DECISION 2009 UPDATE: Cultural Miscommunication Leaves Many Cerebrating "Erection Day"

by an Insensitive Prick


For many students, the AS Senate Elections are a three day celebration for apathy and discontent. "What the hell is AS?" said junior Collin Payton. "Chapman U has a Senate? Where have I been for the last three years?"

However, many students are gearing up for a new sort of celebration for student government. "I highry suggest you arr go out and vote for AS Erections," said Chapman Enthusiast Yung Chou. "Let us arr cerebrate erection day!"

With the influence of students like Chou, many students have spent a significant amount of time cerebrating the recent erections. "I've put a lot of thought into it and I'm going to vote this semester," said senior Julie Bibble. "I think I have a pretty good idea of who should win the AS Erections and I want my voice to be heard."

The Lambda Pi Omega fraternity is expected to have a party cerebrating the erection results this Thursday as the polls come in. "We're all really excited," said Lambda Pi Omega Member Hayden Arter. "It's about time we take the time to bring attention to great Chapman Erections."

To Vote For the AS Elections, go to: http://www.chapman.edu/as/elections.asp

Pregnancy Tests Fly Off Shelves After One Big Sex Night

By a Vent Rat

It is being called, “the largest Tuesday morning pregnancy scare of all time.” Sophomore Candice Malti blames it on One Big Sex Night. “I did everything they told us to,” Malti told a Daily Chapman Investigator. “It’s not my fault your condom broke!”

The Facebook event for the evening alluded to the event as “a night of sex, toys and fetishes” with “giveaways, safe sex practice education, and general sexual health information.” However, what started as an educational practice quickly turned into one of the loudest nights in Morlan Hall history. “They handed out over a dozen dildos,” said junior William G. O’Maly. “What did they expect was going to happen? We just did our homework!”

The event, sponsored by the Gay-Straight Alliance, resulted in the single largest orgy in Chapman University history, with over fourteen dozen people and eight sexually transmitted diseases in attendance. Most people told The Daily Chapman that they experienced things that far exceeded even their wildest dreams. “I had no idea that that could go there!” said senior baseball major Adam Wilson. “It was wonderful!”

Although the official number of pregnancies is unknown, all local Walmart, Target, 7-Eleven, CVS Pharmacy, and Walgreens stores have reported that they are out of pregnancy tests and have located nearly twelve hundred positive tests in their waste bins. “Most people bought two or three,” said local 7-Eleven owner Majabi Aghamadiniolbaboa (spelling errors possible). “I would assume that there are only like seven hundred pregnant girls. Even still… wow.”

So far, only 43% of the known pregnancies have been attributed to Daily Chapman staff members. This beats any other campus organization by over 30%. “The Panther only impregnated like a dozen, or about 2%,” said Panther Printing Editor Michelle Angel. “I’m a little ashamed really.”

If you have any ideas for names of any of Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick’s illegitimate children, please e-mail awortwick@dailychapman.com.

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: Panther Newspaper Accused of Bland Reporting

By The Daily Chapman’s Pack of Trained Monkeys

In a completely expected display of professional journalism, The Panther Newspaper released an article today about The Daily Chapman online satirical news source that was “so belligerently apathetic that it was uninteresting,” said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick.

The article titled “Satirical news makes a scene on campus” was almost entirely quotations and did it’s absolute best to attribute everything it said to Daily Chapman Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston. “My last name was stated thirteen times,” said Ormiston. “I like my name, don’t get me wrong – it’s very Scottish – but you should never have a 2:3 name-to-paragraph ratio.”

“The article was carefully written,” said Daily Chapman Director of Campus Relations William P. Blackwell from his hospital bed. “It’s obvious that they didn’t want to give us any material to comment on. In doing so, they created this completely bland and uninteresting article that shouted the apathy that The Panther has come to be known for.”

“The Panther is great at reflecting the campus voice,” said junior Giles Wilikers. “It’s so bland and uninterestingly apathetic that I tend to use it when I need a good cry. It bores me to tears. They don't even try to brighten up boring articles. They could just put in 'and then I found five dollars' or something!”

“The Panther needs some real pizzazz,” said senior Mitchell Arlington. “I’m concerned about their spiritual oneness. I highly recommend they invest in some meditation instruction.”

Our thoughts and prayers go out to The Panther and their spiritual atonement.

Dodge College Denies Batman’s Existence

by the Local Supervillain

When the students arrived to what was advertised as the long awaited “The Dark Knight” screening at Dodge College’s Folino Theater, the administration decided to have a surprise intervention for Chapman Batfans. Instead of proceeding to play the film as promised, the Dean of the Film School decided to give an extremely controversial speech, “After the recent incident of students ‘jokerizing’ the bust of Albert Schweitzer, we’d like to make an announcement that Batman is, in fact, not real, and Gotham is a city in a fictional universe. Why is this so serious? You treat this movie as if it’s real… You should simply ‘Believe in Harvey Dent’ the same way you say that you believe in the tooth fairy; as a work of fiction.” The outrage of this surprise intervention led to the students storming out of the theater. The next morning the Albert Schweitzer bust had been found jokerized again.

Further detective work by The Daily Chapman staff revealed an interesting dark secret about the film school and it’s relationship with the beloved nation-wide hero Batman. An undisclosed faculty member of Dodge College shed some light on the issue, “Don’t let them fool you, Batman is real, Dodge college paid a mysterious somebody to catch him and bring him here… but like a lot of the extremely cool things at Dodge that your tuition helps pay for, only the graduate students get to see Batman. Too many professors praised Batman’s most recent endeavors, and Dodge needed a sort of damage control to curb the possibility of somebody uncovering this, so they told you he wasn’t real.”

Is Dodge College keeping Batman prisoner? Are they denying his existence so they seem innocent? Will an undergraduate student ever get to meet half the faculty advertised at working at Dodge? Is the Joker behind this all? Find out next time on THE DAILY BATMAN Issue #472!

SPECIAL FEATURE: The Global Citizen Dedication and Gala

by The Daily Chapman Staff

DISCLAIMER:
We will be publishing factual information that we believe should be made known to the Chapman Community, either for reasons of genuine importance or for the simple hilarity contained in the context of its truthful nature. If you find any mistakes in articles marked "Factual" please e-mail admin@dailychapman.com.

Globe Atop Global Citizens Plaza Spins The Wrong Direction [Factual]
By The Daily Chapman Staff

Of the numerous guests present at the Global Citizens Plaza Dedication Ceremony, none was more deserving of recognition than designer of the Julianne Argyros fountain Gary Jackson (pictured on the right). “This is the first turning sphere of this size in the whole world,” said Jackson to The Daily Chapman. “Even though it’s hollow, it still weighs a thousand pounds... And it turns the wrong direction. That wasn’t my idea.”

Having designed fountains for the Belagio, the Venetian and even the Lord of the Rings Studios in New Zealand, Jackson is an extremely important figure in the world of fountain design and sculpture, more specifically in the field of large spherical sculptures and water features. “Just from my conversation with him, I could tell that he really knew his stuff,” said Daily Chapman Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston. “Our investigation teams later discovered he was right.”

For countries in the northern hemisphere, the world is viewed from the North Pole, which means that the Earth spins counter-clockwise. For our Australian, African and South American brothers and sisters, the Earth spins clockwise, based on the South Pole. This means that if analyzed from space, the globe atop the Global Citizens Plaza will appear to spin the opposite direction of the Earth, due to it’s location.

Students seem to have a great amount of frustration with the globe’s directional spin. “I had no idea that the rotation of the earth had reversed itself!” said junior Anna Roth. “I'm so pleased that Chapman had the foresight and technology to accommodate for this unexpected and probably havoc-wreaking reaction that our planet had to our presence. I'm sure global warming had something to do with it.”

As usual, Chapman’s lack of attention to detail is expected to be regarded with the familiar phrase, “Oh, Chapman.”


