By First Premier Konrad von Schmoot, On Vacation in Helsinki
On Saturday, students were notified that there was a gunman in the heretofore-unimportant Smith Hall. Why any gunman would attack Chapman at the ungodly hour of 10:34 AM during the summertime is a mystery, but Public Safety quickly notified members of the Chapman community half an hour later (at 11:07) to stay inside.
Twenty minutes later, members of the Chapman community were updated on the status of the search, with Public Safety informing students and staff that the gunman was in fact an off-duty police officer.
It seems that the Orange Police care so much about Chapman (or had so little to do) that they decided to take action against one of their own members. Orange Chief of Police John Smitners said, "It's well-known that the greatest threat facing college campuses today are members of law enforcement. The Orange Police Department has always been and will always be here to protect Chapman from the Orange Police."
Paul Stetson, University Sophomore (after he completes his summer classes, that is) was on the scene at the time. "Yeah, they rounded all of us up and brought us outside and then brought us back inside. I think the police just wanted something to do, though I have heard rumors of strip-searches behind Memorial…"
UPDATE: Officer Jim Cornwallis of the Orange P.D. confirmed Stetson's suspicion that the police just needed something to do. "So many reckless kids leave for the summer, and what are we supposed to do? Just sit around for three months until they come back and start speeding and drinking again? The only other incident we've had this summer was a 78-year-old woman caught shoplifting antique frog statues for her lawn."
We at the Daily Chapman wish the Orange Police Department and Public Safety luck with their summer endeavors.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Notes Concerning Summer
By The Management
Dear Faithful Readers,
Well, it's that time of year again: summer. If you're staying in southern California, you can smell it in the melting asphalt and see it in the smog hovering over your house. If you're not staying around Chapman, hopefully you're somewhere far, far better…
…like most of the Daily Chapman staff. We are in a place far, far, far (I mean exponentially) far better than Chapman University for the summer. As such, it doesn't make sense for us to update every day. There isn't enough happening at Chapman in the summer months to warrant such a thing, and the paper isn't called "The Daily [Insert Your Hometown Here]," probably because your hometown sucks.
However, like the good citizens we are, we're still going to update (at least) once a week for the rest of May all the way through orientation week. Feel free to write articles to us still; wealways sometimes love to see your opinions on things. If you think you have a totally kick-ass story about something awesome, send it to submissions@dailychapman.com.
Other than that, just check back whenever you feel like it. I don't know what day we'll be updating each week, but when I do we'll post that information or something.
Enjoy your summer. Don't sleep with too many goats (in this case, too many is four; they start to get jealous.)
Love,
The Management
The Daily Chapman
www.dailychapman.com
admin@dailychapman.com
Dear Faithful Readers,
Well, it's that time of year again: summer. If you're staying in southern California, you can smell it in the melting asphalt and see it in the smog hovering over your house. If you're not staying around Chapman, hopefully you're somewhere far, far better…
…like most of the Daily Chapman staff. We are in a place far, far, far (I mean exponentially) far better than Chapman University for the summer. As such, it doesn't make sense for us to update every day. There isn't enough happening at Chapman in the summer months to warrant such a thing, and the paper isn't called "The Daily [Insert Your Hometown Here]," probably because your hometown sucks.
However, like the good citizens we are, we're still going to update (at least) once a week for the rest of May all the way through orientation week. Feel free to write articles to us still; we
Other than that, just check back whenever you feel like it. I don't know what day we'll be updating each week, but when I do we'll post that information or something.
Enjoy your summer. Don't sleep with too many goats (in this case, too many is four; they start to get jealous.)
Love,
The Management
The Daily Chapman
www.dailychapman.com
admin@dailychapman.com
Friday, May 22, 2009
New Residence Center to Feature Trayless, Plateless Dining
By Kathleen Gradenko
The probably-soon-to-be-named Julianne Argyros Residence Center will be establishing a new standard in environmental sustainability next Fall, as students adapt to a new cafeteria. The dining will be not simply trayless, but plateless as well. Dining Services Manager Linda Blair had this to say, "I'm very concerned for the environment. When we aren't rolling around in piles of student's money, we're thinking of ways to cut costs. I mean, to save the earth." This is regardless of the fact that without a meal plan, a meal costs upwards of ten dollars for students -- more than it would cost you to coat your regular food in gold leaf.
The cafeteria will be a group of tables surrounded by "meal stations," which students can go to at any point once they swipe their cards. The meal stations will be troughs, full of mashed potatoes, beans, or other cheap food bought in bulk, and students are to grab handfuls at a time. Senior Julie Davis seemed indifferent. "Why the fuck should I care? I'm graduating!" she said. Sophomore peace studies major Robert Harper says he likes the idea. "It brings us closer to our ancestral roots. They had to do it, why can't we? Really, you never know if you don't like something until you try it. That's my life philosophy." Robert proceeded to rub feces around his body while singing Kumbaya, and jumped off the top of the parking structure.
The probably-soon-to-be-named Julianne Argyros Residence Center will be establishing a new standard in environmental sustainability next Fall, as students adapt to a new cafeteria. The dining will be not simply trayless, but plateless as well. Dining Services Manager Linda Blair had this to say, "I'm very concerned for the environment. When we aren't rolling around in piles of student's money, we're thinking of ways to cut costs. I mean, to save the earth." This is regardless of the fact that without a meal plan, a meal costs upwards of ten dollars for students -- more than it would cost you to coat your regular food in gold leaf.
The cafeteria will be a group of tables surrounded by "meal stations," which students can go to at any point once they swipe their cards. The meal stations will be troughs, full of mashed potatoes, beans, or other cheap food bought in bulk, and students are to grab handfuls at a time. Senior Julie Davis seemed indifferent. "Why the fuck should I care? I'm graduating!" she said. Sophomore peace studies major Robert Harper says he likes the idea. "It brings us closer to our ancestral roots. They had to do it, why can't we? Really, you never know if you don't like something until you try it. That's my life philosophy." Robert proceeded to rub feces around his body while singing Kumbaya, and jumped off the top of the parking structure.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Undie Run Footage Nominated for Palm D'Or
By John C. Calhoun
Luis Martinez always wanted to make a movie. Unfortunately, Martinez, a 43 year old resident of Orange, never had the money to afford Chapman's film program. On Wednesday night, however, Martinez's dreams came true.
At first glance, Martinez is an unimposing figure. A fat, slightly balding, middle-aged Mexican man, he wears a black and brown beanie and a T-Shirt with three wolves and a moon on it. His moustache hangs down in a perfect handlebar, and he sports a five dollar pair of fake Oakleys. Hiding behind this unassuming exterior, however, lies an artistic genius -- or so say the people who work at Cannes Film Festival.
Immediately following the Undie Run event, Martinez uploaded his video to popular video-sharing site Youtube. As of this writing, the film already had three million views. One of these views was from Jean-Luc Truffaut, head of the Cannes Film Festival.
"I was immediately impressed by the artistry of his film. I enjoyed the cinema verite aesthetic; shaking camera, non-actors, shot on location. It's something that we haven't seen in years," said Truffaut. "We of course had to offer him the Palm D'Or." The Palm D'Or is the highest honor at Cannes.
The film is not without its share of critics on Youtube, however. One comment, by "BOLLARG THE MAGNIFICENT," decried the film as "SHITTY LOL" and called Martinez "A FUCKING DOUCHE."
Martinez is unphased by all the newfound attention. "It [the film] is good wanking material."
Indeed it is. Indeed. It. Is.
