By Dr. Catastrophe
After four years of being averagely studious and mildly sociable, newly graduated Chapman University alumni Alan Jackson, 21, has peaked intellectually.
“I can make references to Keats and Brecht now!” said Jackson in an interview last Thursday. “I have no idea who either of those men are, but I do know the appropriate time to bring them up in an expostulation -- oh sorry, that’s another word for argument!” Jackson went on to say how we probably didn’t understand his big, difficult words and that he picked up the vernacular after taking a very “operose” Modern African History course.
Intelligence hasn’t been an easy thing to accomplish. Jackson has been working mildly hard for the past four years making himself slowly accumulate "smart" every year, by about twenty-five thousand dollars of "smart" annually -- though that variable number has slightly increased every year since he started school. “That’s a lot of smart! I’m so proud!” expressed the boy's mother, Claudia Jackson. “One year of education would be like buying a new car, so that means my son is as smart as four Volvos!”
Jackson’s priced intelligence has been so evident that close friends have started to picked up on it. “When we used to drink, [Jackson] had this horrible problem of chuggin’ too much cheap-rum-shit too damn fast before throwing up on my couch,” said Michael Woltz, a long time fraternity brother of Jackson. “Now he always carries a plastic bag in case he hurls. He is a brilliant man of our time.”
It is also here noted that Jackson is much smarter than students with scholarships who he deemed “feeble minded” and “motherfuckers”.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Chapman Students Given Shitty Movie Tickets
by the Unpaid Intern
Spring is in the air, and it's the season for Chapman students to see shitty movies for free. On the intersection of Center and Walnut, tickets to see free advanced screenings of shitty movies are being handed out.
As students pass by, the man or woman promises a free movie, and hands a golden ticket to each student.
"Chapman is amazing for this," said Shit Tix Inc. President Mary Vasquez. "Students love seeing shitty movies here. The dumbest comedies test really well for some reason."
This trend continues the tradition of Chapman students liking terrible things. In other news, Lost In Yonkers screens Thursday night in the Folino Theater at 7:00.
Spring is in the air, and it's the season for Chapman students to see shitty movies for free. On the intersection of Center and Walnut, tickets to see free advanced screenings of shitty movies are being handed out.
As students pass by, the man or woman promises a free movie, and hands a golden ticket to each student.
"Chapman is amazing for this," said Shit Tix Inc. President Mary Vasquez. "Students love seeing shitty movies here. The dumbest comedies test really well for some reason."
This trend continues the tradition of Chapman students liking terrible things. In other news, Lost In Yonkers screens Thursday night in the Folino Theater at 7:00.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
SPECIAL NEWS UPDATE: Daily Chapman Poll
By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot
A recent poll at Chapman University has discovered that 9 out of 10 Chapman students believe that they become cooler by ripping down posters that have been hung up around campus. These numbers have astounded experts in the field.
"We've never seen numbers this high," said Mark Polaris, Ph.D. "Previously, the numbers seemed to be hovering around 6 out of 10 people thinking that ripping down posters made them cool. I have seen no concrete reason for the sudden surge in the numbers this year." Jason Burkman, on the other hand, thinks he can pinpoint the exact cause.
"Pancakes," said Jason Burkman. "Yeah, I've got a pancake breakfast coming up this Thursday* and I would put up posters, but I'm pretty sure they'd be torn down just like your Daily Chapman posters were. Oh wait, you wanted to know why people tear posters down? Because they're fucking douchebags, that's why."
Another recent poll at Chapman suggests that 10 out of 10 Hipster Film Students Still Harbor the Outdated Belief That Smoking Makes You Cool. Experts fear that people could connect the dots and realize that if smoking makes you cool, and tearing down posters makes you cool, then why take the trouble to tear down posters and throw them out when you could just burn them.**
[Factual Editors Note: Have you dreamed of being published on the Daily Chapman? Have you dreamed of winning a contest? You can potentially do both, if you submit an article in the style of the Daily Chapman by this Thursday, 6:30 PM. Submit to "writetothedeath@dailychapman.com", come to Henley Basement for free pizza, and we'll announce the winner! Winner gets published on the site, as well as a special prize. A few honorable mentions will also be published, if they're lucky bastards.]
* There is no Pancake Breakfast this Thursday.
** The Daily Chapman in no way condones burning posters.
A recent poll at Chapman University has discovered that 9 out of 10 Chapman students believe that they become cooler by ripping down posters that have been hung up around campus. These numbers have astounded experts in the field.
"We've never seen numbers this high," said Mark Polaris, Ph.D. "Previously, the numbers seemed to be hovering around 6 out of 10 people thinking that ripping down posters made them cool. I have seen no concrete reason for the sudden surge in the numbers this year." Jason Burkman, on the other hand, thinks he can pinpoint the exact cause.
"Pancakes," said Jason Burkman. "Yeah, I've got a pancake breakfast coming up this Thursday* and I would put up posters, but I'm pretty sure they'd be torn down just like your Daily Chapman posters were. Oh wait, you wanted to know why people tear posters down? Because they're fucking douchebags, that's why."
Another recent poll at Chapman suggests that 10 out of 10 Hipster Film Students Still Harbor the Outdated Belief That Smoking Makes You Cool. Experts fear that people could connect the dots and realize that if smoking makes you cool, and tearing down posters makes you cool, then why take the trouble to tear down posters and throw them out when you could just burn them.**
[Factual Editors Note: Have you dreamed of being published on the Daily Chapman? Have you dreamed of winning a contest? You can potentially do both, if you submit an article in the style of the Daily Chapman by this Thursday, 6:30 PM. Submit to "writetothedeath@dailychapman.com", come to Henley Basement for free pizza, and we'll announce the winner! Winner gets published on the site, as well as a special prize. A few honorable mentions will also be published, if they're lucky bastards.]
* There is no Pancake Breakfast this Thursday.
** The Daily Chapman in no way condones burning posters.
OBITUARY: Lonely Island Quotes, 4
DIED – On February 5th, 2009, Lonely Island Quotes passed away after facing a long battle with an infection first documented in late December 2005. Lonely Island Quotes first graced us after the production of “Lazy Sunday” and initially the quotes helped draw attention back to its struggling stepfather Mr. SNL. The infection that was slowly tainting the health and originality of the Lonely Island Quotes was simply titled “douche.” Douches infecting the quotes with repetitive doucheitis caused the infection to spread rapidly around the occurrence of “Dick in a Box.” At this phase the viral infection of douche evolved and adapted the new trait of “being cool.” The douche then became dependant on the Lonely Island Quotes, and lost originality of their own, for fear of not being accepted by the other douche viral cells. Lonely Island Quotes’ health was falling fast, and then dipped into a fever induced coma at the release of “Jizz in my Pants” before finally having it’s plug pulled on February 5th, 2009, a few days after the release of “I’m on a Boat.” Society can simply hope the infection of douche doesn’t spread to other original and comedic ideas.
Services will be held this afternoon…On a boat.
~Written by The Local Supervillain
Services will be held this afternoon…On a boat.
~Written by The Local Supervillain
Monday, April 27, 2009
Booze Spilled Kills Three At Frat Party
By Franz Kafka’s Underappreciated Younger Brother
Three Chapman students were killed and dozens more were injured in a freak accident at a frat party thrown by the Chapman chapter of the Delta Beta fraternity, resulting in several gallons of Jungle Juice and an entire cooler full of unopened beers being spilled. Witnesses say that four barrels of poorly perched alcohol became dislodged and fell on students. The cause of the incident is still not known.
“Damn it!” shouted Delta Beta member, Rodney Goldstein, watching the alcohol seeping into the grass in the backyard, where nobody would ever be able to drink it. “I paid, like, thirty bucks for that beer!”
Some have said that the accident was caused by a late lunch and several flashlights, but these accusations are unsubstantiated. The members of Delta Beta called an ambulance and, after the dead and injured were removed from the premises, bravely tried to continue the party, despite the severe lack of booze.
“Man, this party is totally lame,” said party-goer Sandra Peterson. “Like, where is all the beer?”
A planned tournament of Beer Pong had to be cancelled and most members left, bewailing the terrible loss of alcohol. The Delta Beta fraternity, in response to the loss of booze, announced plans to hold a vigil for the lost alcohol, in which several 30-packs of Coors Light will be consumed in mourning.
More as this develops.
Three Chapman students were killed and dozens more were injured in a freak accident at a frat party thrown by the Chapman chapter of the Delta Beta fraternity, resulting in several gallons of Jungle Juice and an entire cooler full of unopened beers being spilled. Witnesses say that four barrels of poorly perched alcohol became dislodged and fell on students. The cause of the incident is still not known.
“Damn it!” shouted Delta Beta member, Rodney Goldstein, watching the alcohol seeping into the grass in the backyard, where nobody would ever be able to drink it. “I paid, like, thirty bucks for that beer!”
Some have said that the accident was caused by a late lunch and several flashlights, but these accusations are unsubstantiated. The members of Delta Beta called an ambulance and, after the dead and injured were removed from the premises, bravely tried to continue the party, despite the severe lack of booze.
“Man, this party is totally lame,” said party-goer Sandra Peterson. “Like, where is all the beer?”
A planned tournament of Beer Pong had to be cancelled and most members left, bewailing the terrible loss of alcohol. The Delta Beta fraternity, in response to the loss of booze, announced plans to hold a vigil for the lost alcohol, in which several 30-packs of Coors Light will be consumed in mourning.
More as this develops.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
University Declares State of Emergency
by Several Bilingual Parrots and a Crazed Toucan
After what's been called the saddest weekend since that one where you got all of that homework done, President Doti announced that the university is now in, "a state of emergency." Prospective students, visiting for some Discover Chapman something or other that no one thought to inform the students of, left Chapman feeling very despondent and misguided. "Our student body has done a great disservice to our university's future and economic stability," said Doti. "I only hope annoying as shit fliers and postcards will help change these students minds, otherwise nobody is going to come here."
