One Student's Experimental Rebellion

By Anita Mantefoch

Many students know that they can get money from the experiments that the Economic Science Institute runs on campus. For many, this is a good thing – it provides cash to do laundry with, or perhaps funds a college student's meals for a whole month.

One student, however, is leading a crusade against these beneficial and wholesome experiments. Timmy Leery, or “Leering Timmy” as he's known around the school, finds the whole process demeaning.

Said Leery, “It's like they want us to play their stupid fucking games so that we can win back our tuition money bit by bit. Like, 'Here, pay us 35,000 dollars in tuition and we'll give you the privilege once a month or so to press buttons mindlessly in the hopes of winning twenty dollars!' Well this monkey refuses to dance from now on!”

Other students disagree. “You know what? Some of the games are actually pretty cool. Like today I was a little smiley face and I had to eat other little smiley faces, and I think that really simulates the free market pretty good,” said James O'Connor, a senior. Inexplicably, he said the above quote while doing the moonwalk and flinging feces around the room.

It appears that Leery's rebellious behavior has so far gone unnoticed. However, he's expected to start typing a strongly worded letter of condemnation in his word processor sometime tonight before becoming discouraged that anything at this school will ever change and then crying himself to sleep.

Chapman's Big Brother Comes to Campus

By Winston Smith

This week, Chapman invited its brother to campus. He hadn't been here in a while, and he especially wanted to see the Atallah Piazza and the Global Citizen's Plaza. "The last time I was here was maybe 2004, and I've missed out on a lot of what my brother has been doing."

Upon seeing the two newest fountains and how beautiful they are, Chapman's brother decided he didn't ever want to leave.

"You know," said Chapman's brother, "I really like it here. The sun, the pretty women, the complete lack of concern about whether Chapman is invading anyone's privacy. It's pretty nice."

Chapman is still a bit skeptical about keeping its big brother on campus all the time, but it's not like Chapman can just turn its big brother away. Big brothers can't sleep on the streets. "Well, unless those streets are places where there are high crime rates," added Chapman.

"I didn't really want him to stay, because I didn't want any students to get upset." Chapman paused, tears in its eyes. "But he gave me a fucking nookie man!"

Chapman just hopes that his big brother is done moving in. "He's not really threatening anyone yet, but I don't want him encroaching on my space any more than he already has."

[To see Chapman's Big Brother, feel free to click here for Global Citizen's Plaza and here for Atallah Piazza]

Chapman Announces Fountain to Commemorate Fountains

By The New Guy

Earlier today, the Chapman University Department of Décor announced that it would begin construction next month on the latest addition to the University’s campus -- The Fountain for Fountains.

Rhonda Ferguson, vice chairman of the department, opened the ceremony by stating, “We at the department of décor truly believe that the addition of fountains to our campus is by far one of the utmost priorities of this school.” She then popped the cork off of a nearby champagne bottle and directed the spray towards the crowd of reporters in front of her. “We have performed numerous studies over the past few years that have suggested that prospective students don’t base their college decisions on academics or active student bodies; rather, they apply to whichever school has the most fountains,” she continued, while downing her newly acquired bottle of France’s finest.

Spoy Ulled, a high school senior currently scouting colleges in the Southern California area, said, “After my parents told me I could go anywhere that would cost them over 40 grand a year, I decided to check out Chapman. I didn't care about tuition money, but I heard that they had a lot of fountains and I just couldn’t picture myself anywhere else.”

The Fountain for Fountains will feature an innovative design that is meant to artistically resemble Chapman’s bank account, according to the Department. “We think it would be really poignant if once a week the fountain would release several hundred dollar bills into a flaming pit instead of spewing water,” they told reporters.

According to the Department, there are plans to construct over 20,000 new fountains by the end of 2010. “I mean, who would turn down a school that offers commemorative fountains inside every dorm room?” asked Rhonda.

Larry Prendergast Pussies Out

By The Staff

At noon today, Larry Prendergast pussied out of his planned duel with Taylor Johnson. "I don't even know what Taylor Johnson looks like!" exclaimed Prendergast, calling from a payphone in an undisclosed location. "What if he or she is really ripped? I can't compete with that -- I'm just a skinny white kid from Jersey."

Prendergast maintained his story that he would be dueling Johnson with finger guns all through last night. He bragged to anyone in earshot that he was honored by the fates to defend Omega Drive In's honor. However, when his friends awoke this morning Prendergast had skipped town. All he left behind was a note asking us to forgive him.

Some members of the staff are ready to forgive and forget. Jon Licant said, "You know, I know Larry, and his honor is the most important thing to him. I think just his impinged honor is enough punishment. Come on home, Larry."

Others were less pleased with Prendergast, including Jerry Mot. Said Mot, "I can't believe he'd bring down the image of this paper by skipping town. When we make a duel, we damn well stand by it!"