Luis Martinez always wanted to make a movie. Unfortunately, Martinez, a 43 year old resident of Orange, never had the money to afford Chapman's film program. On Wednesday night, however, Martinez's dreams came true.
At first glance, Martinez is an unimposing figure. A fat, slightly balding, middle-aged Mexican man, he wears a black and brown beanie and a T-Shirt with three wolves and a moon on it. His moustache hangs down in a perfect handlebar, and he sports a five dollar pair of fake Oakleys. Hiding behind this unassuming exterior, however, lies an artistic genius -- or so say the people who work at Cannes Film Festival.
Immediately following the Undie Run event, Martinez uploaded his video to popular video-sharing site Youtube. As of this writing, the film already had three million views. One of these views was from Jean-Luc Truffaut, head of the Cannes Film Festival.
"I was immediately impressed by the artistry of his film. I enjoyed the cinema verite aesthetic; shaking camera, non-actors, shot on location. It's something that we haven't seen in years," said Truffaut. "We of course had to offer him the Palm D'Or." The Palm D'Or is the highest honor at Cannes.
The film is not without its share of critics on Youtube, however. One comment, by "BOLLARG THE MAGNIFICENT," decried the film as "SHITTY LOL" and called Martinez "A FUCKING DOUCHE."
Martinez is unphased by all the newfound attention. "It [the film] is good wanking material."
Indeed it is. Indeed. It. Is.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Rape Victims Come Out
By a Venus Flytrap with a Temper
As finals week continues, an alarming number of Chapman University students have come out saying that they have been anally raped in the last few days or even weeks. Although no clear figure is yet available as to how many victims there are, scholars project the number to be around 3,864.
“I just don’t even bother trying to stop it anymore,” says senior Michele Agiolli. “Chapman comes a-knocking and I just bend over and take it. What else is there to do?”
Doctors are concerned about this apathetic consent and the health problems that it may cause. “Non-consensual anal rape can cause a lot of stress and anxiety, especially in the final stages,” said Health Services Nurse Margo Tenor. “Not to mention that it’s a huge pain in your asshole.”
The University Administration has refused to comment other than to wish their students luck on finals. “Best of luck on your exams,” said Dean of Students Jerry Price. “And have a wonderful summer.”
In other news, my bunghole hurts. Thank you.
As finals week continues, an alarming number of Chapman University students have come out saying that they have been anally raped in the last few days or even weeks. Although no clear figure is yet available as to how many victims there are, scholars project the number to be around 3,864.
“I just don’t even bother trying to stop it anymore,” says senior Michele Agiolli. “Chapman comes a-knocking and I just bend over and take it. What else is there to do?”
Doctors are concerned about this apathetic consent and the health problems that it may cause. “Non-consensual anal rape can cause a lot of stress and anxiety, especially in the final stages,” said Health Services Nurse Margo Tenor. “Not to mention that it’s a huge pain in your asshole.”
The University Administration has refused to comment other than to wish their students luck on finals. “Best of luck on your exams,” said Dean of Students Jerry Price. “And have a wonderful summer.”
In other news, my bunghole hurts. Thank you.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: Greek Life Actually Robots
By the Local Supervillain
There was a final Greek Life meeting between Henley and Sodaro this afternoon. At this meeting, Greek Life students finally revealed what many have suspected all along -- every Greek Life student is actually a robot. These powerful robots have been programmed to act like college is exactly like the movie Animal House, and thereby ruin any attempts at respectable, intellectual conversation or "growing up."
Though this is the first time the Greek Life students have taken their robot forms, it was noticed that most students didn't see a difference. Many casual onlookers simply walked on by, as the robots downed kegs and high-fived each other, occasionally shouting in metallic voices, "Bro, I can spread that girl right here!" No word yet as to how these robots have sex, but presumably it's still drunken, pathetic, and full of herpes.
More as this develops.
There was a final Greek Life meeting between Henley and Sodaro this afternoon. At this meeting, Greek Life students finally revealed what many have suspected all along -- every Greek Life student is actually a robot. These powerful robots have been programmed to act like college is exactly like the movie Animal House, and thereby ruin any attempts at respectable, intellectual conversation or "growing up."
Though this is the first time the Greek Life students have taken their robot forms, it was noticed that most students didn't see a difference. Many casual onlookers simply walked on by, as the robots downed kegs and high-fived each other, occasionally shouting in metallic voices, "Bro, I can spread that girl right here!" No word yet as to how these robots have sex, but presumably it's still drunken, pathetic, and full of herpes.
More as this develops.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Your Friend, The Urinal!
By Bobby Frost
Here is a short ode, written in loving prose, about man's other best friend, the Urinal can.
Urinal, Urinal
How I love you
Urinal, Urinal
How do you do?
You're always there for me
Except when I poo.
Poo is gross.
Indeed.
(It's final's week. Please forgive us.)
Here is a short ode, written in loving prose, about man's other best friend, the Urinal can.
Urinal, Urinal
How I love you
Urinal, Urinal
How do you do?
You're always there for me
Except when I poo.
Poo is gross.
Indeed.
(It's final's week. Please forgive us.)
Sunday, May 17, 2009
OPINION: The Daily Chapman Never Covers More as ANYTHING Develops
Submitted through Pigeon Courier
I’m pretty sure that by now whatever happened in that article you wrote could have developed, and you still haven’t written anything else about it. I guess you might consider it a development when two articles come out within the same month discussing the outcomes of spilled alcohol at frat parties, but that’s really more of a commentary on the Daily Chapman’s mystical fascination with beer than anything, an “El Dorado” kind of obsession, the kind that makes a fake ID into some sort of lost map, and a bottle of Vodka into something to be discussed in whispers. I think in a few years this stuff will just be a thing that we drink.
Seriously, though, has anything developed? What happened with that Ketchup guy? Where does he get his suits pressed? Does he do that thing where you tap on the top of a soda can to get the demons out? What’s his birthstone? Stop lying to me, Daily Chapman. Stop making me feel like I’m special to you, like there’s some sort of urgency in this relationship when really we both know that you’re stringing me along just far enough to get to the next valley girl joke. I can’t go on like this.
Here. How about we make a deal. If you start reporting on interesting things, like for instance my large body of postmodern poetic works, I will write in the fifth person. I don’t even know how to do that yet, but I’ll do it for you, Daily Chapman. Because you fill me in a way that few things ever have without my consent.
Yours,
-Herbert S. Fine
I’m pretty sure that by now whatever happened in that article you wrote could have developed, and you still haven’t written anything else about it. I guess you might consider it a development when two articles come out within the same month discussing the outcomes of spilled alcohol at frat parties, but that’s really more of a commentary on the Daily Chapman’s mystical fascination with beer than anything, an “El Dorado” kind of obsession, the kind that makes a fake ID into some sort of lost map, and a bottle of Vodka into something to be discussed in whispers. I think in a few years this stuff will just be a thing that we drink.
Seriously, though, has anything developed? What happened with that Ketchup guy? Where does he get his suits pressed? Does he do that thing where you tap on the top of a soda can to get the demons out? What’s his birthstone? Stop lying to me, Daily Chapman. Stop making me feel like I’m special to you, like there’s some sort of urgency in this relationship when really we both know that you’re stringing me along just far enough to get to the next valley girl joke. I can’t go on like this.
Here. How about we make a deal. If you start reporting on interesting things, like for instance my large body of postmodern poetic works, I will write in the fifth person. I don’t even know how to do that yet, but I’ll do it for you, Daily Chapman. Because you fill me in a way that few things ever have without my consent.