What exactly is Doti referring to? Daily Chapman investigators found that alcoholic parties fell to a low for the semester this weekend as everyone tried their damnedest to avoid that douche bag Steve, while the number of wake and bakes per capita reached an overwhelming 24% on Saturday alone. "Everyone was high and then they woke up, walked outside their room to find all of these strange people," said freshman Franco Simonson. "When you're that high, you can't help but shout, 'Fuck! I am too high for all of these people'."
"It was revolting," said Parent Michele Pleckton. "I had no idea a student body could be that careless and disrespectful. I must've heard how 'high' or 'hung over' someone was four or five times a minute. Disgusting! I will never send my child here!"
"I had always heard Chapman was a party school," said prospective student Andy Belkin. "I must've asked forty different people and no one knew of a good party. I'm going to college to drink and Chapman really doesn't seem like the place for that."
No word yet as to how the administration is going to respond to this crisis, but talks have already begun to ensure that Chapman's alcohol budget is raised in the coming weeks. "We must hold fast to our core values," said Doti. "Building character, transforming lives and education for a lifetime. What better way to build character than with a forty in your hand?"
After what's been called the saddest weekend since that one where you got all of that homework done, President Doti announced that the university is now in, "a state of emergency." Prospective students, visiting for some Discover Chapman something or other that no one thought to inform the students of, left Chapman feeling very despondent and misguided. "Our student body has done a great disservice to our university's future and economic stability," said Doti. "I only hope annoying as shit fliers and postcards will help change these students minds, otherwise nobody is going to come here."
What exactly is Doti referring to? Daily Chapman investigators found that alcoholic parties fell to a low for the semester this weekend as everyone tried their damnedest to avoid that douche bag Steve, while the number of wake and bakes per capita reached an overwhelming 24% on Saturday alone. "Everyone was high and then they woke up, walked outside their room to find all of these strange people," said freshman Franco Simonson. "When you're that high, you can't help but shout, 'Fuck! I am too high for all of these people'."
"It was revolting," said Parent Michele Pleckton. "I had no idea a student body could be that careless and disrespectful. I must've heard how 'high' or 'hung over' someone was four or five times a minute. Disgusting! I will never send my child here!"
"I had always heard Chapman was a party school," said prospective student Andy Belkin. "I must've asked forty different people and no one knew of a good party. I'm going to college to drink and Chapman really doesn't seem like the place for that."
No word yet as to how the administration is going to respond to this crisis, but talks have already begun to ensure that Chapman's alcohol budget is raised in the coming weeks. "We must hold fast to our core values," said Doti. "Building character, transforming lives and education for a lifetime. What better way to build character than with a forty in your hand?"
Saturday, April 25, 2009
EXTREME WEATHER WARNING: Memorial Lawn
By Foreign Food Correspondent Johnny Tonka
Residents of Chapman University are advised to stay away from the area immediately on MEMORIAL LAWN as large clouds of giddy and/or nauseating fraternity and sorority members have been spotted in the immediate vicinity. While so far the clouds have remained relatively tame, meteorologists have cautioned that these clouds are unpredictable and could at any moment combine to create a Greek Life Storm. Conditions have the potential to surpass the Greek Life Storm of the Fall of 2007, which resulted in eight topless women, one thousand drunken students, and three fist-fights.
Wait, did I say avoid Memorial Lawn?
Residents of Chapman University are advised to stay away from the area immediately on MEMORIAL LAWN as large clouds of giddy and/or nauseating fraternity and sorority members have been spotted in the immediate vicinity. While so far the clouds have remained relatively tame, meteorologists have cautioned that these clouds are unpredictable and could at any moment combine to create a Greek Life Storm. Conditions have the potential to surpass the Greek Life Storm of the Fall of 2007, which resulted in eight topless women, one thousand drunken students, and three fist-fights.
Wait, did I say avoid Memorial Lawn?
Chapman Stops Fucking Up Shit
by Director of Investigation and Healthy Living Dr. Snugglesworth
Note: The opinions, commentaries and views expressed in the following article are those of its respective author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain. The Daily Chapman is organized on a system of public submission and the majority of authors' work is not altered from its original form, except in corrections of spelling and grammar. We thank you for your understanding.
In an unprecedented move, the administration announced yesterday that they were going to stop, "acting like children and get their shit together before they fuck up more shit." This plan has apparently been on the books for a while but the administration never got to it because they had been "busy".
Daily Chapman Investigative Teams managed to ransack Memorial Hall and get an early copy of a speech that President Doti will give next week on the matter. It begins by apologizing that Chapman was "pissing money away on useless fountains and plazas that nobody cares about. Heck, the medal that we gave to Mr. Powell last month cost, like, $12,000 to smelt." He goes on to call the board of trustees "f-tards" and "hobos" who would rather spend millions on campus beautification than "helping out all those poor losers who can't afford to come here." Doti then suspiciously states that he was originally against the new plaza, but after some coaxing he was finally convinced it was a good idea. (Reports say that "coaxing" involved one or more Hawaiian vacations and a set of silk floor mats for his Porsche).
Additional plans include serving "pleasantly delightful" food in the cafeteria, removing the speed-bumps from all the parking garages, and eliminating Public Safety "because we all know they're useless anyway."
This news has caused shock waves to ripple through the student body. Sophomore Jimmy Smittyjohanssenburg was only able to say "...no way...holy shizz, that's awesome...you're not fucking with me, are you?" Senior Laura Bushburg replied simply by fainting. And in one of the more disturbing sights any person has ever witnessed, Librarian Ella Geraldfitzs stripped off all her clothes and ran through campus screaming, "Hallelujah! Praise to the Almighty!"
Unfortunately, this news does have one other unexpected negative effect. Because Chapman is now awesome and shit is no longer fucked, the Daily Chapman must close its doors. With no more stupid shit to make fun of, we no longer have a purpose. We thank all of our fans for the ride of our lives.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Note: The opinions, commentaries and views expressed in the following article are those of its respective author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain. The Daily Chapman is organized on a system of public submission and the majority of authors' work is not altered from its original form, except in corrections of spelling and grammar. We thank you for your understanding.
In an unprecedented move, the administration announced yesterday that they were going to stop, "acting like children and get their shit together before they fuck up more shit." This plan has apparently been on the books for a while but the administration never got to it because they had been "busy".
Daily Chapman Investigative Teams managed to ransack Memorial Hall and get an early copy of a speech that President Doti will give next week on the matter. It begins by apologizing that Chapman was "pissing money away on useless fountains and plazas that nobody cares about. Heck, the medal that we gave to Mr. Powell last month cost, like, $12,000 to smelt." He goes on to call the board of trustees "f-tards" and "hobos" who would rather spend millions on campus beautification than "helping out all those poor losers who can't afford to come here." Doti then suspiciously states that he was originally against the new plaza, but after some coaxing he was finally convinced it was a good idea. (Reports say that "coaxing" involved one or more Hawaiian vacations and a set of silk floor mats for his Porsche).
Additional plans include serving "pleasantly delightful" food in the cafeteria, removing the speed-bumps from all the parking garages, and eliminating Public Safety "because we all know they're useless anyway."
This news has caused shock waves to ripple through the student body. Sophomore Jimmy Smittyjohanssenburg was only able to say "...no way...holy shizz, that's awesome...you're not fucking with me, are you?" Senior Laura Bushburg replied simply by fainting. And in one of the more disturbing sights any person has ever witnessed, Librarian Ella Geraldfitzs stripped off all her clothes and ran through campus screaming, "Hallelujah! Praise to the Almighty!"
Unfortunately, this news does have one other unexpected negative effect. Because Chapman is now awesome and shit is no longer fucked, the Daily Chapman must close its doors. With no more stupid shit to make fun of, we no longer have a purpose. We thank all of our fans for the ride of our lives.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Friday, April 24, 2009
OPINION: Daily Chapman Needs More Sarcasm
Submitted to The Daily Chapman by Reader Herbert S. Fine
It’s hardly a matter of opinion that all of the staff members at the Daily Chapman are incorrigible narcissists who got As on all of their eighth grade English papers. More subtle perhaps but equally grating is each one’s frankly pedestrian tendency to report only on literal events, leaving the reader no choice but to be subjected to actual, unmodified news, rather than humorous journalistic satire. It’s become a problem that readers must be sharply aware of, as time and again they visit the Daily Chapman seeking April Fool’s light-heartedness, but instead are affronted by realistic reports of Editor-In-Chief Alan Wortwick’s arrest and the Daily Chapman’s recent demise.
What originally was only a mildly annoying fault has now become an outright festering boil on the face of this organization, with recent articles highlighting with factual clarity the recent fashion protest at the John Yoo debate, honestly examining the Panther Buck (CPB) inflation crisis, and accurately reporting Alan Wortwick’s demented late-night rampage which culminated in the violent shooting and hammer-maiming of Dayton Anderson, editor-in-chief of the highly popular Nightly Chapman satirical news blog.
Even more confusing is the occasionally thrown-in fictional article, such as the obviously fabricated piece on the conviction over a stolen ketchup bottle (what kind of fucking university would really do that?) or the ridiculous manifesto published a month back concerning some sort of thing that supposedly happened with a big ball and Colin Powell. How over-the-top do we need to be here? We need high-quality satire, not fairy tales about Jim Doti hosting some mystery event in an enchanted forest of giant steel poles.
The point is: we need more sarcasm. Let’s get on it, Daily Chapman staff. Stop being so goddamned factual all the time and get to the heart of what Chapman students value: unconditional criticism thinly veiled by a curtain of witty beer jokes.
Blood. Blood. Blood.
