined facilities program, a revolutionary idea which allows students from Chapman to check out books from Connecticut’s library. Chapman students are also entitled to Connecticut college e-mail accounts, and a free class on how to spell Connecticut, something 87% of polled Chapman students could not do.

Connecticut College and Chapman University will be co-founding a shared student union, which can be used by any student from either college during the normal time school is in session. The facility, to be located in Chandler, Oklahoma, will feature the largest rock climbing wall in Chandler at four feet, and a few vending machines.

Of course, such grand facilities don’t come without a price. Effective immediately, all Chapman and Connecticut college students are enrolled in a “Dual-Tuition” program. Through this program, students pay the combined tuition rate of both schools.

All is not lost, however. Students may pick one school from which to receive scholarships. Without scholarships, the average Chapman student should expect a modest $51,115 rise in tuition, bringing the total cost for a year at Chapman from $35,790 to $86,905.

“I think this is totally reasonable.” said sophomore AS Senator Lisa Reed, on her way out of President Doti's office. “Connecticut college has a great library, and all Chapman students will be able to benefit from access. It’s only fair that we pay the price.”

Ms. Reed then proceeded to count a large wad of hundred dollar bills in her hand.

Students should expect to hear more about the strategic alliance in the coming days, through frantic phone calls from their parents.

Jim Doti Hates Your Puppy

by Jonathan Appleseed

A recent survey of staunch Rightists and Republicans has shown that people who value prostituting their wallets, daughters and souls to support all that is stubborn and unfeeling have an 80% higher chance to have a dislike for small cuddly animals such as the all-new Daily Chapman puppy (photographed right).

"This serves as certifiable evidence," said Director of Chapman's Science Program Dr. Milkov Wingnut. "Doti hates your puppy. There's no two ways about it."

Other faculty and staff, however, are still in question. "I mean, Jerry Price could hate my puppy," said junior Elena Micah. "But, I think he's cooler than that. I mean look at how much he loves Tyler McCusker and Chapman Radio. They're pretty cute and cuddly. I bet if Tyler could pass the test, my puppy probably could."

Reports of Doti walking a small canine animal about campus have yet to have been confirmed. Other reports of punted small canine animals have also come in.

In other news, I write for the Daily Chapman, which means my sex life is great. I'm going to go have sex. You should rethink your life. If you didn't decided to join Daily Chapman, you didn't think hard enough.

A.S Investigating Daily Chapman Voter Fraud

by Wat Billerson

Corruption! With candidate Joseph Quintana being investigated for rigging election results, so too is The Daily Chapman being investigated for not rigging the election results! "It's absurd!" said A.S. Director of Communications Michael Julius. "The Daily Chapman had to be involved. Their the only people corrupt enough to fuck with an A.S. election. They're power-hungry slobs, I tell you! Power-hungry slobs!

With only a 13% voter turnout for this year's election, many have suggested that the Daily Chapman is "promoting apathy" and "pushing people away from Chapman." "Eh," wrote Alan Wortwick in an e-mail to A.S. "I just like, don't even fucking care, man. Why are you asking me these questions. Elections are a joke... I voted for my nutsack and it had a high probability of winning! ... Can't wait to see the election results."

"The election results should be available as soon as somebody gives a shit," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "For now, whatever. I'm going to lunch."

Film Students Still Disillusioned By Brad Bird

Last week, Chapman film students were wowed and honored by a visit by Disney Pixar's Brad Bird, who has directed and produced many successful films, including but not limited to "The Incredibles" and "Ratatouille." His question and answer session was reported to be "informative," "interesting," and "life-shatteringly fucking depressing."

"Yeah Brad Bird was awesome," said Bronson Maguire, a sophomore digital arts major. "He spent two hours showing us the life we'll never have. Awesome."

"He said he was happy to visit a quaint little university like Chapman," said Lisa Verity, also a digital arts major. "Why the fuck didn't I go to USC? Oh, right, I'm poor."

Many other students resorted to cutting themselves and crying in dark rooms while listening to Right Away, Great Captain. "I just..." sobbed film production major Lindsay Paige. "I can't go on. I... I was never accepted to USC. Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I just ended it all? I will never be Bird-Good."

Having adopted the word "Bird-Good" many students are rallying in an effort to "make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-Good." "We have something to stand for," said a senior film studies major known only as Douche Bag Dave. "We gots to be more Bird-good. We got to make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-good, or we're totes all gonna fucking fail. I don't want to be looked at as a presh Chapman kid no more. I want to be awesome! Dave-awesome! Bird-good!"

This will never happen. None of us will ever be Bird-good. How's that summer internship at randomgoddamnorangecountykindoffilmrelatedplace looking now? Yeah, pretty fucking good.

Off-Campus Student Has Nothing To Complain About

by Cagilous Nick

Today, Mitchell Watson woke up promptly around noon. "I had breakfast at Chipotle," said Watson. "That's when you know it was a good day."

He then proceeded to masturbate several times and played Bioshock 2 for three hours. Microwave lasagna dinner and then he finished off the day with a bottle of gin, some tonic water and a blow-job from his special lady friend.

"All in all, it was a pretty good day," said Watson. "I really have nothing to complain about. Living off campus is great. I haven't seen anyone who deserves to be dick slapped across the face all day. It's great."

In other news, I ate a big red candle. That'll be all for the Daily Chapman. Good night.

Resident Shoots Neighbor for Playing Kanye West; Chapman Pressing No Charges

By Samson Sancho

Colin DeMaggio, a freshman living in Glass Hall, is currently in critical condition after being shot in his dorm by another student who lived next to him. DeMaggio had been playing Kanye West’s album “808s & Heartbreak” as loud as possible for seven months straight. The entire hall shook every time DeMaggio played the album due to his incredibly loud bass, annoying everyone in the hall.

However, one night a brave student decided to stop this act of douchery. Jason Waznak, DeMaggio’s neighbor, had dealt with DeMaggio’s obnoxious bass all year long.

“Everyone asked him to stop, but he kept claiming that his music wasn’t that loud – and that everyone should hear Kanye West all the time anyways,” Waznak said.

At 12:23 am, DeMaggio had turned his stereo up as loud as it could possibly go. Many noise complaints were filed, but were ignored because all the public safety officers were busy busting students for smoking weed on the top of the Miller Parking Structure.

“That’s when I decided that enough was enough, this douchebag must die,” Waznak said. He then acquired a Glock 19 handgun from “a friend” and knocked on DeMaggio’s door. When DeMaggio answered, Waznak politely asked him to turn down the music once more.

“When I went in, I realized that he was only turning up bass of the song. He didn’t even turn up the treble, so the song was completely intelligible. It’s like the only reason he was playing it was because he knew it was really fucking loud – so I shot him,” Waznak said. The shot went cleanly through DeMaggio’s voicebox, possibly rendering him unable to speak for the rest of his life. When the gun shot occurred, it was followed by enormous applause.