Yours,
-Herbert S. Fine
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Prospective COMM Majors Find Chapman’s COMM Program Just Right
By Andrew Jackson, Resident Expert on Native American Rights
According to a recent poll conducted by the Daily Chapman Investigative Team, 9 out of 10 prospective Communications majors find Chapman’s COMM program to be just the right combination of vague and collegy-sounding.
“The Communications major here is so great!” said one bright-eyed girl, fresh off the Chapman University Tour. “All the classes sound so…adult! College!”
And she is correct. With classes such as “Interpersonal Communication,” “Communication Research,” and “Experimental Course” in the docket, COMM might be Chapman’s most adult-sounding major. Though followed closely by Chapman’s Political Science major and extremely distantly by Chapman’s Peace Studies Major, COMM seems to be the indisputably most mature major at Chapman.
Some have gone so far as to suggest that majoring in COMM is a good way to “grow up,” in a sense. In fact, studies show that over the course of the four-year undergraduate program, 2/3 of Chapman’s coveted COMM majors become coffee drinkers, begin to enjoy the occasional cigar when the mood strikes, and come to think of blowjobs as “childish,” opting to instead “just make love tonight.”
But how does a degree in Communications hold up after graduation? Can you actually get a job with a COMM major? The Daily Chapman Investigative Team asked various employers in Orange how they felt on the subject.
“Well, it would really come down to their knowledge of dildos and porn,” said Enrique Carabasal, owner and operator of A Touch Of Romance on Tustin. “But, yeah, I mean I guess having a COMM major couldn’t hurt.”
“Of course I would hire someone with a Communications degree,” said Muriel Frances, owner of Antiques And Other Lovely Things in the Orange Plaza. “As long as they were a strapping young lad.”
“Hire someone with a COMM degree? Isn’t that like the default Greek Life major?” said Bill Mackentyre, owner of JLP, a leading business firm in the area. “That shit is for morons. There’s no fucking way. Get out.”
According to a recent poll conducted by the Daily Chapman Investigative Team, 9 out of 10 prospective Communications majors find Chapman’s COMM program to be just the right combination of vague and collegy-sounding.
“The Communications major here is so great!” said one bright-eyed girl, fresh off the Chapman University Tour. “All the classes sound so…adult! College!”
And she is correct. With classes such as “Interpersonal Communication,” “Communication Research,” and “Experimental Course” in the docket, COMM might be Chapman’s most adult-sounding major. Though followed closely by Chapman’s Political Science major and extremely distantly by Chapman’s Peace Studies Major, COMM seems to be the indisputably most mature major at Chapman.
Some have gone so far as to suggest that majoring in COMM is a good way to “grow up,” in a sense. In fact, studies show that over the course of the four-year undergraduate program, 2/3 of Chapman’s coveted COMM majors become coffee drinkers, begin to enjoy the occasional cigar when the mood strikes, and come to think of blowjobs as “childish,” opting to instead “just make love tonight.”
But how does a degree in Communications hold up after graduation? Can you actually get a job with a COMM major? The Daily Chapman Investigative Team asked various employers in Orange how they felt on the subject.
“Well, it would really come down to their knowledge of dildos and porn,” said Enrique Carabasal, owner and operator of A Touch Of Romance on Tustin. “But, yeah, I mean I guess having a COMM major couldn’t hurt.”
“Of course I would hire someone with a Communications degree,” said Muriel Frances, owner of Antiques And Other Lovely Things in the Orange Plaza. “As long as they were a strapping young lad.”
“Hire someone with a COMM degree? Isn’t that like the default Greek Life major?” said Bill Mackentyre, owner of JLP, a leading business firm in the area. “That shit is for morons. There’s no fucking way. Get out.”
Friday, May 15, 2009
Review: Guerrilla Shakespeare
By Your Mom Never Loved You
Students were slightly disappointed with the recent production of Romeo and Juliet put on by Guerrilla Shakespeare.
"I was so excited for Guerrilla Shakespeare," said Michael Conty, junior. "I thought, 'Shakespeare with Che Guevara? Awesome!'" This seemed to be the prevailing sentiment amongst students who attended – many seemed to associate the word "guerrilla" with "guerrilla warfare."
"There was like, this huge swordfight between these two guys. They like, stood out in the middle of the street and challenged each other. What kind of guerrilla shit is that?" said Tony Bartholomew.
"It was just really disappointing," said John Kockins. "I mean, who the hell fights with swords nowadays anyways? Wait, did Che ever fight with a sword? Hm…"
However, there was one group that was perhaps even more disappointed than those who thought that Guerrilla Shakespeare would reincarnate Che to play Romeo:
"I totally thought that they said Gorilla Shakespeare. Damn it," said Alan Wortwick, who left in disgust shortly after the first act concluded.
Alan Wortwick is, of course, a famed gorilla wrestler.
Students were slightly disappointed with the recent production of Romeo and Juliet put on by Guerrilla Shakespeare.
"I was so excited for Guerrilla Shakespeare," said Michael Conty, junior. "I thought, 'Shakespeare with Che Guevara? Awesome!'" This seemed to be the prevailing sentiment amongst students who attended – many seemed to associate the word "guerrilla" with "guerrilla warfare."
"There was like, this huge swordfight between these two guys. They like, stood out in the middle of the street and challenged each other. What kind of guerrilla shit is that?" said Tony Bartholomew.
"It was just really disappointing," said John Kockins. "I mean, who the hell fights with swords nowadays anyways? Wait, did Che ever fight with a sword? Hm…"
However, there was one group that was perhaps even more disappointed than those who thought that Guerrilla Shakespeare would reincarnate Che to play Romeo:
"I totally thought that they said Gorilla Shakespeare. Damn it," said Alan Wortwick, who left in disgust shortly after the first act concluded.
Alan Wortwick is, of course, a famed gorilla wrestler.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Chapman Opens Famed Time Capsule Filled With Old Useless Shit
by Some Guy
Current Chapman students and Alumnus witnessed the opening of a 50-year-old time capsule today on the main campus. Some were overjoyed at the interesting and intimate glimpse into another part of American history, but most were just bored with the old, useless shit they found inside.
“What the fuck is this shit?” asked Melissa Burke, a sophomore English lit. major, as she picked up an item from the capsule. After she discovered it was one of Miles Davis’ original groundbreaking albums Kind of Blue, she promptly discarded it, saying, “It doesn’t play on my iPhone? Whatever.”
Arthur Cunningham had a different outlook on the event. An alumnus from 1959, he was eager to see what was in the time capsule. “I just want to find my Zippo lighter. The space fighters keep telling me I lost it, but I know I didn’t.” He claims that he “dropped it in the… God damned time machine” 50 years ago accidentally.
Most of the students at the event confessed they had little to no knowledge about the year 1959. When asked about his grasp of the lifestyle and times, Corbin Ashcroft, a business major, said “Oh it was the Renaissance times. That’s when, like, Abraham Lincoln got to hang out with Pocahontas and really kick it good you know? Really get in there with the historical people.” When told the actual historical context, he merely plugged his ears and screamed, which was an expected response according to Modern American History professor Andrea Perstoll.
“Most students today don’t like to learn about things they can’t grasp, like Hawaii not being a state, or Sleeping Beauty not being on VHS,” she said. She also stated that the late 1950’s were a period of expansion for the United States, which she said, “kind of makes you think, why in the world did these dumb fuck 1959 kids put such lame shit in the time capsule? They really half assed it.”
Current Chapman students and Alumnus witnessed the opening of a 50-year-old time capsule today on the main campus. Some were overjoyed at the interesting and intimate glimpse into another part of American history, but most were just bored with the old, useless shit they found inside.