We'll let you know if we get any more news from Larry in the coming days.

Student Sleeps for 24 Hours Straight

By Chris Wryn

Sophomore Jordan Hildebraud thought that he was doing okay. "I felt at the top of my game; I was maybe a little tired, but not too bad." Thus he was surprised this past week when he slept for 24 hours straight.

"I was dealing with a shit ton of midterms and all, and it sucked. Four tests, two papers, and three projects? Can teachers say 'excessive'? I just kept popping the Adderalls and I'd be set for like, five hours or so."

When midterms were finally over at 2 PM, Hildebraud went home and took a nap. "At first I didn't think I had even slept. I woke up and the clock said it was 2:05, and I was pretty disappointed." It didn't take long for him to find out the truth.

"'Where were you?' all my friends were asking. 'Why weren't you in class?' Well now I know I was asleep, but at the time I was pretty lost."

Moral of the story: Fuck midterms.

The Letter the Panther Wouldn't Print

By Larry Prendergast

Some of you (those that read The Panther anyway) will have seen my letter to the editor this week concerning Taylor Johnson's coverage of Omega Drive In last week. For those of you that haven't seen the letter, go read it.

It's very tame right? Very polite, kind, and totally unlike what you would expect from me. Well you're right. The Panther did indeed censor me, Col. Larry Prendergast. The following is my ACTUAL letter to The Panther, in which I insinuate that I slept with Omega Drive In and challenge Taylor Johnson to a (very real) duel this coming Wednesday.

Wait, did I say insinuate? I meant admit.

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Dear Sir or Madam Taylor Johnson of the Panther Newspaper,

I assume you know that there is a rivalry between my official Chapman paper, The Daily Chapman (www.dailychapman.com) and your “paper,” The Panther. If you did not indeed know this, you do now. There is a rivalry between your “paper” and mine.

Every week I pick up a copy of your “paper” and peruse its contents. Every week I find a number of things I could potentially complain about. You'll notice, however, that you do not get one of these letters every week. That is because normally I feel like chastising The Panther is like chastising a toddler – even if the child understands what it has done wrong, it will make the same mistake the first chance it gets. This time however, The Panther (and in specific, your article) has crossed a line.

The Omega Drive-In is a dear friend of mine. As one of the only local establishments open late in Orange, it gets a large percentage of my patronage (not to mention that of my friends). Omega Burger and I might have even slept together at one point in time – but I digress. To continue: at first I was optimistic about your article when I saw that you had labeled your review “SAVE.” I thought to myself, “Yes, save a lot of money because their food is priced affordably,” or perhaps “Yes, set aside some time in your busy schedule to go to Omega Burger – you won't regret it.” Upon reading your review, it is apparent that this isn't the case.

My first complaint is that you bash the décor. It is my experience that the seediest looking restaurants often have much better food than their “upscaled” counterparts. Another example of this is Taqueria Del Anda on Tustin – not the nicest looking place, but that is some great, affordable food.

A second complaint: you say the burgers are “too big.” How, pray tell me, can a burger be too big? No, don't tell me. IT CAN'T. Especially since I am paying my hard-earned, sweat-of-my-labor money, I better be getting the full worth of my dollar back in food. At Omega Burger, unlike The Counter, I feel like my dollar is well-spent.

For these grievances, and others, I feel that my honor (to say nothing of the honor of my dear friend Omega Burger) has been impinged. A challenge is here issued: to meet this Wednesday (10/28) between Argyros Forum and Leatherby Libraries at noon for a balancing of accounts. The weapon? Finger guns. Ten paces and turn. If you do not have a hand, I am sure that one can be provided.

I am deadly serious about this. I hope, sir or madam, to see you there.

Afterwards, perhaps we can shake those same hands and be friends.

Faithfully,

Larry Prendergast

The Daily Chapman
www.dailychapman.com
admin@dailychapman.com

Tragically Unhip Kid Ostracized at Party

By Tyler Polk

On Saturday night, junior Clement Moore went to his first college party. "I'm really not much of a partier," Moore told his friends as they dragged him out the door. His friends told him all he had to do was "loosen up."

They arrived at the party at 10:05 in the PM. Moore was dressed in his friend's clothes. "His clothes were awful," said Moore's best friend, sophomore Tyler Polk. "He was going to wear a pair of cut-off jean shorts. On second thought, we should have known what would happen."

Upon arriving, his friends gave him a shot. Moore drank it, and then spit half of it out on the floor. "Fuck that's awful," Moore said. His friends gave him another shot. At this point, Moore had drank 1.314159265 shots.

That second shot is the last thing Moore remembers. The rest had to be pieced together from his friends' accounts.

The first thing Moore did was shout, "HOLY SHIT GUYS I'M DRUNK!!!!" He then proceeded outside, where the party was really, in Moore's words, "poppin'."

