Earthquake Makes Chapman's Ball Wet

by Lady Artsy Sex Kitten Catalina L. Flukston

“It was a disaster,” said construction supervisor and witness Noah Vale. “The whole thing just came tumbling down and rolled right into the pool. There was nothing we could do.”

Wednesday at about 6:00 p.m. an earthquake shook Chapman University. Although small, the seismic activity was enough to cause the eight-foot, stainless steel orb, which previously adorned the highly anticipated Global Citizen’s Plaza, to become dislodged at which point it rolled violently into the Allred Aquatics Center Pool.

"It just rolled around the fountain for a few moments like a basketball on a hoop ring," said Vale's coworker and fellow witness Likstu Badelot. "Finally it fell off the platform, destroyed those iron gates and plopped into Chapman’s new Allred Aquatics Center."

“Thank God it didn’t hit my car,” said concerned student Anita Brayke.

The ball, which weighs precisely six fucktons, smashed into the bottom of the pool, causing millions in damage and flooding.

“Poor planning is to blame," says Vale. "What idiot didn’t think to mount the ball?”

“The administration was just so rushed to get this thing ready for the public before Powell got here that we didn’t let the architects take the time to apply safety precautions,” states architectural director Klaus Shave.

In a desperate attempt to place the ball back on the fountain and repair all of the damages, the university called its award-winning Physics team from George Mason University to the scene. Using a large crane with a magnet powerful enough to lift an airplane, the team lifted the ball out of the pool. “It was our only idea. If we damaged the ball, we probably wouldn’t ever see our families again,” says physicist who wishes to remain anonymous. However, as soon as the ball was placed back onto the fountain, a new problem arose: how the hell to get the ball off of the magnet.

More as this story unfolds.