By That Issue of "Penthouse" You've Hidden In Your Sock Drawer Since You Were 12
Reports are in that Chapman student Jordan Cahill, 19, is totally fucking sick of his parents and hates being home in his dumpy-ass little town in the most ass-backwards part of America ever. Cahill, who grew up in a rural town in Montana, tells Daily Chapman reporters that he has lived most of his life under the draconian heels of his parents (Jack and Monica Cahill, respectively 47 and 45).
"It's horrible being back home," said Cahill at a house party thrown by an old high-school friend from across town. "Whenever I get home, my mom's always like, 'Hi, honey, how was your day?' and 'Try to be home before midnight!' I don't get to do anything anymore."
Cahill, who enjoyed his first year at Chapman University soaking up sun and boasting a thriving social life, whilst still managing to chase Percocet with beer on Fridays, has shown his strong spirit through this past, difficult month.
"My dad's the worst, though," said Cahill upon leaving the party, struggling to stay on his feet and continually rubbing his bloodshot eyes. "He won't shut up about how I'm 'Doing the family proud' and 'Showing responsibility by getting an education.' And then he keeps saying that he's gonna get me a car now that I'm home so that I don't have to borrow his. It's like he won't accept that I have my own life now and that it's time for me to make my own decisions!"
As for the town, Cahill says he cannot wait to get back to Orange County, citing that he is thoroughly sick of the rolling green hills around his home and their picturesque beauty, along with the annoyingly blue sky and crisp, clean air. "It makes breathing hurt," says Cahill, quietly.
"This town is dead anyway," Cahill tacked on, after having made plans for another party at another friend's house next week.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Student Celebrates 18 Hours of Sobriety
by an Arnold Palmer with too much Lemonade
Thursday, student Andrew Marcul awoke in Green River, UT, 1,200 miles away from his home in Rochester, Minnesota, after what his friends could only describe as, "the craziest weekend ever." The day marked the first time that Marcul had been sober since the summer began. "I start with a beer and I... well, I don't usually remember falling asleep, but I'd assume I end with a beer, too," Marcul told The Daily Chapman. "To be honest, I don't even remember my name half the time."
Sources told The Daily Chapman that Marcul's group of six young men celebrated their eighteen hour sobriety by a hung over visit to Denny's before promptly returning to drinking in their tent, which was later forcably removed by Utah State Highway Patrol Sector 9.
The Daily Chapman thanks the Utah State Highway Patrol Sector 9 for continually keeping Chapman students out of harm's way. Cheerio, boys!
Thursday, student Andrew Marcul awoke in Green River, UT, 1,200 miles away from his home in Rochester, Minnesota, after what his friends could only describe as, "the craziest weekend ever." The day marked the first time that Marcul had been sober since the summer began. "I start with a beer and I... well, I don't usually remember falling asleep, but I'd assume I end with a beer, too," Marcul told The Daily Chapman. "To be honest, I don't even remember my name half the time."
Sources told The Daily Chapman that Marcul's group of six young men celebrated their eighteen hour sobriety by a hung over visit to Denny's before promptly returning to drinking in their tent, which was later forcably removed by Utah State Highway Patrol Sector 9.
The Daily Chapman thanks the Utah State Highway Patrol Sector 9 for continually keeping Chapman students out of harm's way. Cheerio, boys!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Bad Economy Helping College Prostitutes
By Whoreign Correspondent Mark Richardson
While the recent downturn in the economy has hurt the job prospects of many Chapman and other university students this summer, one sect of the school community is benefiting from the recession: college-aged prostitutes.
In the past, young college-aged prostitutes were likely to command a bit less money than those who were beautiful and in their mid-twenties, due to the perceived "lack of experience" in such fields as oral sex, strip-teasing, and running away in high heels from rapists. They also, due to stereotypes about sexual practices in college, were perceived as "easy", further lowering their rates.
With wallets strapped for cash, however, these teenage prostitutes are seeing a surge in business precisely because of their lower rates. "Nobody can afford better," said Sierra Star, a Chapman student. "I mean, in college I just give this shit away anyways, so getting paid is nice."
Another student, "Chocolate", said "My mom always said do what I love. Well I love sex. Fuck you mom for being a hypocrite and not understanding me. Nobody understands." So vulnerable. So cheap. So many mommy issues. So few qualms about tying you to a bedpost and whipping you while you wear a nurse's outfit. She could be yours, if you brave the dark side-streets of your nearest city.
The Daily Chapman strongly recommends you take advantage of the current recession and all that it has blessed us with.
While the recent downturn in the economy has hurt the job prospects of many Chapman and other university students this summer, one sect of the school community is benefiting from the recession: college-aged prostitutes.