"He saw one girl, he hit on her. He saw another girl, he asked if she had fallen from heaven. He saw a third girl, he told her she was ugly. He then tried to fuck her in the backyard anyways. It was pathetic," said Polk.

After the last girl blew the rape whistle right into his ear and three guys hauled him off and beat the shit out of him, Moore ran inside and shouted, "THE ROOF THE ROOF THE ROOF IS ON FIRE," approximately seven years too late for anyone to care. He ripped off his shirt to reveal his moon-flesh, puked, and passed out on the floor.

It's assumed that when he wakes up today, this article will remind him why he is covered in puke and half-deaf. We hope.

Seminar on Protection from Giant Ants Sparsely Attended

By James Whitmore

On Friday night, President Jim Doti and Orange County Register reporter Marla Jo Fisher hosted an instructional seminar on how to protect yourself from gigantic ants.

"This is a very real threat," Doti was heard to have said, pacing back and forth with a bullwhip in his hand and occasionally adjusting his monocle. He stopped in front of junior Kyle Reese. "Do you know how to defend against an attack of ants?" Doti shouted. Kyle shook his head. "Of course not," said Doti. "All you kids learn these days is how to defend against an invasion of robots."

The evening then progressed to a viewing of the 1950's documentary "Them!" in which a town is beset by giant ants. The ants terrorize the town and eventually migrate to Los Angeles. When the film was over, those in attendance were suitably terrified for Doti's purposes.

Topics discussed involved barricading yourself in Beckman Hall, whether bell towers make good vantage points, and how sturdy the average window or door is on campus. The easiest building to protect, according to Doti, is Roosevelt Hall. "Made of stone, and not many entrances." The least safe? Argyros Forum. "All that glass."

Freshman Terry Wilkins feels confident he can now survive the coming invasion. Senior Tom Witherspoon was less sure. "I mean, sure, ants are fine. But what if the zombie apocalypse happens at the same time? How do we defend against Zombie Ants? Or what about Zombie Nazi Ants? Each of these topics has been covered separately, but that's not good enough!"

The school, in a rare show of doing something useful with your tuition money, is debating installing a giant magnifying glass on top of Leatherby Libraries in case of an emergency.

The Posting Has Been Removed By The New Management

This post has been removed by the management for continuity reasons. In the mean time, watch this stupid video.

Oxfam Chapman Holds Banquet to End World Hunger

by A Hungry Young Catholic Man

Oxfam at Chapman held a banquet on Wednesday, October the 21st, 2009, to raise awareness of world hunger and to foster student action. The event was abundant in food and, just as those in attendance were full, they were treated to a guilt-ridden lecture on the wastefulness of Western culture.

“The idea behind the banquet,” said member Joanna Long, a senior, “was to guilt the ever-loving shit out of the people who attended the event and ate the food, mostly for even daring to eat and not feel guilty for their fortunate circumstances.”

The event was not solely directed toward guilt, however. Talk turned to the widespread hunger in other countries and what the Chapman population could do to help, all while eating the delicious food that Oxfam had.

“Yeah,” said sophomore Wendy Goodman, who had enjoyed several slices of pizza during the talk given by Oxfam Chapman, “after they gave us the guilt-trip, we talked about strategies to help less-fortunate countries, and we came to the consensus that having a banquet for awareness was just the thing to end world hunger.”

“I just wish I knew some really hungry people. Or some poor people. They would have loved this,” added Goodman.

Self-Defense Night Fails to Emulate Street Fighter

by E. Honda

The Chapman Feminists, who held a "Self-Defense Night" in Beckman Hall on October 19th, 2009, were dismayed to find their audience was only there to learn how to perform techniques like those seen in the popular Street Fighter series of video games.

"I have to admit," said senior Jason Marks, "I was only there because I wanted to learn how to do that one move that Ken does, you know, that uppercut that hits you like, three times and sets you on fire? You know, the Shoryuken! That would be fucking awesome!"

"It was such a bummer," said Mandy Williams, a sophomore, "I was so sure I'd finally learn how to focus ki energy in my hands and fire it at my enemies. That's called a Hadouken. Instead, I just learned how to throw a guy twice my weight over my shoulder and other lame stuff like that."

The Chapman Feminists were disheartened at the lack of enthusiasm the crowd showed when it was apparent that they would not learn how to fire energy from their hands, stretch their appendages several feet, teleport, or breathe fire.

"We were so sure that students would come wanting to learn basic self-defense so that they could protect themselves from attackers," said Chapman Feminists member Marcia Rothschild. "It turns out that people just want to learn how to kick somebody so hard they catch fire."

The event, though informative and effective at teaching students to disarm and dissuade attackers using minimal force and effort, was severely lacking in the superhuman feats that attracted students to it in the first place.