“What the fuck is this shit?” asked Melissa Burke, a sophomore English lit. major, as she picked up an item from the capsule. After she discovered it was one of Miles Davis’ original groundbreaking albums Kind of Blue, she promptly discarded it, saying, “It doesn’t play on my iPhone? Whatever.”
Arthur Cunningham had a different outlook on the event. An alumnus from 1959, he was eager to see what was in the time capsule. “I just want to find my Zippo lighter. The space fighters keep telling me I lost it, but I know I didn’t.” He claims that he “dropped it in the… God damned time machine” 50 years ago accidentally.
Most of the students at the event confessed they had little to no knowledge about the year 1959. When asked about his grasp of the lifestyle and times, Corbin Ashcroft, a business major, said “Oh it was the Renaissance times. That’s when, like, Abraham Lincoln got to hang out with Pocahontas and really kick it good you know? Really get in there with the historical people.” When told the actual historical context, he merely plugged his ears and screamed, which was an expected response according to Modern American History professor Andrea Perstoll.
“Most students today don’t like to learn about things they can’t grasp, like Hawaii not being a state, or Sleeping Beauty not being on VHS,” she said. She also stated that the late 1950’s were a period of expansion for the United States, which she said, “kind of makes you think, why in the world did these dumb fuck 1959 kids put such lame shit in the time capsule? They really half assed it.”
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sexy Changes to Study Abroad
By A Psychotic Clown
With such great interest in the Study Abroad program, the administration at Chapman University has decided to create a new program to accommodate many of the rejected applicants. "The new sub-program will have no traveling involved at all," remarked Samantha Peters of the Global Study office. "We have decided to name the new program 'Study aBroad.' The new program will be a great way for socially awkward and nerdy teenagers to learn more about the opposite sex in a much more practical, hands-on learning environment."
The classes offered will all be part of the newly-formed (and Chapman-exclusive major) titled Stalking (STLK). Classes are said to include STLK-201, "For Me to Know and You to Find Out," which is the stalking and retrieving of information of an underclass girl while she is left unaware of the student's existence. The upper division equivalent of STLK-402 will also be available. Online classes will also be available to students including STLK-169, "Finding Love without in-Person Encounters."
"I've always been bad at talking to girls. They're pretty. I like them. But I get nervous," stated Freshman Jimmy Sanger. "These classes will no doubt improve my understanding of the female mind and 'bangability.'" The administration is proud to have created the first Stalking major and is confident in the success of the program. "The classes are rigorous, yet rewarding. Chapman University will become a much friendlier campus with the presence of many Stalker majors."
With such great interest in the Study Abroad program, the administration at Chapman University has decided to create a new program to accommodate many of the rejected applicants. "The new sub-program will have no traveling involved at all," remarked Samantha Peters of the Global Study office. "We have decided to name the new program 'Study aBroad.' The new program will be a great way for socially awkward and nerdy teenagers to learn more about the opposite sex in a much more practical, hands-on learning environment."
The classes offered will all be part of the newly-formed (and Chapman-exclusive major) titled Stalking (STLK). Classes are said to include STLK-201, "For Me to Know and You to Find Out," which is the stalking and retrieving of information of an underclass girl while she is left unaware of the student's existence. The upper division equivalent of STLK-402 will also be available. Online classes will also be available to students including STLK-169, "Finding Love without in-Person Encounters."
"I've always been bad at talking to girls. They're pretty. I like them. But I get nervous," stated Freshman Jimmy Sanger. "These classes will no doubt improve my understanding of the female mind and 'bangability.'" The administration is proud to have created the first Stalking major and is confident in the success of the program. "The classes are rigorous, yet rewarding. Chapman University will become a much friendlier campus with the presence of many Stalker majors."
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
RETRACTION
By The Daily Chapman Staff
The Daily Chapman Staff, in a surprise move, is retracting every single article they’ve ever written.
Upon reading this week's Panther piece withdrawing support from a fabricated article concerning athletic trainers, the Daily Chapman staff had an emergency meeting to ensure its own journalistic integrity.
Says John Curte, Staff Writer, "The results, frankly, were appalling."
According to early estimates, it seems that 99.31415% of Daily Chapman articles contain fabricated quotes, fabricated students, and (most worrying) fabricated statistics.
For an example, on March 21, 2009 the Daily Chapman reported the story Chapman Begins Handicapping Students to Provide More Parking. Further analysis of this story provides the following:
1) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of Wilhelm McGeebees.
2) Public safety has never wielded sledgehammers against students. Only golf clubs.
3) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of Millhouse Weston.
4) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of "One of the Hooded Figures".
5) There was no survey conducted at Chapman concerning parking, and this fictional survey did not conclude that parking is, "a real ass pain."
6) There is no Director of Accounting named Bill Martin.
7) Ipso facto, Bill Martin did not give us any real quotes.
8) President Doti was said to have "no comment" on the issue. In fact, President Doti was not asked for comment on the issue.
9) The Daily Chapman was indeed not accepting cards and donations for William P. Blackwell, but rather was only accepting donations to fuel their alcoholism and throwing all received cards in a large dumpster.
With such a long list of errors, it makes one wonder whether the author, Grand Master Koses (Patron Saint of Angus Beef) even exists, let alone proofreads his articles.
We at the Daily Chapman regret the last four months of journalistic deception, and promise heretofore to loosen our standards on journalistic integrity and fact-checking. With your continued support and help, we can help insure that 100% of our articles are completely full of made-up bullshit.
Thank you, faithful readers.
Contact the editor at: admin@dailychapman.com
The Daily Chapman Staff, in a surprise move, is retracting every single article they’ve ever written.
Upon reading this week's Panther piece withdrawing support from a fabricated article concerning athletic trainers, the Daily Chapman staff had an emergency meeting to ensure its own journalistic integrity.
Says John Curte, Staff Writer, "The results, frankly, were appalling."
According to early estimates, it seems that 99.31415% of Daily Chapman articles contain fabricated quotes, fabricated students, and (most worrying) fabricated statistics.
For an example, on March 21, 2009 the Daily Chapman reported the story Chapman Begins Handicapping Students to Provide More Parking. Further analysis of this story provides the following:
1) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of Wilhelm McGeebees.
2) Public safety has never wielded sledgehammers against students. Only golf clubs.
3) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of Millhouse Weston.
4) There is no student enrolled at Chapman by the name of "One of the Hooded Figures".
5) There was no survey conducted at Chapman concerning parking, and this fictional survey did not conclude that parking is, "a real ass pain."
6) There is no Director of Accounting named Bill Martin.
7) Ipso facto, Bill Martin did not give us any real quotes.
8) President Doti was said to have "no comment" on the issue. In fact, President Doti was not asked for comment on the issue.
9) The Daily Chapman was indeed not accepting cards and donations for William P. Blackwell, but rather was only accepting donations to fuel their alcoholism and throwing all received cards in a large dumpster.
With such a long list of errors, it makes one wonder whether the author, Grand Master Koses (Patron Saint of Angus Beef) even exists, let alone proofreads his articles.
We at the Daily Chapman regret the last four months of journalistic deception, and promise heretofore to loosen our standards on journalistic integrity and fact-checking. With your continued support and help, we can help insure that 100% of our articles are completely full of made-up bullshit.
Thank you, faithful readers.
Contact the editor at: admin@dailychapman.com
Monday, May 11, 2009
Editorial: Every New Beginning...
By Alan Wortwick
It's sad times we're entering, friends. Until now, only members of the Daily Chapman staff knew that at the end of this year, I would be taking a leave of absence from the Editor-in-Chef position at the Daily Chapman. In the fall I will be studying abroad in Spain, and thus I will not be able to fulfill the duties I have henceforth fulfilled.
