Dodge College Class of 2013 claims MicroFridge "Nice", "Good"

by a jaded upperclassman

In a recent Facebook message sent out to the 65 members of the Dodge College Class of 2013 Facebook Group, incoming Freshman Katie Gill claimed that the MicroFridge, a common dorm room piece of shit, was "nice" and "a good thing to get." Said instance perpetuates the growing fear that the Class of 2013 will take even longer to become as disillusioned and jaded as the classes before it.

"Don't get me wrong, I have faith in the power of stupid people," said Professor Wittims. "However, it is undeniable that it is taking longer and longer for Chapman students to realize that Chapman is simply buttraping their wallets for sport."

"I knew I had made a mistake about the fourth day of orientation," said class of 2010 senior, Adam McGill. "Now I'm so jaded and bored that I can't even begin to think about making a change."

"Chapman is great!" said sophomore Erin VonBrondenhibangloban.

"You see my point," said Wittims.

No word yet as to whether or not this year's freshmen will realize their mistake in time to pull out, but that is what she said.

Henley Hall Bathroom Smells of Rape and Broken Dreams

by Toucan Sam

In spite of the fact that the majority of students are away from Chapman University for the summer, reports continue to pour in that the Henley Hall public women’s restroom still smells of rape and broken dreams. Daily Chapman Investigator Angela Mitchell reports, “I thought I’d just stop off at the restroom before returning to my investigation of what happens on Chapman’s campus when nobody’s watching. I left feeling so despondent that I just couldn’t go on.”

The university administration has recently demanded that Chapman Fraternities make up for all the women’s’ dreams they’ve crushed and lives they’ve destroyed. Adam Palukta of Sigma Phi Omega told The Daily Chapman, “We really do feel bad about it. We’ve already mailed back over four-dozen virginities that we’ve borrowed over the last year. I just hope that the Chapman community can see that we are good guys and that we believe in doing the right thing.”

Measures like these are expected to partially remove the stench of rape in the public restrooms. However, until Chapman officially kicks out that douche bag Steve*, we’re all fucked.


*Steve is a rapist.

Accidental Time Travel at 88 MPH [Factual]

By Marty "Calvin" McFly

Last week (or is it this week?) the staff of the Daily Chapman was traveling west on United States Interstate 70 in a charter bus for their new Community College Lecture Tour, Summer Edition. The tour includes commentary by staff writers Larry Prendergast and Ebe Endocott on varied topics, including whether dinosaurs are really extinct, how many drinks it takes to get the average college slut to have sex with you, and why colleges have so many damn handicap spots.

Upon reaching the border of Colorado and Utah, the bus came upon a large downhill area. The driver tried to brake, but it was too late – the bus hit the mystical 88 miles per hour, catapulting the entire vehicle into a large wormhole.

When asked to describe the experience, Ron Banksman, staff writer, said, "It was very blue." Larry Prendergast described it as, "the worst hangover I've ever had," though this might be the result of his heavy drinking the night before and not strictly the result of the bus flying through the wormhole like ping pong balls at a frat party.

Upon reaching the other side, the staff members hoped for a glorious future in which robots could be used for sex and Jesus had returned riding on the back of Darfur the Whale while shooting cotton candy from his fingertips.

Instead, "We traveled one fucking week into the future. I mean, come on Doc Brown, what the fuck is this shit?" said Prendergast.

And that, readers, is why the Daily Chapman didn't update last week.