Trustees Sacrifice Student To Appease The Fountain Gods
By Colonel Lyon Wilson Arnolds III

Sunday morning at approximately 3 a.m., a group of over a dozen hooded, chanting figures marched towards the global citizens plaza. “It was terrifying,” said freshman William Gyre. “And that’s not just the alcohol talking.”

Although Public Safety immediately quarantined the area, allowing no further student involvement, sources tell The Daily Chapman that it was the Chapman University Board of Trustees. “One was in a wheelchair,” said an anonymous source. “Students don’t do wheelchairs. Old people do. Trustees are old people.”

After the group had vacated, Daily Chapman investigators located the body of sophomore Angela Schwielder floating in the fountain unconscious. After rigorous CPR, Schwiedler was resuscitated. “They were trying to sacrifice me to the fountain gods!” screamed Schwielder. “Don’t let them take me again!”

“They failed in the sacrifice,” Poseidon told The Daily Chapman. “I feel an earthquake coming on that’s going to send that ball a-rollin’!”

More on this as it develops.


Student Ousted From Discussion Panel [Factual]
by Director of Business and Legal Affairs Kyle Ormiston

At 4:30 p.m. Saturday afternoon, students, faculty, staff and other members of the Chapman community gathered in the Fish Interfaith Center to discuss papers of students Sasha Anderson, Katherine Blaisell, Jonathon Cohen and Kaela Dalton, all of which were written about Powell's life and career. The discussion panel consisted of the students summarizing their papers and then hearing Colin Powell's remarks on their work. "She got seven minutes," said General Colin Powell. "I got four." All of the students presented their work to Powell, except, of course, for the male.

"I wrote mine on torture," said Jonathon Cohen to The Daily Chapman. Entitled "Colin Powell and Torture in the War on Terror," Cohen's paper is very effective in linking Powell to knowledge of such torture. However, it lacks concrete evidence on his views.

Cohen later told The Daily Chapman that the decision to remove him from the discussion panel was not made because he was critical of Powell, but rather because his paper wasn't "perfect". "For this sort of thing, it need to be perfect. Mine wasn't," said Cohen with acceptance.

In spite of this, the afternoon was a great success. "The one thing I enjoyed the most was the student discussion panel," said Chapman President James L. Doti to The Daily Chapman. "The student papers were presented so well, written so well and each student spoke well. It was a moment of academic beauty and I am so proud of our Chapman Students."

Thanks Jim D. The Daily Chapman loves you.


Doti Remarks On The Daily Chapman
by Investigative Report Willie Nelson

"I read it religiously," said James L. Doti about The Daily Chapman. "Even if you do make fun of me all the time."

"Isn't it pretentious to write an article about ourselves in our own newspaper?" said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick.

More as this develops.


Blue Tie, Good Choice
by Fashion Critic Felipe Finklewitz

Although General Powell arrived at the event wearing that god-awful windbreaker (OMG - Ew!), he brightened up with a mighty-fine politics suit with a beautiful blue tie. Overall, it was a great choice and it was very well received.

"Blue is like totally my favorite color," said sophomore Angela Krinky. "He looked so adorable! I love cute old men!"

Powell was by far the best-dressed of the individuals there. The lady that showed up in that pink fur thing with the gold tights - just thinking about it makes me shiver. Wow! And did you see that Daily Chapman reporter? He was wearing a full suit... WITH JEANS! OMG! What an ass.

Plus! Did you see those gross gold and black ties they made the flag raisers wear? Disgusting!

Overall I rate the evening a "Nice - Nice is a Boring Word!" The dress lacked pizazz. I expect the next one will be far more Woo ha!


The Day In Quotes [Factual]
by the Daily Chapman Staff

The following are quotes that were recorded by The Daily Chapman staff during today's festivities, provided for your personal enjoyment.

"She got seven minutes. I got four."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"You can never be truly separate from the President."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"Don't shortchange the American people in their ability to be smart. They're very smart."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I am not a young people."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I draw the line at twitting. It's ridiculous."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I am not going on facebook. 'Somebody put you on facebook. And by the way, you have 16,000 friends.' There's got to be something illegal about that."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"There are hundreds of thousands of people waiting to correct you."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I have two iPhones and four computers."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"There are people in need. They're in need now. Let's do something about it."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"Currently in the United States, there are more televisions than citizens."
-Sasha Anderson

"Lots of points. Let me touch them."
-Gen. Colin Powell (The Daily Chapman "That's What She Said" of the Day Award Winner)

"I wish I knew what flag that was."
-Chapman President James L. Doti

"Your gift is a fitness center."
-Julianne Argyros

"If you girls were envious, eat this."
-Julianne Argyros

"When the world has a problem, they know there is one country that they can go to and that country is the United States of America."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"At this stage in my life, at this stage in my career, I'm honored to be anywhere."
-Gen. Colin Powell

"I bought a corvette."
-Gen. Colin L. Powell

"General, please take the hot dog, I've already been paid."
-Gen. Colin Powell quoting an immigrant New York Hot Dog Cart Owner

"You don't have to go to Italy for a taste of Italy."
-James L. Doti about the Attallah Piazza

"Chapman University Campus is the #1 place to make-out, so instead of waiting for valet, why not have some fun tonight!"
-James L. Doti

"The Plaza takes on a whole new shape at night."
-James L. Doti

"I'm going to go see the plaza. I've never seen it at night."
-James L. Doti

"I told you I'd get you a pool. It's fantastic, isn't it? Cool off in there."
-James L. Doti to swimmers in the Julianne Argyros Fountain

SPECIAL FEATURE: Global Citizens Plaza Rids Eighteen Students of an Education

By The Daily Chapman Staff

The Global Citizens Plaza cost precisely 2.25 million dollars, or 17.6 four-year tuitions. The following are biographies of the eighteen people who will not be able to attend Chapman University because said funds were not allocated directly to scholarships.

Mary Knoll, 18
Spruce Head, Maine
Mary was born in Irvine, CA and lived locally until she was fourteen. She would have loved to come to Chapman to return to the love of her childhood. After she was rejected for any sort of scholarship, she decided to live at home and begin a career in discount pharmaceuticals at a drug store.

Kevin Blume, 17
Kalispell, Wisconsin
Kevin fucking hates you. No seriously, don’t even talk to him. He thinks you’re the biggest asshole around, and he knows he’d be happier never seeing you again.

Adam Palpestein, 17
San Luis Obispo, California
Adam Palpenstein was awarded a full-ride scholarship to Chapman University, but was the victim in an unexplainable drowning in the Global Citizens Plaza Fountain. University officials have reallocated Palpestein's scholarship funds to improving other on campus fountains in his memory.

Zack Morris, 18
San Diego, California
Zack Morris was a promising, handsome student and highly intelligent. He often found himself at the center of moderately hilarious mishaps, all of which he managed to solve in thirty minutes. After a stellar four years in high school, his parents died in a terrible car accident. Due to Morris’s new financial situation, he can no longer attend Chapman and will be going to Irvine Community College, near which he will live with his evil great aunt. Morris is expected to commit suicide in the coming weeks.

Adam Wallace, 22
Bitchfield, United Kingdom
Adam Wallace was born and raised in Liverpool, England where he lived before moving to the small farming town of Bitchfield with his family. After graduating secondary school, he began his farming career. After a tragic cottonseed accident, he hoped to start his film career, but his scholarship award was roughly the same as purchasing a new goat for his family. Currently, Wallace spends his time knitting the broken outfits of the farm employees. He cries four times per day. Life is really a bitch.

Wyston Mayfield, 18
Torrance, California
Wyston Mayfield is fucking pissed. Fucking seriously, Chapman? What the shit is wrong with you? Are you ass backwards as fuck? God fucking damint.