The entire hall had thanked Waznak for finally bringing peace to the hall after seven months of dealing with a gigantic douchebag. Jenny Seidlitz, another resident living in the hall, was ecstatic to hear the shitty music stop.

“Jason Waznak is a hero. I can’t even begin to explain how annoying it was to constantly hear that asshole blast his bass as loud of possible,” Seidlitz said. According to Seidlitz, Waznak “totally got laid that night.”

Melissa Hedrick, the RA of Waznak’s hall, also joined in the celebration. According to Hendrick, Waznak is not only receiving absolutely no charges, but is being considered for an award of honor by the House of Residence and Housing.

“Of course we’re not going to charge Waznak, he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he was proactive in making the hall a more comfortable place for the residents and we thank him for that. If he decides to apply to be an RA, he’ll totally be on the top of the list,” Hendrick said.

DeMaggio’s parents have also had a positive reaction to the shooting, believing that their son “had it coming.”

“Seriously, if you’re going to be that much of a douchebag, you just have to assume someone is going to shoot you. Frankly, we’re thankful of his neighbor for teaching our son a valuable lesson,” DeMaggio’s father said. Both of DeMaggio’s parents have refused to see him in the hospital.

“All I know is that Colin’s paying for his own God damn hospital bill,” DeMaggio’s father continued.

Now the hall is peaceful and enjoyable. People still play music in their dorms, but at reasonable volumes. Waznak also suggested that the type of music DeMaggio was playing may have been a factor in the shooting.

“Kanye West blows dick anyway, seriously. And when you just hear the bass of the song, you can really realize that Kanye can’t keep a beat at all. I’d rather listen to Cher than Kanye,” Waznak explained.

Neither Kanye West nor Cher could be reached for comment.

Daily Chapman Staff (and Chad) Endorse Cock-Sucking Major

By Eileen Dover

At a press conference Monday, Rev. Dr. Alan Wortwick, Editor-In-Chef of The Daily Chapman, publicly announced the support of The Daily Chapman for Chapman University’s new “Cock-Sucking” major and minor programs. “I have received far too many blowjobs from far too many young men and women at this university who don’t know what they are doing,” said Wortwick. “I endorse any program that makes sure that no bitch is gonna bite my dick off.”

Chapman’s revolutionary cock-sucking curriculum has come under wide scrutiny, most of which result in the school being called "trampy", "slutty", and/or "skanky." "That's fucking disgusting," said sophomore Adam Niggardly. "That's even more gross than that Twatsauce Couch article that Daily Chapman put out."

However, Chad has stated his full fledged approval for the motion. "Chad approves," said Chad after Monday's press conference. "Mucho gusto." Thank you Chad. Thank you so much.

Final Valentine's Day / President's Day Weekend Statistics

by Officer John Minkle, Chief of Security, Offices of the Daily Chapman

Here are the final statistics for the Offices of the Daily Chapman between the dates of February 12 and February 15.

Registered Staff Members in Office for Over 24 Hours: 5
Guest Entrances: 72
Sessions of Intercourse: 216
Positive Pregnancy Tests: 18
Handles of Vodka Consumed: 6
Handles of Rum Consumed: 11
Handles of Gin Consumed: 4
Liters of Mixers Consumed: 43
Feelings of Remorse: 12%
Positive Sexual Experiences: 91.5%
Individuals Anticipating Future Relationships: 23
Dumb People Engaged In Intercourse: 23
Articles Written: 0

Overall, numbers show a 42% increase in satisfaction from last year's enjoyable activities. To register for the 2011 Holiday Weekend at the Offices of the Daily Chapman, contact Alan Wortwick at awortwick@dailychapman.com.

Super MASH Bros!!!

The Daily Chapman recommends tonight's Super MASH Bros concert in the Chapman Gymnasium if you are in the mood to shake your groove thing. Doors are at 9:30 pm. See you there.

Chapman Administration Announces Plans for Ropes Course Between Sandhu Residences and Cafeteria

by Richard S. Huge

Wednesday, Chapman Administrators announced the inclusion of a new ropes course in between Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria facilities. "Students have bitching about not being able to directly from the dorm building to the cafeteria," said Assistant to the Vice President Adam Malone. "So we've decided to put in a ropes course between the Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria. If you little fuckers want to take the short way to the caf, then you can tight rope there."

The decision has been greeted with much excitement. "I'm stoked," said student Anna Nuñez. "I've always wanted to zip-line to dinner."

Others are less excited. "How the fuck do you expect me to get my fat ass across a rope? Seriously." said that kid Dave that no one likes.

Other than Dave, there's really been little complaint and we all hate that asshole anyway. So, yeah. This is a good thing. This is the word of the Lord.

Public Safety Car Frightens Student

by Michael Podaras

Last night, at approximately 11:38 p.m., student Andrew Benton was terrified to see that he had made an illegal u-turn directly in front of a dark colored Dodge Charger whilst attempting a daring street parking maneuver outside of the Davis Apartments. "For about four seconds I was terrified that I was going to receive some sort of citation," said Benton. "Then I realized it was our ever charming and responsible Department of Public Safety! My feeling of safety and comfort was restored."

This marks the first and only time that a Public Safety officer has been able to successfully terrify a student. "It's a matter of vehicle," said Law Enforcement Analyst Mitchell Rainert. "The Charger is an absolutely terrifying looking vehicle. You see that car and you think that some macho guy who has taken so many steroids that he has to compensate for his length challenged genitalia is going to step out and whip your ass. Then a friendly, lanky Public Safety officer steps out to ensure that you're not drinking or parking in the wrong area and that's when you realize: the Public Safety car is far more terrifying than the actual officers."

After their failed "Don't Fuck With The Law" campaign (see left) rumors have it that Public Safety is yet again working on their public image and working on a "Your Friendly Neighborhood Public Safety" campaign. Uniform changes to more productive blue and red spandex are expected to happen in the coming months. Let us all take time to thank our local officers for making our lives so much more safe and pleasant.

Fraternity is COMPLETELY Sincere

by The New Guy

Americans everywhere are questioning the legitimacy of fraternities’ hazing rituals after recent reports surfaced of activities which resulted in life-threatening injuries to students across the country. Nationwide, Colleges have instituted strict no-hazing policies, but the question still lingers on the Chapman University campus, if the Greek system here has allowed, or even encouraged, the brutal hazing rituals that are now illegal in most states.

One such fraternity in question is Pi Kappa Alpha, whose “Hell Week” practices of the past have caused three prospective pledges to break bones, three more to contract venereal diseases, and several more to develop severe cases of post traumatic stress disorder. “Yeah, that pledge class was pretty weak,” stated the president of PKA’s Chapman chapter, Nicholas Marcuso, in an interview given inside PKA’s fraternity house. “You’re talking about that class from two years ago with all the broken bones and herpes and shit, right? Yeah, they kind of sucked. But they made it through and now they’re full-fledged brothers! And I think it’s a sign that nothing really bad happened to them because they carry on those same traditions to this day.” Marcuso indicated several fraternity brothers on the front lawn covering new pledges with honey and periodically shaking a large crate labeled “Vicious bees.”

