By Jose G. Oliveros, The Mexican Wrestler/Journalist/Part-Time Pastry Chef
Daily Chapman investigators have recently uncovered a campus-wide cult that calls itself the "RA's," and has infiltrated the school to exercise its power over students. Although it is unknown how such an institution managed to place itself seamlessly within Chapman, or how they somehow got Chapman administration to sanction their actions, it is certain that they have every intention of recruiting more students to their cause.
"We're accepting applications to become an RA," said one cult insider as he put flyers up on dormitory bulletin boards. "If you want, go for it! Don't forget to apply!"
The cult's sway over the student population is enormous, from their seemingly random security checks and health inspections, to their insistence that there be fire drills. How they have managed to go unchallenged by the general student populace is uncertain, but one student who wished to remain anonymous for his or her own safety put forth some theories.
"They've got OA's that help them out in dormitory offices, but almost nobody knows who they are. If you find out, you usually find out by accident. It could be anybody, really. And then they hold events with free food. I'm thinking they put stuff in it to sedate students. That way, they can run fire drills and health and safety inspections with little resistance. It's ingenious, really. And then they say that they just want to be your friend. That's how they get your trust."
The RA's have not expressed any worry that their actions will be challenged. "We're holding a dorm-wide barbecue next Friday!" said one RA to Daily Chapman reporters. "There'll be food and games and music. Check it out, it'll be fun!"
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