Amelia Wynkoop, 17
Wichita, Kansas
Amelia Wynkoop was born deaf, but fell in love with movies, in spite of the fact she had to watch them with subtitles. Her dream was to make a new kind of silent movie that relied on typography for its message. She has been extremely excited at the prospect of coming to Chapman since they built the Dodge College. Her high school counselor signed to her on a regular basis that she would be able to make it. Since receiving her financial aid letter, Wynkoop has slipped into a deep depression. Sources tell The Daily Chapman that she will be starting her career in the cannabis business in the coming days.

Winfreed Balarky, 32
Golden, Colorado
After a dignified career in the US Army, Winfreed “Winnie” Balarky hoped to attend a prestigious, private film school near Hollywood. Balarky was looking for a small, close-knit community where he could share his war stories. He was excitedly looking forward to coming to Chapman, but received a lower scholarship offer than other non-traditional students. “He was an army man,” said Financial Aid Officer Milton Warble. “He must not have been very artsy.” Balarky currently plans to attend the University of Southern California, just like all other film students wanted to.

Marion Stabler, 17
Pittsburg, Pennsylvania
Mary Stabler was born to be an artist. She began finger painting at age two. By the end of High School, she had won fourteen first place prizes for her artwork. “Her portfolio was amazing,” said the Chair of the Studio Art program. “I would’ve loved to pay for Stabler to go through school myself, but now, I’ll stare at that completely inartistic giant ball. Damnit.”

Vince Polygon-McGillicuddy, 53
The Bermuda Fucking Triangle
Vince wanted to come to Chapman just like his daddy did. He applied hoping to get in on the coveted “Legacy Scholarship” but was denied by the office of Financial Aid, not because of the Global Citizens Plaza, but because he is an unoriginal piece of shit. He really, really sucks.

Meredith Creamsley, 18
Manchester, England
Meredith actually got accepted to Chapman, but got lost on the drive over from Manchester for a campus tour. A Google Maps error, theoretically caused by interference from the reflective stainless steel orb atop the Global Citizens Plaza, resulted in a car accident and her subsequent drowning. Her corpse is currently being nibbled at by minnows. May she rest in piece.

Katie Goldburg, 20
Paris, Texas
Katie Goldburg is currently a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin. She fucking hates her fucking life because the school is a piece of shit. She was hoping to leave that goddamn dump and start a new frontier of collegiate sunshine at Chapman University. After receiving her financial aid award letter, she was really fucking pissed. “I can’t believe you got in and I didn’t,” said Goldburg. “This is fucking absurd.”

Maja Jones Tiavegapuri, 12
Palembang, Malaysia
Maja has been working on dentist equipment in her father’s sweatshop since she was four-years-old. In her dreams, a fairy told her to follow her dreams, so she applied to Chapman University with hopes of escaping the tyranny of her life. She was rejected by the financial aid department for having “poor credit”. “Our global citizenship goes a long way,” said President James L. Doti. “But not that far…”

Fredward Bartholomew Jonesfellow, 19
Long Beach, The OC
So dude my broskee Jonesy works for his dad’s gnarly exotic hair spot as a guinea pig for new junk ‘n’ stuff, so he can like totally save the animals and junk. He likes animals. They’re way legit. And junk. It is said he has a way with animals. But the dude’s totally dank. And legit. Lawlercaust. He was super bummed when Chapman totally exnayed his doughenbay. Lamezorz!

Kimberly Green, 17
Burbank, California
Kimberly was valedictorian of her class, graduated with a 5.0 average. She scored a record-breaking 2500 on her SAT. She dedicated every waking hour not dedicated to her studies to community service. She donated her sleep hours to the UCLA Sleep Studies program. She applied to Chapman but was rejected. The end.

Jimbo Fellows, 38
Atlanta, Georgia
Jimbo was one great goddern feller who was the bestest kid anyone in the whole state a Georgia ever did see. He kept up them cows when his pa was away at market and he pulled a record 8 eggs from a chicken in one sittin. Jimbo also loved to roll around in fields of hay where he experiences an allergic reaction that gives him a hallucinogenic high and allow him to score a “Not Bad” on the lesser know ACSAT’s. Jimbo’s family mostly died in a chimney fire and he was lookin’ to Chapman for a good down country name that sounded dern-near not threatenin’ and fuck tons of barrel rollin fun. He was rejected for having SARS.

Jimmy ’murka Smith, 18
Washington DC, ‘murka
Jimmy ‘murka Smith was hoping to be a Political Science Major, but refused to check the “I agree to be a Global Citizen” box on his application. Smith’s scholarship rejection letter reminded him, “besides, we don’t really have that great of a Poli-Sci department anyway.”

Miles “Stubs” Coltrane, 18
Danville, CA
Due to birth defects, Miles “Stubs” Coltrane was born severely deformed and elected to become a quadruple amputee. Due to his physical nature, Chapman offered him the ability to pay precisely 60% of regular tuition. “He’s 60% of a person, thus he should pay 60% of the tuition,” said Admissions Coordinator Dillon Mitchell. However, even after the 40% pay cut, Coltrane still didn’t make the cut and was amputated from the Chapman family.

SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: Love in the Tunnel of Oppression!

by the Resident Womanizer

It has been confirmed by a Daily Chapman investigatory squad that two love birds had sex in the Tunnel of Oppression multiple times over that last week. "What's the appeal in going into a tunnel where you get oppressed?" asked Sophomore Jane Stark. "Unless of course, you're getting depressed playing games like, 'That's Not My Belly Button, That's Not My Finger'."

The dirty deeds done presumably free were committed on a bed in a part of the exhibit called "How much does your room cost?" which labels typical items in a dorm room and their cost. Chapman administration began to be suspicious when they saw a price tag on the bed that simply read, "LAST NIGHT - PRICELESS."

Freshman Jordan Baker admitted to "putting his oppressor" in her Tunnel of Oppression in the Tunnel of Oppression last night. "I was about to have sex with this hot chick when my roommate totally walked in and I knew I had to find another place to bang her. What's better than a place that's completely enclosed and has mood lighting?" Baker continued saying that he felt sexually oppressed by the university due to his inability to live out his sexual desires. His trip to the Tunnel of Oppression reportedly alleviated his stunted sexuality and revitalized his faith in the global love spread by this fine university.

Amen.

Chapman Has Largest Shaft-to-Ball Ratio Of Any University

by a Stubborn Walnut 

Tuesday, the Princeton Review released a new study of all universities worldwide naming Chapman University the university with the single largest "Shaft-to-Ball" ratio of any university worldwide. "This is a real honor," said Chapman University President James L. Doti. "I'm very proud of our university and all of our extremely tall, long, hard shafts." 

Sources tell The Daily Chapman that this has to do with the new Global Citizens Plaza. "There's a lot of really tall, shiny rods out there," said sophomore Michael Mengel. "There's no way that any other university could ever have that many shafts." 

"Sure, we won the shafts award," said Director of Development Adam McWebber. "But what I don't understand is why we didn't win the "largest balls of steel" award. Its unfair at best."

"For the Princeton Review, it's all about quantity," said Awards Coordinator for The Princeton Review Adam Cane-Abel. "Although Chapman has one fine ball of steel, so does Lance Armstrong. We're going to have to award the Harlem Globetrotters with the largest balls of steel. There's just so many steel balls..."

Although Chapman won the largest shaft-to-ball ratio, it seems that the People's Republic of China took the award for most numerous shafts. "There's no question that China is a way bigger sausage-fest than Chapman," said critic Anna Navels. "Oh! You were talking about metal shafts. I can't comment on that."

More on this as it develops.

Earthquake Makes Chapman's Ball Wet

by Lady Artsy Sex Kitten Catalina L. Flukston

“It was a disaster,” said construction supervisor and witness Noah Vale. “The whole thing just came tumbling down and rolled right into the pool. There was nothing we could do.”