It's been a long, sometimes rocky semester of reporting, and I want to thank all of you for coming along for the ride. I have had no greater honor in life than when I did five keg-stands in one night, but being Editor-in-Chef is probably a close second. It has been fun, bringing attention to some important (and not-so-important) events and problems at Chapman.
I'm excited for some of the things the staff has in store for next year, including a new website and other fun goodies. They'll have more to say about that in the coming months, and I hope all of you will remain faithful readers even after my departure. They'll also be recruiting for staff in the fall to fill some important positions (such as my own) so be on the lookout for that.
I also promise that if they fuck everything up I'll be back in spring of 2010 to kick some asses, have copious amounts of sex, and drink too much alcohol with all of you at Chapman.
Until then, good riddance Panthers.
Indubitably,
Alan Wortwick
Editor-in-Chef
The Daily Chapman
It's sad times we're entering, friends. Until now, only members of the Daily Chapman staff knew that at the end of this year, I would be taking a leave of absence from the Editor-in-Chef position at the Daily Chapman. In the fall I will be studying abroad in Spain, and thus I will not be able to fulfill the duties I have henceforth fulfilled.
It's been a long, sometimes rocky semester of reporting, and I want to thank all of you for coming along for the ride. I have had no greater honor in life than when I did five keg-stands in one night, but being Editor-in-Chef is probably a close second. It has been fun, bringing attention to some important (and not-so-important) events and problems at Chapman.
I'm excited for some of the things the staff has in store for next year, including a new website and other fun goodies. They'll have more to say about that in the coming months, and I hope all of you will remain faithful readers even after my departure. They'll also be recruiting for staff in the fall to fill some important positions (such as my own) so be on the lookout for that.
I also promise that if they fuck everything up I'll be back in spring of 2010 to kick some asses, have copious amounts of sex, and drink too much alcohol with all of you at Chapman.
Until then, good riddance Panthers.
Indubitably,
Alan Wortwick
Editor-in-Chef
The Daily Chapman
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Daily Chapman Switches Focus From Satire to Legal Disclaimers
by a Unicorn named Wil Gieseler (Daily Chapman Reader / Asshole)
[Note: The opinions, commentaries and views expressed in the following article are those of its respective author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain, or anyone who claims to maintain this or any other domain. These views also should not be attributed to anyone at all, if that’s possible, so that we can cover our ass in every way possible. Just pretend that a unicorn did it, because those don’t exist. No one would sue a unicorn, except maybe John Yoo. Please note that John Yoo is not affiliated with the Daily Chapman, despite the fact that neither party knows anything about legal matters. The Daily Chapman is organized on a system of public submission and the majority of authors' work is not altered from its original form, except in corrections of spelling and grammar. We have no testicles, and we hope you understand.]
After a few solid months of offering satirical news articles about Chapman University, the Daily Chapman announced today that legal disclaimers would comprise the majority of their content by the end of March.
“We’re huge poons,” said Editor-in-Chef* Alan Wortwick** in a press conference. “Unfortunately no one in our office has enough balls to post satirical news without denoting each satirical thing.”
This effort is being spearheaded*** by the Vice President in Charge of Ass-Covering, Stanley Wheresmysack. Wheresmysack had this to say: “We think it is more important to ensure that we are not responsible for the articles we write than it is to write them, or write them well. We feel that this new direction emphasizes better what we have been doing for the last few months.”
“You could see the writing on the wall****”, said sophomore Jeremy Olson, “the article quality has been declining for months, and now most of the articles are about the level of intoxication of the editorial staff, or about the Daily Chapman itself, or lame attempts at actual journalism*****.”
The Daily Chapman also announced a future roadmap for ass-covering includes changing their name to “The Dickless Chapman” and tiling the background image of the website with the word “satire” in large, red letters.
* The Daily Chapman, Alan Wortwick**, and its affiliates make no claim to have completed culinary courses of any kind.
** The Daily Chapman admits that because of the irregular parody-to-fact ratio of the publication, no one remembers whether Alan Wortwick is a real person.
*** The Daily Chapman takes Native American affairs very seriously, and this comment should not be construed to imply that Native Americans still use spearheads, arrowheads, or any other form of primitive weapon, nor to say that Native Americans are in any way inferior to other races.
**** The Daily Chapman does not endorse the graffiti arts, or art of any kind. In fact we don’t endorse or support anything, including our own integrity.
***** The Daily Chapman is not affiliated with asterisks.
******This article did not receive the approval of the Editor-In-Chief, however, his staff overruled him. This has been published purely because everyone who works at The Daily Chapman is an asshole (you know who you are.)
[Note: The opinions, commentaries and views expressed in the following article are those of its respective author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, The Daily Chapman or the owners and maintainers of this domain, or anyone who claims to maintain this or any other domain. These views also should not be attributed to anyone at all, if that’s possible, so that we can cover our ass in every way possible. Just pretend that a unicorn did it, because those don’t exist. No one would sue a unicorn, except maybe John Yoo. Please note that John Yoo is not affiliated with the Daily Chapman, despite the fact that neither party knows anything about legal matters. The Daily Chapman is organized on a system of public submission and the majority of authors' work is not altered from its original form, except in corrections of spelling and grammar. We have no testicles, and we hope you understand.]
After a few solid months of offering satirical news articles about Chapman University, the Daily Chapman announced today that legal disclaimers would comprise the majority of their content by the end of March.
“We’re huge poons,” said Editor-in-Chef* Alan Wortwick** in a press conference. “Unfortunately no one in our office has enough balls to post satirical news without denoting each satirical thing.”
This effort is being spearheaded*** by the Vice President in Charge of Ass-Covering, Stanley Wheresmysack. Wheresmysack had this to say: “We think it is more important to ensure that we are not responsible for the articles we write than it is to write them, or write them well. We feel that this new direction emphasizes better what we have been doing for the last few months.”
“You could see the writing on the wall****”, said sophomore Jeremy Olson, “the article quality has been declining for months, and now most of the articles are about the level of intoxication of the editorial staff, or about the Daily Chapman itself, or lame attempts at actual journalism*****.”
The Daily Chapman also announced a future roadmap for ass-covering includes changing their name to “The Dickless Chapman” and tiling the background image of the website with the word “satire” in large, red letters.
* The Daily Chapman, Alan Wortwick**, and its affiliates make no claim to have completed culinary courses of any kind.
** The Daily Chapman admits that because of the irregular parody-to-fact ratio of the publication, no one remembers whether Alan Wortwick is a real person.
*** The Daily Chapman takes Native American affairs very seriously, and this comment should not be construed to imply that Native Americans still use spearheads, arrowheads, or any other form of primitive weapon, nor to say that Native Americans are in any way inferior to other races.
**** The Daily Chapman does not endorse the graffiti arts, or art of any kind. In fact we don’t endorse or support anything, including our own integrity.
***** The Daily Chapman is not affiliated with asterisks.
******This article did not receive the approval of the Editor-In-Chief, however, his staff overruled him. This has been published purely because everyone who works at The Daily Chapman is an asshole (you know who you are.)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Ball Ball Named Event of the Year
By One Tired Motherfucker
Ball Ball was named Event of the Year by a commission of drunken students on Thursday night who won't remember the event took place the next day when they see the photos they were tagged in.
"Great success," said Alan Wortwick in a terrible Borat impression when he was asked for comment. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a house to break."
More as this develops.
Ball Ball was named Event of the Year by a commission of drunken students on Thursday night who won't remember the event took place the next day when they see the photos they were tagged in.
