By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot
In recent days, it has become increasingly clear that the Chapman University campus has been hit hard by pretentiouse doochebageris, or the Pretentious Virus. The virus spreads rampantly on campus compared to in the wild, due to the large numbers of "artsy" and "intelligent" people living in a small area.
"We've been seeing a lot of people coming in displaying symptoms of this horrible virus," said Dr. Jorgensen of the Chapman Avenue Medical Center. "I'd say that this year's epidemic is worse than any I've seen in the past."
The Pretentious Virus is not normally deadly. Rather, it gives people a false sense of self-worth, intelligence, and superiority that is wholly undeserved and unreasonable for any college student.
Sadly, just being in the same general area as one of the afflicted oftentimes transmits the virus. Students and faculty alike are warned to be on the lookout for the following symptoms:
1) Producing facts from dubious sources.
2) Having no opinion of one's own; instead, just using someone else's argument.
3) Letting everyone know that one tunes in to CNN/Fox/CSPAN/NPR (really any channel/station that makes you sound smarter).
4) Quoting books that nobody would possibly read except to feel superior (i.e. War and Peace).
5) Wearing shirts with Africa on them.
6) Majoring in English/Philosophy/Art.
7) Generally being an all-American douche nozzle.
If any of these symptoms is spotted in a friend, please tie them up, gag them, and lock them in a closet immediately before calling the hospital.
"If this epidemic continues," said President Obama, "we might have to quarantine the whole entire Chapman University campus. It would be a national tragedy to have to seal off the campus that gave us the largest stainless steel ball in the world."
There is only one known cure for pretentiouse doochebageris – a swift punch in the face. Feel free to oblige.
1 complaints:
Oh, I love this one. I read it again and again.
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