Wednesday at about 6:00 p.m. an earthquake shook Chapman University. Although small, the seismic activity was enough to cause the eight-foot, stainless steel orb, which previously adorned the highly anticipated Global Citizen’s Plaza, to become dislodged at which point it rolled violently into the Allred Aquatics Center Pool.

"It just rolled around the fountain for a few moments like a basketball on a hoop ring," said Vale's coworker and fellow witness Likstu Badelot. "Finally it fell off the platform, destroyed those iron gates and plopped into Chapman’s new Allred Aquatics Center."

“Thank God it didn’t hit my car,” said concerned student Anita Brayke.

The ball, which weighs precisely six fucktons, smashed into the bottom of the pool, causing millions in damage and flooding.

“Poor planning is to blame," says Vale. "What idiot didn’t think to mount the ball?”

“The administration was just so rushed to get this thing ready for the public before Powell got here that we didn’t let the architects take the time to apply safety precautions,” states architectural director Klaus Shave.

In a desperate attempt to place the ball back on the fountain and repair all of the damages, the university called its award-winning Physics team from George Mason University to the scene. Using a large crane with a magnet powerful enough to lift an airplane, the team lifted the ball out of the pool. “It was our only idea. If we damaged the ball, we probably wouldn’t ever see our families again,” says physicist who wishes to remain anonymous. However, as soon as the ball was placed back onto the fountain, a new problem arose: how the hell to get the ball off of the magnet.

More as this story unfolds.

Chapman Students Stubbornly Refuse To Become Global Citizens

by the Chief Sexual Correspondent

According to a recent poll, ninety percent of Chapman students are confused or angry about their new found global citizenship.

“I just don’t understand what it really means. Do you know?” asked one student.

“How the shit would I know? Piss. Stupid expensive fucking ball. God dammit,” replied another.

Conversations like this have become commonplace amongst the Chapman community, most often taking place when two or more students pass the new plaza on their way to class or Greek Life shit. And while Chapman officials are not yet panicked about the lack of student support for the ball with poles around it, they are nonetheless worried.

“What a lot of the bigwigs upstairs don’t realize is that this thing really needs student support to succeed,” spat Chapman Development Coordinator Richard Klein from his basement office. “Otherwise, it’s just gonna become a ball for drunk guys to piss on.”

And the truth is, he may be right. According to my grandpa, a Chapman School of Railroads alum, not a single extravagant development has been erected in the University’s history without students lashing out with anger and urine.

“Now go get me a hooker,” he hoarsely requested after the interview.

“Ok,” I lied.

More on this as it deveops into nonsensical bullshit.

Old Fountains on Strike

By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot

In a last ditch attempt to halt Saturday's Commencement ceremony for the new Global Citizen's Plaza and Ball Fountain, Chapman's chapter of the UFR (Union for Fountain Rights) has decided to go on strike for an indefinite amount of time. The UFR is made up of the fountain by Beckman, the Berlin Wall fountain, and that one other fountain – you know, the one that's kind of by the library?

The self-appointed leader, Beckman fountain, had some words for The Daily Chapman:

"We just don't like how Chapman is toying with our job security. A campus can only throw away so much money on fountains before realizing that it should use that money for scholarships. In order to show our solidarity and demonstrate how much Chapman needs us, we will be shutting down until the new fountain is dismantled."

We at the Daily Chapman, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, decided to get the opposition view on this touchy subject. We asked President Doti for his input. He claims that the fountains are wrong – that, in fact, the sky is the limit when it comes to wasting money that really should be going towards scholarships.

"You know, I don't really see why the fountains are so upset about the Global Citizen's Plaza. We built it because other schools that are bigger and better than ours have lots of fountains. It's my personal philosophy that the true measure of a school is not its classroom facilities, nor is it the students that attend, but rather it is how many exorbitantly expensive ornaments you can decorate your campus with. I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing even more of these fountain things popping up around campus sometime soon."

Doti finished this last phrase with a large, exaggerated wink.

As controversial as this topic is, Chapman students once again demonstrated their tremendous apathy towards anything remotely thought-provoking or important.

"Wait, we have more than one fountain?" said Johnny Wilkins-Booth (Junior) when asked for comment. Upon having the Berlin Wall fountain pointed out to him, Wilkins-Booth stared in amazement for a few moments, turned towards this reporter, and asked "Who would graffiti a piece of the Berlin Wall, man? That's terrible," before walking away.

Representatives for the fountains will be selling bracelets for $1 in front of Argyros Forum all week to demonstrate campus solidarity with their cause.

Chapman Saves Thousands By Planting Dead Trees

By Resident Repetition Expert Andy McAndrews

In a startling move some time last week, landscapers planted trees that appear to be dead or, at the very least on their way out, adjacent to the 2.25 million dollar Global Citizens Plaza behind the Lastinger Athletics Complex and the Fish Interfaith Center.

“We raised the funds for this thing, what? A year ago?” said construction manager Nibble Kitting. “Material costs have been skyrocketing over the last few years. We simply ran out of money, so we bought dead trees, four for the price of one live one. It was a great deal! They look half as good for a quarter of the price. Tell me that isn’t awesome.”

The student reaction can be considered confused at best. “Really?” said sophomore Corey Potter. “Forty thousand dollars a year and they can’t even put in living trees. Really, Chapman? C’mon.”

The landscaping is expected to be replaced by concrete just like every other square foot of attractive land on campus within the coming years and, thus, not considered an issue any longer.

Chapman To Launch “Galactic Citizens” Educational Approach

by Investigative Reporter Helen Keller

The Chapman Department of Campus and Student Life, in conjunction with the former Center for Global Citizenship, recently announced the commission of a new Galactic Citizens educational criterion to be immediately applied to admissions, majors, and required credits. The announcement marks an ambitious development on the previous “Global Citizens” program, which required language classes and study abroad credits. “No other University to my knowledge has the ambition for such a program,” new program coordinator Laura Michaelson said. “In addition to the newly required 9 credits in interactive Galactic Studies, students will now be required to participate in Semester in Space, as well as a research program or media internship aboard the International Space Station. Chapman has certainly taken a promising step towards becoming the Galactic Education Center of the West”.

Despite the considerably enhanced reputation that the announcement is expected to bring, a few student critics have decried to loss of Chapman’s traditional emphasis on personal education and a local feel. “The cost of space launches is expected to cause a 10,000% increase in tuition alone,” Sophomore Lance Alberts said. “Plus how often does NASA even launch spaceships? A few times a year? That’s going to be a really crowded class.”

But despite the drawbacks the Board of Regents is confident that the increase in tuition and academic requirements will ultimately strengthen Chapman’s academic fabric. “The fact is, the Global Citizens approach just wasn’t stringent enough,” an unnamed University spokesman said. “The large contingent of students from Southern California at this school just don’t really care enough about the outside world or global culture to travel more than 30 minutes from home. We figured the only remedy was to take them out of this world.”

Several students agreed. “I guess I’d stop skipping class to go to the beach if each class cost a million dollars,” Chapman freshman Sarah Lawrence said. “I don’t know if I’d ever do a Space thing major though because I’m already a Dance major and it’s like really hard.”

President Doti expressed strong support for the new program but refused to comment on the possibility of adding more globes to the future Galactic Citizens Plaza. However, unnamed sources tell The Daily Chapman, “The Jupiter steel ball is going to be amazing.”

More on this as it develops.

Chapman Begins Handicapping Students To Provide More Parking

By Grand Master Koses, Patron Saint of Angus Beef

“They came out of nowhere,” said junior Wilhelm McGeebees. “They pinned me down in broad daylight and then took a sledgehammer to my legs, shouting ‘This is for the good of the University!’ Public Safety just stood there and watched!”

McGeebees was the first in a string of pro-university assaults. “They travel in groups of at least a dozen, dressed in black hoods,” trembled witness Millhouse Weston. “Then they surround a student and attack them. They attacked my friend Michael in Attallah Plaza! They have no deceny!”

