by the Resident Wonderwoman
Chapman University Junior Tommy Parkhurst awoke to a shock Sunday morning when he logged on to his Facebook account to find himself tagged in three photographs, obviously hooking up with a unnamed Freshman the night previously. “Shit, dude”, Parkhurst is quoted as saying. “I swear she looked hotter last night”.
Men and women of the Chapman community are now putting the pressure on Parkhurst. “I can’t believe Tommy would hook up with just anyone”, says close friend Sandy Bridges. “It’s just not in his personality to mack on a girl who falls within the 2% of Chapman students who don’t look like models”.
Parkhurst is so ashamed by the incident that he has resorted to using all of his In-N-Out tips to hire P.R. Representative K. B. Freedman, a damage control specialist to the stars. Freedman argues, in Parkhurst’s defense, the unnamed freshman female committed the following articles to feign hotness:
Article A: The oversized designer sunglasses. Sported by the vast majority of Chapman’s female population, the typical pair of shades morphs the wearer’s appearance into that of a flying insect. Covering approximately 2/3 of the wearer’s face, Freedman claims his client Parkhurst was at an unfair disadvantage when meeting the young woman for the first time outside of Beckman the previous sunny Friday.
Article B: Inebriation. Parkhurst claims the young woman brought him “like, 18 things of jungle juice” and encouraged him to continue to drink to the point of intoxication, rendering him uninhibited and susceptible to unwitting mistakes.
Article C: It was freaking dark in there. The room in which the actions took place, the record notes, had the lights turned down, making it “difficult to recognize even your own roommates and fraternity brothers”.
P.R. Rep Freedman points out Parkhurst’s previously untarnished track record of “8’s or higher” as well as his recent vow to check with his wingman before hooking up with any unknown girl in weekends ahead. “Untag those pics, dude” is Parkhurst’s final comment on the matter.
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