-Herbert S. Fine
It’s hardly a matter of opinion that all of the staff members at the Daily Chapman are incorrigible narcissists who got As on all of their eighth grade English papers. More subtle perhaps but equally grating is each one’s frankly pedestrian tendency to report only on literal events, leaving the reader no choice but to be subjected to actual, unmodified news, rather than humorous journalistic satire. It’s become a problem that readers must be sharply aware of, as time and again they visit the Daily Chapman seeking April Fool’s light-heartedness, but instead are affronted by realistic reports of Editor-In-Chief Alan Wortwick’s arrest and the Daily Chapman’s recent demise.What originally was only a mildly annoying fault has now become an outright festering boil on the face of this organization, with recent articles highlighting with factual clarity the recent fashion protest at the John Yoo debate, honestly examining the Panther Buck (CPB) inflation crisis, and accurately reporting Alan Wortwick’s demented late-night rampage which culminated in the violent shooting and hammer-maiming of Dayton Anderson, editor-in-chief of the highly popular Nightly Chapman satirical news blog.
Even more confusing is the occasionally thrown-in fictional article, such as the obviously fabricated piece on the conviction over a stolen ketchup bottle (what kind of fucking university would really do that?) or the ridiculous manifesto published a month back concerning some sort of thing that supposedly happened with a big ball and Colin Powell. How over-the-top do we need to be here? We need high-quality satire, not fairy tales about Jim Doti hosting some mystery event in an enchanted forest of giant steel poles.
The point is: we need more sarcasm. Let’s get on it, Daily Chapman staff. Stop being so goddamned factual all the time and get to the heart of what Chapman students value: unconditional criticism thinly veiled by a curtain of witty beer jokes.
Blood. Blood. Blood.
-Herbert S. Fine
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Beer Pong Championship
By Sports Correspondant Scott Beedledee
That's it, folks. The Chapman Beer Pong Player's Association's official season is over, ending last night in a seedy garage on Lemon Street. Who came out on top this year? The answer may surprise you.
Or maybe not! That's right; The Irish Frathounds won the league championship for the ninth year running. Facing off against the equally talented Bro Crew, the match was an intense and fast-paced spectacle of binge drinking and debauchery.
The Irish Frathounds sent two of their best players to the competition: Sonny McCall and Devin Carney. On the other side of the table stood Brogan Smitley and Mark Brosius. McCall led off with a great arc shot, and the game was all downhill from there for the Bro Crew. Though Brogan Smitley had quite a few good shots, Mark Brosius seemed to have trouble focusing. Sources close to the player insist that this was not from lack of skill, but from the large amounts of Smirnoff he downed prior to competing.
Brosius redeemed himself somewhat when he snagged a girl who was walking past and ended up making out on the table for eleven minutes and thirty-three seconds. The bold move was awarded ten points by John Dougly, one of the onlookers. Brosius also received three high fives and sixty cents for his brave actions.
The Irish Frathounds won the match while they still had five out of their original ten cups left on the table. We interviewed the teammates after the game:
Daily Chapman (DC): How does it feel to win the CBPPA championship?
McCall: Actually we're kind of disappointed.
DC: Oh? Why is that?
Carney: What kind of stupid game lets the other team get drunk while you watch? Fuck this shit. I'm retiring, right now. Consider me done with the game.
McCall: Me too. Get me a fucking drink and a girl. I'm still completely sober.
So there you have it, people: McCall and Carney. They are truly two heroes of the sport.
Think you have what it takes to join the CBPPA? Too bad.
That's it, folks. The Chapman Beer Pong Player's Association's official season is over, ending last night in a seedy garage on Lemon Street. Who came out on top this year? The answer may surprise you.
Or maybe not! That's right; The Irish Frathounds won the league championship for the ninth year running. Facing off against the equally talented Bro Crew, the match was an intense and fast-paced spectacle of binge drinking and debauchery.The Irish Frathounds sent two of their best players to the competition: Sonny McCall and Devin Carney. On the other side of the table stood Brogan Smitley and Mark Brosius. McCall led off with a great arc shot, and the game was all downhill from there for the Bro Crew. Though Brogan Smitley had quite a few good shots, Mark Brosius seemed to have trouble focusing. Sources close to the player insist that this was not from lack of skill, but from the large amounts of Smirnoff he downed prior to competing.
Brosius redeemed himself somewhat when he snagged a girl who was walking past and ended up making out on the table for eleven minutes and thirty-three seconds. The bold move was awarded ten points by John Dougly, one of the onlookers. Brosius also received three high fives and sixty cents for his brave actions.
The Irish Frathounds won the match while they still had five out of their original ten cups left on the table. We interviewed the teammates after the game:
Daily Chapman (DC): How does it feel to win the CBPPA championship?
McCall: Actually we're kind of disappointed.
DC: Oh? Why is that?
Carney: What kind of stupid game lets the other team get drunk while you watch? Fuck this shit. I'm retiring, right now. Consider me done with the game.
McCall: Me too. Get me a fucking drink and a girl. I'm still completely sober.
So there you have it, people: McCall and Carney. They are truly two heroes of the sport.
Think you have what it takes to join the CBPPA? Too bad.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Community Members Protest Lack of Fashion at Chapman
by the Unpaid Intern
On Tuesday, two members of the Orange community stood in front of Memorial Hall -- the location of the John Yoo debate on the power of the government in a crisis -- dressed in orange jumpsuits with black bags over their heads.
"They just like, stood there," said Laura Martin, a Sophomore communications major. "It was beautiful."
The two did not comment to The Daily Chapman on what they were protesting when asked, but Daily Chapman investigators quickly came to a conclusion. They were protesting a general lack of orange worn on Chapman students, with the black hoods to show that it really applies to everyone.
"I think it's a very deep message. I'm inspired. I'll wear orange tomorrow to show that I support them!" said Tim Mason, a Junior Film Production major. "Everyone needs more color in their lives."
On Tuesday, two members of the Orange community stood in front of Memorial Hall -- the location of the John Yoo debate on the power of the government in a crisis -- dressed in orange jumpsuits with black bags over their heads.
"They just like, stood there," said Laura Martin, a Sophomore communications major. "It was beautiful."
The two did not comment to The Daily Chapman on what they were protesting when asked, but Daily Chapman investigators quickly came to a conclusion. They were protesting a general lack of orange worn on Chapman students, with the black hoods to show that it really applies to everyone.
"I think it's a very deep message. I'm inspired. I'll wear orange tomorrow to show that I support them!" said Tim Mason, a Junior Film Production major. "Everyone needs more color in their lives."
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Something Happened Yesterday
by Resident Nut Expert Jack Daniels, Ph.D
"Something happened yesterday and nobody fucking knew about it," said a disgruntled employee in the campus calendaring office. "Fucking apathetic students."
Sources tell The Daily Chapman that at around 11 a.m. yesterday some event happened and that no students were in attendance. "It's national marijuana day," said one student. "What do you expect?"
Although press passes were prepared to said event, no press were in attendance either. "For The Daily Chapman / Panther Newspaper Alliance, this is the holiest day of the year," said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick. "We weren't going anywhere."
In spite of student pleas to finally give it up already, the staff is expected to organize some stupid guest speaker event thing some time next week. All of the students in attendance at yesterday's stupid shit are expected to appear. In addition, there's a possibility for a nearly 200% increase in attendance.
...those poor bastards...
"Something happened yesterday and nobody fucking knew about it," said a disgruntled employee in the campus calendaring office. "Fucking apathetic students."
Sources tell The Daily Chapman that at around 11 a.m. yesterday some event happened and that no students were in attendance. "It's national marijuana day," said one student. "What do you expect?"
Although press passes were prepared to said event, no press were in attendance either. "For The Daily Chapman / Panther Newspaper Alliance, this is the holiest day of the year," said Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick. "We weren't going anywhere."
In spite of student pleas to finally give it up already, the staff is expected to organize some stupid guest speaker event thing some time next week. All of the students in attendance at yesterday's stupid shit are expected to appear. In addition, there's a possibility for a nearly 200% increase in attendance.
...those poor bastards...
Monday, April 20, 2009
Panther Buck Faltering in Global Economy
Breaking story by First Premier Konrad Von Schmoot
When markets closed on Friday, they closed on a disappointing note. The Panther Buck (CPB), once thought to be untouchable by global market strain, has begun to show the first signs of problems.
In October of 2008, the exchange rate of Panther Bucks to Balostani Crimples (BTC) was 1:314,159. As the global markets began to fail, people who held on to their Panther Bucks were rewarded with higher exchange rates. By January of 2009, Panther Bucks were trading on the global market at 1:1,400,865,378,129 Faloozian Pancakes (FZP). However, in the past two weeks rates have fallen drastically, dipping to trade even below the worth of the Wonkaville Schnozberry (WSB).
We went to Atallah Piazza to question some of the traders there. Said John Trimbull, a sophomore at Chapman: "Yeah, I saw the crash coming a long time ago. In February, right before the crash, I traded in all of my Panther Bucks for Peach Rings and Frozen Burritos. They're a more stable investment than Panther Bucks." [As of this article's writing, a bag of Peach Rings (BPR) was trading for 2.34 Panther Bucks, while Frozen Burritos (FZB) were standing steady at 1.47]
An anonymous source close to the administration had a different take on the Panther Buck's fall. "It's not our fault that the Panther Buck crashed. It's the fault of all those kids in the residence halls with their subprime mortgages!"
Word came on Monday, April 20, 2009 that Jim Doti would be providing an Administrative Bailout. The full-ride scholarships of 13.6 students will be diverted instead to subsidize the Panther Buck service and banking industry on campus, which includes Sky Ranch Grill (SRG), Pantera's (PNT) and Salsa Rico (SR).
Most economists at the Argryos School of Business are mildly concerned or apathetic towards Jim Doti's plan for the administrative bailout.
Others, such as John Allensby, are outraged. Some are already calling this "the largest financial bungle since Doti's steel ball." Says Allensby, "This is a gross misuse of Administrative funding provided by the one and only University Advancement. There's no proof that pumping more Panther Bucks into these financially insoluble companies will do them any good. They should just declare bankruptcy and hope for the best – not waste the hard-earned money of over-privileged, arrogant students like me."