"The reason the event was so disappointing," said freshman Alexandra Spinwell, "was that they didn't teach people how to do the Hurricane Kick like Chun-Li. How else are you going to stop a potential rapist? Throwing him? The only way to stop guys like that is repeatedly kicking them in the face at high speed for the better part of an hour, and then maybe maybe hitting them with flaming balls of energy from your hands."

New Rock Wall Gauntlet Established

By Edmund Hillary

Up until today, the Doti-Struppa rock wall was just that: a rock wall. This afternoon, however, preparations began to turn the wall into so much more.

President Doti, an avid rock climber himself, came up with the new Doti-Struppa Rock Wall Gauntlet himself. The first test runs occurred at 6PM this evening. The Daily Chapman was on site to see this historic event take place.

Sophomore Davey Sharp was the first to sign up. Though he just started rock climbing a few weeks ago (when the wall opened), he was feeling pretty confident. "Yeah, I come here every day and it was just starting to get boring. I mean, it's just a wall you climb, you know?"

Doti laid out the ground rules. "You have to make it all the way to the tip-top of this wall in the same amount of time that I did." This, from the start, was a daunting challenge. Doti's fastest run of the wall was in only twenty seconds. Doti said nothing about other rules, but did talk a little about rewards. "If anyone accomplishes this feat, they will find me at the top where I will grant them the honor of the Doti Achievement Medal and the privilege of sleeping with one of our school's princesses -- a real live sorority girl. And not from one of the respectable sororities either, but one of the really slutty ones. This guy knows what I'm talking about," Doti said, hi-fiving some random guy in the audience.

Davey stepped up to the wall. He was about halfway up when Doti revealed the twist; he began to throw random objects from the top of the wall, trying to hit Davey and knock him off the wall. "This is like when I climbed Everest in the spring time and the ice was collapsing all around me!!!!" Doti howled from the ramparts, simultaneously sprouting a thick, white beard.

A barrel hit Davey on the head, and Davey fell to the ground. The Gauntlet had claimed its first victim, the walls and floor running red with blood.

The Gauntlet runs from 6 until 8PM every night. Sign-ups are conducted in the Davis courtyard, and participants must sign nine release forms and pay a $3,000 fee. If sign-ups outweigh the number of slots, it is expected that the slots will be auctioned off for an additional price.

Freshman Experiences Best Part of Dorm Life

By Neil Aged

This weekend, freshman Tim Schultz experienced the best part of what dorm life has to offer: plaguing illness.

It all started on Thursday night with a minor twinge at the back of Tim's throat. Tim decided the best approach was to ignore the omen. His mom had put some Emergen-C in his room at the beginning of the year, but Tim decided to forgo drinking it because, "that stuff tastes like ass."

When Friday started, everything seemed fine. The feeling at the back of his throat was still there, but hey, if it hadn't erupted overnight then it was probably fine. Tim seemed his usual dapper self. That's why friends were surprised when they went to get him Friday night and found him cowering in bed with four blankets on.

"H-hey guys," Tim said, his teeth chattering. He had a fever of 108 degrees.

"You know, by all rights he should be dead," said James Larimer, M.D. Experts rushed to the scene to contain the illness, but it was too late. It's estimated that Tim exposed every single person at the school, what with coughing on the food at the cafeteria, sneezing and then touching the buttons in the elevator, and throwing up in the hallway.

His roommate is expected to come down with the illness tomorrow, and then pass it back to Tim by next week. In this way, the cycle will continue, guaranteeing that neither of them is truly healthy for the rest of the year.

That Guy Totally Loves That Band You Love

By Stan Huxtable

Today, students waiting in line at the cafeteria were treated to an interesting sight. John Praynard, sophomore, was texting when a girl suddenly walked up to him and said, "Hey I love that band." At first, John looked confused. This was a stupid reaction. John should've known what he was wearing. Everyone knows that guys make conscious decisions on what shirt to wear in the morning, and don't just pick the shirt that looks/smells/tastes the cleanest.

Seeing his confusion, the girl extended her index finger, indicating that it was indeed John's shirt that she had been referring to. John looked down. He was wearing a Beatles shirt. "Oh, yeah," John said. He added a nod to punctuate the sentence.

"I totally think that 'Here Comes the Sun' is such an underappreciated song, right?" said the girl. John smiled thinly. "And like, totally the wrong two Beatles died first and all. I think that I definitely identify the most with George, you know?" she continued.

Suddenly, John snapped. "Listen you stupid bitch, everyone likes The Beatles. Okay? Shut the fuck up."

It's true. Everyone does like The Beatles.