“We’re very conscious of the image fraternities have in the mass media right now, and we want to make it known, the Pike brotherhood actively opposes hazing. It’s just wrong. That’s why we allow only respectful, un-coerced, safe, ‘Initiation Activities.’…We’ve always put our pledges through a highly selective screening process, and we always will,” Marcuso stated while globbing a fistful of Vaseline on to a broom handle. “Our fraternity has a rich tradition of excellence in all areas of life, from athletics, to refusing to cooperate with the authorities.

In a tour of the fraternity house, Marcuso showed off the myriad trophies and works of art adorning the walls. “These are my class’s paddles, mine’s the one with the bullseye on it. And next to it, that’s the class before mine’s paddles. Uh, next to those, that’s some more paddles, upstairs we have most of the older classes’ paddles. We actually had to put a lot of paddles in storage so most of them aren’t here.” When questioned about the disturbing smell emanating from the basement, Marcuso explained, “Don’t worry about that.”

Out on the front lawn, that day’s Initiation Activites were in their fifth hour. Ten pledges, eight freshman and two sophomores, stood perched on blocks of ice while reciting the pledge of allegiance in Spanish. “I like this one because it’s ironic,” explained Chad Dumont, a Junior in Pi Kappa Alpha. The pledges' enthusiasm for such acts seemed questionable, but the prospective members were all informed by senior brothers in the house that, “They love it.”

One pledge, Thomas Kesey, had his ball gag removed long enough to voice his enthusiasm for the Hell Week process. “It’s tough, yeah, but we just have to be tougher. Someday we’re going to be the leaders of this organization, and our younger brothers have to know they can trust us. I’m wearing this adult diaper all week because it means something.” When asked if he could hear crying coming from the garage, Kesey replied, “Nope.”

Back in the living room, Marcuso further pontificated on the future of PKA while adjusting his chair, Freshman Mike Huntley. “We realize our brotherhood has something of a tarnished reputation, and we’re taking steps to change that by reaching out to the community and really trying to make a difference, you know? That’s why, all last weekend, we had our pledges out on the side of the I-5 picking up garbage in wedding dresses. It’s because community.”

Marcuso concluded the interview by elaborating on his idea of the perfect fraternity brother, one who embodies his Pillars of Excellence: Fidelity, Loyalty, Stoicism, a Somewhat Unreliable Memory, Forgiveness, and Shame.

So has the university’s Greek system institutionalized abusive practices against potential members? The answer, for now, appears positive. But one challenge that will continue to hang on Pi Kappa Alpha is the disappearance of one Kyle Dorsey, one of the fraternity’s pledges from last year who went missing right around the time he was going through PKA’s Hell Week. As to whether or not he remembered the freshman, Marcuso replied, “What? I…No, no I don’t have to answer those types of questions. Why are you… Wait, you’re not a cop right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. That’s a thing, right?” After staring at his hands in total silence for twenty minutes, Marcuso added another pillar of excellence, Being Able to Forgive Oneself. “Also, wrestling.”

Chapman Department of Housing and Residence Life Soon To Take Over World

By Anal Dinosaurs

In an editorial released on The Panther online today, Jerry Price discussed Chapman’s new plan to take over the world. According to Price, the Department of Housing and Residence Life’s sovereignty now extends to all off-campus housing. “[If] off-campus incidents [are determined]… to the level of an egregious disruption,” says Price, “disciplinary action will be taken.”

In accordance with the new plan, the City of Orange and other surrounding cities will be divided into special districts, which will be governed individually by Resident Dictators (RDs) and their assistants, deemed Dictator’s Official Undergraduate Cops Having Executive Sovereignty (DOUCHES). These DOUCHES will stop by occasionally to off-campus residences to make sure that your residence is devoid of alcohol, marijuana and heroin and to tell you about cool bake sales and movie screenings. In the occurrence of a noise complaint or other egregious disruption (including smoking outdoors in close proximity to your residence, possessing candles or toasters, and putting tacks or nails into your walls), the DOUCHES will cite you and return said citation to the area RD, will take appropriate action.

“We trusted that students would be intelligent enough not to have candles in their homes and risk the destruction of their residence,” said Assistant to the Resident Director Michael Burle. “I guess we misjudged our student’s ability to possess common sense.”

According to Price, these new measures will take effect immediately and any individual with two or more of said “egregious disruptions” should expect immediate probation with the potential for suspension on the third. Rumors that students who have already committed in excess of six “egregious disruptions” in the past are to be dick slapped immediately have not yet been confirmed.

Students with questions regarding this new policy should e-mail Jerry Price at jprice@chapman.edu.

Closure

The Daily Chapman is currently closed in observance of the Grenadian Independence Day Holiday weekend. To voice your concerns or complaints, please e-mail admin@dailychapman.com.

Daily Chapman Relinquishes Control To College Republicans; DailyChapman.com Now Best Thing Ever

by Aaron Schmitt

After over a week of aggressive negotiations, owners and operators of the former "Daily Chapman" have willingly and authentically handed over control of their fun and games newspaper to the incredible powers that be in the College Republicans club.

"We're extremely excited," said Vice Chair Nicoli McKale. "DailyChapman.com now stands for the greatest moral force in the galaxy. We will band together as a university and everyone shall hear, 'Hail Pete the Panther!' as we march through our glorious campus, free of homos and abortion."

Under the new authority, DailyChapman.com will now be a gajillion times better. It will openly oppose those homosexuals and abortion, as well as women's and race rights. It will also demand lower taxes, raise tuition rates (to support the great Jim Doti and Pete the Panther), move in a direction towards the Christian right and only focus on that which is most important to us as human beings: our money.

For the first time ever, the GOP will finally have a voice at Chapman: a voice that opposes those goddamn hippies and stands for that which is morally right. We promise you that we will forever support Chapman and lower taxes, that we we will forever support truth and jusitce, pro-life and Proposition 8. We will be a power. We will be a voice. We are DailyChapman.com: The GOP's First and Only News Site Devoted to School Spirit.

Thank you for your support of this transition. May God bless you.

HeLP!!!

We're bing hunteD! Bald white men, shotguns. Santiago Cayon. Senf fop help. Bein picked off won't last long. Wortwick shot. Plz help.


Sent from my BlackBerry by Verizon Wireless.

Help Us Find Alan Wortwick!

Dearest Members of the Chapman Community,

It is in sadness and desperation that I must write to you today. An unauthorized post was published Wednesday in bad humor citing that specific government officials see the operations of The Daily Chapman as "promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and are trying to take us down. Their first blow has come hard and without warning.