More on this as it develops.
When markets closed on Friday, they closed on a disappointing note. The Panther Buck (CPB), once thought to be untouchable by global market strain, has begun to show the first signs of problems.
In October of 2008, the exchange rate of Panther Bucks to Balostani Crimples (BTC) was 1:314,159. As the global markets began to fail, people who held on to their Panther Bucks were rewarded with higher exchange rates. By January of 2009, Panther Bucks were trading on the global market at 1:1,400,865,378,129 Faloozian Pancakes (FZP). However, in the past two weeks rates have fallen drastically, dipping to trade even below the worth of the Wonkaville Schnozberry (WSB).
We went to Atallah Piazza to question some of the traders there. Said John Trimbull, a sophomore at Chapman: "Yeah, I saw the crash coming a long time ago. In February, right before the crash, I traded in all of my Panther Bucks for Peach Rings and Frozen Burritos. They're a more stable investment than Panther Bucks." [As of this article's writing, a bag of Peach Rings (BPR) was trading for 2.34 Panther Bucks, while Frozen Burritos (FZB) were standing steady at 1.47]
An anonymous source close to the administration had a different take on the Panther Buck's fall. "It's not our fault that the Panther Buck crashed. It's the fault of all those kids in the residence halls with their subprime mortgages!"
Word came on Monday, April 20, 2009 that Jim Doti would be providing an Administrative Bailout. The full-ride scholarships of 13.6 students will be diverted instead to subsidize the Panther Buck service and banking industry on campus, which includes Sky Ranch Grill (SRG), Pantera's (PNT) and Salsa Rico (SR).
Most economists at the Argryos School of Business are mildly concerned or apathetic towards Jim Doti's plan for the administrative bailout.
Others, such as John Allensby, are outraged. Some are already calling this "the largest financial bungle since Doti's steel ball." Says Allensby, "This is a gross misuse of Administrative funding provided by the one and only University Advancement. There's no proof that pumping more Panther Bucks into these financially insoluble companies will do them any good. They should just declare bankruptcy and hope for the best – not waste the hard-earned money of over-privileged, arrogant students like me."
More on this as it develops.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Cafeteria Ketchup Conviction
by Dr. Snugglesworth
He was the ultimate dark-horse politician, a school board member who murmured about conspiracies, refused to talk with colleagues, wore coal-black sunglasses during night meetings and survived a recall attempt. But former Orange school trustee Steve Rocco may finally have met his match in a half-full bottle of ketchup.
Rocco is being tried for allegedly stealing a 14-ounce Heinz bottle from a dining area outside the cafeteria at Chapman University, a charge he claims is bogus because -- by his calculations -- the ketchup was worthless.
Public defender Erica Gambale simply jingled two quarters and a dime in her palm. "This is it, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Sixty cents," she said, explaining that "at best, half that ketchup was left."
Did he steal the plastic squirt bottle of Heinz from a table at a dining area outside Argyros Forum last September and put it in a paper bag before speeding off on his bicycle? Or did he just take it, thinking it was trash?
Rocco, a 58-year-old unemployed Santa Ana recluse known for espousing shadowy theories about a powerful cabal he calls the Partnership, showed up in a plaid shirt with a black tie, flip-up sunglasses and, affixed to his head, a white bandage the size of a slice of bread.
The jury convicted Steve Rocco. Susan Kang Schroeder, spokeswoman for the Orange County District Attorney's Office, said the jurors arrived at the only conclusion they could, considering the facts of the case. "Our goal all along," Schoeder said, "was to protect Chapman and their property rights."
The District Attorney's Office has said the four-day trial will cost taxpayers thousands of dollars.
The Daily Chapman can assert that, in spite of our strong desires for this material to be original satirical material, that all of it is factual to the best of our knowledge. It has been rewritten using the combined sources of an Orange County Register article by Michael Mello from April 17, 2009 and a Los Angeles Times article by Tony Barboza from April 15, 2009. All copyrighted material is that of its respective author and should in no way be attributed to The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain.
(Seriously, what is this world coming to?)
He was the ultimate dark-horse politician, a school board member who murmured about conspiracies, refused to talk with colleagues, wore coal-black sunglasses during night meetings and survived a recall attempt. But former Orange school trustee Steve Rocco may finally have met his match in a half-full bottle of ketchup.
Rocco is being tried for allegedly stealing a 14-ounce Heinz bottle from a dining area outside the cafeteria at Chapman University, a charge he claims is bogus because -- by his calculations -- the ketchup was worthless.
Public defender Erica Gambale simply jingled two quarters and a dime in her palm. "This is it, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Sixty cents," she said, explaining that "at best, half that ketchup was left."
Did he steal the plastic squirt bottle of Heinz from a table at a dining area outside Argyros Forum last September and put it in a paper bag before speeding off on his bicycle? Or did he just take it, thinking it was trash?
Rocco, a 58-year-old unemployed Santa Ana recluse known for espousing shadowy theories about a powerful cabal he calls the Partnership, showed up in a plaid shirt with a black tie, flip-up sunglasses and, affixed to his head, a white bandage the size of a slice of bread.
The jury convicted Steve Rocco. Susan Kang Schroeder, spokeswoman for the Orange County District Attorney's Office, said the jurors arrived at the only conclusion they could, considering the facts of the case. "Our goal all along," Schoeder said, "was to protect Chapman and their property rights."
The District Attorney's Office has said the four-day trial will cost taxpayers thousands of dollars.
The Daily Chapman can assert that, in spite of our strong desires for this material to be original satirical material, that all of it is factual to the best of our knowledge. It has been rewritten using the combined sources of an Orange County Register article by Michael Mello from April 17, 2009 and a Los Angeles Times article by Tony Barboza from April 15, 2009. All copyrighted material is that of its respective author and should in no way be attributed to The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain.
(Seriously, what is this world coming to?)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Editor-In-Chief of The Nightly Chapman Found Dead
By A Nice Marmot
At approximately 1:25 AM Saturday morning, Orange Police Department reported that Dayton Anderson, Editor-in-Chief of the widely acclaimed Nightly Chapman blog, was found dead in his La Veta Grand Apartment. Police told The Daily Chapman that they have reviewed the body and located over forty-eight bullet holes and expected to find more after they piece back together his terribly mangled body.
Anderson’s neighbors claim to have seen a tall man with dark, brown, semi-curly hair walking around the area with a hammer, chanting, “Blood. Blood. Blood,” at around 10:30 PM Friday night. Shortly after, they heard what sounded like some crashing noises.
“I’ve been really sick of Anderson’s eight-hour long sex sessions,” said Anderson’s neighbor Milton Bradley. “They resonate all over the place. I can’t ever sleep when he’s on the job. There’s a lot of banging involved.”
So far, minimal suspects have been found, however, Orange Police say they wish to detain and question Daily Chapman Editor Alan Wortwick, whom responded promptly by saying, “Blood. Blood. Blood.”
More as this develops.
At approximately 1:25 AM Saturday morning, Orange Police Department reported that Dayton Anderson, Editor-in-Chief of the widely acclaimed Nightly Chapman blog, was found dead in his La Veta Grand Apartment. Police told The Daily Chapman that they have reviewed the body and located over forty-eight bullet holes and expected to find more after they piece back together his terribly mangled body.
Anderson’s neighbors claim to have seen a tall man with dark, brown, semi-curly hair walking around the area with a hammer, chanting, “Blood. Blood. Blood,” at around 10:30 PM Friday night. Shortly after, they heard what sounded like some crashing noises.
“I’ve been really sick of Anderson’s eight-hour long sex sessions,” said Anderson’s neighbor Milton Bradley. “They resonate all over the place. I can’t ever sleep when he’s on the job. There’s a lot of banging involved.”
So far, minimal suspects have been found, however, Orange Police say they wish to detain and question Daily Chapman Editor Alan Wortwick, whom responded promptly by saying, “Blood. Blood. Blood.”
More as this develops.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Science Students Create First Entirely Gay Being
By Dr. Anita Cockenburger
In a laboratory late Thursday night, students Angela Corningstone and Michele Oberlington constructed and animated what has been called the first entirely gay being in existence. The creature is constructed out of the parts of diseased gays as well as multiple genetically engineered gay organs.
“We looked at thousands of individual cells,” said Corningstone. “Each one has been checked and double checked to be 100% homosexual. There is no way that this creature will not be the perfect shopping buddy.”
The creature lurched into existence and, in horror, began to comment on the drabness of the laboratory. “I see this new Gay Frankenstein as a real asset to the campus,” said Lead Aesthetic Officer Michael Angelo. “He knows fashion and beauty; in fact, he’s genetically encoded to know such things.”
Warner Bros Studios has already announced a distribution deal with the Dodge College of Film and Media Arts for a film made on the subject. “We’re really excited about Gay Frankenstein,” said an unnamed executive at Warner Bros. “This’ll be the best and most popular film since The Bride of Frankenstein. I simply cannot wait.”
The film is expected to hit theaters in December of 2010 and cause the third world war. Gay Frankenstein has already established himself as Chapman University’s first-ever Public Fashion Officer. He warns students that they must prepare to be “Fabulous.” He may be seen lurking around Hasinger Science Center, “making things super pretty!” Beware.
In a laboratory late Thursday night, students Angela Corningstone and Michele Oberlington constructed and animated what has been called the first entirely gay being in existence. The creature is constructed out of the parts of diseased gays as well as multiple genetically engineered gay organs.
“We looked at thousands of individual cells,” said Corningstone. “Each one has been checked and double checked to be 100% homosexual. There is no way that this creature will not be the perfect shopping buddy.”
The creature lurched into existence and, in horror, began to comment on the drabness of the laboratory. “I see this new Gay Frankenstein as a real asset to the campus,” said Lead Aesthetic Officer Michael Angelo. “He knows fashion and beauty; in fact, he’s genetically encoded to know such things.”
