By a Vent Rat
It is being called, “the largest Tuesday morning pregnancy scare of all time.” Sophomore Candice Malti blames it on One Big Sex Night. “I did everything they told us to,” Malti told a Daily Chapman Investigator. “It’s not my fault your condom broke!”
The Facebook event for the evening alluded to the event as “a night of sex, toys and fetishes” with “giveaways, safe sex practice education, and general sexual health information.” However, what started as an educational practice quickly turned into one of the loudest nights in Morlan Hall history. “They handed out over a dozen dildos,” said junior William G. O’Maly. “What did they expect was going to happen? We just did our homework!”
The event, sponsored by the Gay-Straight Alliance, resulted in the single largest orgy in Chapman University history, with over fourteen dozen people and eight sexually transmitted diseases in attendance. Most people told The Daily Chapman that they experienced things that far exceeded even their wildest dreams. “I had no idea that that could go there!” said senior baseball major Adam Wilson. “It was wonderful!”
Although the official number of pregnancies is unknown, all local Walmart, Target, 7-Eleven, CVS Pharmacy, and Walgreens stores have reported that they are out of pregnancy tests and have located nearly twelve hundred positive tests in their waste bins. “Most people bought two or three,” said local 7-Eleven owner Majabi Aghamadiniolbaboa (spelling errors possible). “I would assume that there are only like seven hundred pregnant girls. Even still… wow.”
So far, only 43% of the known pregnancies have been attributed to Daily Chapman staff members. This beats any other campus organization by over 30%. “The Panther only impregnated like a dozen, or about 2%,” said Panther Printing Editor Michelle Angel. “I’m a little ashamed really.”
If you have any ideas for names of any of Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick’s illegitimate children, please e-mail awortwick@dailychapman.com.
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