Dr. Alan Wortwick, Co-Creator and Editor-In-Chef of The Daily Chapman, has been missing since he was reportedly released from City of Orange Police Custody on Saturday at 3:00 p.m. His whereabouts are completely unknown. With the recent unauthorized posting, we suspect that there has been a government intervention.

The Department of Public Safety also reported the removal of Wortwick's vehicle from the Lastinger Parking Garage sometime today. It doesn't add up. No one in their right mind would want to steal a 1974 Dodge Dart. Nobody.

We ask of you, no, we beg of you. Anyone with any information regarding Alan's whereabouts should report to myself or Larry Prendergast immediately so that we can decide how to proceed.

We appreciate all of your love and support and hope that in this time of desperation that we may continue to be the campus community that has been the family to all of us here at The Daily Chapman for so long.

Thank you for your time. Please help us find Alan.

Best,
Kyle Ormiston
Director of Business
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
kormiston@dailychapman.com

Missing Vehicle Report

submitted by the the Department of Public Safety

In compliance with the “Timely Notice” provisions of the federal Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus Crime Statistic Act of 1998 and because of our belief that an informed community is better equipped to protect itself, The Chapman University Department of Public Safety is giving notice of an incident which occurred in our community.

Missing Vehicle

DATE & TIME OF OCCURRENCE: January 21, 2010 between the hours of 3:00 AM and 10:00 PM

LOCATION: Lastinger Parking Structure

REPORTED OFFENSE: A white and vomit green 1974 Dodge Dart, license plate number "MYBALLS" was reported to have been removed from the Lastinger Parking Structure sometime between the hours of 3 AM and 10 PM on Thursday. The vehicle, belonging to a Dr. Alan Wortwick was on loan to an unnamed student when it was taken.

SUSPECT DESCRIPTION: Unknown

WEAPON USED: Unknown

SUSPECT VEHICLE: White 1974 Dodge Dart, California License Plate # "MYBALLS"

Anyone with any information regarding this vehicle or Alan Wortwick is to contact Orange Police Department immediately. Thank you.

Cheney Moves To Shutter Daily Chapman

by Detective Joe Wombat

Citing an obscure executive order put in place after the 9/11 attacks, Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Daily Chapman a “terrorist organization promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and called for the immediate arrest of Alan Wortwick, editor-in-chef of the Daily Chapman.

Executive Order 66 was passed into law on September 13, 2001, when Cheney slipped the wording of the Executive Order into a pile of letters that then President George W. Bush signed. The order allows ex-vice presidents whose last names begin with C to declare limited martial law at any time.

Chapman students have become concerned during the past four weeks as the number of black helicopters circling the campus started increasing. After several hours, it became clear that someone, most likely Cheney, had called the Terrorist Weapons And Training Squad (TWATS) out to locate and detain Wortwick.

Wortwick, thought to be of country for the past six months, is suspected of obtaining weapons of mass destruction in his travels to Europe. It is widely held by anti-terror experts that he had brought back enough objects disguised as gifts to assemble an object resembling a "refrigerator" or “television” or “suitcase” bomb. The TWATS, also known as “The Men in Black”, have been vigorously interrogating associates of Wortwick’s in the hope of locating him. Wortwick’s attorney, Moe Bilkym, was unavailable for comment, and seems also to have disappeared, most likely in accordance with PATRIOT Act.

“Wortwick and his aggressive, well thought out, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism must have been seen as a serious threat by corporate interests located in the United States and China, as well as by Rupert Murdoch, “ George Huxley, media analyst opined. “I’m pretty sure these charges are trumped up and may have something to do with the price of a share of Halliburton.”

“We have a place for the likes of Wortwick, “ said Ex-Vice Cheney,” Somewhere that makes Guantanamo look like a Club Med. We have a whole new definition of water sports in those places.”

In the meantime, sources say that Wortwick’s whereabouts remain unknown. However, in accordance with standard treatment for terrorists in the recently released Executive Order 66, he could have been secretly injected with HG Hormone and ground into McDonald’s ¼ pounder patties.

Student Invents New Twitter Notification Device

by Adams McKneely

Student Micah Andres announced the development of what many are calling "the most advanced Twitter Notification Device ever developed." "The device, nicknamed the "Twitter Twatter", is a vaginal insert that vibrates every time someone updates a twitter account that you are following," says Andres. "I believe that it will revolutionize the speed at which information moves. Now you won't be able to ignore Peter when he is making a sandwich."

Although the product is still in development, Andres expects commercialization in fall of 2011, with a possible early release for Chapman Students. Keep an eye out for your very own Twitter Twatter, coming your way very soon.

College Apartheidist Club Meeting Canceled

by Ryan Melkins

All students please be aware that the College Apartheidist Club meeting scheduled for Monday, January 18 at 8:00 p.m. has been canceled due to being heartless and idiotic. Students who were planning to attend are encouraged to attend the Chapman Lynching Club meeting which meets Wednesdays at 4:30 p.m in Henley Hall Room 353. Bring your rocks and whips and get ready for some good old-fashioned family fun.

Your Friends Think You Have A Drinking Problem

by Intervention Specialist Barney McGrave

"We didn't want you to hate us," said your friend Kayla, "but this has gone too far. You have a drinking problem." Kayla is the most recent combatant of your raging alcohol problem, but this has been going on way too long.

"I'm not putting you on the couch if you collapse like that again," your friend Brad said while wiping your vomit and feces from his floor. "Shit! Why the fuck do I even clean up after your drunk ass. This shit is gross."

A recent survey says that 98% of your friends think that you're an alcoholic and 68% believe that without alcohol, you will shake nervously. 78% of your casual acquaintances, however, can't think of you as anything but a crazed stoner.

"Seriously, man" said Brad. "Lay off the sauce. You're not helping anyone, including yourself."

The Daily Chapman would agree, but that would be a bit hypocritical. Oh well.

Chapman's New Abstinence Club Sexually Frustrated

by Milton Wattoms

Thursday, Associated Students approved of Chapman's first ever "Abstinence Club". "Its a club for people who want to wait until marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse," said founder Robert Munson. "I know I'm not the only one out there."

Unfortunately, Friday night, it was found that Munson was the only one. Spectators found the event to be "a room full of sexually frustrated and eager" men and women who "more than likely are so kinky that they masturbate with stolen cheese."

"It was the makings of a disaster," said attendee Morgan Jacobson. "25 people who haven't had sex in 18-22 years... It was obvious what would happen next."

Of those in attendance, 24 followed the event by returning to their dorm rooms in pairs and "fucking so loud I could hear it through the vent," said ear witness Joshua Mancrave. "It was a symphony of fuck."

Munson returned home and played Xbox Live alone in the dark. He has not been seen without his Xbox controller since the incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.

Daily Chapman Too Drunk To Remember Its Own Birthday

by a pair of three-winged geese

Although Thursday, January 14 was supposed to be the joyous celebration of one year of the holy Daily Chapman, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick admitted, "We were all too drunk to remember why it was that we were drinking."

