By The Daily Chapman’s Pack of Trained MonkeysIn a completely expected display of professional journalism, The Panther Newspaper released an article today about The Daily Chapman online satirical news source that was “so belligerently apathetic that it was uninteresting,” said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick.
The article titled “Satirical news makes a scene on campus” was almost entirely quotations and did it’s absolute best to attribute everything it said to Daily Chapman Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston. “My last name was stated thirteen times,” said Ormiston. “I like my name, don’t get me wrong – it’s very Scottish – but you should never have a 2:3 name-to-paragraph ratio.”
“The article was carefully written,” said Daily Chapman Director of Campus Relations William P. Blackwell from his hospital bed. “It’s obvious that they didn’t want to give us any material to comment on. In doing so, they created this completely bland and uninteresting article that shouted the apathy that The Panther has come to be known for.”
“The Panther is great at reflecting the campus voice,” said junior Giles Wilikers. “It’s so bland and uninterestingly apathetic that I tend to use it when I need a good cry. It bores me to tears. They don't even try to brighten up boring articles. They could just put in 'and then I found five dollars' or something!”
“The Panther needs some real pizzazz,” said senior Mitchell Arlington. “I’m concerned about their spiritual oneness. I highly recommend they invest in some meditation instruction.”
Our thoughts and prayers go out to The Panther and their spiritual atonement.
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