Orientation a Success: More Tuition Blown on Useless Shit

By The Weights Missing in the Henley Workout Room

Chapman University is abuzz with new students as it wraps up its orientation week for freshmen and transfers. This year, the Orientation staff feels rewarded knowing that they spent the largest amount of your tuition on important things like multiple varieties of themed t-shirts, inflatable animals, cowboy hats, and other ridiculous plastic shit that nobody actually wants. Orientation Assistant Michael Zhuba is particularly pleased with the massive waste.

“I thought it was awesome that we managed to have three differently themed meals with the exact same food that you were eating yesterday. I felt good knowing that our blow-up animals made a difference when you ate that pesto pasta a second time, you know?”

Another Orientation Assistant, Jennifer Almas, had a more economical breakdown. “As Chapman has raised its tuition costs, who wouldn’t expect them to raise their standards? I thought they really delivered,” Almas said, noting the extra crates full of unused miniature plastic guitars and American flag hats from the parent dinners. “I mean, why the fuck would you come to Chapman if you didn’t get a frog visor with your pizza?”

Daily Chapman Staff: ASSEMBLE!!!!!!

by The Current Management

Welcome freshmen, welcome back sophomores/juniors/seniors. I'm sure a bunch of you are as excited to be back to Chapman as a multiple, drunken barrels of monkeys. I know I am!

Now then, a more serious note to dwell on for just a few seconds.

We here at Daily Chapman are now entering our second semester of being the most absurd news source on campus. We, Daily Chapman staff, work to provide you with the most recent campus news in an entertaining, satirical format. We succeed at entertaining with varying degrees of success; however, in addition to entertaining you our purpose many times is to bring to your attention various issues on campus or at Chapman in general.

We aim to please, but we also aim to help in any small, insignificant way that we can. We who make up Daily Chapman staff are like-minded students who wanted a voice (a real voice) in our community. Feeling like we could make little-to-no difference in the community by confronting a faceless bureaucracy one at a time, a movement was born to craft an organization that could do it for us. That, dear readers, is www.dailychapman.com. We've met with varying degrees of success, but at least we know that Doti and numerous other staff and faculty read the site to see the most recent issues that concern portions of the Chapman community. They might not change these policies, occasionally, but as long as they (and you) are reading the issues, we feel like we're doing enough to keep the site going.

If you didn't exist (friends and enemies both) or perhaps were a rare breed of Selenium-based aliens without access to computers, we would just be a bunch of monkeys throwing our feces around the office. As it is, that's basically what we are anyways.

So then, the point of this rambling speech is two-fold. 1) If you are upset by an article, or feel we are unfair, please tell us. We will respond semi-politely to your complaint, hopefully in a manner that enlightens you on our purpose if it was not clear or just to know that your voice also was heard. If you like the site, just keep coming back. Feel free to leave compliments in the comments too, but don't be a kiss-ass. Nobody likes a kiss-ass. 2) If you would like to fling your feces around an office (in this case, feces means your brilliant thoughts and office means a heretofore-undesignated room somewhere on campus until we maybe find an office of some sort), feel free to join staff. If you'd like to join, all we ask is that you first email admin@dailychapman.com with your name, year (freshman, sophomore, etc.) and why you'd like to join. At this point, you're officially a writer. Write and get published once, twice, maybe three times (depending on the quality of the article) and then we'll ask you a few more questions (such as what you can contribute to staff). Most likely, we'll let you in. We're not too particular about staff, and we can always use more people. We'd love to have some fresh people on staff this semester, so if you think you can make a difference go ahead and apply! Even if you don't want to be on staff, you can just write and submit articles to admin@dailychapman.com. If it's approved, it's posted. It's that easy.

And seriously, flinging your shit around an office is fun.

With love,
The Management
Daily Chapman
www.dailychapman.com
admin@dailychapman.com

Enjoy Your Semester!

Dear friends,

I am off to Spain in a few hours for my semester abroad. I have left Daily Chapman in some very capable, very business-oriented hands, but we still don't have a head honcho, Editor-in-Chef. If you're interested, send an e-mail to the new admin at admin@dailychapman.com. They'll be searching for a few weeks and then let me know while I'm sipping mojitos on the beaches of Conil de la Frontera. Life is rough. I'll be back to blow your minds and borrow your viriginities in December.

Until then, it has been a pleasure serving you and providing you the news. I'm excited to watch where Daily Chapman goes from here. Party on and believe in the power of the magic of Daily Chapman. I love you all and I can't wait to have crazy drunken orgies upon my return.

Love and Kisses,
Alan Wortwick
Benevolent Dictator, DailyChapman.com
awortwick@dailychapman.com

Agora Bookstore Announces New Line of Public Safety Action Figures

by the juggernaut ...bitch

Today, the Agora Bookstore, located in Argyros forum, announced that they would now be manufacturing a new line of Public Safety action figures.

"After the success of selling the Watchmen action figures last year, I have a feeling that these will be a great success," said Agora Bookstore employee Anna Manson. "They look really cool. They have Officer Jerald on that tricycle-segway thing and Captain Pamosa with magical multiplying chin action. They'll absolutely be the first thing on every Chapman student's Christmas list."

On top of the Officer Jerald and Captain Pamosa figures, Agora also announced Officer Mitchellson with super-punching, suit-wearing, taking-job-too-seriously action; Sergeant Weld with built-in intimidating shout sound effects; and Officer Gordo, which is rumored to include the stylish, high-speed, In-line 4 Public Safety 2007 Chevy Malibu, the pride of the Public Safety fleet.

"I think it's pretty awesome," said Captain Pamosa. "My kids have me kicking Captain Kirk's ass. It's really quite the honor."

Agora expects the first shipment to be available by Late September and is already planning an additional line of Chapman Administrator action figures with icons such as President James L. Doti (with tuition-raising, fountain-praising, mountain-climbing action). "The Administrator line may not be available until January 2010," said Product Designer Richard Newsman. "It's taking us a while to get our molds scaled down to adjust for the height difference between say President Doti and Captain Pamosa. We undoubtedly expect them to be bestsellers, regardless of the time of their release."

Look for these and other great products in the Agora Bookstore, where you can find 1,000 shirts that look like the same Chapman shirt you bought when you first got here.

Chapman Unveils the New Chapman.edu

by a smallish, slightly disgruntled, rodent

Sometime over the course of the last week, Chapman University unveiled it's most recent attempt to make things look better than they actually are by launching an "all-new", "totally re-designed" Chapman.edu website. This brilliant looking website is attractive and includes new flashy pictures on the homepage.

However, Daily Chapman investigators have determined that the website still includes, "the same old shit that is just as difficult and convoluted to find at as it was before."

"We were really aiming for the flashy pictures," said Director of Marketing, Dr. Adam Fraser. "The type of student who attends Chapman really isn't interested in information and knowledge, but is more concerned with how superficially attractive and shiny something is. This new website accomplishes both and no one had to re-write anything on the pages themselves. I really think that this $120,000 project will increase enrollment and continue to fund our various fountains and other construction projects."

"I was mesmerized literally for hours," said prospective student Charlene DiMaggio. "Chapman looks so beautiful! I can't wait to sell my soul to a sorority and be poor trying to pay off college for the next thirty years! Yeehaw!"

The Daily Chapman might cover more on this as it develops, but I wouldn't put a lot of hope into it.

Chapman Student Looks at Bill

by lolwhut?

Earlier this evening, impoverished sophomore Bill Wannums looked at his Chapman e-Bill only to realize that Chapman had raised their tuition costs in the middle of a recession where everyone and their mother knows someone who has lost a job.

Wait, they did what?