By The Daily Chapman Staff
The Global Citizens Plaza cost precisely 2.25 million dollars, or 17.6 four-year tuitions. The following are biographies of the eighteen people who will not be able to attend Chapman University because said funds were not allocated directly to scholarships.
Mary Knoll, 18
Spruce Head, Maine
Mary was born in Irvine, CA and lived locally until she was fourteen. She would have loved to come to Chapman to return to the love of her childhood. After she was rejected for any sort of scholarship, she decided to live at home and begin a career in discount pharmaceuticals at a drug store.
Kevin Blume, 17
Kalispell, Wisconsin
Kevin fucking hates you. No seriously, don’t even talk to him. He thinks you’re the biggest asshole around, and he knows he’d be happier never seeing you again.
Adam Palpestein, 17
San Luis Obispo, California
Adam Palpenstein was awarded a full-ride scholarship to Chapman University, but was the victim in an unexplainable drowning in the Global Citizens Plaza Fountain. University officials have reallocated Palpestein's scholarship funds to improving other on campus fountains in his memory.
Zack Morris, 18
San Diego, California
Zack Morris was a promising, handsome student and highly intelligent. He often found himself at the center of moderately hilarious mishaps, all of which he managed to solve in thirty minutes. After a stellar four years in high school, his parents died in a terrible car accident. Due to Morris’s new financial situation, he can no longer attend Chapman and will be going to Irvine Community College, near which he will live with his evil great aunt. Morris is expected to commit suicide in the coming weeks.
Adam Wallace, 22
Bitchfield, United Kingdom
Adam Wallace was born and raised in Liverpool, England where he lived before moving to the small farming town of Bitchfield with his family. After graduating secondary school, he began his farming career. After a tragic cottonseed accident, he hoped to start his film career, but his scholarship award was roughly the same as purchasing a new goat for his family. Currently, Wallace spends his time knitting the broken outfits of the farm employees. He cries four times per day. Life is really a bitch.
Wyston Mayfield, 18
Torrance, California
Wyston Mayfield is fucking pissed. Fucking seriously, Chapman? What the shit is wrong with you? Are you ass backwards as fuck? God fucking damint.
Amelia Wynkoop, 17
Wichita, Kansas
Amelia Wynkoop was born deaf, but fell in love with movies, in spite of the fact she had to watch them with subtitles. Her dream was to make a new kind of silent movie that relied on typography for its message. She has been extremely excited at the prospect of coming to Chapman since they built the Dodge College. Her high school counselor signed to her on a regular basis that she would be able to make it. Since receiving her financial aid letter, Wynkoop has slipped into a deep depression. Sources tell The Daily Chapman that she will be starting her career in the cannabis business in the coming days.
Winfreed Balarky, 32
Golden, Colorado
After a dignified career in the US Army, Winfreed “Winnie” Balarky hoped to attend a prestigious, private film school near Hollywood. Balarky was looking for a small, close-knit community where he could share his war stories. He was excitedly looking forward to coming to Chapman, but received a lower scholarship offer than other non-traditional students. “He was an army man,” said Financial Aid Officer Milton Warble. “He must not have been very artsy.” Balarky currently plans to attend the University of Southern California, just like all other film students wanted to.
Marion Stabler, 17
Pittsburg, Pennsylvania
Mary Stabler was born to be an artist. She began finger painting at age two. By the end of High School, she had won fourteen first place prizes for her artwork. “Her portfolio was amazing,” said the Chair of the Studio Art program. “I would’ve loved to pay for Stabler to go through school myself, but now, I’ll stare at that completely inartistic giant ball. Damnit.”
Vince Polygon-McGillicuddy, 53
The Bermuda Fucking Triangle
Vince wanted to come to Chapman just like his daddy did. He applied hoping to get in on the coveted “Legacy Scholarship” but was denied by the office of Financial Aid, not because of the Global Citizens Plaza, but because he is an unoriginal piece of shit. He really, really sucks.
Meredith Creamsley, 18
Manchester, England
Meredith actually got accepted to Chapman, but got lost on the drive over from Manchester for a campus tour. A Google Maps error, theoretically caused by interference from the reflective stainless steel orb atop the Global Citizens Plaza, resulted in a car accident and her subsequent drowning. Her corpse is currently being nibbled at by minnows. May she rest in piece.
Katie Goldburg, 20
Paris, Texas
Katie Goldburg is currently a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin. She fucking hates her fucking life because the school is a piece of shit. She was hoping to leave that goddamn dump and start a new frontier of collegiate sunshine at Chapman University. After receiving her financial aid award letter, she was really fucking pissed. “I can’t believe you got in and I didn’t,” said Goldburg. “This is fucking absurd.”
Maja Jones Tiavegapuri, 12
Palembang, Malaysia
Maja has been working on dentist equipment in her father’s sweatshop since she was four-years-old. In her dreams, a fairy told her to follow her dreams, so she applied to Chapman University with hopes of escaping the tyranny of her life. She was rejected by the financial aid department for having “poor credit”. “Our global citizenship goes a long way,” said President James L. Doti. “But not that far…”
Fredward Bartholomew Jonesfellow, 19
Long Beach, The OC
So dude my broskee Jonesy works for his dad’s gnarly exotic hair spot as a guinea pig for new junk ‘n’ stuff, so he can like totally save the animals and junk. He likes animals. They’re way legit. And junk. It is said he has a way with animals. But the dude’s totally dank. And legit. Lawlercaust. He was super bummed when Chapman totally exnayed his doughenbay. Lamezorz!
Kimberly Green, 17
Burbank, California
Kimberly was valedictorian of her class, graduated with a 5.0 average. She scored a record-breaking 2500 on her SAT. She dedicated every waking hour not dedicated to her studies to community service. She donated her sleep hours to the UCLA Sleep Studies program. She applied to Chapman but was rejected. The end.
Jimbo Fellows, 38
Atlanta, Georgia
Jimbo was one great goddern feller who was the bestest kid anyone in the whole state a Georgia ever did see. He kept up them cows when his pa was away at market and he pulled a record 8 eggs from a chicken in one sittin. Jimbo also loved to roll around in fields of hay where he experiences an allergic reaction that gives him a hallucinogenic high and allow him to score a “Not Bad” on the lesser know ACSAT’s. Jimbo’s family mostly died in a chimney fire and he was lookin’ to Chapman for a good down country name that sounded dern-near not threatenin’ and fuck tons of barrel rollin fun. He was rejected for having SARS.
Jimmy ’murka Smith, 18
Washington DC, ‘murka
Jimmy ‘murka Smith was hoping to be a Political Science Major, but refused to check the “I agree to be a Global Citizen” box on his application. Smith’s scholarship rejection letter reminded him, “besides, we don’t really have that great of a Poli-Sci department anyway.”
Miles “Stubs” Coltrane, 18
Danville, CA
Due to birth defects, Miles “Stubs” Coltrane was born severely deformed and elected to become a quadruple amputee. Due to his physical nature, Chapman offered him the ability to pay precisely 60% of regular tuition. “He’s 60% of a person, thus he should pay 60% of the tuition,” said Admissions Coordinator Dillon Mitchell. However, even after the 40% pay cut, Coltrane still didn’t make the cut and was amputated from the Chapman family.
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