The reason? “A recent student survey said that parking was, and I quote, ‘a real ass pain’,” said one of the hooded figures. “Handicapping students is truly the best way to use pre-existing parking spaces without using further student tuition dollars to create more. We are simply providing for student needs. Now, lie down. This is for the good of the University.”

“We give you everything,” said Director of Accounting Bill Martin. “If you want better parking, we’ll give you better parking, you selfish brats!”

President Doti has refused to comment on the issue.

The Daily Chapman is currently accepting cards and donations to help William P. Blackwell, Director of Campus Relations and Investigative Reporter for The Daily Chapman, who was injured during the creation of this article. Our thoughts and prayers are with him as we hope for a speedy recovery.

Statistic: 137% of Chapman Students Drink Regularly

by Dr. Catastrophe

A recent Daily Chapman survey on college drinking habits showed 137 percent of students admitted they drink heavily on a regular basis.

“Yeah man!” explained fraternity leader Taylor Fife in an interview last Tuesday, “(That’s why) they call me Hopper, (what) ev(er) you throw in me, I’ll churn tha(t) shit”. Taylor, who admits he drinks almost every night, went on further to explain he has arranged all his classes on Tuesday and Wednesday “Bitch-days” and that all his classes start past 6pm.

Alcohol, the most primitive form of… well you know, ha. Anyway, we’ll- God, I feel so stupid right now, don’t, well. I just wanted to tell you I love you man, I mean I really, really like love you… god, this moust- must sound stu-. what? huh? No, no, I’m good to drive. I am, I really am! Trust me here, you never trust me with anything Kyle. Do you guys ever think about dying sometimes? I mean really think about it?

It is noted that the statistic has a 37% margin of error and pussies were exempted from the survey.

Chapman Network Administrator Thinks You're Disgusting

by the Unpaid Intern

Phil Martin, network administrator at Chapman, says that site you visited last night crossed the line. "I'm a network administrator at a college. I've seen a lot of porn. I thought I'd seen everything, but boy was I wrong."

When asked to explain details, Martin promptly vomited. After recovering, his eyes noticeably glazed over as he said "Look, there are some things kittens should never be used for. That website demonstrated three of them."

Although there are no official legal consequences for what you've done, neither Phil Martin or anyone here at The Daily Chapman will ever look at you the same way again.

Chapman Adds New Maximum Weight Requirement For Admission

By Resident Hair Dresser Gabe Humble

Monday, Chapman University Facilities Management announced that the Allred Aquatic Center would be closed due to “flooding.” The cause, some say, is sophomore Michael Dibbleburg.

“I was walking to class by way of the Global Citizens Plaza when I saw this thing on to the diving board,” said witness Amanda Redder. “It was mostly spherical in nature… and then in jumped into the water.” The orb was later identified to be Dibbleburg.

“I just wanted to go swimming,” sniffled Dibbleburg. “Why is everyone so mad at me?”

The University Admissions Department immediately responded saying, “students like Dibbleburg are of great concern to our campus administration. To prevent such fiscal damage to our facilities management department, the 2009-2010 admission requirements will include a new maximum weight requirement. Any student exceeding the weight requirement will be automatically rejected. It’s for the safety of our students, staff and egos.”

Student protests are expected to begin within the coming days and then be forgotten shortly after along with every other instance of Panther Pride in Chapman University history.

Regarding the Passing Of Bryce Turner [FACTUAL]

Submitted by Tom Beigle, Editor-In-Chief,
The Panther Newspaper

For the most up-to-date information, visit http://thepantheronline.com/article.php?id=1101.

Sophomore Bryce Turner died on Monday night, March 16, at St. Joseph Hospital in Orange, according to the coroner's report. Though the autopsy is completed, the cause of death is still unknown.

Turner collapsed while playing a pickup soccer game on Wilson Field, students said. He was then taken by paramedics to St. Joseph.

The coroner's report states that Turner, 19, died at 10:01 p.m. on Monday night after collapsing during a soccer game at Chapman University.

Turner was a men's soccer player and a member of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity. A candlelight vigil was held on Tuesday night, March 17, in the Atallah Piazza. The Piazza was a little more than halfway filled with people. Turner's family was also in attendance.

Here are some other relevant sites to continue your research:

Chapman blog: "Chapman Mourns the Loss of Bryce Turner,"
http://bryceturnermemoriam.blogspot.com/2009/03/this-is-terrible-tragedy-chapman-is.html

The Register's coverage of last night's candlelight vigil:
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/one-bryce-chapman-2338547-student-tripp

The LA Times story about Turner's death:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/03/chapman-univers.html

Here's a story from Turner's hometown:
http://www.courier-journal.com/article/20090318/NEWS01/903180483/1002/SPORTS

The Panther will report more on Turner's death as information becomes available and will also run a story in the next print edition on Monday, March 23.

Please e-mail us if you have any information that could aid in fair and responsible reporting on this matter. Send all e-mails to thepanthernewspaper@gmail.com.

If you would like e-mail updates throughout the week as The Panther learns more, please send an e-mail to the above address with the subject line: "subscribe me."

Contact this reporter: tom.beigle@thepantheronline.com


Thank you. Our thoughts and prayers are with Turner's family and friends.

[The information presented above is factual to the best of our knowledge. To understand the reasons behind the publishing of this article, view the complaints section linked below. To report false information in this article, e-mail admin@dailychapman.com]

Breaking News: Epidemic of Pretentiousness Rampaging Through Chapman

By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot

In recent days, it has become increasingly clear that the Chapman University campus has been hit hard by pretentiouse doochebageris, or the Pretentious Virus. The virus spreads rampantly on campus compared to in the wild, due to the large numbers of "artsy" and "intelligent" people living in a small area.

"We've been seeing a lot of people coming in displaying symptoms of this horrible virus," said Dr. Jorgensen of the Chapman Avenue Medical Center. "I'd say that this year's epidemic is worse than any I've seen in the past."

The Pretentious Virus is not normally deadly. Rather, it gives people a false sense of self-worth, intelligence, and superiority that is wholly undeserved and unreasonable for any college student.

Sadly, just being in the same general area as one of the afflicted oftentimes transmits the virus. Students and faculty alike are warned to be on the lookout for the following symptoms:

1) Producing facts from dubious sources.
2) Having no opinion of one's own; instead, just using someone else's argument.
3) Letting everyone know that one tunes in to CNN/Fox/CSPAN/NPR (really any channel/station that makes you sound smarter).
4) Quoting books that nobody would possibly read except to feel superior (i.e. War and Peace).
5) Wearing shirts with Africa on them.
6) Majoring in English/Philosophy/Art.
7) Generally being an all-American douche nozzle.

If any of these symptoms is spotted in a friend, please tie them up, gag them, and lock them in a closet immediately before calling the hospital.

"If this epidemic continues," said President Obama, "we might have to quarantine the whole entire Chapman University campus. It would be a national tragedy to have to seal off the campus that gave us the largest stainless steel ball in the world."

There is only one known cure for pretentiouse doochebageris – a swift punch in the face. Feel free to oblige.

Seats Available For Powell Student Panel [FACTUAL]

Submitted by Director of Communications and Media Relations Mary Platt

[This was sent to me by the Chapman University PR Department. It is factual. If anyone is interested in attending this event, contact the number below. Thanks.]

A select group of Chapman students will have the opportunity to present papers on Gen. Colin L. Powell’s career and achievements to the former U.S. Secretary of State in person – and hear his reactions – at a panel discussion at 4:30 p.m. Saturday, March 28.

A small number of seats are now available to the campus community to attend the panel, which will be held in the Fish Interfaith Center’s Wallace All Faiths Chapel. Call the event hotline at x6589 (714-997-6589) to register. Seating is first-come, first-served; you may only register two names per call.

