By Resident Hair Dresser Gabe HumbleMonday, Chapman University Facilities Management announced that the Allred Aquatic Center would be closed due to “flooding.” The cause, some say, is sophomore Michael Dibbleburg.
“I was walking to class by way of the Global Citizens Plaza when I saw this thing on to the diving board,” said witness Amanda Redder. “It was mostly spherical in nature… and then in jumped into the water.” The orb was later identified to be Dibbleburg.
“I just wanted to go swimming,” sniffled Dibbleburg. “Why is everyone so mad at me?”
The University Admissions Department immediately responded saying, “students like Dibbleburg are of great concern to our campus administration. To prevent such fiscal damage to our facilities management department, the 2009-2010 admission requirements will include a new maximum weight requirement. Any student exceeding the weight requirement will be automatically rejected. It’s for the safety of our students, staff and egos.”
Student protests are expected to begin within the coming days and then be forgotten shortly after along with every other instance of Panther Pride in Chapman University history.
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