By Grand Master Koses, Patron Saint of Angus Beef“They came out of nowhere,” said junior Wilhelm McGeebees. “They pinned me down in broad daylight and then took a sledgehammer to my legs, shouting ‘This is for the good of the University!’ Public Safety just stood there and watched!”
McGeebees was the first in a string of pro-university assaults. “They travel in groups of at least a dozen, dressed in black hoods,” trembled witness Millhouse Weston. “Then they surround a student and attack them. They attacked my friend Michael in Attallah Plaza! They have no deceny!”
The reason? “A recent student survey said that parking was, and I quote, ‘a real ass pain’,” said one of the hooded figures. “Handicapping students is truly the best way to use pre-existing parking spaces without using further student tuition dollars to create more. We are simply providing for student needs. Now, lie down. This is for the good of the University.”
“We give you everything,” said Director of Accounting Bill Martin. “If you want better parking, we’ll give you better parking, you selfish brats!”
President Doti has refused to comment on the issue.
The Daily Chapman is currently accepting cards and donations to help William P. Blackwell, Director of Campus Relations and Investigative Reporter for The Daily Chapman, who was injured during the creation of this article. Our thoughts and prayers are with him as we hope for a speedy recovery.
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