By Resident Foot Massage Expert Richard Dyck
After a meeting of Daily Chapman Senior Staff Members in Boulder, CO Thursday morning, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick announced that The Daily Chapman would be sponsoring Chapman University’s first ever Alcoholics Anonymous group. “For the New Year, we at The Daily Chapman have decided to reinvest ourselves spiritually,” said Wortwick. “Part of our religious tradition and part of our responsibility as members of this Christian nation is to love each and every person, in spite of their imperfections. It is important for us to embrace and encourage imperfections because it is those imperfections that make people truly beautiful.”
“The group will meet every Thursday night at the offices of The Daily Chapman,” explained Daily Chapman Press Security William P. Blackwell. “And it will encourage poor drinking behavior such as binge drinking, emptying kegs straight into one’s mouth, and drinking enough red wine to get that awful red wine headache. Attendees are encouraged to share stories, such as getting shit-faced on a Monday for no reason, drinking in class, and punching some asshole in the face because he was too drunk to know the difference, as a means to cope with their imperfection. We believe that all of these events will help attendees to cope with their alcoholism and realize that they are not alone.”
The new support group has already come under heavy criticism from people who don’t know how to have fun. “Encouraging alcoholics to continue their alcoholic behaviors is simply irresponsible,” said Orange Resident Maria Ameña Lopez. “Alcohol is an addiction and it should be treated like an addiction.”
“Yeah, alcohol is addicting,” said Wortwick. “But you know what’s really addicting? Heroin. We don’t condone that shit.”
From all of his here at The Daily Chapman, thank you for a beautiful 2009. As we ring in 2010, remember to embrace the imperfections in those you love, because let’s face it, if Alan Wortwick wasn’t such an alcoholic, we wouldn’t love him as much. All the best to you and yours. We raise our glass to you.
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If part of your New Years Resolution includes getting laid more often, consider what being apart of The Daily Chapman can do for your sex life. Want to get laid? Want to write for the Daily Chapman? Contact the Benevolent Dictator today at admin@dailychapman.com and join our team! It’s great for your sex life and your liver!
4 complaints:
Getting trashed for class is awesome.
Frank-
What part of "We all hate you. You should shut up." don't you understand?
-Al
The part where I'm the only "writer" for the Daily Chapman that doesn't get invited to the orgies.
You're not a "writer". You leave dumb as shit comments that don't add anything to anyone's enjoyment of this publication. You annoy the fuck out of us, so, obviously, you're not invited to our orgies. Plus, we wouldn't want you to reproduce anyway.
Affectionately,
Alan
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