Chapman Student Invents 'Twitter Twatter'

by the Resident Womanizer/Salamander Dimes

On Thursday evening, Sophomore Neal Bates announced his new invention to be released to the world. The invention is simply called a "Twitter Twatter." "The device is essentially a dildo with wi-fi capabilities and links to your Twitter account," reports Bates. "Every time you get twitted, the machine will vibrate, twatting you." "[The] idea... is genius," commented Freshman Jenna Slaney. "I got a twitter and this thing totally works with it and it feels good, you know?"

Although the pleasureful pager is predicted to pull the United States out of economic depression, Twitter experts complain that the device is pointless. "Why bother have a notification when you get twitted if there's no screen to tell you what the twit is. It just has one feature of an already better idea, the cell phone," commented the self appointed "King Twitz." Even though the device has been deemed "fun, yet overall obsolete," it is already becoming the new fall fashion.

Daily Chapman Radio!

By a Concerned Citizen

Hey kids,

Daily Chapman Radio is tonight, and we're finally getting into the swing of this whole thing. The show is less news-based than the site, but hopefully you'll find it just as funny. The first couple of weeks were rough as we tried to settle on a format for the show, but I think we've got it down now, and last week's show was the best one yet.

Pieces last week included:
1) Domestic Aesthetics for College Students - An analysis of how to make your home more college-like.
2) An improvised song/PSA about drunkenness and sleeping on couches.
3) A cold reading of a scene from Michael Bay's Armageddon, in the style of an old-time radio show. All sound effects implied by the script were done by our voices. Think of it as beat-boxing a movie.
4) This was followed immediately after by a singalong to Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith
5) Music by William Shatner off his album Has Been
6) The Goodnight Sesh - A recurring piece at the end of the show where we lull you to sleep with free association over music by Sigur Ros

Does that sound interesting to you? Well then go to www.chapmanradio.com tonight at 1 AM (so really Thursday morning) and click on Listen Live! to hear the show. You can also navigate to the home page, click on schedule, and then find our show page on there where recordings of our past shows are listed. As I said, last week's show was the best, but each week before that contains a few moments of glory.

We hope to see you there,
-L. Prendergast

A Telegram from Wortwick

Signed for by Larry Prendergast

[We just received this telegram in the post today. It was carried all the way across the Atlantic on a boat, and then a man on horseback brought it across the states. It was dated three weeks ago.]

SPAIN IS BEAUTIFUL STOP HAVE GROWN BIG COMMA BURLY BEARD IN MY FREE TIME STOP THATS [sic] RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS THE FACE OF CHAPMAN IN SPAIN IS NOW BEARDED STOP CHANGED MY NAME TO ALAN WORTWICK THE WHITE STOP GET IT QUERY LIKE IN LORD OF THE RINGS STOP ANYWAYS LOTS OF PUSSY DUE TO BEARD STOP AT LEAST COMMA I THINK THEY ARE WOMEN STOP YOU CAN NEVER TELL WITH SPAIN STOP MOUSTACHE

[The message mysteriously cuts off there, presumably because of the aforementioned pussy. If you want your best wishes transmitted to Alan Wortwick, please leave them in the comments. We will be responding to him by carrier pigeon in the next few days. -- L.P.]

Daily Chapman Gains School Spirit

By Aaron Carter

Over the weekend, the Daily Chapman staff is reputed to have gained an unprecedented amount of school spirit. As most of you know, this past weekend was Homecoming and Family Weekend, and the school had a number of events to celebrate this fact.

For instance, the Homecoming football game. The game, played between two invisible teams, was a hit with everyone. Said junior Kyle Ortega, "I was at the game in spirit, and it was excellent, I'm sure."



The Daily Chapman Photography Unit was on hand to capture a picture of the game in progress. "This shot was taken right as Chapman scored a touchdown, and I think it really captures the moment well," said chief photographer Sean Williams, senior. "I've been to homecoming every year since I got here," he continued, "and the team just keeps getting worse."

Other students were glad to see their parents again. For many freshmen, this is the first time they've seen their parents in two months. A lot of them were ecstatic. Chelsea Marshall, for one, said, "My parents totally gave me money to do my laundry, and then we went out to eat! I'm glad I can rely on my parents to give me material comforts while I'm at Chapman, while every weekend I do stuff that if they found out about would probably have them disown me!"

We hope you all enjoyed your Homecoming Weekend, and used it as a shameless way to steal money from your parents.

Argyros Forum a Ghost Town

By Steve Fuller

[[Editor: As part of our “Chapman Historical Initiative,” the Daily Chapman recently sent staff member Steve Fuller on assignment to the once thriving building of Argyros Forum. His goal was to find out how the building was holding up now that its most valuable asset, the cafeteria, had been moved to Sandhu Residence Center. What he found at Argyros Forum is not a tale for those prone to fits of dyptheria. Read on with caution.]]