Sources tell the Daily Chapman that senior staff members Alan Wortwick, David Polenski, Kaden Saliss, William P. Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea were detained by City of Orange Police Friday morning for drunkenly singing, "God Bless America" in the nude at the corner of Glassell St. and La Veta Ave.

"It was appalling," said Orange community member Linda Korowitz. "Why on Earth would Orange Police detain five such exquisite examples of the human form. That image will be burned into my mind for months! So... Hot!"

God Bless America.

Daily Chapman Author Falls Asleep Writing Article

by Stewart McKneely

Tuesday, there was this guy who did this stuff and it was really, really weird. Then he told his girlfriend and she was like really excited so they did naughty things and then he got really really tired and started thinking about sheep and then all gyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukli.oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Today's Fan Mail

Submitted by Alex Prikhodko

Today, we received the following fan mail:

Hi and Happy New Year!

I came across your site while researching Google Images for keyword "phil michelson" and one of your pages (http://www.dailychapman.com/) was ranked on the 32nd page of the Google Images search results.

I'm sure there are plenty of your other images in Google Image Search for many different keywords as well, it's just I came across this one first. Anyway, I looked through your site and correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you are getting a lot of your visitors from image search, like Google Images, Yahoo Image Search, etc.

What if I told you that my team and I have developed a tool that reports on your site's rank (position) in all search engines for all keywords? Meaning, you know exactly where your site is ranked in Google, Yahoo, Google Images, Google News and so forth for each and every keyword.

Interesting, isn't it? :)

Installation is very simple, no programming or previous knowledge required. Please feel welcome to create your own account.

Anyway, thank you for your time, and don't hesitate to email me with any questions or comments.

Thanks,
Alex Prikhodko
Lead Developer of expo-MAX Real Analytics

----

Dear Mr. Prikhodko,

We're The Daily Chapman. We don't give a fuck.

And why the hell were you searching "phil michelson" on Google Images? Creeper.

Affectionately,

Alan Wortwick
Editor-In-Chef
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
awortwick@dailychapman.com

Thoughts from The Daily Chapman's Incoherent Gypsy

by The Daily Chapman's Incoherent Gypsy

Something, something, something, Interterm. Something, something, something, alcoholism. Something, something, dorms. Something, twat, something, food, something, something, and that's why I don't wear a yamaka.

Jerry Price Secretly African American?

by John

In his most recent edition of his weekly announcements, Jerry Price announced that there will be no announcements next week" because "the Martin Luther King holiday." "He's gotta be black," said junior Johnny Stewart. "No man would use 'Martin Luther King Day' as an excuse unless he was A- black, B- lazy or C- both."

Recent sightings of Jerry Price blasting the Wu Tang Clan in the KFC drive thru and a discovery of grape drink in the trash of offices of the Dean of Students point towards Price's racial curiosity. "After receiving feedback from students about wanting later dinner hours," said Price. "Restaurant Services is moving the dinner serving hours in Sandhu cafeteria to 5:30 to 7:30 PM Monday through Friday."

Price was also reported to suggest changing the Sunday dining service to include a free surviving of Rosco's Chicken and Waffles in observance of "the holy day."

"What's greater than having breakfast and lunch at the same time?" said student Kwame Nkrafta. "It's just awesome. Who wouldn't want that? I hope Price don't fail me this time."

Student Wants Black Friends for Birthday

by the Academic Dean of Drug Abuse Dr. Michael Scottstan

Friday, student Mitchell Craig realized the he was sitting in a room full of "stupid, obnoxious white people." The party, thrown by Chapman's only ordained Jewish fraternity, Sigma Beta Mu, consisted of twenty-six white men and a bong. "That was when it hit me," said Craig. "I need some black dudes in my life. These pasteys just ain't doing it anymore."

Sources tell the Daily Chapman that Craig spent his Saturday night in a drunken stupor, pontificating his desire to be the first white dude to join the Black Student Union, much to the dismay of white Black Student Union member Bob Goldstein. "That whitey ain't got no clue what he talkin' bout," said Goldstein. "This shit is real."

Craig cordially invites all of Chapman's African American students to attend his birthday party at his house on W. Adams Ave next Sunday night at 10pm. "All I want for my birthday this year," said Craig, "are some black friends.

"I'm not racist... Some of my best friends are white."

Student Left Twatsauce All Over Your Couch

by Ernie Palm

No fucking way, man! No fucking way! There is twatsauce all over your fucking couch man. Check it out! It was fucking James wasn’t it? I know man. Who the fuck else was on your couch last night? Fuckin’, it was that Summer slut wasn’t it? She’s such a fucking bitch. I can’t believe… with fucking James, too. Left fucking twatsauce on your fucking couch man. YOUR fucking couch. Fuckin! Holy fucking shit! It’s all over the fucking rug. This twatsauce shit is all over the fucking rug! Who the fuck is going to clean your fucking rug man? AND your fucking couch? This shit is fucking horrible! I can’t fucking believe it!

Fuck. Dude. What’s this? Fuckin’… There’s blood on the carpet over here. What the fuck is this? Summer was a virgin? No fucking way. Not fucking possible. Twatsauce on the couch and the rug, blood on the fucking carpet. Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hahaha. Oh my fucking God. She was on her motherfucking period man! There’s a fucking bloody tampon in here man. This shit is fucking gross! Fuckin! Think of James with a bloody fucking knocker man! That shit is GROSS. Holy fucking shit! He is never gonna live this one down! Fuckin’ prick! Holy shit!

Campus Shitting Itself Over Filming In Orange Circle

by Your Buddy Chuck

For the last three days, an unknown film crew has been shooting an unknown film in the Orange circle. "They're totally filming part of Iron Man 2," said student Casey Bennett. "Jesus! Is that a Porsche with a film rig?" asked student Hellen Barter. "Indeed, it is," said Jesus. 

Although Chapman University is one of the most well-respected film universities in the world, it appears that everyone still shits themselves when they see a movie camera. "It's just so cool," said Bennett. "To think that I'll be watching Iron Man 2 and see the circle is just dope." 

"The traffic is so shitty," said student William P. Blackwell. "I don't give a crap what their doing. Just move it along. I know you're going to say that I'm shitting myself over this matter, but I'm totally not. You're a fucking bastard, Chuck." 

"I don't give a shit," said Alan Wortwick. "It's totally not Iron Man 2."

This is the word of the Lord.

Student Discovers New “Twatasaurus Rex”

By Jared O’Grapejus

Sunday, sophomore Biology Major and Delta Theta Delta member Ronald Mixtins announced a new breed of “whale-like dinosaur” that has been found to still be in existence in the humble state of California. Mixtins describes the new breed as a “five and a half foot tall, two-hundred pound, scaly, cold-blooded, whale-like monster” that attacks with a “strange pounce like advance” and “thrives on alcoholic beverages and human semen.” He has deemed the strange creature the “Twatasaurus Rex,” which Mixtins says he named after his “bitch of an ex-girlfriend.”