Admission is free, but you must register by phone first, and names will be checked at the door. SEATING IS EXTREMELY LIMITED and there will be no standing room. No cameras, cell phones, camcorders or any other recording devices will be allowed at the event. Doors will open at 4 p.m., and late arrivals will not be admitted. The event will begin promptly at 4:30. When the event has reached capacity, the phone message on the hotline will change to reflect that.

Doti Climbs Mount Olympus

by the Unpaid Intern

Chapman University President James Doti is no newcomer to climbing mountains. He has displayed the Chapman pendant on top of three of the seven highest points on each continent. This time, the soft-spoken president of Chapman University needed a change of pace.

"Earth mountains are all the same," he said. "Trees go to rocks, rocks go to snow, then you're at the top. Where's the sense of accomplishment?" Knowing what he needed to do, Doti contacted Virgin Galactic to set up a private flight to Mars.

Sources tell The Daily Chapman that Doti has now displayed the Chapman pendant at the highest point in the solar system.

Estimations for the height of Mount Olympus vary from 14 to 16 miles high. Doti climbed it in three days, stopping once for a power nap. "Whenever I felt like turning around, I remembered my panther pride. It really kept me going."

The photograph was taken at the summit of Mount Olympus, when the temperature was 220° below zero. Doti wore that smile all the way back to Chapman. We may never know whether it was him beaming with panther pride or his flesh simply frozen in place.

Due to the thawing process, Doti was not available for comment.

Girl Mistaken For Hot: P.R. Rep Hired For Damage Control

by the Resident Wonderwoman

Chapman University Junior Tommy Parkhurst awoke to a shock Sunday morning when he logged on to his Facebook account to find himself tagged in three photographs, obviously hooking up with a unnamed Freshman the night previously. “Shit, dude”, Parkhurst is quoted as saying. “I swear she looked hotter last night”.

Men and women of the Chapman community are now putting the pressure on Parkhurst. “I can’t believe Tommy would hook up with just anyone”, says close friend Sandy Bridges. “It’s just not in his personality to mack on a girl who falls within the 2% of Chapman students who don’t look like models”.

Parkhurst is so ashamed by the incident that he has resorted to using all of his In-N-Out tips to hire P.R. Representative K. B. Freedman, a damage control specialist to the stars. Freedman argues, in Parkhurst’s defense, the unnamed freshman female committed the following articles to feign hotness:

Article A: The oversized designer sunglasses. Sported by the vast majority of Chapman’s female population, the typical pair of shades morphs the wearer’s appearance into that of a flying insect. Covering approximately 2/3 of the wearer’s face, Freedman claims his client Parkhurst was at an unfair disadvantage when meeting the young woman for the first time outside of Beckman the previous sunny Friday.

Article B: Inebriation. Parkhurst claims the young woman brought him “like, 18 things of jungle juice” and encouraged him to continue to drink to the point of intoxication, rendering him uninhibited and susceptible to unwitting mistakes.

Article C: It was freaking dark in there. The room in which the actions took place, the record notes, had the lights turned down, making it “difficult to recognize even your own roommates and fraternity brothers”.

P.R. Rep Freedman points out Parkhurst’s previously untarnished track record of “8’s or higher” as well as his recent vow to check with his wingman before hooking up with any unknown girl in weekends ahead. “Untag those pics, dude” is Parkhurst’s final comment on the matter.

Three Kittens Sacrificed to Start Projector

by First Premier Konrad von Schmoot

In a turn of events that some are calling "horrifying," three kittens were slaughtered in order to start up the projector in Beckman 104 last Tuesday. At approximately 2:04 in the afternoon, Professor Salma announced that his class would be watching a movie for the first time all semester in order to "reinforce what they were learning." After arguing, pleading with, and kicking the computer's CD tray for five minutes trying to coerce it into accepting the disc, the tray slid into the computer with a painful squealing noise. Next, the professor hit the power button for the projector. What happened next was truly shocking!

"The projector didn't turn on," said Adam Wilcox, a junior in Salma's class.

Salma called Media Services, the group responsible for the projector. Immediately, Media Services consulted the LAUNAM ROT CE JORP, an arcane text from the 14th century written entirely in blood. "They called us back," says Salma, "and told us that they had found the solution."

At 2:13 P.M., passersby were horrified to see three men in black hoods standing atop the altar of Doti's Giant Steel Ball holding kittens high above their heads. "They were, like, yelling in, like, some weird language and like, waving, like, knives at kittens. OH MY GOD KITTENS!" said junior Kappa Beta Chi member Sarah Ferguson. It was later determined that the men in hoods were yelling in English.

At 2:15 P.M., the men suddenly stopped chanting and used the knives to slit the throats of the kittens. As the blood dripped onto Doti's Ball, the sky turned momentarily purple and immediately, Salma's projector turned on.

Though Media Services wouldn't comment on the article, rumors are that they had to appease the spirit of Baal, Lord of the Underworld before he would allow the projector to function. The blood of kittens is the only thing that could set his spirit to rest until the next time the projector is desperately needed.

Asked about the event, Salma showed little remorse. "You know, kittens are adorable," he said, "but this movie was really important for my class because I was too lazy to create a good lesson plan last night."

So far, no word on whether a similar rite will be needed in order to remove the "PLEASE CLEAN AIR FILTER" notice from the middle of the screen.

Cult Found Operating at Chapman

By Jose G. Oliveros, The Mexican Wrestler/Journalist/Part-Time Pastry Chef

Daily Chapman investigators have recently uncovered a campus-wide cult that calls itself the "RA's," and has infiltrated the school to exercise its power over students. Although it is unknown how such an institution managed to place itself seamlessly within Chapman, or how they somehow got Chapman administration to sanction their actions, it is certain that they have every intention of recruiting more students to their cause.

"We're accepting applications to become an RA," said one cult insider as he put flyers up on dormitory bulletin boards. "If you want, go for it! Don't forget to apply!"

The cult's sway over the student population is enormous, from their seemingly random security checks and health inspections, to their insistence that there be fire drills. How they have managed to go unchallenged by the general student populace is uncertain, but one student who wished to remain anonymous for his or her own safety put forth some theories.

"They've got OA's that help them out in dormitory offices, but almost nobody knows who they are. If you find out, you usually find out by accident. It could be anybody, really. And then they hold events with free food. I'm thinking they put stuff in it to sedate students. That way, they can run fire drills and health and safety inspections with little resistance. It's ingenious, really. And then they say that they just want to be your friend. That's how they get your trust."

The RA's have not expressed any worry that their actions will be challenged. "We're holding a dorm-wide barbecue next Friday!" said one RA to Daily Chapman reporters. "There'll be food and games and music. Check it out, it'll be fun!"

Daily Chapman Accused of “Concise Reporting”

by Senior Linear Undergraduate Theorist A. Ambrose

“Short articles, …vague,” say critics.

“I…[dis]agree…” says one student.

More as this develops.

Chapman Institutes Mandatory Greek Life

by Chief Investigative Reporter Helen Keller

Tuesday, the Office of Student Affairs announced that beginning in the Fall of 2009, all incoming students at the University will be required to join a Greek Organization by the end of their first year. With some of the highest rates of Greek membership already for a school its size and membership on the rise again this semester, many students and faculty feel this latest development was a virtual certainty and the new policy a mere formality. “There wasn’t much of a choice before anyway,” Chapman Senior Michael Hamburg said, “Unless you’re on a sports team you have to go Greek to go to parties and meet members of the opposite sex. I didn’t know it was even still an option not to.”

Students will be monitored by the Office of the Chancellor to ensure they maintain good fraternal standing by paying their dues, attending meetings, and participating in exchanges. Those that fail to do so for two consecutive semesters will have a social hold placed on their account at the Registrar’s office. “Aside from sense of social belonging that accompanies membership a Greek Organization,” said Public Relations Expert Adam Wamburg, “there’s really no compelling social reason to stay at this school. We have academic standards for staying here, after all, so why not social ones too?”