"Great success," said Alan Wortwick in a terrible Borat impression when he was asked for comment. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a house to break."
More as this develops.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
BREAKING NEWS: We're Totally Fucked
By Daily Chapman Health Correspondent Dr. Peter Yeltzin
Oh shit. Oh holy fucking shit. The swine flu has officially arrived in California, and we're all going to motherfucking die. Make peace with whatever gods you pray to, because your souls are about to be judged. I'm talking death and destruction of biblical proportions.
Swine flu is a virus caused by being near pigs or infected people. Its symptoms are simple. At first you may not know you have it. Then, that same day or up to three years later, you get a fever. The fever gets progressively worse, and once you find yourself bedridden, your insides are slowly eaten away. As you gradually turn to liquid, you begin to bleed from every orifice until you begin to uncontrollably projectile vomit blood. Eventually your body decides it's done, and your anus rips open with a sound akin to a wet bed sheet tearing apart and your body empties itself of every organ that once allowed you to cling to life.
Does that sound bad? Holy fuck! I almost threw up writing that, and I'm a doctor! I hope you're wearing a hazmat suit right now. If you aren't, don't bother getting one: You already have swine flu, and are going to die slowly and painfully. The Chapman Health Center has declared a code nine emergency, meaning that the sick and the poor are to be quarantined in the Morlan area. Do not under any circumstances approach the area, no matter what you hear.
Oh, and don't think that locking yourself away in a building is going to save your ass. Swine flu is a tough motherfucker. If it wants, it can eat through goddamned walls. It will shove itself into your body and make you its bitch. As a doctor, my recommendation is immediate suicide. Before you do, it would be wise to update your will to include me. After all, I'm saving you from days of agony by giving you this advice.
Oh shit. Oh holy fucking shit. The swine flu has officially arrived in California, and we're all going to motherfucking die. Make peace with whatever gods you pray to, because your souls are about to be judged. I'm talking death and destruction of biblical proportions.
Swine flu is a virus caused by being near pigs or infected people. Its symptoms are simple. At first you may not know you have it. Then, that same day or up to three years later, you get a fever. The fever gets progressively worse, and once you find yourself bedridden, your insides are slowly eaten away. As you gradually turn to liquid, you begin to bleed from every orifice until you begin to uncontrollably projectile vomit blood. Eventually your body decides it's done, and your anus rips open with a sound akin to a wet bed sheet tearing apart and your body empties itself of every organ that once allowed you to cling to life.
Does that sound bad? Holy fuck! I almost threw up writing that, and I'm a doctor! I hope you're wearing a hazmat suit right now. If you aren't, don't bother getting one: You already have swine flu, and are going to die slowly and painfully. The Chapman Health Center has declared a code nine emergency, meaning that the sick and the poor are to be quarantined in the Morlan area. Do not under any circumstances approach the area, no matter what you hear.
Oh, and don't think that locking yourself away in a building is going to save your ass. Swine flu is a tough motherfucker. If it wants, it can eat through goddamned walls. It will shove itself into your body and make you its bitch. As a doctor, my recommendation is immediate suicide. Before you do, it would be wise to update your will to include me. After all, I'm saving you from days of agony by giving you this advice.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN: The Top Two Reasons Dean Jerry Price Kicks Ass [Factual]
by the student body
1. This Wednesday, Dean Jerry Price is DJing lunch on Argyros Patio at 12:oo pm for ChapmanRadio.com's Eat To The Beat.
2. Check out this picture:
Amazing. Truly Amazing.
1. This Wednesday, Dean Jerry Price is DJing lunch on Argyros Patio at 12:oo pm for ChapmanRadio.com's Eat To The Beat.
2. Check out this picture:
Amazing. Truly Amazing.
Chapman Introduces New Slave-Based Laundry System
by a Series of Uncommon Wallabies
Based on overwhelmingly negative student feedback for the second year in a row, Chapman plans to again revamp its laundry systems by introducing an assembly line of washing slaves for all on campus laundry beginning in the fall of 2009. The new contractors, CSA Services, plans to accept both bartered agricultural goods and Confederate currency, a policy that Chapman administrators offers double the options of 2008-2009’s cash only laundry service and will undoubtedly reduce student complains.
“These slaves work hard,” Director of Student Life Ally Smith said. “CSA Services is going to keep them well-fed and whipped so they won’t break down like those old laundry machines. And it might take a few minutes longer to get a load done, but finally there’s human accountability when your favorite blouse shrinks.”
The change is not without controversy, however. The new policy is rumored to increase the washing time for a standard load from 1 ½ to 5 hours and increase price from $2.10 to 100 Confederate dollars for slave-administrative services.
CSA officials were quick to offer reassurances to a student population upset about another increase in prices on laundry that is already taxed for every load. “Many people think ‘slave labor’ and imagine ‘free’, but in fact this is an unfortunate misconception,” a CSA executive wrote in an editorial for The Panther. “First, we have to buy the slaves. And they aren’t going to keep themselves illiterate. We understand that the price is rising, but an inferior service is always going to cost less; now your money is buying 400 years of careful breeding—not to mention spotless jeans. We, along with the Chapman administrators, are confident that this new service will alleviate the complaints that were cited most often in this year’s laundry survey.”
Other Chapman students responded optimistically to the change. “I spent $250 on this sh*t at Fashion Island, ok?” Sophomore Mary Jones said, gesturing to her shirt. “And I am not going to just throw it in some ugly machine. Now I can finally have it hand washed while I do my nails.” Still others seemed indifferent, as previous laundry systems have already caused them to pursue alternative methods of wardrobe-renewal. “Whenever all my clothes get dirty I just steal a new outfit from homeless kids,” Sophomore Michael Franklin said. “It’s just as convenient as paying $2.50 just to take out money from the only ATM on campus so I can pay for cash-only laundry services, and a lot more fun.”
In other news, Michael Franklin no longer has any friends. More on this as it develops.
Based on overwhelmingly negative student feedback for the second year in a row, Chapman plans to again revamp its laundry systems by introducing an assembly line of washing slaves for all on campus laundry beginning in the fall of 2009. The new contractors, CSA Services, plans to accept both bartered agricultural goods and Confederate currency, a policy that Chapman administrators offers double the options of 2008-2009’s cash only laundry service and will undoubtedly reduce student complains.
“These slaves work hard,” Director of Student Life Ally Smith said. “CSA Services is going to keep them well-fed and whipped so they won’t break down like those old laundry machines. And it might take a few minutes longer to get a load done, but finally there’s human accountability when your favorite blouse shrinks.”
The change is not without controversy, however. The new policy is rumored to increase the washing time for a standard load from 1 ½ to 5 hours and increase price from $2.10 to 100 Confederate dollars for slave-administrative services.
CSA officials were quick to offer reassurances to a student population upset about another increase in prices on laundry that is already taxed for every load. “Many people think ‘slave labor’ and imagine ‘free’, but in fact this is an unfortunate misconception,” a CSA executive wrote in an editorial for The Panther. “First, we have to buy the slaves. And they aren’t going to keep themselves illiterate. We understand that the price is rising, but an inferior service is always going to cost less; now your money is buying 400 years of careful breeding—not to mention spotless jeans. We, along with the Chapman administrators, are confident that this new service will alleviate the complaints that were cited most often in this year’s laundry survey.”