“It’s terrifying,” said Mixtins. “It comes at you from nowhere, pounces and then uses its stubby tentacle like appendages to try and massage your genitalia. It is violating and extremely dangerous. Chapman students must be cautious.”

Sightings fitting to Mixtins description of the Twatasaurus Rex have been pouring in from all over campus. The Daily Chapman warns students, most especially men, to stay away from these creatures. They have frequently been found wearing sweatshirts with strange non-descript two or three letter words on them, such as “kow”, “rob”, and “ao”. Students are encouraged to file any sightings of the Twatasaurus Rex with the Chapman University Department of Public Safety.

Daily Chapman Staff “Too Influenced” By That There “Nigger Music”?

By Resident Music Critic Adam Wallaby

“Yeah! We raided that shit!” said Michael Bixby of the Chapman University division of the Klu Klux Klan. “We had feelin’ that them there Daily Chapman staff were bein’ influenced by that there nigger music! End we were right!”

Photographs taken by Bixby and his imaginary colleagues revealed a considerable amount of old LP records like John Coltrane’s “My Favorite Things” and Miles Davis’s “Kind of Blue” living in residence at the library of the Offices of the Daily Chapman.

“They’re niggers!” said Bixby. “Damn dirty niggers!”

The records were part of an extensive collection of John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Charles Mingus, Art Blakey, Duke Ellington, Wynton Marsalis and other historicist jazz and bebop records that have been acquired by senior staff members Alan Wortwick, William Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea.

“Yer know what makes me sick!” said Bixby. “I found them there cigarettes and malt beverages in that shit! And grape drink! They had grape drink!”

“I like to have a cigarette and listen to bop when I write,” said Alan Wortwick. “It makes me feel classy, like I’m fighting the good fight. I feel the power behind Dizzy Gillespie’s anti-racism message and it makes me want to stand up against civil injustice.”

“Spoken like a true nigger!” said Bixby.

Michael Bixby was arrested mid-interview for breaking and entering. No further comment could be made.

Student Speaks Out Against Unfair Credits

By Sir. Jonathon Matero III

Monday, the Kappa Beta Theta sisters joined alongside their beloved Olivia Nonowitz as she protested what she believed to be an “unfair credit allotment” for her interterm class. “I work just as hard in my PA-104 class as the other students taking Philosophy 101 or those crazy English classes,” said Nonowitz. “I deserve the same three credit allotment that they do.”

Further research concluded that Nonowitz was indeed enrolled in PA-104, a course that is simply titled, “Bowling.” “Bowling is truly an art,” said Professor Janet Lloyd of PA-104. “These students deserve just as much credit as a photography class or an experimental drawing class. Seriously, who can paint pictures down lanes with balls? Only a true bowler can do that.”

In other news, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick of The Daily Chapman has announced that he will be teaching a testicular painting course during Interterm 2011. “I foresee a final project in which each lane of a bowling alley is entirely painted by balls,” said Wortwick. “I thought of it in a dream.”

Survey Says, “That Twat You Hooked Up With Last Semester Is A Cum Guzzling Thunder Cunt”

by Executive Chief of Operations and Sex Appeal William P. Blackwell

Although most of your friends were shocked at how quickly you got over that stupid twat that you hooked up with last semester, a recent survey may explain why.

A study performed by the Presidential United Student Survey Yahwists (PUSSY) discovered that nearly 84% of your friend base and over 96% of your casual acquaintances found that twat that you hooked up with last semester to be an overall “cum guzzling thunder cunt”. Furthermore, the question, “Why the fuck would you put your dick near that shit?” ranked number one out of the top five questions that bystanders would like to ask you before you die.

“It’s simply astounding,” said your friend Rick. “In retrospect, I don’t understand why we didn’t see it coming in the first place. I mean, I guess she was kind of nice at first, but that still only makes her a peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce.”

Although the PUSSY survey revealed that only 8% of your friend base found that stupid twat to be a “peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce,” nearly 98% suggest you never put your dick (or any other portion of your body) near that twatty whore ever again. The other 2% happened to be the slut’s friends who said, “I don’t know why you’re so upset about this.”

You may be pleased to know that The Daily Chapman has already taken the opportunity to dick slap that 2% across the face. She was a fucking cum guzzling thunder cunt man. For reals. You ain’t missing shit.

Daily Chapman New Years Resolution Creates Chapman’s First Ever AA Group

By Resident Foot Massage Expert Richard Dyck

After a meeting of Daily Chapman Senior Staff Members in Boulder, CO Thursday morning, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick announced that The Daily Chapman would be sponsoring Chapman University’s first ever Alcoholics Anonymous group. “For the New Year, we at The Daily Chapman have decided to reinvest ourselves spiritually,” said Wortwick. “Part of our religious tradition and part of our responsibility as members of this Christian nation is to love each and every person, in spite of their imperfections. It is important for us to embrace and encourage imperfections because it is those imperfections that make people truly beautiful.”

“The group will meet every Thursday night at the offices of The Daily Chapman,” explained Daily Chapman Press Security William P. Blackwell. “And it will encourage poor drinking behavior such as binge drinking, emptying kegs straight into one’s mouth, and drinking enough red wine to get that awful red wine headache. Attendees are encouraged to share stories, such as getting shit-faced on a Monday for no reason, drinking in class, and punching some asshole in the face because he was too drunk to know the difference, as a means to cope with their imperfection. We believe that all of these events will help attendees to cope with their alcoholism and realize that they are not alone.”

The new support group has already come under heavy criticism from people who don’t know how to have fun. “Encouraging alcoholics to continue their alcoholic behaviors is simply irresponsible,” said Orange Resident Maria Ameña Lopez. “Alcohol is an addiction and it should be treated like an addiction.”

“Yeah, alcohol is addicting,” said Wortwick. “But you know what’s really addicting? Heroin. We don’t condone that shit.”

From all of his here at The Daily Chapman, thank you for a beautiful 2009. As we ring in 2010, remember to embrace the imperfections in those you love, because let’s face it, if Alan Wortwick wasn’t such an alcoholic, we wouldn’t love him as much. All the best to you and yours. We raise our glass to you.

---
If part of your New Years Resolution includes getting laid more often, consider what being apart of The Daily Chapman can do for your sex life. Want to get laid? Want to write for the Daily Chapman? Contact the Benevolent Dictator today at admin@dailychapman.com and join our team! It’s great for your sex life and your liver!

Daily Chapman Celebrates White Christmas

By Alan Wortwick

Twats the night before Christmas: all through the Daily Chapman house
Not a mattress wasn’t squeaking, not even for Uncle Klaus
The pants were thrown above the chimney with kinky-ness
In hopes that no one would get prego this slutty Christmas

The Asians were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of prostitutes sucking their small heads.
And mamma wore nothing, not even a cap
Because she knew tonight there would be no winter’s nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I flew with my cock,
Tore open the shutters and looked up at the clock.

