SPECIAL FEATURE: The Global Citizen Dedication and Gala

by The Daily Chapman Staff

DISCLAIMER:
We will be publishing factual information that we believe should be made known to the Chapman Community, either for reasons of genuine importance or for the simple hilarity contained in the context of its truthful nature. If you find any mistakes in articles marked "Factual" please e-mail admin@dailychapman.com.

Globe Atop Global Citizens Plaza Spins The Wrong Direction [Factual]
By The Daily Chapman Staff

Of the numerous guests present at the Global Citizens Plaza Dedication Ceremony, none was more deserving of recognition than designer of the Julianne Argyros fountain Gary Jackson (pictured on the right). “This is the first turning sphere of this size in the whole world,” said Jackson to The Daily Chapman. “Even though it’s hollow, it still weighs a thousand pounds... And it turns the wrong direction. That wasn’t my idea.”

Having designed fountains for the Belagio, the Venetian and even the Lord of the Rings Studios in New Zealand, Jackson is an extremely important figure in the world of fountain design and sculpture, more specifically in the field of large spherical sculptures and water features. “Just from my conversation with him, I could tell that he really knew his stuff,” said Daily Chapman Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston. “Our investigation teams later discovered he was right.”

For countries in the northern hemisphere, the world is viewed from the North Pole, which means that the Earth spins counter-clockwise. For our Australian, African and South American brothers and sisters, the Earth spins clockwise, based on the South Pole. This means that if analyzed from space, the globe atop the Global Citizens Plaza will appear to spin the opposite direction of the Earth, due to it’s location.

Students seem to have a great amount of frustration with the globe’s directional spin. “I had no idea that the rotation of the earth had reversed itself!” said junior Anna Roth. “I'm so pleased that Chapman had the foresight and technology to accommodate for this unexpected and probably havoc-wreaking reaction that our planet had to our presence. I'm sure global warming had something to do with it.”

As usual, Chapman’s lack of attention to detail is expected to be regarded with the familiar phrase, “Oh, Chapman.”


Trustees Sacrifice Student To Appease The Fountain Gods
By Colonel Lyon Wilson Arnolds III

Sunday morning at approximately 3 a.m., a group of over a dozen hooded, chanting figures marched towards the global citizens plaza. “It was terrifying,” said freshman William Gyre. “And that’s not just the alcohol talking.”

Although Public Safety immediately quarantined the area, allowing no further student involvement, sources tell The Daily Chapman that it was the Chapman University Board of Trustees. “One was in a wheelchair,” said an anonymous source. “Students don’t do wheelchairs. Old people do. Trustees are old people.”

After the group had vacated, Daily Chapman investigators located the body of sophomore Angela Schwielder floating in the fountain unconscious. After rigorous CPR, Schwiedler was resuscitated. “They were trying to sacrifice me to the fountain gods!” screamed Schwielder. “Don’t let them take me again!”

“They failed in the sacrifice,” Poseidon told The Daily Chapman. “I feel an earthquake coming on that’s going to send that ball a-rollin’!”

More on this as it develops.


Student Ousted From Discussion Panel [Factual]
by Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston

At 4:30 p.m. Saturday afternoon, students, faculty, staff and other members of the Chapman community gathered in the Fish Interfaith Center to discuss papers of students Sasha Anderson, Katherine Blaisell, Jonathon Cohen and Kaela Dalton, all of which were written about Powell's life and career. The discussion panel consisted of the students summarizing their papers and then hearing Colin Powell's remarks on their work. "She got seven minutes," said General Colin Powell. "I got four." All of the students presented their work to Powell, except, of course, for the male.

"I wrote mine on torture," said Jonathon Cohen to The Daily Chapman. Entitled "Colin Powell and Torture in the War on Terror," Cohen's paper is very effective in linking Powell to knowledge of such torture. However, it lacks concrete evidence on his views.

Cohen later told The Daily Chapman that the decision to remove him from the discussion panel was not made because he was critical of Powell, but rather because his paper wasn't "perfect". "For this sort of thing, it need to be perfect. Mine wasn't," said Cohen with acceptance.

In spite of this, the afternoon was a great success. "The one thing I enjoyed the most was the student discussion panel," said Chapman President James L. Doti to The Daily Chapman. "The student papers were presented so well, written so well and each student spoke well. It was a moment of academic beauty and I am so proud of our Chapman Students."

Thanks Jim D. The Daily Chapman loves you.


Doti Remarks On The Daily Chapman
by Investigative Report Willie Nelson

"I read it religiously," said James L. Doti about The Daily Chapman. "Even if you do make fun of me all the time."

"Isn't it pretentious to write an article about ourselves in our own newspaper?" said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick.

More as this develops.


Blue Tie, Good Choice
by Fashion Critic Felipe Finklewitz

Although General Powell arrived at the event wearing that god-awful windbreaker (OMG - Ew!), he brightened up with a mighty-fine politics suit with a beautiful blue tie. Overall, it was a great choice and it was very well received.

"Blue is like totally my favorite color," said sophomore Angela Krinky. "He looked so adorable! I love cute old men!"

Powell was by far the best-dressed of the individuals there. The lady that showed up in that pink fur thing with the gold tights - just thinking about it makes me shiver. Wow! And did you see that Daily Chapman reporter? He was wearing a full suit... WITH JEANS! OMG! What an ass.

Plus! Did you see those gross gold and black ties they made the flag raisers wear? Disgusting!

Overall I rate the evening a "Nice - Nice is a Boring Word!" The dress lacked pizazz. I expect the next one will be far more Woo ha!


The Day In Quotes [Factual]
by the Daily Chapman Staff

The following are quotes that were recorded by The Daily Chapman staff during today's festivities, provided for your personal enjoyment.

"She got seven minutes. I got four."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"You can never be truly separate from the President."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"Don't shortchange the American people in their ability to be smart. They're very smart."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I am not a young people."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I draw the line at twitting. It's ridiculous."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I am not going on facebook. 'Somebody put you on facebook. And by the way, you have 16,000 friends.' There's got to be something illegal about that."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"There are hundreds of thousands of people waiting to correct you."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I have two iPhones and four computers."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"There are people in need. They're in need now. Let's do something about it."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"Currently in the United States, there are more televisions than citizens."
-Sasha Anderson

"Lots of points. Let me touch them."
-Gen. Colin Powell (The Daily Chapman "That's What She Said" of the Day Award Winner)

"I wish I knew what flag that was."
-Chapman President James L. Doti

"Your gift is a fitness center."
-Julianne Argyros

"If you girls were envious, eat this."
-Julianne Argyros

"When the world has a problem, they know there is one country that they can go to and that country is the United States of America."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"At this stage in my life, at this stage in my career, I'm honored to be anywhere."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I bought a corvette."
-Gen. Colin L. Powell

"General, please take the hot dog, I've already been paid."
-Gen. Colin Powell quoting an immigrant New York Hot Dog Cart Owner

"You don't have to go to Italy for a taste of Italy."
-James L. Doti about the Attallah Piazza

"Chapman University Campus is the #1 place to make-out, so instead of waiting for valet, why not have some fun tonight!"
-James L. Doti

"The Plaza takes on a whole new shape at night."
-James L. Doti

"I'm going to go see the plaza. I've never seen it at night."
-James L. Doti

"I told you I'd get you a pool. It's fantastic, isn't it? Cool off in there."
-James L. Doti to swimmers in the Julianne Argyros Fountain