Other Chapman students responded optimistically to the change. “I spent $250 on this sh*t at Fashion Island, ok?” Sophomore Mary Jones said, gesturing to her shirt. “And I am not going to just throw it in some ugly machine. Now I can finally have it hand washed while I do my nails.” Still others seemed indifferent, as previous laundry systems have already caused them to pursue alternative methods of wardrobe-renewal. “Whenever all my clothes get dirty I just steal a new outfit from homeless kids,” Sophomore Michael Franklin said. “It’s just as convenient as paying $2.50 just to take out money from the only ATM on campus so I can pay for cash-only laundry services, and a lot more fun.”
In other news, Michael Franklin no longer has any friends. More on this as it develops.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Dodge Class of 2013 Already Obnoxious, Pretentious
By Editor-in-Chef Alan Wortwick
Dodge College Class of 2013 and Film Production Class of 2013 have created their own Facebook groups. This event has left next year's seniors and juniors sighing in dismay, and next year's sophomores wondering, "Were we that bad a year ago?"
Future freshman Mandy Artill "knows that next year will be amazing!!!!" She is "totes going to be friends with all the people she's met on [the Facebook group]!!!!" Current freshman John C. Calhoun didn't have the heart to tell her that soon after entering college she will join a sorority (presumably) and slowly but surely delete all of the people she is currently talking to from her friends list. Then, after drinking away her first semester, she will become pregnant and drop out of school. Such is the way at Chapman University.
Another future freshman, Mark Davis, says he "really enjoyed Memento and The Godfather, but found Citizen Kane a bit too blasé for [his] tastes." His profile picture depicts him holding a movie camera while wearing a flannel shirt and beret, and smoking a cigarette.
Current sophomore film production student Kalvin Koolidge was asked to weigh in with his opinion. "It's just so cliché. It's like, 'Oh man, another film student who thought that Memento and The Godfather were good movies?' Come on, give me a break."
Current junior George Wallace agrees. "We all know that the movie you're most looking forward to this summer is Transformers 2 and that you have a shrine built to Michael Bay in your closet. Most of you probably don't even know what Citizen Kane is really about. Why? Because that's how we are too. We just don't need to hide it."
Not to be discouraged, however, Jane Krote (another future freshman) had the following to contribute: "I am so glad that you guys liked The Godfather! I want to make a movie just like that when I am at Dodge!!!" We at the Daily Chapman hope that Jane is aware of the fact that her first year will be spent making exhilarating films such as This Film Was Obviously Made With a Sony Handicam and Atrocious: THE SEQUEL to 'This Film Was Obviously Made With a Sony Handicam' – Now with more audio problems and terrible acting!
If not…God help us all.
Dodge College Class of 2013 and Film Production Class of 2013 have created their own Facebook groups. This event has left next year's seniors and juniors sighing in dismay, and next year's sophomores wondering, "Were we that bad a year ago?"
Future freshman Mandy Artill "knows that next year will be amazing!!!!" She is "totes going to be friends with all the people she's met on [the Facebook group]!!!!" Current freshman John C. Calhoun didn't have the heart to tell her that soon after entering college she will join a sorority (presumably) and slowly but surely delete all of the people she is currently talking to from her friends list. Then, after drinking away her first semester, she will become pregnant and drop out of school. Such is the way at Chapman University.
Another future freshman, Mark Davis, says he "really enjoyed Memento and The Godfather, but found Citizen Kane a bit too blasé for [his] tastes." His profile picture depicts him holding a movie camera while wearing a flannel shirt and beret, and smoking a cigarette.
Current sophomore film production student Kalvin Koolidge was asked to weigh in with his opinion. "It's just so cliché. It's like, 'Oh man, another film student who thought that Memento and The Godfather were good movies?' Come on, give me a break."
Current junior George Wallace agrees. "We all know that the movie you're most looking forward to this summer is Transformers 2 and that you have a shrine built to Michael Bay in your closet. Most of you probably don't even know what Citizen Kane is really about. Why? Because that's how we are too. We just don't need to hide it."
Not to be discouraged, however, Jane Krote (another future freshman) had the following to contribute: "I am so glad that you guys liked The Godfather! I want to make a movie just like that when I am at Dodge!!!" We at the Daily Chapman hope that Jane is aware of the fact that her first year will be spent making exhilarating films such as This Film Was Obviously Made With a Sony Handicam and Atrocious: THE SEQUEL to 'This Film Was Obviously Made With a Sony Handicam' – Now with more audio problems and terrible acting!
If not…God help us all.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Campus Republicans Reconsider Stance On Their Sexuality
By A Literate Snail
Yesterday, multiple Chapman Facebook users were invited to a College Republicans event entitled "Republican Coming Out Day". To date, it would appear that some 39 Republicans plan to “come out” with fellow students of similar beliefs. If all attend, it would become the largest exclusive coming out of any intolerant group since the Conservatory of Music’s Tribute to Liberace last Fall.
“We want to be able to express our sexuality,” said Republican Aaron Smith. “But we don’t want to do it with just anybody. We want to only be with people who have lots of money and very little heart.”
The event, according to planner Peter Gayne, will begin with a tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who is known as the first openly homosexual president due to his love for “his Lincoln Logs” and will be shortly followed by a presentation of what Gayne calls his “Star Spangled Boner”, which will be raised out of respect for all of those sexy men lost in the Iraq War over the last year. Although rumor speculates that the event will be followed by a large orgy, Gayne denies these claims by cocking his shotgun and saying, “Orgies are something that only those goddamn dirty, liberal, son-of-a-bitch hippies do.”
College Democrats gathered in an emergency meeting yesterday to discuss reactionary procedures in light of this gay love. “I fear they’ll target the poor next,” said Audra Wellington of College Democrats. “It’s really the only minority that doesn’t have enough money to properly legislate for their own rights and thus the perfect target for the stubborn and unfeeling.” Many College Democrats are expected to start wasting their hard earned money on pointless endeavors to show their support for the poor in this time of need.
In other news, College Apathetics still don’t give a fuck.
Yesterday, multiple Chapman Facebook users were invited to a College Republicans event entitled "Republican Coming Out Day". To date, it would appear that some 39 Republicans plan to “come out” with fellow students of similar beliefs. If all attend, it would become the largest exclusive coming out of any intolerant group since the Conservatory of Music’s Tribute to Liberace last Fall.
“We want to be able to express our sexuality,” said Republican Aaron Smith. “But we don’t want to do it with just anybody. We want to only be with people who have lots of money and very little heart.”
The event, according to planner Peter Gayne, will begin with a tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who is known as the first openly homosexual president due to his love for “his Lincoln Logs” and will be shortly followed by a presentation of what Gayne calls his “Star Spangled Boner”, which will be raised out of respect for all of those sexy men lost in the Iraq War over the last year. Although rumor speculates that the event will be followed by a large orgy, Gayne denies these claims by cocking his shotgun and saying, “Orgies are something that only those goddamn dirty, liberal, son-of-a-bitch hippies do.”
College Democrats gathered in an emergency meeting yesterday to discuss reactionary procedures in light of this gay love. “I fear they’ll target the poor next,” said Audra Wellington of College Democrats. “It’s really the only minority that doesn’t have enough money to properly legislate for their own rights and thus the perfect target for the stubborn and unfeeling.” Many College Democrats are expected to start wasting their hard earned money on pointless endeavors to show their support for the poor in this time of need.
In other news, College Apathetics still don’t give a fuck.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Nico Monetti Wins Daily Chapman Competition
By Nico Monetti, Supreme Galactic Winner of Write to the Death
Yesterday sophomore screenwriting major Nico Monetti was crowned winner of a promotional competition put on by The Daily Chapman.
“I’ve got to say I saw this coming,” responded Monetti. “I’m very talented.”