The announcement was greeted with cautious hope by a large portion of a generally listless student body when it received word of the change on another ho-hum Tuesday night. “Maybe this policy will bring another new fraternity or two,” Chapman sophomore Suzy Barnes told our reporter at a quarter to midnight that evening. “All the ‘good’ frat parties get broken up by the cops by 11 anyway, so maybe a lame frat or two will come here so my friends and I can go over after midnight and drink all the alcohol they bought to impress people.”

Despite the popularity of the plan, the Campus Planning Department assured The Daily Chapman that there were no imminent plans for any sort of Greek Row, cautioning that such a creation would create all-night parties, student camaraderie, and a convenient campus social center.

Demille Has Orgasmic Hallways

by Privates Investigator Snugglesworth

Recently, many students have been commenting on the unusually pleasurable hallways in the DeMille building. Senior Sally Johanssen gushed, "it's so long and smooth. It just makes me so happy!" Fellow Junior Ellen Fitzington states, "when I ride down it it make me feel so good and I burst forth with emotion at the end of it."

The Daily Chapman has recently determined that these previously unsettling statements are actually in regards to how pleasurable it is to ride a scooter down the smooth tiled floors and not what you (and every other sick bastard) thought they was talking about.

In response to this recent acclaim for the somewhat-dated DeMille hall, the administration issued a statement that DeMille, "is a small and stupid building. We've been looking for a location to put our new Galactic Citizen's Plaza. Students had better hurry up and get their orgasms out soon, so we can tear that shit down just like every other modest building on campus." No word yet as to how students will react to the new Galactic Citizens Plaza, however, many seem excited at the prospect of more balls.

Chapman Students Think Things About Things

by Professor Richard Dingleberry

The Daily Chapman can assert that this article is, in fact, true to the best of our knowledge. Quotations are real and taken from actual students. Names have been changed in some circumstances to protect the reputations of those being quoted (for obvious reasons). This article is staunchly supported by Alexander The Great*.

For most students, getting out of bed every morning to go about the same monotony as the day before is hard enough. But realizing that most of those around can’t create thoughts and opinions much beyond their hangover is even more difficult. However, a surprising Daily Chapman Investigation has shown that an unexpected number of students think things about things.

“I think about shopping,” says sophomore Lauren Rayde. “And how many clothes I need. And what clothes I need depending on the season. And how much money I have or don't have for shopping.”

But is this thinking and opinionating a good thing? Some students think not. In a recent article in The Panther, junior Brianna Davis said, “I support individual choice to do what you want, but a little consideration never hurt anybody.”

However, support for thinking is running rampant across campus. “I think Chapman students who think things are really intelligent,” says junior Anna Roth. “They obviously spend a lot of time considering the issues at hand and weighing their options, without being radically for or against whatever they are thinking about. This way, they succeed in not alienating other students who believe in conflicting topics, thereby maintaining healthy, opinion-free and subject-free conversations with their peers.”

“I feel good about the idea that Chapman students think,” says sophomore Katie Cherry. “Through thinking we are able to form our own opinions about things and take what our teachers give us and make it our own. Thinking is what makes each person different from everybody else, which makes the world a much better place.”

Pro-thought students hope that their thinking will catch on and promote a campus community of thinkers. Sophomore Alex Regal explains, “I feel students who think things about things will help promote other students to think things about things, but its up to the other students to think things about things.”

* - Alexander The Great is, in fact, deceased.

Fifties-style "Retro" Cafeteria Introduces Racial Segregation

by the Resident Beard Specialist

In a controversial decision last Wednesday, Chapman's Restaurant Services Team, "in the interests of historical accuracy," determined to segregate students racially in the "retro"-style dining hall in Argyros Forum.

"It's the 'Retro Café,' is it not?" asked General Manager Fred Parsonicks rhetorically. "The goal of a retro Fifties-style establishment is to be as much like the Fifties as possible. There was racial segregation in the Fifties. Seems like a no-brainer to me."

The decision was met with strong protest from some quarters, including Chapman's Black Student Union, which, according to a recent press release, "condemns in the strongest possible terms the reintroduction of a barbaric and archaic practice. We thought we had put this dark chapter of our history behind us."

Asked for comment, Parsonicks responded, "We have a Black Student Union?"

The measure is not without support among the student population. "Segregation is part of this country's heritage," said Thomas J. Sussex III, president of Chapman Republicans. "If you don't like it, you're a Communist."

"The Fifties' was stupid," opined junior Peace Studies major Marjorie Milliken. "Not only did we have petty apartheid, but also enforced female domesticity, McCarthyism, and the constant threat of nuclear annihilation."

"Those other things sound like good ideas too," replied Sussex.

So far, the measure has been exceedingly easy to enforce, due to the fact that Chapman has so few minority students they can all be seated at one table.

SPACIAL NOOZ BOWLETEEN: Alcohol!!!

By a Nonny Moose

This is the Daily Chapman. We are writers. We like alcohol.

Doti is short. The giant steel ball is expensive.
…and from China. We don’t like communism. Especially when it makes giant steel balls. For Doti. Yeah. We don’t like shady people. We don’t like shady deals. Flannel is communist. I’m missing a shirt. What’s YOUR name? We may have been drinking. But that’s at the heart of THE DAILY CHAPMAN. We love Chapman. That’s why we write about it. Alexa wants our Chief Erotic Officer. We’re not going to get any more articles from him. Even though she’s a lot cooler than he is. He’s hot. Like really hot. I mean. Fuck, you’re looking over my shoulder.

I don’t like communism.

This is the word of the Lord.

Yeah Alcohol!

INSIDER REPORT: Argyros Cafeteria

by Dr. Catastrophe

An anonymous insider on the Argyros kitchen staff has come forward to The Daily Chapman with a shocking revelation: The Argyros Cafeteria has been “fucking with students” for over a decade.

“It started off as just as a little prank” confides the anonymous tipster. “We used to slip in something obviously inedible as a joke, but students kept taking and trusting the decoy, if you stroll around the cafeteria today you notice there’s not one thing edible at all! AT ALL!”.

Examples of inedible concoctions include corn chowder with chicken and any salad special with meat. “When we added in the sushi bar I thought someone would truly have to question what’s going on, I mean come on! Fresh sushi in a cafeteria? Really? You wouldn’t see something like that at a Soup Plantation or Home Town Buffet because of California health food laws”

The inside source went on later to say that every chef whom steps inside the kitchen is a four-star chef, and that every member creates a lower-class Mexican immigrant character “for kicks”. When the Daily Chapman questioned head chef of the kitchen in an interview last Thursday to conclude in the statements were true, his response was “¿Que?” followed by the rebuttal “No hablo espanol. ¿Desea un administrador?”

Brett Favre Signs Deal With Chapman

by Captain Sex

In a press conference on Friday, quarterback Brett Favre announced that he would be joining the Chapman University football team in the fall, and would start training with them as early as May. This came after the MVP of Super Bowl: Never Never Land Edition announced his retirement from professional football… again. “I just can’t stay away. I love this game too much,” Favre said.

The Panthers’ head coach Bob Owens was unsure about Favre joining the team at first, but said he might be willing to let him work his way up in the ranks. “I don’t care what he’s done in the past. He will have to prove that he can hang with the Panther Pack,” Owens stated. The “panther pack” is apparently the coaching staff’s moniker for their team, and the former Green Bay Packer will be just a “cub” when he arrives in Orange. Give him some time, however, says University President Jim Doti – “We just picked up a bright new talent. I can see this young man going very far in his career.”

The Panthers are coming off last season with a dominating record (5-4) but believe that, with a little focus, Favre could be a dynamic force on Wilson Field. “I’m afraid he might just not be used to the quick pace of the college game,” said Owens. Favre says he isn’t too threatened by the Panther’s impressive record – “I’m Brett fucking Favre,” was actually his only statement on that subject.