Warner Bros Studios has already announced a distribution deal with the Dodge College of Film and Media Arts for a film made on the subject. “We’re really excited about Gay Frankenstein,” said an unnamed executive at Warner Bros. “This’ll be the best and most popular film since The Bride of Frankenstein. I simply cannot wait.”
The film is expected to hit theaters in December of 2010 and cause the third world war. Gay Frankenstein has already established himself as Chapman University’s first-ever Public Fashion Officer. He warns students that they must prepare to be “Fabulous.” He may be seen lurking around Hasinger Science Center, “making things super pretty!” Beware.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Chapman Students Promote Homophobe Awareness
By Resident Anal Penetration Expert Maya Dong
As the Day of Silence sweeps across Chapman University today, homophobic, anti-gay assholes are taking a stand to promote their intolerance and douchebaggary. “God hates fags,” said junior Michael Waddems. “I do too. I’m going to talk as loud and as often as I can today.”
“He won’t shut up,” scribbled Michele Blackfield into her notebook. “I wish someone in this damn room could talk so we could tell him to shut the fuck up.”
“It’s almost become ineffective,” said Someguy Whoiforgotthenameof in Student and Campus Life. “There are so many people doing it that all the people who are talking stick out like a sore thumb. It’s more a day of Homophobe Awareness than anything else.”
Chapman students are encouraged to seek out homophobic students and shower them with gay love. Feel free to give a warm embrace or splatter some smooches all over their cold, heartless posterior. Today is a day of love for all students, but not just any love: gay love.
“We cannot have this gay love!” screamed Waddems. “If we have gay love, then we may have gay understanding. If we have gay understanding, then we’ll have gay peace and we cannot afford peace, we are at war!” Waddems was quickly silenced by a kiss from Justin Melbrose, which he later called, “Amazing.”
More as this develops.
As the Day of Silence sweeps across Chapman University today, homophobic, anti-gay assholes are taking a stand to promote their intolerance and douchebaggary. “God hates fags,” said junior Michael Waddems. “I do too. I’m going to talk as loud and as often as I can today.”
“He won’t shut up,” scribbled Michele Blackfield into her notebook. “I wish someone in this damn room could talk so we could tell him to shut the fuck up.”
“It’s almost become ineffective,” said Someguy Whoiforgotthenameof in Student and Campus Life. “There are so many people doing it that all the people who are talking stick out like a sore thumb. It’s more a day of Homophobe Awareness than anything else.”
Chapman students are encouraged to seek out homophobic students and shower them with gay love. Feel free to give a warm embrace or splatter some smooches all over their cold, heartless posterior. Today is a day of love for all students, but not just any love: gay love.
“We cannot have this gay love!” screamed Waddems. “If we have gay love, then we may have gay understanding. If we have gay understanding, then we’ll have gay peace and we cannot afford peace, we are at war!” Waddems was quickly silenced by a kiss from Justin Melbrose, which he later called, “Amazing.”
More as this develops.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Chapman Activists Consider Taking A Stand
by Senior Linear Undergraduate Theorist A. Ambrose
Chapman University’s intimate campus was relatively quiet Tuesday as the school’s collected student activists declared their strong motivation toward a possible public arousal at some time in the future. The statement instigated little to no controversy amongst the faculty or student body.
“We’re really getting serious about making an impact,” student activist Shelly Hampton murmured over her caramel macchiato.
The Daily Chapman’s field reporter inquired further: “What?”
“We’re really getting serious about making an impact,” Hampton repeated, this time fumbling over the word “making” and then adding a “you know” at the end.
The statement was made 9:30 a.m. Tuesday morning in a semi-open off-campus get-together, initially held at Shelly’s aunt’s house before moving to Norm’s, a popular dining venue well within driving distance. At least seven Chapman students were in attendance, although Hampton admits “that one girl may have been from UCI.”
Tuesday’s meeting is one in a number of recent bold moves by socially-conscious students on campus. This semester has seen an array of new, more brightly colored signs on construction paper. April 2nd marked the third and final week of the Chapman Civil Rights Club’s “march for recognition,” which had figuratively marched through several privately owned spaces at least four times during convenient hours, passerby Elias Perez told the Daily Chapman in an impromptu interview.
When asked what he thought of recent developments, Elias responded that he was “really interested to see what happens next.” Upon clarifying that the question was not in regards to the Somali pirate situation, Elias replied, “Oh. What were we talking about?”
Norms was not immediately available for comment. Norms is located on Tustin and Katella, and features new, value-priced breakfast items around the clock.
Chapman University’s intimate campus was relatively quiet Tuesday as the school’s collected student activists declared their strong motivation toward a possible public arousal at some time in the future. The statement instigated little to no controversy amongst the faculty or student body.
“We’re really getting serious about making an impact,” student activist Shelly Hampton murmured over her caramel macchiato.
The Daily Chapman’s field reporter inquired further: “What?”
“We’re really getting serious about making an impact,” Hampton repeated, this time fumbling over the word “making” and then adding a “you know” at the end.
The statement was made 9:30 a.m. Tuesday morning in a semi-open off-campus get-together, initially held at Shelly’s aunt’s house before moving to Norm’s, a popular dining venue well within driving distance. At least seven Chapman students were in attendance, although Hampton admits “that one girl may have been from UCI.”
Tuesday’s meeting is one in a number of recent bold moves by socially-conscious students on campus. This semester has seen an array of new, more brightly colored signs on construction paper. April 2nd marked the third and final week of the Chapman Civil Rights Club’s “march for recognition,” which had figuratively marched through several privately owned spaces at least four times during convenient hours, passerby Elias Perez told the Daily Chapman in an impromptu interview.
When asked what he thought of recent developments, Elias responded that he was “really interested to see what happens next.” Upon clarifying that the question was not in regards to the Somali pirate situation, Elias replied, “Oh. What were we talking about?”
Norms was not immediately available for comment. Norms is located on Tustin and Katella, and features new, value-priced breakfast items around the clock.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Your Individiuality, 18.
[In preparations for the launching of our new website, we've been trying out some new types of genres and styles. This is the first article for our new obituaries section, which will be available when the new website launches later this month. Stay tuned.]
DIED – Your Individuality, 18, died last semester, Fall 2008, upon reaching Chapman University campus. Born February 10th of 1990, Your Individuality started strong when you were determined to dress up as Batman every day of Kindergarten. Sadly, upon turning 13 and entering middle school, Your Individuality steadily declined as you turned to stores such as Hot Topic for your rebellious tweeny-bopper dressing needs. Your Individuality grew even weaker in High School as your car stereo speakers blasted “Shake Your Laffy Taffy” and “American Idiot” while you drove your friends around, all wearing the same four shirts from Abercrombie. Then, Your Individuality arrived at Chapman University. Your Individuality breathed its last breaths as you stepped onto the Attallah Piazza; your sun-bleached hair and tanned skin blended homogeneously with the identical rainbow flip-flopped, upper-middle to upper-upper class, moderately conservative, sunglass-laden faces of your peers. Your Individuality did not die alone, but died with 983 others: the Individuality of your entire graduating class. Your Individuality is survived by brother Self-Esteem and mother and father, Personal Values and Self-Defense Mechanisms.
Memorial Service will be held at the Fish Interfaith Center this Sunday at 1 PM.
Burial will follow.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Spring Break Failure Leaves Jim Doti Agonizing
by The Local Supervillain
Do you know the real President Jim Doti? Sources tell The Daily Chapman that he is quite the mountaineer. As a mountaineer, Doti understands the many emotional and spiritual awards gained along the quest to the top of, what is essentially, icy rock. But the end of every climb begs the question, “…what now?”
“I had made it to the top of many mountains in my day," Doti told The Daily Chapman, "so I proceeded to ask my South American fans for my next challenge - those fans, of course, acquired after climbing Mt. Aconcagua, the highest mountain in South America. They responded by asking me to climb Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure.”
Further research shows that his “South American fans” are actually a cult worshiping Jim Doti. The adherents worship by making Jim Doti jokes (similar to the "Chuck Norris jokes" in North America). With such a world-renowned reputation for adventure, one can imagine the sheer disappointment when Doti failed to climb the Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure.
When interviewed, Doti reasoned that he might have failed because he was intimidated. "I read something in The Daily Chapman that said it was an optical illusion," said Doti. "It's a new challenge. I've never climbed something where it was impossible to tell how much farther I had left to go or how far I'd gone." He made it clear that he will certainly not give up, and will one day attempt to climb to the top of the breathtakingly high, speed bump-ridden structure.
Just in case you’re saddened Doti didn’t make it to the top of Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure, the following picture of Jim Doti located in Spain fighting a bull in the year 2004 should cheer you up. Reports say that it won’t be long until Jim Doti attempts the climb again, because Jim Doti doesn’t sleep. He waits.
Do you know the real President Jim Doti? Sources tell The Daily Chapman that he is quite the mountaineer. As a mountaineer, Doti understands the many emotional and spiritual awards gained along the quest to the top of, what is essentially, icy rock. But the end of every climb begs the question, “…what now?”
“I had made it to the top of many mountains in my day," Doti told The Daily Chapman, "so I proceeded to ask my South American fans for my next challenge - those fans, of course, acquired after climbing Mt. Aconcagua, the highest mountain in South America. They responded by asking me to climb Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure.”
Further research shows that his “South American fans” are actually a cult worshiping Jim Doti. The adherents worship by making Jim Doti jokes (similar to the "Chuck Norris jokes" in North America). With such a world-renowned reputation for adventure, one can imagine the sheer disappointment when Doti failed to climb the Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure.
When interviewed, Doti reasoned that he might have failed because he was intimidated. "I read something in The Daily Chapman that said it was an optical illusion," said Doti. "It's a new challenge. I've never climbed something where it was impossible to tell how much farther I had left to go or how far I'd gone." He made it clear that he will certainly not give up, and will one day attempt to climb to the top of the breathtakingly high, speed bump-ridden structure.