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Argyros Forum is the tale of a building founded for one purpose – to provide student services. When those services are moved away to competing, better buildings, the economy implodes in on itself. “It's like stepping into a tomb,” said John Booth, a sophomore film student. “Seriously, middle of the day and there's nobody even there.”

Sam Walden agrees. "The place is a ghost town," Sam said with a shiver. "You walk in and you imagine that you can hear people laughing from years gone by. Then you realize that your ears are playing tricks on you in the silence."

Still, a few people refuse to leave.

For the brave adventurer who presses further on, a single shop provides goods to weary travelers. Scantron sheets, pencils, binders – it's all there in the store, located on Argyros' first floor. However, the shop has fallen on hard times.

“Ever since the cafeteria became located in Sandhu, we've seen a 90% drop off in revenue,” said shop owner Corinne Nantes. “What the hell are we going to do with two thousand identical Chapman t-shirts?” Corinne paused, thinking. “Well I guess when we can't pay our heating bill anymore, we can burn them.” A tragic end to a great family company.

President Doti recently called attention to these “financially depressed” areas of campus. In a statement released Wednesday, Doti said that Chapman should, “look to these buildings – Argyros Forum, Roosevelt Hall, and DeMille Hall – as warnings for our future. If we don't stop this trend now, who will?”

“Not only that,” Doti added, “but if nobody goes through Argyros Forum anymore, they'll miss viewing the largest spiral staircase this side of the Mississippi.” It's estimated that 90% of incoming freshmen will never step foot in Argyros Forum for the duration of their time here.

For now, tables and chairs sit in neatly tidied rows. They stand ready, awaiting the day that students will return to fill them with laughter, the twenty pounds they gained freshman year, and STDs. We'll have to see if that day ever comes.

For now, I'm Steve Fuller. Thank you for reading.

Chapman Rewriting History Texts

By Baron Ellington

Yesterday was an important day for the campus, in that yet another bust was unveiled of some person you've probably heard of but have forgotten the particulars of what they've done. However, the event was particularly poignant and memorable because of a separate, secret announcement that President Doti waited until the end of the ceremony to reveal.

"For too long," said Doti, "we've had to deal with lies in our textbooks. Things like, 'At the time Lincoln was in college, Chapman didn't even exist,' and 'Ronald Reagan did not go to your school.' Show me one other college with a bust of Lincoln." At this point, one man did look like he was about to say something, but before he could a group of men in black jackets tasered him and took him away from the proceedings. "I'm sorry for that interruption," Doti said. "The truth is, all of these people DID go to our school, and I'm glad to announce that from this day forward we will be rewriting our history textbooks to match this. No more outside propaganda."

Reactions were mixed, but mostly positive. "You know, they say history is written by the winners," said Jim Perkins, head of the University Historical Preservation Society. "And Chapman is most definitely a winner."

Students accepted the change readily. Indeed, most of them seemed unaware in the first place of the fact that the people with busts didn't go to Chapman. "You're kidding me," said Mark Harrison, junior, when we tried to explain that very fact.

So with that in mind, we here at the Daily Chapman feel it's our responsibility as a respectable news source to begin this process of updating history. Obviously the next logical step is to update Chapman's Wikipedia page so that Lincoln is one of our most famous alumni. Because everything printed on the internet is true.

Pete the Panther: Murderer?

By Some Random Homeless Film Graduate

This weekend is homecoming weekend, and Pete the Panther will be out in full. Lots of students see Pete around campus and hanging out at our sporting events; however, most people don't get to experience the other side of Pete's personality.

Yesterday the police found a body in Lastinger B2, stuffed into a corner behind a parked car. Nearby were two paw prints, a stubbed-out cigarette, and a piece of ruddy jersey.

Now, we at the Daily Chapman would never presume to say that Pete the Panther killed someone, but the evidence is pretty damning.

Chapman officials are taking the official line that Pete is innocent, with Doti saying, "If Pete had killed someone, I would know. Believe me."

The forensics classes will be taking the next two weeks to look into the case, with the professor saying, "It's a great way for students to study hair transfer and the decomposition of a body in air."

It's too bad that this revelation had to come right before homecoming. When you're trying to ignore that painfully stupid fourth interception that Chapman's team throws, and you look over at Pete for relief, all you'll be able to think about is what a murderer that guy is.

EDITORIAL: You're Mistaken About That One Girl

By Corporal Larry Prendergast

Let me guess: it all started when you happened to lock eyes across the room. She giggled. You blushed. She was so cute, and you're a nice guy -- surely you must have a chance with her.

You've started hanging out a lot. Your friends complain that they never see you anymore; you ignore them. After all, she's such a nice girl that you have to be a really nice guy to impress her. That's how it works. She seems so innocent to you. You suspect she's never had sex. Fuck that -- you bet she's never even given a blowjob to anyone.

Let me put it this way, hypothetical nice guy: YOU'RE WRONG.