When asked why he was choosing to make his second comeback at the amateur level with the panthers, the 18-year veteran of the National Football League answered simply by saying “Aw come on guys, Carolina didn’t do that bad last season.”

Trustee Donates Funds for Golden Toilet

by Jose G. Oliveros, the Mexican Wrestler/Journalist/Part-Time Pastry Chef

Jim Doti announced today in a campus-wide memorandum that the board of trustees has donated two million dollars to Chapman University to build the James L. Doti golden commode "in appreciation for his service to the distinguished academy of Chapman University."

Doti, upon hearing the news, was thrilled. "I have given my life to this school and want nothing more that to see its students succeed," said Doti as he examined his luxury sedans, contemplating which one to drive to work. "I mean, I have devoted so much of my time to the running of this school that I haven't had time to go and get a new sports-car."

The Golden Commode of Honour will be installed this April, an event that has many of the faculty excited.

"I'm really glad people have begun to recognise how great Doti's dedication to this school is," claimed Craig Peters, Associate Professor of Economics. "I mean, sure, my office is actually a broom closet, but I don't give as much to the school as he does."

The Daily Chapman approves of the Trustee's decision and prays for Doti's goodwill so that they may one day peer at the Golden Commode of Honour.

Beloved Actor Aids Visual Storytelling Students

by She Who "Publicizes" Your "Relations"

When Chris Casperson, a freshman PR & Advertising major, registered for his Visual Storytelling class, he was concerned that his lack of experience in the film world would hurt his GPA. He didn’t know the first thing about camera work, script writing, direction or sound. When veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson stepped in, Casperson was relieved to find that none of that mattered when it came to determining his grade.

Eric Hutton, Casperson’s professor for Intro to Visual Storytelling, could only respond with awe when the young PR major presented his first assignment. The structure for the first student film was, “a portrait of a location or a portrait of a character through action.”

“When I saw the wonder that is Samuel L. Jackson on the screen, it didn’t really matter that Eric had shot the movie in a basement. The cardboard signs that had the words ‘Les Deux’ written in sharpie were automatically more convincing and the on- and off- clicking of the flashlight really put me into the nightclub feel,” Hutton said.

Casperson chose to reenact Jackson’s famous scene from the cinematic classic, “Snakes on a Plane,” but with his own personal spin. Casperson relocated the scene to a famous L.A. night club and changed the script to Jackson saying, “I’m tired of these mother-fucking snakes in this mother-fucking night club!”

Jackson became involved with the project through his advertisements, found on the Knotts Studio corkboards. The ads, placed by Jackson’s agent, were targeted at the student film makers. Some students, however, chose not to take advantage of this opportunity to work with a professional actor and spoke poorly of the seasoned thespian.

“Have you SEEN ‘The Spirit?’” Zach Harring, a senior Film Production major, said. “It was terrible. No wonder the guy is going after student projects. I wouldn’t cast him in a senior thesis, let alone a big-budget Hollywood film, and quite frankly, it’s just sad that poor PR kid put him in his visual storytelling project. I mean really.”

Jackson’s publicist and agent were unavailable for comment. Hutton’s employment as an instructor at Dodge College was terminated shortly after his interview was conducted, as he was found to be a closet heroin addict.

Family Ignored Demands Tax

by The Resident Womanizer

Of the five dorm buildings at Chapman University, only one building is named after two families. That building is Pralle-Sodaro Hall. The students at Chapman University are commonly acquainted with this building and refer to it by it's slang names, "That Building" or "Pralle." Although clearly labeled and part of the official name of the building, students rebelliously omit the Sodaro name when referring to the building.

When the Sodaro family asked the administration about the condition of "their" building, no one was able to give them any information, because no one knew what the bloody hell they were talking about. They eventually came to realize that their unpopular idea for a card and keypad lock resulted in their name being listed second in the conjoined title. After discovering their lack of prestigious honor, the Sodaro family was furious and demanded immediate action.

In accordance with the Sodaro family's wishes, Chapman University plans to set aside $6 million for the purpose of installing hi definition, color security cameras all throughout the campus and heavily tax any student who refers to the building as "Pralle" following the instating of the rule this Monday at midnight. The first offense will cost $1,000 and each additional offense will cost $1,500. Sharing is no longer caring. It is unfair and un-American.

This is the word of the Lord.

Your Roommate Is A Douche

by Resident Alcoholic C. Ted Tobier

According to a recent campus-wide survey, your roommate is an all-American douche nozzle. “I used to love to go visit you,” said your friend Greg. “But your roommate is just so douchey that I avoid your room at all cost. That’s the real reason we haven’t been hanging out. I’m sorry, man.”

And apparently, Greg isn’t the only one. Statistics show that the number of your friends that have entered your room has decreased by over 85% in the last semester, while the number of your roommate’s douche bag friends that enter has nearly quintupled. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with that douche bag, much less live with him,” said that girl in your English class. “He just radiates douche.”

Sources tell the The Daily Chapman that in spite of recent claims, you still refuse to move because you think it would be too much work. Few sympathize with you, so much so that you should expect to be named “Laziest Person Alive” in our next survey. Good riddance.

Lastinger Spotlights Make Extra-Terrestrial Contact

by Senior Linear Undergraduate Theorist A. Ambrose

Chapman University shareholders were dumbfounded Sunday morning after they discovered a new function for their Lastinger Athletics Complex: communication with intelligent life-forms in space. The scientific community has been in an uproar since first contact late Saturday night, when the highly concentrated beams of light shooting from Lastinger’s cutting-edge spotlights reached all the way to the cosmos, and offered a beacon to a troupe of space-faring alien humanoids. The extra-terrestrials landed on the university’s new pool, which immediately crystallized into a previously unknown solid mineral element, providing a meeting site for the aliens and Chapman’s maintenance staff.

Initial contact seemed successful, and prospects of a friendly alliance between the incredibly advanced race and Humanity seemed good. According to Chapman University sanitary technician Luis Ortega, “They seemed like pretty cool guys. They had a lot to say, I was very interested.” Co-worker Katia Gomez added, “I had been having really bad ankle pain, and as soon as they looked at me, it went away.”

Luckily, Chapman Public Safety quickly arrived on the scene, and made second contact with the otherworldly visitors, asking the aliens “what they thought they were up to,” and if they “had a guest parking permit.” Two officers inspected the alien vehicle for marijuana or open containers of alcohol. Public Safety officer Stan Fitzgerald states, “Chapman is proud to be a politically and socially conscious university. We always ensure that the legal statues of Chapman, Orange, and the state of California are upheld first, regardless of the violator’s ethnicity.” Onlookers, including a small group of Cypress street gang members, all described the scenario as “tense” and “awkward.”

Soon after, three faculty members arrived on the scene, and engaged the aliens in what would be the night’s third and final contact. There are no transcripts of the discussion, only witness reports of the faculty members handing the galactic visitors a copy of Chapman’s 2008-2009 undergraduate catalog. Immediately after, the space travelers re-entered their vehicle and exited our atmosphere. Witnesses were left confounded after receiving one last statement from the aliens, heard in perfect colloquial English as well as several dialects of Spanish depending on the onlooker’s native tongue: “So, your planet doesn’t really have many good majors. We’ve decided to come back in a century or something, and see how you guys are then.”

The enlightened beings proceeded to exit the Lastinger complex, as well as the planet Earth, dooming humanity to another thousand years in the dark shadow of ignorance. Chapman University officials have stated to the media that the remaining solid matter in the damaged pool, a never-before-seen inorganic material deemed by the scientific community to be of incalculable humanitarian value, will be cleaned away and disposed of immediately, utilizing a new eco-friendly “68% Green” sterilization technique paid for with university tuition dollars. Rumors of a new fountain in honor of the groundbreaking Lastinger spotlights have yet to be verified.