Three Kittens Sacrificed to Start Projector

by First Premier Konrad von Schmoot

In a turn of events that some are calling "horrifying," three kittens were slaughtered in order to start up the projector in Beckman 104 last Tuesday. At approximately 2:04 in the afternoon, Professor Salma announced that his class would be watching a movie for the first time all semester in order to "reinforce what they were learning." After arguing, pleading with, and kicking the computer's CD tray for five minutes trying to coerce it into accepting the disc, the tray slid into the computer with a painful squealing noise. Next, the professor hit the power button for the projector. What happened next was truly shocking!

"The projector didn't turn on," said Adam Wilcox, a junior in Salma's class.

Salma called Media Services, the group responsible for the projector. Immediately, Media Services consulted the LAUNAM ROT CE JORP, an arcane text from the 14th century written entirely in blood. "They called us back," says Salma, "and told us that they had found the solution."

At 2:13 P.M., passersby were horrified to see three men in black hoods standing atop the altar of Doti's Giant Steel Ball holding kittens high above their heads. "They were, like, yelling in, like, some weird language and like, waving, like, knives at kittens. OH MY GOD KITTENS!" said junior Kappa Beta Chi member Sarah Ferguson. It was later determined that the men in hoods were yelling in English.

At 2:15 P.M., the men suddenly stopped chanting and used the knives to slit the throats of the kittens. As the blood dripped onto Doti's Ball, the sky turned momentarily purple and immediately, Salma's projector turned on.

Though Media Services wouldn't comment on the article, rumors are that they had to appease the spirit of Baal, Lord of the Underworld before he would allow the projector to function. The blood of kittens is the only thing that could set his spirit to rest until the next time the projector is desperately needed.

Asked about the event, Salma showed little remorse. "You know, kittens are adorable," he said, "but this movie was really important for my class because I was too lazy to create a good lesson plan last night."

So far, no word on whether a similar rite will be needed in order to remove the "PLEASE CLEAN AIR FILTER" notice from the middle of the screen.