The black men were pissed off out on our lawn
They were not invited to our Christmas fun
We misunderstood when they said to dream
Of a White Christmas as our party theme

So this Christmas we weren’t racist
I am just a simple bassist
Who enjoys singing White Christmas
Full overflowing beer glasses.

From all of us here at The Daily Chapman
We wish you a Merry Christmas, especially Batman.
We look forward to blowing your minds in 2010
It’ll be all sorts of fun for you and your kin.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Sexually,
Rev. Alan Wortwick, PhD and Friends
The Daily Chapman

A Holiday Letter from Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick

by Alan Wortwick, Editor-In-Chef

Dearest Friends and Committed Fans of The Daily Chapman,

As many of you are well-aware, Chapman University has seen a rather interesting semester. With a large number of The Daily Chapman senior staff overseas, Chapman's student pregnancy rates have decreased, Hooves liquor (located at the corner of Walnut and Glassell) has noticed a severe decrease in quarterly sales, the number of public urination incidents has declined and the quantity of bull feces that the Chapman University administration has implemented increased almost sixfold. As creator and Editor-In-Chef of this fine news source, I commend the great work of Resident Editor-In-Chef (Fall '09) Larry Prendergast. He has succeeded in maintaining a high journalistic ethic and has continued to report the news in a way that only The Daily Chapman can with a very limited number of staff people in these very difficult times. My hat is off to him and I very much respect the work that he and all of our staff has done in promoting a world of true, accurate, and effective journalism.

However, with our one year anniversary approaching and the arrival of this special holiday season, we here at The Daily Chapman have decided to take some time to give thanks and focus on that which is most important to the world: Vagina. This holiday season, join The Daily Chapman in giving thanks for a vagina (or twelve) that has made a difference in your life. Take time to stroke, lick, penetrate and enjoy that vagina, because without our vaginas, the vaginas of America, where would we be? What kind of people would be?

I invite each and everyone of you to join The Daily Chapman as we take time to celebrate each other's vaginas. Go and be merry this holiday season, because I know I will. We will return for Interterm feeling, shall I say, refreshed and healed, sexually.

We invite members of the community to think this holiday season about what is most important in life. Do you believe in journalistic ethic? Do you believe in the power of truth and perseverance? Do you believe in The Daily Chapman? Then we encourage you to contact us. The Daily Chapman is always looking for new writers and new members of our family. The Spring 2010 semester will bring new fervor to The Daily Chapman and my personal sex-life, for which I can only thank The Daily Chapman and alcohol. Your sexual freedom is just around the corner. Contact us today.

Our offices are located at:
535 N. Grand St. #453
Orange, CA 92866
720-260-4009
admin@dailychapman.com

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and that one Jew Holiday, too. Enjoy each other's vaginas and love every moment of your freedom. We look forward to making awkward sexual advances towards you and your kin as well as serving you in bringing only the finest, most important news.

With all the love in my heart, I thank you for your continued support and I look forward to returning to serve you in the cumming year.

Moustache,

Alan Wortwick
Editor-In-Chef
The Daily Chapman
720-260-4009 ext. 001
awortwick@dailychapman.com

Daily Chapman Honors Vietnam Group

By Edward Noble

The Daily Chapman this week honored the Swift Boat Veterans for Johnathan Swift by keeping their timely and insightful post at the top of the front page for five whole days. The piece -- a groundbreaking study on rain and its effects on Chapman University students -- was hailed as a "masterpiece of literature" by a professor who actually was talking about Charles Dickens' Great Expectations at the time but somebody was reading The Daily Chapman on a laptop nearby so that sort of counts, right?

"We really felt that the piece was important to the Chapman community," said Daily Chapman editor Larry Prendergast. "The piece was in no way, shape, or form left on the front page because of the busy-ness/drunkenness/intrinsic laziness of the staff members upon which the Daily Chapman relies for content."

Writer John Pierce agreed; "Yeah, definitely just thought it was a good article. What? Laziness? Who told you that, you fucking bastard?"

I had to cut the interview short when Pierce tried to stab me with a toothpick. However, it appears clear that the Daily Chapman staff really just wanted to honor the Swiftboat Veterans for Johnathan Swift.

[Got extra time during finals week? Want to be published for people to see your work? Send an article to admin@dailychapman.com and you might get posted on the front page!]

Increasing Amount of Student Vietnam Flashbacks

By The Swift Boat Veterans for Jonathan Swift

Sophomore Charlie Briggand awoke Monday morning, ready for the last week before finals. He opened his door to find a torrential downpour. Blanching, he went back inside to grab his coat.

Briggand told us this from the waiting room of the Student Psychological Services department. Lighting a cigarette, he stared at us with deadened eyes. "Reminds me of my time in 'Nam," he whispered.

He's not the only one. Reports are coming in from all over campus today of students dropping to the ground when lightning flashes, smearing mud all over their faces in a panicked attempt to blend in. One student was spotted with a shovel on memorial lawn. When a crowd walked near, he reportedly told them to "get their own damn foxhole."

One student trudged through the rain with great resolve, holding a tarpaulin over his head. "If it ain't the bugs it's the god damned rain," he muttered. "I'm gonna need to get me some new socks. Fucking 'Nam."

Some experts are afraid that the continued rain will fool these young, impressionable minds into believing that the draft is occurring again. They say to watch out for a sudden rise in men describing themselves as homosexuals. Also, men with missing big toes may become more prominent.

If your friend has a flashback, please remember as he holds a knife to your throat and calls you a "God Forsaken Viet-Fucking-Cong" that it's not his fault. It's all the fault of that damn Agent Orange.

Student Wants Socks

By Jack N. Otgnilleks

Many students at Chapman this year are finding it increasingly hard to think of Christmas gifts that they want. This is not the case for senior Tyler Wilson.

"I want socks."

While socks is an insult as a child, Wilson would be glad for just one pair. "I can't even take my shoes off in any respectable environment anymore, due to the giant holes in my socks. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I don't even wear socks with my shoes."

When Chapman raised its tuition by two grand in conjunction with the drastic tumble in the economy this past year, many families tightened their belts in various ways. For Wilson, "socks" was one of the first items taken off the budget. Other items include "new belt" and "toilet paper."

Wilson isn't letting it get him down, however. "Yeah, it's been a really hard year. I won't let that stop me from my dream of graduating with a Creative Writing/Philosophy double major, however!" he said, smiling.

To donate and help support Tyler Wilson's quest for socks, click here

Class Party "Underwhelming"

By Party Critic Chad P. AmBROsius

If there's one thing I know, it's that I've been to a lot of parties in my time. Big parties, little parties, Hollywood parties, baby showers, bachelor parties, illegal parties, parties with police, birthday parties, underwater parties, parties in outer space, zombie parties -- you name it, and I've been there.

