Old Fountains on Strike

By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot

In a last ditch attempt to halt Saturday's Commencement ceremony for the new Global Citizen's Plaza and Ball Fountain, Chapman's chapter of the UFR (Union for Fountain Rights) has decided to go on strike for an indefinite amount of time. The UFR is made up of the fountain by Beckman, the Berlin Wall fountain, and that one other fountain – you know, the one that's kind of by the library?

The self-appointed leader, Beckman fountain, had some words for The Daily Chapman:

"We just don't like how Chapman is toying with our job security. A campus can only throw away so much money on fountains before realizing that it should use that money for scholarships. In order to show our solidarity and demonstrate how much Chapman needs us, we will be shutting down until the new fountain is dismantled."

We at the Daily Chapman, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, decided to get the opposition view on this touchy subject. We asked President Doti for his input. He claims that the fountains are wrong – that, in fact, the sky is the limit when it comes to wasting money that really should be going towards scholarships.

"You know, I don't really see why the fountains are so upset about the Global Citizen's Plaza. We built it because other schools that are bigger and better than ours have lots of fountains. It's my personal philosophy that the true measure of a school is not its classroom facilities, nor is it the students that attend, but rather it is how many exorbitantly expensive ornaments you can decorate your campus with. I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing even more of these fountain things popping up around campus sometime soon."

Doti finished this last phrase with a large, exaggerated wink.

As controversial as this topic is, Chapman students once again demonstrated their tremendous apathy towards anything remotely thought-provoking or important.

"Wait, we have more than one fountain?" said Johnny Wilkins-Booth (Junior) when asked for comment. Upon having the Berlin Wall fountain pointed out to him, Wilkins-Booth stared in amazement for a few moments, turned towards this reporter, and asked "Who would graffiti a piece of the Berlin Wall, man? That's terrible," before walking away.

Representatives for the fountains will be selling bracelets for $1 in front of Argyros Forum all week to demonstrate campus solidarity with their cause.