Just in case you’re saddened Doti didn’t make it to the top of Mt. Jim Miller Parking Structure, the following picture of Jim Doti located in Spain fighting a bull in the year 2004 should cheer you up. Reports say that it won’t be long until Jim Doti attempts the climb again, because Jim Doti doesn’t sleep. He waits.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
This Article Has Been Removed Until Further Notice.
This article has been temporarily removed by the management. Thank you for your understanding.
Friday, April 10, 2009
University Advancement Mails Shitty Postcard
By Resident Editor-In-Chief Charles K. Edinger, M.A.
This week, many parents, alumni and donors were greeted by a very attractive postcard from Chapman University’s Department of University Advancement. The postcard (pictured right) had a picture of the Attallah Piazza at night with the backdrop of Leatherby Libraries and trees decorated with Christmas lights. The text “Been here lately?” was inscribed on the top. The back simply said, “Chapman University. Building Character. Transforming Lives. Education for a Lifetime. To reconnect with Chapman, please visit us at www.chapman.edu and see what’s new. You support makes a difference. To give online, please go to www.chapman.edu/giving. Printed on recycled paper.”
“It’s tactless really,” said Resident Mailings Critic Milton R. Cummings. “It conveys a very clear message: ‘We use fragmented sentences: Want your money: teach kids.’ It’s like a spelling bee asking for 'donetions.' It’s just sad.”
“It’s a failed guilt trip,” said junior Andrea Ulving. “It automatically assumes that you haven’t been investing your life in Chapman, and thus you should give them money. I haven’t seen this tactic used since I was in Kindergarten. It’s really astounding.”
However, not all responses to the postcard have been negative. Parent Mark Walton told The Daily Chapman, “It was a nice postcard. Of the things that I threw away immediately upon arrival, it was by far the prettiest.”
The postcard has triggered some positive student involvement, as well. “I had no idea what the hell ‘University Advancement’ was,” said senior Teresa Longman. “This postcard provided me with the motivation to finally figure it out. I can honestly say that I am no more fulfilled now than I was before knowing the answer, but at least now I know to throw away anything shiny from University Advancement.”
The University has apparently gained .5% more revenue than they anticipated by doing such a mailing and are expected to continue doing more mailings with more fragmented sentences in the coming months. Hallelujah!
This week, many parents, alumni and donors were greeted by a very attractive postcard from Chapman University’s Department of University Advancement. The postcard (pictured right) had a picture of the Attallah Piazza at night with the backdrop of Leatherby Libraries and trees decorated with Christmas lights. The text “Been here lately?” was inscribed on the top. The back simply said, “Chapman University. Building Character. Transforming Lives. Education for a Lifetime. To reconnect with Chapman, please visit us at www.chapman.edu and see what’s new. You support makes a difference. To give online, please go to www.chapman.edu/giving. Printed on recycled paper.”“It’s tactless really,” said Resident Mailings Critic Milton R. Cummings. “It conveys a very clear message: ‘We use fragmented sentences: Want your money: teach kids.’ It’s like a spelling bee asking for 'donetions.' It’s just sad.”
“It’s a failed guilt trip,” said junior Andrea Ulving. “It automatically assumes that you haven’t been investing your life in Chapman, and thus you should give them money. I haven’t seen this tactic used since I was in Kindergarten. It’s really astounding.”
However, not all responses to the postcard have been negative. Parent Mark Walton told The Daily Chapman, “It was a nice postcard. Of the things that I threw away immediately upon arrival, it was by far the prettiest.”
The postcard has triggered some positive student involvement, as well. “I had no idea what the hell ‘University Advancement’ was,” said senior Teresa Longman. “This postcard provided me with the motivation to finally figure it out. I can honestly say that I am no more fulfilled now than I was before knowing the answer, but at least now I know to throw away anything shiny from University Advancement.”
The University has apparently gained .5% more revenue than they anticipated by doing such a mailing and are expected to continue doing more mailings with more fragmented sentences in the coming months. Hallelujah!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Editor Alan Wortwick Released From Hospital
by a Cheeky Monkey
At approximately 6:34 p.m. today, Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick was released from Chippenham Hospital in Richmond, Virginia and returned to his hometown of Manchester, Vermont. Chippenham Authorities report that Wortwick consumed the equivalent of 28 shots of vodka in about four hours. Sources are still unaware as to how or why Wortwick traveled the 546 miles from Manchester to Richmond, however Wortwick told The Daily Chapman via phone that it was, "one fucking crazy night."
The Irvington Police Department (IPD) in Irvington, NY reports finding an automobile, presumably registered in Wortwick's name, in roughly fourteen different places across their city. "It looks like it was originally smashed into a light pole," said Sergeant Mitchell Watterson of IPD. "But, somehow, the vehicle kept moving for another thirty-eight miles. Whoever this guy is, he's either indestructable or some sort of alien or something. I don't know. It's simply incredible."
The Daily Chapman is unsure how Wortwick will be penalized for his actions, his failure to run an effective business, and failure to properly reflect Daily Chapman integrity in his actions; however, his Editorial rights have been revoked until further notice. The temporary Resident Editor-In-Chef will be Charles K. Edinger, M.A., Director of Journalism at Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. The Daily Chapman excitedly welcomes Edinger and looks forward to improving business practices with this invaluable new resource.
More as this develops.
At approximately 6:34 p.m. today, Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick was released from Chippenham Hospital in Richmond, Virginia and returned to his hometown of Manchester, Vermont. Chippenham Authorities report that Wortwick consumed the equivalent of 28 shots of vodka in about four hours. Sources are still unaware as to how or why Wortwick traveled the 546 miles from Manchester to Richmond, however Wortwick told The Daily Chapman via phone that it was, "one fucking crazy night."
The Irvington Police Department (IPD) in Irvington, NY reports finding an automobile, presumably registered in Wortwick's name, in roughly fourteen different places across their city. "It looks like it was originally smashed into a light pole," said Sergeant Mitchell Watterson of IPD. "But, somehow, the vehicle kept moving for another thirty-eight miles. Whoever this guy is, he's either indestructable or some sort of alien or something. I don't know. It's simply incredible."
The Daily Chapman is unsure how Wortwick will be penalized for his actions, his failure to run an effective business, and failure to properly reflect Daily Chapman integrity in his actions; however, his Editorial rights have been revoked until further notice. The temporary Resident Editor-In-Chef will be Charles K. Edinger, M.A., Director of Journalism at Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA. The Daily Chapman excitedly welcomes Edinger and looks forward to improving business practices with this invaluable new resource.
More as this develops.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Today's Post
Due to health complications with our editor, today's article has been cancelled. Thank you for your understanding.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Still Brief
by the Resident Womanizer
"Articles... [still]... vague," said critics.
"Not... ******** fault..." reporter responds.
Yes.
"Articles... [still]... vague," said critics.
"Not... ******** fault..." reporter responds.
Yes.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Chapman Student Causes Largest Alcoholic Spill Per Capita Of Any Party, Ever
By Director of Alcoholism and Drunkenness Sir. Captain Morgan, Ph.D
Saturday night, at approximately drunk p.m., Chapman University senior Michael Plymoth performed a science experiment to test the buoyancy of the human body in a pool of alcohol, more specifically vodka.
“It… the… weee!!!” said Plymoth. “Wouldn’t you… ha… my… where’s the… am I?”
The experiment required filling Plymoth’s nephew’s kiddy pool with all the available vodka in the area. However, upon attempt of entry, Plymoth collapsed on the edge sending all of the vodka across the concrete patio, through the grass and into the street.
“We lost over thirty handles of vodka in the process,” said Domino’s Pizza Employee Austin Square. “It was awesome.”
So far, over 2.5 acres of damaged property and plant life have been cataloged and an additional four house cats, ten mice, fourteen rats, one ferret and two foxes have been found dead due to extreme alcohol poisoning.
“redfgrett nkothbiung,” said Plymoth in a text message to his ex-girlfriend. “dr4ujhnk.”
More as this develops.
Saturday night, at approximately drunk p.m., Chapman University senior Michael Plymoth performed a science experiment to test the buoyancy of the human body in a pool of alcohol, more specifically vodka.
“It… the… weee!!!” said Plymoth. “Wouldn’t you… ha… my… where’s the… am I?”
The experiment required filling Plymoth’s nephew’s kiddy pool with all the available vodka in the area. However, upon attempt of entry, Plymoth collapsed on the edge sending all of the vodka across the concrete patio, through the grass and into the street.
“We lost over thirty handles of vodka in the process,” said Domino’s Pizza Employee Austin Square. “It was awesome.”
So far, over 2.5 acres of damaged property and plant life have been cataloged and an additional four house cats, ten mice, fourteen rats, one ferret and two foxes have been found dead due to extreme alcohol poisoning.
“redfgrett nkothbiung,” said Plymoth in a text message to his ex-girlfriend. “dr4ujhnk.”
More as this develops.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Randy Young Man’s Guide to Spring Break
By A Randy Young Man
[For information about Spring Break Publishing, look to your left. If this article is too long, complain so we can ignore you.]
Hey, there, Spring-Breakers! Alan Wortwick, who is currently running for office within Chapman’s AS, was kind enough to let me out of the cellar for a while, and though I was made to desist from deflowering young, college-age women, I was allowed to write this quick and easy-to-remember guide to doing Spring Break the right way, to avoid calamity.
Spring break is upon us, meaning that it is time to temporarily sneak over the border to Mexico. Not for work, though, but for booze, booze, and more booze. However, times are tough all over, so while you were probably planning on heading to Tijuana for cheap beer and fireworks, there are some things you need to remember to make sure you have a fun, safe and murder-free break.
