by the Resident Beard Specialist
In a controversial decision last Wednesday, Chapman's Restaurant Services Team, "in the interests of historical accuracy," determined to segregate students racially in the "retro"-style dining hall in Argyros Forum.
"It's the 'Retro Café,' is it not?" asked General Manager Fred Parsonicks rhetorically. "The goal of a retro Fifties-style establishment is to be as much like the Fifties as possible. There was racial segregation in the Fifties. Seems like a no-brainer to me."
The decision was met with strong protest from some quarters, including Chapman's Black Student Union, which, according to a recent press release, "condemns in the strongest possible terms the reintroduction of a barbaric and archaic practice. We thought we had put this dark chapter of our history behind us."
Asked for comment, Parsonicks responded, "We have a Black Student Union?"
The measure is not without support among the student population. "Segregation is part of this country's heritage," said Thomas J. Sussex III, president of Chapman Republicans. "If you don't like it, you're a Communist."
"The Fifties' was stupid," opined junior Peace Studies major Marjorie Milliken. "Not only did we have petty apartheid, but also enforced female domesticity, McCarthyism, and the constant threat of nuclear annihilation."
"Those other things sound like good ideas too," replied Sussex.
So far, the measure has been exceedingly easy to enforce, due to the fact that Chapman has so few minority students they can all be seated at one table.
6 complaints:
Dear Sirs,
I have been a proud fan of your little shenanigan blog for some time but this time you have gone too far. Honestly, I do not know how any of your so called 'editors' could think themselves members of the human race. To endorse a student who refers to the fifties as "stupid" is to be anti-american, anti-history, and quite simply ignorant. As for better avenues of reporting in future stories you should pursue this minority students being able to sit at one table. That is a good story, I like that.
Indignantly,
Peter Livid
Don't insult republicans you douche.
Dear Sirs,
Firstly, we must assure you that these articles undergo an approval process performed by nine of our eighteen staff members. All staff members must undergo testing for humanoid components and be registered as legal residents of the greater solar system. Mr. Livid, we can assure you that, in spite of your claims, all of our so-called editors are, in fact, humanoid, except for one who is a figment, which is perfectly okay with us.
Secondly, Mr. Livid, I would like to call your attention to paragraph 3, clause A of our disclaimers: "All information, including characters, events and quotations, expressed in the aforementioned articles is fictitious unless otherwise noted. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental." We are not endorsing the fictitious opinions of the fictitious Mr. Milliken, but rather presenting both fictitious sides of a the fictitious argument. It is the official stance of The Daily Chapman that the fifties were, indeed, awesome and should be respected for such excellence. It is the prognosis of this body that you are indeed bored and looking for something to complain about.
Thirdly, Eric, I would like to call your attention to paragraph 1 of our disclaimers: "The opinions, commentaries and views expressed in the aforementioned articles are those of their respective authors and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain." The negative views expressed towards Republicans in this article should be attributed to the creative mind of the Resident Beard Specialist and not The Daily Chapman. The Resident Beard Specialist's work has not been altered from it's original form out of respect for his work. To complain further about this subject, e-mail admin@dailychapman.com and we will see to it that your complaint is seen by the Resident Beard Specialist.
Thank you. For any further questions or problems, e-mail admin@dailychapman.com.
Signed,
The Management
well let's not forget, the Democrats were the ones who supported slavery in the first place...
Dear Bob,
The Daily Chapman proudly supports people who have political affiliations and we encourage everyone to express themselves to the best of their ability. However, The Daily Chapman, as an entity, does not endorse any political system specifically. We are proud Americans and that's about as far as it goes. If you wish to make an effective statement, we encourage you to direct your creative and political energy in a more positive direction at a more acceptable time and place, because, to be frank, we don't care.
Thanks for your complaint! If you'd like to continue to complain, please e-mail admin@dailychapman.com and we will see to it that the Resident Beard Specialist is aware of your concerns.
Have a wonderful day.
Signed,
The Management
So upon reading the above comments, it has occurred to me that Bob and Eric, you're right, and you know what? I think you guys should make your own website. I have an idea for it. "Douchebag whiners who complain about shit that no one cares about on a forum since it's a satirical website." Whadda ya think? Awesome huh? :D
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