That girl is the biggest whore in the whole school. Sure, she acts so nice and innocent; that's how she snares them. All of them. All 496.

This girl can't sit on barstools because her vagina just stretches over the seat and she ends up sitting on the floor. This girl has done sex acts so offensive and obscure that they aren't even defined on Urban Dictionary because they're too horrifying for your mind to even imagine.

Let me assure you, nice guy, that the only reason this hot, "innocent" girl is hanging out with you is because she thinks you're gay. She's always wanted a gay friend.

When she has sex she wants someone who will make her feel like shit. Do you do bondage, nice guy? I didn't think so. Believe me, Daily Chapman staff can speak from experience; after all, we've all fucked her. Move on, nice guy. Find someone who doesn't hold the record for most times contracting gonorrhea this side of the Mississippi.

And don't worry nice guy, if you ever walk in on her masturbating, be assured she's actually having sex -- you just can't tell because she's fucking a member of our invisible football team.

With love,
Larry Prendergast
Editor-in-Chief
The Daily Chapman
www.dailychapman.com
admin@dailychapman.com

Super Size Me 2 Filming in "Sandy"

By Maxwell Edison, M.D.

After the success of his documentary (Super Size Me) about the malnutritional value about the food at McDonald's fast food restaurants, Morgan Spurlock decided to sell out to Hollywood and make a sequel crudely titled "Super Size Me 2: Fatter and Greasier." After searching the United States for a place with the unhealthiest food, Chapman is now honored to be bestowed with yet another ultimatum: the unhealthiest cafeteria this side of the Mississippi River.

Spurlock says that the beautiful interior of the glorified trough will be a perfect contrast to the horrendous meals that lay within. "I gained the freshman 50 because of the cafeteria food," stated freshman Jeremy Porkins. "Even imagining the food causes fat to just appear on my thighs."

Spurlock hopes to begin filming soon, but production has been halted due to the fact that non-dormitory residents are restricted from entering the cafeteria. When he and the crew were turned down at the front door, they attempted to continue with the method of guerilla filmmaking to avoid losing a costly day of production filming, only to be halted by a person hired specifically to monitor the side door. "No one [comes] in [without living on campus]..." commented side door monitor Patricia Sanchez.

While the crew sits outside the residence center, Spurlock is currently discussing a "commuter meal plan" with the university in hopes of completing his passion piece. "I thought that fatty and convenient food was usually cheaper, " remarked Spurlock. "They're fucking reaming my wallet just to eat their shitty pizza." This realization has only persuaded the genius filmmaker to unearth the secret behind the Sodexo corporation. Look out for Spurlock's masterpiece "Super Size Me 2: Fatter and Greasier" when it's released on DVD December 21, 2012.

Student Caught Smoking Pot Switches Locales

By Kurt Watts

Victor Jansen, a freshman from Riverside, CA, was recently written a citation for smoking marijuana outside in a designated smoking area. Joe Gragori, a Public Safety officer, caught Jansen after he, "saw [Jansen] taking a nice milky hit from a Roor bong.” Gragori soon joined Jansen in what Jansen calls, “a really chill smoke sesh.”
But after Gragori took his fifth hit, he took Jansen’s water-pipe and wrote him up a $125 fine for smoking marijuana on campus.

“I know it sounds like a dick move, but I had to – it’s the law. But shit, that was some dank-ass weed,” says Gragori about the incident. “Seriously, the weed I usually take from Chapman students is schwag and barely gets me high at all.”

Jansen, however, had a medical marijuana license in his pocket. When he showed it to Gragori, the officer laughed hysterically and finished writing the ticket.

“I have multiple sclerosis and was prescribed marijuana from a licensed doctor,” claims Jansen. His condition is actually so severe that Jansen’s head leans on his left shoulder. Upon hearing this, Gragori commented, “Oh, I thought he was just really high and was trying to do a Stephen Hawking impression.”

Despite all the hassle, Jansen says he’ll continue to smoke marijuana – just not outside.

“I found a good way to simply smoke in the shower and put a towel next to the door to cover the crack. With the steam produced by a hot shower and the fan sucking up much of the air, the bathroom smells just fine after a nice shower. My room-mates don’t even know I smoke weed,” Jansen says. According to Jansen, smoking marijuana in his dorm is much easier and safer than smoking outside because no one can, “kill his good vibes.”

When asked about how long he can keep this up, Jansen simply replied, “Well, pretty much until someone finds out. I hope that doesn’t happen.”

In regard to Jansen’s wishes, The Daily Chapman asks its readers to completely forget about this article.

Gate is Dirty for First Time; Nobody Checked

By George Melly-Ay

BREAKING NEWS - ORANGE: The first weekend of senior thesis filming occurs this weekend, and we have gotten a report of the first problem on set. What a Trip (Dir. Johnny Booth) was shooting its first reel this morning when it suddenly occurred to the camera team that nobody had shouted the common phrase, "CHECK GATE," on the set.