Tip #1: Stay Away From Hookers
Spring Break is a time when hundreds of young women from dozens of universities across America gather for some serious partying, and even if you look like you fell out of the Ugly-as-Fuck tree and hit every branch on the way down, you still have a high chance of having some strange woman in your pants before she barfs all over you.
Even if you strike out at all the parties you’ve been to, though, there is no reason for you to seek out the services of one of Tijuana’s working girls. Yes, they may be cheap and easy, but they also tend to be one disease short of a walking bio-hazard. If you or your junk come within shouting distance of them, you may want to run away as fast as possible, as the diseased aura they emit can melt your trouser-snake faster than a fat kid can eat a box of Oreo cookies.
Tip # 2: Stay Away from Narcotraficantes
“Narcotraficante” is Mexican for “asshole that runs drugs into America” and these unsavoury characters have been the villains of countless action movies from south of the border. Contrary to popular belief, though, they don’t all look like a pre-weight gain Ron Jeremy with a gun and an accent. Hell, at whatever club you and your friends happen to hit, there is likely to be at least one cartel member doing business. He can usually be identified by the several large, Hulk-esque bodyguards in black suits and greased hair hanging around him.
It is imperative that you stay the fuck away from this guy, because one wrong move and he’ll send your ass to kingdom come. Or rather, he’ll dial a number on his cell and three weeks later, you’ll find yourself in a shack in the middle of the desert with only several tarantulas and an irate rattlesnake for company. Which leads me into my next tip.
Tip #3: Shop Around When Considering Getting Abducted
The Narcotraficante from the previous tip has probably just been offended because you drunkenly asked a young woman from a college you’ve never heard about whether she wants to ride your mechanical bull, and he had his eye on her. It is very likely that you’ll be taken into the alley out back, shoved into a black SUV, and taken to a sort of bunker or shack where you will be ransomed.
This is NOT the way to organise your kidnapping. There are a number of drug cartels that run through Tijuana and with both the Mexican and US governments putting pressure on them (like, blasting the fuck out of corrupt cops and drug lords with machine guns), they’re a little desperate for cash. If you plan on getting kidnapped, there are several steps you need to take:
Step One: Do your research. Find the cartel that has the highest hostage release rate and make sure to compare that with the average hostage deaths that they have accrued. Pick the one that asks for more reasonable sums of money and actually lets the victim live once they get their money. These guys tend to give you a few nasty cigar burns and some minor electrocution-related injuries, but that’s the most you’ll get.
Step Two: Call the kidnappers ahead of time and let them know where you’ll be and for how long. They appreciate this sort of courtesy and you will not have any broken bones after their Muscle works you over: a black eye, a few cuts, that’s it. It makes things easier on all of you, and that is something that they like.
Step Three: Try to empathise with them. For the most part, you won’t be stuck with the actual drug lords or cartel kingpins, but their worthless peons. You’re a stupid American, so try to reach out to your captors and let them know that you know that they’re just trying to get a little extra money at the expense of national infrastructure. It is guaranteed that your captors will enjoy telling you about the most recent police drug raid spearheaded by the last bastion of honest cops in Mexico with the aid of the American Drug Enforcement Agency. Trade war stories with them, and you’ll most likely be allowed to see the sun for an hour everyday. And now, for my last tip.
Tip #4: Just Because She’s Drunk Doesn’t Make It Okay
This one should be self-explanatory, but I should cover all my bases. You’re drunk and feeling pretty damn randy. But even if she says “yes,” you’re still committing a felony. And, you’ll be “that creepy guy” for the rest of the break and probably beyond.
So that’s it for me. Alan’s back and probably going to stuff me in the cellar again. Just remember what I told you and you’ll have a fun, safe, and murder-free break!
[For information about Spring Break Publishing, look to your left. If this article is too long, complain so we can ignore you.]
Hey, there, Spring-Breakers! Alan Wortwick, who is currently running for office within Chapman’s AS, was kind enough to let me out of the cellar for a while, and though I was made to desist from deflowering young, college-age women, I was allowed to write this quick and easy-to-remember guide to doing Spring Break the right way, to avoid calamity.
Spring break is upon us, meaning that it is time to temporarily sneak over the border to Mexico. Not for work, though, but for booze, booze, and more booze. However, times are tough all over, so while you were probably planning on heading to Tijuana for cheap beer and fireworks, there are some things you need to remember to make sure you have a fun, safe and murder-free break.
Tip #1: Stay Away From Hookers
Spring Break is a time when hundreds of young women from dozens of universities across America gather for some serious partying, and even if you look like you fell out of the Ugly-as-Fuck tree and hit every branch on the way down, you still have a high chance of having some strange woman in your pants before she barfs all over you.
Even if you strike out at all the parties you’ve been to, though, there is no reason for you to seek out the services of one of Tijuana’s working girls. Yes, they may be cheap and easy, but they also tend to be one disease short of a walking bio-hazard. If you or your junk come within shouting distance of them, you may want to run away as fast as possible, as the diseased aura they emit can melt your trouser-snake faster than a fat kid can eat a box of Oreo cookies.
Tip # 2: Stay Away from Narcotraficantes
“Narcotraficante” is Mexican for “asshole that runs drugs into America” and these unsavoury characters have been the villains of countless action movies from south of the border. Contrary to popular belief, though, they don’t all look like a pre-weight gain Ron Jeremy with a gun and an accent. Hell, at whatever club you and your friends happen to hit, there is likely to be at least one cartel member doing business. He can usually be identified by the several large, Hulk-esque bodyguards in black suits and greased hair hanging around him.
It is imperative that you stay the fuck away from this guy, because one wrong move and he’ll send your ass to kingdom come. Or rather, he’ll dial a number on his cell and three weeks later, you’ll find yourself in a shack in the middle of the desert with only several tarantulas and an irate rattlesnake for company. Which leads me into my next tip.
Tip #3: Shop Around When Considering Getting Abducted
The Narcotraficante from the previous tip has probably just been offended because you drunkenly asked a young woman from a college you’ve never heard about whether she wants to ride your mechanical bull, and he had his eye on her. It is very likely that you’ll be taken into the alley out back, shoved into a black SUV, and taken to a sort of bunker or shack where you will be ransomed.
This is NOT the way to organise your kidnapping. There are a number of drug cartels that run through Tijuana and with both the Mexican and US governments putting pressure on them (like, blasting the fuck out of corrupt cops and drug lords with machine guns), they’re a little desperate for cash. If you plan on getting kidnapped, there are several steps you need to take:
Step One: Do your research. Find the cartel that has the highest hostage release rate and make sure to compare that with the average hostage deaths that they have accrued. Pick the one that asks for more reasonable sums of money and actually lets the victim live once they get their money. These guys tend to give you a few nasty cigar burns and some minor electrocution-related injuries, but that’s the most you’ll get.
Step Two: Call the kidnappers ahead of time and let them know where you’ll be and for how long. They appreciate this sort of courtesy and you will not have any broken bones after their Muscle works you over: a black eye, a few cuts, that’s it. It makes things easier on all of you, and that is something that they like.
Step Three: Try to empathise with them. For the most part, you won’t be stuck with the actual drug lords or cartel kingpins, but their worthless peons. You’re a stupid American, so try to reach out to your captors and let them know that you know that they’re just trying to get a little extra money at the expense of national infrastructure. It is guaranteed that your captors will enjoy telling you about the most recent police drug raid spearheaded by the last bastion of honest cops in Mexico with the aid of the American Drug Enforcement Agency. Trade war stories with them, and you’ll most likely be allowed to see the sun for an hour everyday. And now, for my last tip.
Tip #4: Just Because She’s Drunk Doesn’t Make It Okay
This one should be self-explanatory, but I should cover all my bases. You’re drunk and feeling pretty damn randy. But even if she says “yes,” you’re still committing a felony. And, you’ll be “that creepy guy” for the rest of the break and probably beyond.
So that’s it for me. Alan’s back and probably going to stuff me in the cellar again. Just remember what I told you and you’ll have a fun, safe, and murder-free break!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Student Freezes Balls Off After Poor Vacation Planning
By Your Ex-Girlfriend (I Still Hate You)
“It was going to be the perfect spring break vacation,” said sophomore Adam Milton. “And now this.”
At approximately 11 am Friday morning, junior Collin Jostling was transported to Vail Valley Medical Center in Vail, CO, said City of Vail Press Representative Micah Millhouser. “Doctors were able to restore Jostling to functional health,” said Millhouser. “Strength and Power were not so lucky.”
Friday morning, Milton and Jostling left their hotel in Grand Junction, CO to continue heading east to Chicago, when the segment of Interstate 25 near Vail Pass was shut down due to winter weather. “I-25 became a parking lot,” said Milton. “So we got out and made a fire out of old books.”
During their sit, Jostling’s testicles, Strength and Power, were numbed and somehow froze to the ice below him. “We tried standing up,” said Milton. “But Collin was stuck. I didn’t know what else to do so I called an ambulance. Next thing I know, my best friend is in the hospital and his balls are frozen to the street.”
Power and Strength were 20 years-old and looking forward to producing offspring. They are survived by host Collin Jostling and his girlfriend Michelle Pebedolt, who say they will be sorely missed. A memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday at 4pm at St. Peter’s Episcopal Cathedral in Chicago, IL. Donations in memory of Power and Strength can be made to the Jostling Prosthetic Fund.
“It was going to be the perfect spring break vacation,” said sophomore Adam Milton. “And now this.”
At approximately 11 am Friday morning, junior Collin Jostling was transported to Vail Valley Medical Center in Vail, CO, said City of Vail Press Representative Micah Millhouser. “Doctors were able to restore Jostling to functional health,” said Millhouser. “Strength and Power were not so lucky.”
Friday morning, Milton and Jostling left their hotel in Grand Junction, CO to continue heading east to Chicago, when the segment of Interstate 25 near Vail Pass was shut down due to winter weather. “I-25 became a parking lot,” said Milton. “So we got out and made a fire out of old books.”
