Chapman Has Largest Shaft-to-Ball Ratio Of Any University

by a Stubborn Walnut 

Tuesday, the Princeton Review released a new study of all universities worldwide naming Chapman University the university with the single largest "Shaft-to-Ball" ratio of any university worldwide. "This is a real honor," said Chapman University President James L. Doti. "I'm very proud of our university and all of our extremely tall, long, hard shafts." 

Sources tell The Daily Chapman that this has to do with the new Global Citizens Plaza. "There's a lot of really tall, shiny rods out there," said sophomore Michael Mengel. "There's no way that any other university could ever have that many shafts." 

"Sure, we won the shafts award," said Director of Development Adam McWebber. "But what I don't understand is why we didn't win the "largest balls of steel" award. Its unfair at best."

"For the Princeton Review, it's all about quantity," said Awards Coordinator for The Princeton Review Adam Cane-Abel. "Although Chapman has one fine ball of steel, so does Lance Armstrong. We're going to have to award the Harlem Globetrotters with the largest balls of steel. There's just so many steel balls..."

Although Chapman won the largest shaft-to-ball ratio, it seems that the People's Republic of China took the award for most numerous shafts. "There's no question that China is a way bigger sausage-fest than Chapman," said critic Anna Navels. "Oh! You were talking about metal shafts. I can't comment on that."

More on this as it develops.