It's with that outstanding resume of party experience that I tell you Professor John Sanker's Latin 102 class party yesterday was a pile of suck.

Over the years, I've come up with a simple three-point checklist to make sure that every party is a success. These three things are:
1) Alcohol
2) Hot girls
3) Alcohol

Now, either Professor Sanker completely missed my checklist or he chose not to follow it. In either case, what could have been an awesome party definitely missed the mark from square one.

You'll notice that alcohol is higher on the list than hot girls. This is because with the correct (read: liberal) application of alcohol to the stomach/brain, any girl can appear hot. Hell, any guy can appear hot.

Basically, fuck you John Sanker for not having alcohol at your Latin 102 party. Your party was like watching Stephen Hawking try to walk down stai-- on second thought, that would be pretty funny to watch.

And your party was most definitely not. It sucked.

Rating: Two empty kegs and a tranny hooker.

"Consuming Kids" Not Cannibal Documentary

by The Bull Dyke

The Folino Theater was crowded with angry Chapman students and members of the Orange community tonight after a screening of Consuming Kids turned out to be about marketing to youth instead of the growing "child cannibalism" movement.

Consuming Kids, a documentary produced by the Media Education Foundation, detailed the ways that children's broadcasting conditions young children to become mindless capitalists. Its message was especially tailored to the yuppie parents in attendance, who heard about the event on Twitter, and don't own a TV in their home anyway because it makes them feel superior.

But not everyone in the audience was satisfied with the subject matter.

"For years I've been living in seclusion, feasting on any spare children I can come across," lamented Gary Nelson, 44, who resides in the same sketch apartment complex you do. "I found the movie screening on one of the Orange County family chat rooms I troll, you know, for resources. And for once in my life, I thought, my God! I'm not alone. I can finally live as myself." He shook his head. "Then I come here and sit through this shit...though the Bratz doll commercials they showed made it a little more palatable."

"What do I care whether kids are watching more TV than they used to?" grumbled Liam Kearney, 31. "That just means they're spending more time inside and not outdoors at public parks where I can abduct them and harvest their undeveloped organs."

In fact, the screening was a veritable lightning rod for drifting child cannibals in Orange County looking for a safe harbor. Though the film was not what they had hoped, they admirably made the most of an unfortunate situation and banded together to form the citizen's brigade of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Lunch Association). This reporter witnessed no fewer than 17 attendees fill out a phone tree and a calendar noting who would be bringing fava beans and chianti wine to each bi-monthly meeting.

By coincidence, one of the children of the formerly-mentioned yuppie parents slipped out of the Folino after the screening. After a momentary panic, his mother, Hailey Lu, 26, concluded that there was nothing abnormal about his absence. "That film must have been awfully disturbing to Dresden's young psyche," she mused. "I'm sure he must've just ridden his bike home to do some yoga."

Registrar Punks “Lucky Fucker”

By Study Abroad Correspondent Alan Wortwick

After a long, joyous Thanksgiving break, Chapman University registrar Amanda Youssef returned to her office in order to, “deal with those ungrateful fucking kids.” When she did, she was greeted by an e-mail from senior Collin Whitehouse who has been enjoying his semester abroad in New Zealand.

Whitehouse spent considerable time and effort in October of 2008 in order to square away his Fall 2009 study abroad paperwork. His course load was checked, triple checked and approved several times, but Youssef didn’t care. Citing only the fact that Whitehouse was a “lucky fucker” and that if she “could’ve spent four months in New Zealand [she] wouldn’t fucking complain,” she authoritatively changed the equivalent courses for all of his abroad courses ensuring that he would have to spend a ninth semester at Chapman University. Youssef sat back quietly in her chair and smiled to herself. “Lucky fucker deserves it.”

This is the third report of registrar punking “lucky, sucking, fucking, goddamn, piss-stained abroad assholes” that has been revealed to The Daily Chapman. When asked if there would be any sort of reconciliation between the registrar and these abroad students, Dean of Students Jerry Price simply said, “They seceded from Chapman University. It is my responsible to keep this union together and resist separatists like The Dalai Lama. No one shall challenge the People’s Republic of Chapman. No one.”

Although it is expected that bureaucratic bullshit will keep these students from ever receiving credit for their study abroad experiences, registrar Craig Stephens has been complaining about an above average reception of undesired urine and feces samples in recent mail addressed to the registrar’s office. Unfortunately, he was not impressed by one that had a return address as “Alan Wortwick, bitch! Sevilla, ES” and several Euros worth of Spanish postage. Cunt. Do you know how hard it is to ship piss?

"Welcome Back," says Chapman University

By Recently on Vacation

Chapman University welcomed back its students yesterday with a number of familiar things. For instance, the same shitty food that you had forgotten as soon as you ate your first home-cooked meal again resurged with a vengeance, as you demolished your toilet later that night.

For some of you, it was a return to the days of not getting laid after hooking up with that one girl you knew in high school all last week. For your roommates, on the other hand, it was a return to fucking a string of nameless, meaningless one night stands as you weep pitifully in the corner and dream of having your own room.

Others of you didn't go home at all, and for you it was a return to having a social life after living in Orange the Ghost Town for the past week.

Whatever your circumstances, we welcome you back.

Love,
-The Daily Chapman Staff.

The Thanksgiving Ballad

By The Wampanoag Indian Remembrance Committee

Going home, a couple days
Seeing Mom and Auntie May
Where Dad is basting that turkey breast
The one that always tastes the best

Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving

Here's your old high school friends
Funny how that friendship ends
After a year or two away
Now you don't know what to say

Go with them to visit your high school
Wear your Chapman shirt -- you're so cool
Everyone wants to sleep with you
Just kidding.

Former teachers don't know why you're here
Instead of at home drinking beer
But there you stand so bright and youthful
To tell them why an English degree is really useful

They'll stare at you in awe and wonder
At how anyone could make such a blunder
In the real world you'll be torn asunder
But in college, you'll be...well, honestly, probably high.

Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving

Later that week, Thanksgiving dinner
Hugged and kissed by Grandma Skinner
Grandpa wishes she was thinner
Like she was when they were sinners

"I love my family, but holy shit,"
You'll say to yourself as they throw a fit
Over where everyone should sit
And whether the candles should be lit
And is Uncle Don a pedophile
And if Aunt Helda used to be really wild
And if Grandpa Joe has many days left
Who's in the will, and who will be bereft
And whether the turkey is too dry
Or perhaps it's just shitty pumpkin pie
Suddenly you heave a giant sigh.

Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving.

So light the candles, pray or not
"Eat those radishes I bought!"
One thing's for sure, just wait and see
When you're back at Chapman, you'll be relieved.

[[Editor's note: We'll be back the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Everyone enjoy your break!]]