During their sit, Jostling’s testicles, Strength and Power, were numbed and somehow froze to the ice below him. “We tried standing up,” said Milton. “But Collin was stuck. I didn’t know what else to do so I called an ambulance. Next thing I know, my best friend is in the hospital and his balls are frozen to the street.”
Power and Strength were 20 years-old and looking forward to producing offspring. They are survived by host Collin Jostling and his girlfriend Michelle Pebedolt, who say they will be sorely missed. A memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday at 4pm at St. Peter’s Episcopal Cathedral in Chicago, IL. Donations in memory of Power and Strength can be made to the Jostling Prosthetic Fund.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Potential Chapman Students Think This Place Totally Rocks
By The Chief CurmudgeonIn the past few weeks Chapman University’s campus has been struck by an influx of prospective students touring to get an idea of what the college is like. George Morgan, head of Chapman’s Prospective Student Tourism Board, described how excited the school is about the number of possible new freshman. “What’s great about having all of these highschoolers here is the ability it grants the university to really interact with them on a personal level; never before has it been easier to just tell them whatever we want. Watch!” Mr. Morgan proceeded to take a potential student aside and tell him that Chapman is on its way to joining the Ivy League and that Los Angeles is only a five-minute walk away.
With enough prodding, our next freshman class has shown itself to be very passionate. “I think I want to go to Chapman because, you know, it’s just the right size – know what I mean? I mean, it’s big enough to be prestigious but small enough to really care about its students,” said potential English major Roger Jameson. “Plus, I mean, look at all the statues of people who went here! Who knew Aretha Franklin and Abraham Lincoln were Chapman graduates?”
Film Production applicant Shirley Walker iterated that, “I love how hands on Dodge College is. I mean, they bring in the best of the industry to personally teach us exactly what it’s like to make your masterpiece.” Ms. Walker could not be pressed for further comment, as she had to rush to Folino’s screening of current filmmaker-in-residence Martha Coolidge’s magnum opus “Material Girls” – a subversive piece of postmodern cinema about what it is like to be materialistic, and also a girl. Stars Hillary and Hayley Duff were not in attendance for unknown reasons.
“All I ever hear is how great the social scene is here,” noted potential PR major Tracy Anderson. “I went to the greek life seminar and I’m so stoked for joining a sorority next year. Gaining friends for life, sharing in life-changing experiences, learning how to blow the entire football team in an afternoon: it all sounds like so much fun.”
In unrelated news, The Daily Chapman has just been informed that Chapman University has a football team.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
DECISION 2009 UPDATE: Alan Wortwick Announces Candidacy For AS Senate
By Assistant to the Editor-In-Chef / Wortwick’s Bitch Jean Wiglia
In a startling move, Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick announced his candidacy for AS Senate via Facebook message to The Daily Chapman Facebook group. “It is in this terrible circumstance that I hereby announce my candidacy for Associated Student Senate,” said Wortwick. “As senator, I will see to it that the things you enjoy do not die at the hand of our administration. I will provide for a more sustainable and more communicative campus.”
Although Wortwick’s announcement has come as a surprise to much of the university campus, many have showed support for many of Wortwick’s programs. “I believe Wortwick’s ‘Free Candy For Kids’ program shows how much he cares about the future of this university,” said Junior Julia Wilson. “What student wouldn’t want to come to a university that gives them free candy to get them in and then rapes their wallets once they’re here. It’s a brilliant campaign and I’m behind Wortwick one hundred percent.”
Other of Wortwick’s policies include raising campus sustainability, bettering recycling programs, raising student involvement, lowering student taxes, raising minimum wage in student employment, adding more Corn Dog days in the cafeteria, increasing the university marijuana budget, adding more smoking areas, decrease RA tyrannical control, and maximizing chill time.
Scholars suggest that, in spite of Wortwick’s solid campaign and position, Wortwick still lacks the doctorate in badassery that candidate Kahan Chandrani possesses. Wortwick makes up for this saying, “I’m level 80 on World of Warcraft. That’s got to count for something.
More as this develops.
In a startling move, Daily Chapman Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick announced his candidacy for AS Senate via Facebook message to The Daily Chapman Facebook group. “It is in this terrible circumstance that I hereby announce my candidacy for Associated Student Senate,” said Wortwick. “As senator, I will see to it that the things you enjoy do not die at the hand of our administration. I will provide for a more sustainable and more communicative campus.”
Although Wortwick’s announcement has come as a surprise to much of the university campus, many have showed support for many of Wortwick’s programs. “I believe Wortwick’s ‘Free Candy For Kids’ program shows how much he cares about the future of this university,” said Junior Julia Wilson. “What student wouldn’t want to come to a university that gives them free candy to get them in and then rapes their wallets once they’re here. It’s a brilliant campaign and I’m behind Wortwick one hundred percent.”
Other of Wortwick’s policies include raising campus sustainability, bettering recycling programs, raising student involvement, lowering student taxes, raising minimum wage in student employment, adding more Corn Dog days in the cafeteria, increasing the university marijuana budget, adding more smoking areas, decrease RA tyrannical control, and maximizing chill time.
Scholars suggest that, in spite of Wortwick’s solid campaign and position, Wortwick still lacks the doctorate in badassery that candidate Kahan Chandrani possesses. Wortwick makes up for this saying, “I’m level 80 on World of Warcraft. That’s got to count for something.
More as this develops.
Mole People Invade Chapman
by Privates Investigator Snugglesworth
If you have walked on the breezeway between Pralle and Henley this week you must have noticed several large piles of dirt. Many students were confused about the origins of this dirt (some erroneously citing university gardeners). However, insiders have told The Daily Chapman that this is definitely the result of a mass invasion by none other than the Mole People.
After lying dormant for 18 centuries the Mole People from Down Under have coordinated a mass attack. They apparently targeted Chapman University because they thought that we were the center of command for the entire world. A representative from the Mole People cleared up the mistake. "We heard about some Global Citizen's something or other and that Colin Powell was here to speak about it. We assumed that it was something actually important and decided it was a good place to start our domination of earth."
The invasion was further thwarted by a mysterious person who single-handedly fought the Mole People into submission. Three students witnessed the event but their eyewitness accounts vary strongly, making an accurate report of the events impossible. Linus T. Robinson, a freshmen, claims he saw Jesus come down from heaven and use his god-lasers to zap the Mole People back down to the Hell from whence they came (riiiiight...). Jenny Jones, a senior, claims that it was some sort of giant moose wielding a lightsaber (Jenny is blonde). By far the most intriguing account comes from Reginald Smith, a sophomore who witnessed the events from his 3rd floor window. He claims he saw President James L. Doti himself wielding a "glowing Highlander sword" and using some sort of advanced karate to behead the invaders. He apparently proceeded to carve them into steaks and pack them in a large cooler.
No word yet as to what is to be done with the giant mounds of dirt, but the Daily Chapman suspects that the pots will be refilled once Chapman finds you and kills you for that shit you pulled.
More as this develops.
If you have walked on the breezeway between Pralle and Henley this week you must have noticed several large piles of dirt. Many students were confused about the origins of this dirt (some erroneously citing university gardeners). However, insiders have told The Daily Chapman that this is definitely the result of a mass invasion by none other than the Mole People.
After lying dormant for 18 centuries the Mole People from Down Under have coordinated a mass attack. They apparently targeted Chapman University because they thought that we were the center of command for the entire world. A representative from the Mole People cleared up the mistake. "We heard about some Global Citizen's something or other and that Colin Powell was here to speak about it. We assumed that it was something actually important and decided it was a good place to start our domination of earth."
The invasion was further thwarted by a mysterious person who single-handedly fought the Mole People into submission. Three students witnessed the event but their eyewitness accounts vary strongly, making an accurate report of the events impossible. Linus T. Robinson, a freshmen, claims he saw Jesus come down from heaven and use his god-lasers to zap the Mole People back down to the Hell from whence they came (riiiiight...). Jenny Jones, a senior, claims that it was some sort of giant moose wielding a lightsaber (Jenny is blonde). By far the most intriguing account comes from Reginald Smith, a sophomore who witnessed the events from his 3rd floor window. He claims he saw President James L. Doti himself wielding a "glowing Highlander sword" and using some sort of advanced karate to behead the invaders. He apparently proceeded to carve them into steaks and pack them in a large cooler.
No word yet as to what is to be done with the giant mounds of dirt, but the Daily Chapman suspects that the pots will be refilled once Chapman finds you and kills you for that shit you pulled.
More as this develops.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
A Letter From The Assistant Editor.
Dearest Friends of The Daily Chapman,
It is my unfortunate task to bring you up to speed on the latest developments with our fine satirical news source. Earlier this week, we received correspondence from the university administration suggesting that a lawsuit was in the works. It was an executive decision in our management to ignore the claim and go about our day.
Yesterday, however, I was alerted that Orange Police arrived outside Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick's apartment at around 10:34 p.m. He was removed from his home by force and taken away in a patrol car to an undisclosed location.
Due to Wortwick's arrest, The Daily Chapman is now without direction and likely to be solicited again by law enforcement and other judicial bodies. For the continued protection of our writers, staff and fans, we have now officially decided to shut down The Daily Chapman.
I know that I speak on behalf of the whole staff when I say that it has been our greatest pleasure serving this fine student body with a fresh perspective and a little bit of joy and brightness. We will sorely miss bringing you the news and being apart of your day. We hope that you will keep The Daily Chapman in your heart and continue to go through life with a positive, bright and optimistic attitude.
On a personal note, I cannot thank you enough for all of your support and for all of the joy that you have brought to my life and the lives of my peers. I sincerely thank each and every one of you for reading and I hope that someday we may resume our practice in the goal of peace, justice, truth, fact and clarity.
We are eternally greatful for you. Thank you for a great few months.
Sincerely,
Charlie Edinger
Assistant Editor
The Daily Chapman
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