In the past, young college-aged prostitutes were likely to command a bit less money than those who were beautiful and in their mid-twenties, due to the perceived "lack of experience" in such fields as oral sex, strip-teasing, and running away in high heels from rapists. They also, due to stereotypes about sexual practices in college, were perceived as "easy", further lowering their rates.
With wallets strapped for cash, however, these teenage prostitutes are seeing a surge in business precisely because of their lower rates. "Nobody can afford better," said Sierra Star, a Chapman student. "I mean, in college I just give this shit away anyways, so getting paid is nice."
Another student, "Chocolate", said "My mom always said do what I love. Well I love sex. Fuck you mom for being a hypocrite and not understanding me. Nobody understands." So vulnerable. So cheap. So many mommy issues. So few qualms about tying you to a bedpost and whipping you while you wear a nurse's outfit. She could be yours, if you brave the dark side-streets of your nearest city.
The Daily Chapman strongly recommends you take advantage of the current recession and all that it has blessed us with.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Six-Year Relationship Ends After Chapman Student Arrives Early
by Corban Billings, Technical Vaginal Research Association of America
Thursday, many Chapman University students received notification on the popular social networking utility, "Facebook" that the six year relationship between Mitchell Adams, Chapman University Freshman, and Andrea Williamson, Suncook, New Hampshire resident, has now come to a close and that, "Andrea is being a total bitch about it."
The couple had first met in their middle school social sciences class and "were fucking like rabbits most of the way through high school," said mutual friend Jackson Palukovich. However, upon Adams's return from Chapman, he told sources that he was feeling, "sexually frustrated" and "dysfunctional." These feelings led Adams to anxiety in the bedroom and ultimately premature ejaculation.
"We see this with a lot of Chapman Students," says Michael Wilton of the Psychological Counseling Center. "Chapman simply just destroys people's souls to the point where even sincere sex becomes a problem. Like Ms. Williamson, many left-at-home girlfriends are dissatisfied with their returning boyfriend's carelessness and deteriorated sexual drive to the point where a devastating break-up most ensue."
"It was simply unacceptable," Williamson told The Daily Chapman. "The guys who I've been cheating on Mitch with have just been so above his standard. I can't take any more of this."
When questioned, Adams simply remarked, "And to think, I could've been fucking those dumb Chapman sluts this whole time. Goddamnit. Oh well, next year's new freshmen! Ah, yeah!" Adams was not available for further comment as he exploded in a cloud of his own soullessness and dullness.
Williamson, unfortunately, was not able to reconsider her decision to attend Chapman and will be available for the taking in September. She says that she is looking for guys who spike their hair, and only want to talk about beer and action figures and not any of those "I like knowledge boys".
"I think Chapman will be the perfect place for Williamson," said Wilton. "She's the kind of life-crushing, IQ-lowering material that puts Chapman on the map."
Thursday, many Chapman University students received notification on the popular social networking utility, "Facebook" that the six year relationship between Mitchell Adams, Chapman University Freshman, and Andrea Williamson, Suncook, New Hampshire resident, has now come to a close and that, "Andrea is being a total bitch about it."
The couple had first met in their middle school social sciences class and "were fucking like rabbits most of the way through high school," said mutual friend Jackson Palukovich. However, upon Adams's return from Chapman, he told sources that he was feeling, "sexually frustrated" and "dysfunctional." These feelings led Adams to anxiety in the bedroom and ultimately premature ejaculation.
"We see this with a lot of Chapman Students," says Michael Wilton of the Psychological Counseling Center. "Chapman simply just destroys people's souls to the point where even sincere sex becomes a problem. Like Ms. Williamson, many left-at-home girlfriends are dissatisfied with their returning boyfriend's carelessness and deteriorated sexual drive to the point where a devastating break-up most ensue."
"It was simply unacceptable," Williamson told The Daily Chapman. "The guys who I've been cheating on Mitch with have just been so above his standard. I can't take any more of this."
When questioned, Adams simply remarked, "And to think, I could've been fucking those dumb Chapman sluts this whole time. Goddamnit. Oh well, next year's new freshmen! Ah, yeah!" Adams was not available for further comment as he exploded in a cloud of his own soullessness and dullness.
Williamson, unfortunately, was not able to reconsider her decision to attend Chapman and will be available for the taking in September. She says that she is looking for guys who spike their hair, and only want to talk about beer and action figures and not any of those "I like knowledge boys".
"I think Chapman will be the perfect place for Williamson," said Wilton. "She's the kind of life-crushing, IQ-lowering material that puts Chapman on the map."
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