The camera team opened the camera up to find a single hair in the center of the gate. Cinematographer Frank Duncan fell to his knees in horror, pulled out a knife, and committed seppuku. This caused blood to spurt out onto the gate and one of the nearby reels.

The second AC tried to clean the blood up, but could only smear it around instead of getting it off. This caused the film to fall two months behind schedule on its first day. Also, the crew had to stay late, so the producer grumbled about having to pull money out of the contingency fund to pay for second lunch.

Also, the owner of the location is suing the production for getting blood all over his hardwood floor.

Booth will be going on trial for Duncan's death, because the Orange P.D. didn't believe that anyone in America would commit seppuku. Due to lack of evidence, he will probably not get convicted, but his good name will be tarnished for the rest of his life in certain people's eyes.

When asked for a comment, Booth screamed violently, "ALWAYS CHECK THE DAMN GATE!"

ADVICE: Douche Roommate

By Anne Flannels

Dear Daily Chapman,

It's only been a month of school and my roommate is already pissing me off. He is inconsiderate -- he comes home at 2 or 3 in the AM on the weekends, stumbles drunkenly to the bathroom, pukes on the floor, leaves the lights on and goes to bed. Then, in the morning, he refuses to clean it up.

Last week he brought this hooker-type girl home with him and had sex with her on the top bunk while I was on the bottom. I almost threw up. =(

Also one time he made me watch Die Hard when I really wanted to watch Garden State.

What should I do?

Signed,
Severely Annoyed

---------------------

Dear Severely Annoyed,

It's too bad that you came to college. Maybe you should grow the fuck up and stop being such a pussy. I could understand if your roommate was being an insensitive prick on the weekdays, but you're going to complain about him coming home at 2AM on the weekend?

Here's what I want you to do:
1) Grow a pair.
2) Start drinking all the time. I mean, I want you to wake up in the morning and fucking rinse your mouth with the remains of last night's bourbon that you didn't drink because you fucking passed out on your computer keyboard while crying and drunkenly leaving messages on your ex-girlfriend's phone. Oh, and did I say wake up in the morning? Yeah, I meant fucking 6 AT NIGHT.
3) Puke on your bathroom floor twice every night. Eventually your roommate will be so angry at being outdone that he will start being sober on the weekends just so that he can bitch about how you threw up everywhere.
4) Have sex with that hooker-type girl, and then pay her to tell your roommate how you were better.

There you have it; with my simple, 4-step plan I just transformed you from a whiny, sober douchebag that everyone hates into an alcoholic douchebag that doesn't remember that everyone hates him. Now you can be the idiot who starts a fight at the party while your roommate sits at home miserable and lonely.

Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker.
-Anne Fucking Flannels

Girl Deletes You in Her Latest Friend Purge

By Super Fight Gentleman Party Go! A. Ambrose

ORANGE (DC) -- You were agitated Tuesday morning to discover that you no longer receive Carly’s prompt hourly status updates, triggering a day-long upheaval during your most packed day of lectures -- lectures which you ignored while scanning her friends list and looking at pictures with Carly tagged in them. Attempts to view Carly’s meticulously organized photo albums were all denied, and from several different iPhones, suggesting that your lack of access may not be an accident, but rather an intentional friend purge. “I never thought it would happen to me,” you said.

Similar shocks were felt across the Chapman Class of ’13!!! Facebook group as early as 11:42 Monday evening, when that girl you talked to during orientation discovered that she can no longer Poke Carly or ask her to compare herself with anime characters. Others have reported similar complaints; requests for reinforcements in their vampire armies or members in their inanimate object fan pages were all met with a bitter “page not found” where Carly’s shutter-shade laden face should have been.

Long-time Carly friends will note that this isn’t the first time a wide-scale purge has hit the friend community. “For a long time we had to disguise ourselves, create different screen names, just to get her to look at our 'What are the initials of the person you will marry?' quizzes,” attests Jillian Fervre. “I’ve seen some great, I mean really great farming simulations get shot down after the first invite. It’s tough.”

You finally sent a facebook message to Carly on Friday night, introducing yourself and asking why you were removed from her friends list. After several minutes of waiting and a fleeting moment of encouragement when she seemed to appear in your chat window and then suddenly disappear, you followed up with an awkward passive-aggressive email which quoted the bible and then a heated status update which read, “is fuck dumb bitches who unfriend me.”

Carly has since found new additions to her friends list in the peripheral members of her sorority and unremembered classmates from middle school. Hopes are high for an upcoming period of prosperity for "kewl" apps and drunken party pictures tagged without Carly’s permission while her attention is divided between midterms and a vibrant personal life.