Monetti’s extensive writing experience paired with his biting wit and wide vocabulary helped to propel his entry above those of the hundreds of competing applicants.
“I’d like to tell you it was an incredibly difficult decision to make but if I did it would make me a lying doo-doo McNally,” asserted Daily Chapman editor-in-chief Jeremiah Buckenover. “Nico Monetti’s entry stood head and shoulders above all the other entries. Kid’s simply phenom[enal].”
Monetti started his journalistic career his freshman year of college at Azusa Pacific University where, after submitting an opinion piece to the school paper, he was asked to come on as a staff writer. Despite having never taken a journalism class in his life, and not knowing how to read, and being illiterate, Monetti’s articles were published weekly to great acclaim.
“[Nico] is, excuse the language, but hands-down the most…talented, driven writer I have ever encountered,” remarked one Chapman teacher who wished to remain anonymous.
When asked if he would consider writing more articles for the Daily Chapman, Monetti simply winked and everyone in the room climaxed. Also, Monetti has a huge cock.
Yesterday sophomore screenwriting major Nico Monetti was crowned winner of a promotional competition put on by The Daily Chapman.
“I’ve got to say I saw this coming,” responded Monetti. “I’m very talented.”
Monetti’s extensive writing experience paired with his biting wit and wide vocabulary helped to propel his entry above those of the hundreds of competing applicants.
“I’d like to tell you it was an incredibly difficult decision to make but if I did it would make me a lying doo-doo McNally,” asserted Daily Chapman editor-in-chief Jeremiah Buckenover. “Nico Monetti’s entry stood head and shoulders above all the other entries. Kid’s simply phenom[enal].”
Monetti started his journalistic career his freshman year of college at Azusa Pacific University where, after submitting an opinion piece to the school paper, he was asked to come on as a staff writer. Despite having never taken a journalism class in his life, and not knowing how to read, and being illiterate, Monetti’s articles were published weekly to great acclaim.
“[Nico] is, excuse the language, but hands-down the most…talented, driven writer I have ever encountered,” remarked one Chapman teacher who wished to remain anonymous.
When asked if he would consider writing more articles for the Daily Chapman, Monetti simply winked and everyone in the room climaxed. Also, Monetti has a huge cock.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Law Students Claim Yoo’s Class is “Torture”
By Nico Monetti, Supreme Galactic Winner of Write to the Death
Controversy was again sparked Tuesday on Chapman soil as more and more law students came forward to complain that newly hired law professor John Yoo’s teaching methods are immoral.
“Professor Yoo’s class is torture!” complained Bob Zubayadah while drying his (for some reason) soaked face with paper towels.
Yoo was recently hired by Chapman University because of his extensive legal experience and funny name, which prompts endless jokes around campus. “The other day I went around telling people, ‘I saw a picture of Yoo on the cover of the New York Times,’” remarked freshman Political Science major (and jokester) Pierre Mammone. “When [people] realized how clever I was they giggled and/or high-fived me."
Despite a charismatic appearance, intelligible demeanor and entertaining name, Yoo’s teaching methods have caused great upset in the Chapman community. While some consider Yoo’s extreme teaching methods as an effective means of challenging students to reach their full potential, others deem them unconstitutional and barbaric.
“Today Professor Yoo made me stand in front of the class in my underwear while drilling me with questions,” confessed one still-shaken-up student who asked to remain anonymous. “If you don’t give him the information he wants, he tortures you. I resorted to just saying whatever came to mind to get him to stop hurting my feelings.”
Reports indicate that Professor Yoo’s controversial in-class "information-gathering" methods range from poking fun at student’s religious beliefs to slamming their heads repeatedly into walls.
“One time [Professor Yoo] put ear-buds in my ear and made me listen to a Cher CD on repeat while smashing my balls with a ruler,” asserted Senior Pre-Law major Aaron Geesler. “If that’s not torture, what the fuck is?”
Many in the Chapman community are divided on whether the fruitfully high test scores brought about by Yoo’s extreme measures are worth the allowance of morally dubious teaching methods.
“Yoo tired of having to explain Yoo’s-self,” began Yoo. “Yoo do not torture students…Yoo challenge students. Yoo get paid lot of money to turn white people into future legal muscle of nation. Yoo do what Yoo have to do to get the information Yoo need out of Yoo’s students.”
Streams of protesters are making a habit of congregating outside the Chapman law school to protest Yoo’s extreme teaching habits. “I take time out of my busy schedule as a stay-at-home father [every] week to come down here and hold up this sign I made,” remarked one protestor. “See here, it says Boo Yoo!”
When confronted on the matter, a beaming President Doti asked, “Another story about Yoo?” He then sat in his giant rotating desk chair, held his hands together in a praying gesture and laughed maniacally while repeatedly saying, “Excellent.”
Congratulations to Nico for winning the Write to the Death competition, and thanks to all of you who came to our event tonight. Alan Wortwick apologises for not being able to come and meet you in person -- he is currently laid up at home with Swine Herpes. Don't ask.
Controversy was again sparked Tuesday on Chapman soil as more and more law students came forward to complain that newly hired law professor John Yoo’s teaching methods are immoral.
“Professor Yoo’s class is torture!” complained Bob Zubayadah while drying his (for some reason) soaked face with paper towels.
Yoo was recently hired by Chapman University because of his extensive legal experience and funny name, which prompts endless jokes around campus. “The other day I went around telling people, ‘I saw a picture of Yoo on the cover of the New York Times,’” remarked freshman Political Science major (and jokester) Pierre Mammone. “When [people] realized how clever I was they giggled and/or high-fived me."
Despite a charismatic appearance, intelligible demeanor and entertaining name, Yoo’s teaching methods have caused great upset in the Chapman community. While some consider Yoo’s extreme teaching methods as an effective means of challenging students to reach their full potential, others deem them unconstitutional and barbaric.
“Today Professor Yoo made me stand in front of the class in my underwear while drilling me with questions,” confessed one still-shaken-up student who asked to remain anonymous. “If you don’t give him the information he wants, he tortures you. I resorted to just saying whatever came to mind to get him to stop hurting my feelings.”
Reports indicate that Professor Yoo’s controversial in-class "information-gathering" methods range from poking fun at student’s religious beliefs to slamming their heads repeatedly into walls.
“One time [Professor Yoo] put ear-buds in my ear and made me listen to a Cher CD on repeat while smashing my balls with a ruler,” asserted Senior Pre-Law major Aaron Geesler. “If that’s not torture, what the fuck is?”
Many in the Chapman community are divided on whether the fruitfully high test scores brought about by Yoo’s extreme measures are worth the allowance of morally dubious teaching methods.
“Yoo tired of having to explain Yoo’s-self,” began Yoo. “Yoo do not torture students…Yoo challenge students. Yoo get paid lot of money to turn white people into future legal muscle of nation. Yoo do what Yoo have to do to get the information Yoo need out of Yoo’s students.”
Streams of protesters are making a habit of congregating outside the Chapman law school to protest Yoo’s extreme teaching habits. “I take time out of my busy schedule as a stay-at-home father [every] week to come down here and hold up this sign I made,” remarked one protestor. “See here, it says Boo Yoo!”
When confronted on the matter, a beaming President Doti asked, “Another story about Yoo?” He then sat in his giant rotating desk chair, held his hands together in a praying gesture and laughed maniacally while repeatedly saying, “Excellent.”
Congratulations to Nico for winning the Write to the Death competition, and thanks to all of you who came to our event tonight. Alan Wortwick apologises for not being able to come and meet you in person -- he is currently laid up at home with Swine Herpes. Don't ask.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)