By Recently on Vacation
Chapman University welcomed back its students yesterday with a number of familiar things. For instance, the same shitty food that you had forgotten as soon as you ate your first home-cooked meal again resurged with a vengeance, as you demolished your toilet later that night.
For some of you, it was a return to the days of not getting laid after hooking up with that one girl you knew in high school all last week. For your roommates, on the other hand, it was a return to fucking a string of nameless, meaningless one night stands as you weep pitifully in the corner and dream of having your own room.
Others of you didn't go home at all, and for you it was a return to having a social life after living in Orange the Ghost Town for the past week.
Whatever your circumstances, we welcome you back.
Love,
-The Daily Chapman Staff.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Thanksgiving Ballad
By The Wampanoag Indian Remembrance Committee
Going home, a couple days
Seeing Mom and Auntie May
Where Dad is basting that turkey breast
The one that always tastes the best
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving
Here's your old high school friends
Funny how that friendship ends
After a year or two away
Now you don't know what to say
Go with them to visit your high school
Wear your Chapman shirt -- you're so cool
Everyone wants to sleep with you
Just kidding.
Former teachers don't know why you're here
Instead of at home drinking beer
But there you stand so bright and youthful
To tell them why an English degree is really useful
They'll stare at you in awe and wonder
At how anyone could make such a blunder
In the real world you'll be torn asunder
But in college, you'll be...well, honestly, probably high.
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving
Later that week, Thanksgiving dinner
Hugged and kissed by Grandma Skinner
Grandpa wishes she was thinner
Like she was when they were sinners
"I love my family, but holy shit,"
You'll say to yourself as they throw a fit
Over where everyone should sit
And whether the candles should be lit
And is Uncle Don a pedophile
And if Aunt Helda used to be really wild
And if Grandpa Joe has many days left
Who's in the will, and who will be bereft
And whether the turkey is too dry
Or perhaps it's just shitty pumpkin pie
Suddenly you heave a giant sigh.
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving.
So light the candles, pray or not
"Eat those radishes I bought!"
One thing's for sure, just wait and see
When you're back at Chapman, you'll be relieved.
[[Editor's note: We'll be back the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Everyone enjoy your break!]]
Going home, a couple days
Seeing Mom and Auntie May
Where Dad is basting that turkey breast
The one that always tastes the best
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving
Here's your old high school friends
Funny how that friendship ends
After a year or two away
Now you don't know what to say
Go with them to visit your high school
Wear your Chapman shirt -- you're so cool
Everyone wants to sleep with you
Just kidding.
Former teachers don't know why you're here
Instead of at home drinking beer
But there you stand so bright and youthful
To tell them why an English degree is really useful
They'll stare at you in awe and wonder
At how anyone could make such a blunder
In the real world you'll be torn asunder
But in college, you'll be...well, honestly, probably high.
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving
Later that week, Thanksgiving dinner
Hugged and kissed by Grandma Skinner
Grandpa wishes she was thinner
Like she was when they were sinners
"I love my family, but holy shit,"
You'll say to yourself as they throw a fit
Over where everyone should sit
And whether the candles should be lit
And is Uncle Don a pedophile
And if Aunt Helda used to be really wild
And if Grandpa Joe has many days left
Who's in the will, and who will be bereft
And whether the turkey is too dry
Or perhaps it's just shitty pumpkin pie
Suddenly you heave a giant sigh.
Oh Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving.
So light the candles, pray or not
"Eat those radishes I bought!"
One thing's for sure, just wait and see
When you're back at Chapman, you'll be relieved.
[[Editor's note: We'll be back the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Everyone enjoy your break!]]
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Experiment
by the Resident Womanizer
You're getting sleepy.
Very sleepy.
Concentrate on the sound of my voice.
Random muttering.
Asleep?
You Want to See Hypnotist Comedian Mark Yuzuik Perform at Chapman
Yes you do.
You're getting sleepy.
Very sleepy.
Concentrate on the sound of my voice.
Random muttering.
Asleep?
You Want to See Hypnotist Comedian Mark Yuzuik Perform at Chapman
Yes you do.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
"Poos on East" Film Festival to Rival Korean Superiority
By the Pretentious Freshman
Recently at Dodge College of the Film and Media Arts, much talk has occurred about a "film festival" and phrase "Pusan West." One film student with an attention span the length of the average miniskirt at a hooker convention heard "Pusan West" and was immediately offended. "It's one thing to have pride about your films, but the East is taking this a little far," spouted freshman Billy Conderman. "A region of filmmakers claiming they are superior is pretentious enough, but to say they are so fantastic that they might as well poo on the West, well that infringes upon my freedom of not getting pooped on as an American citizen."
Conderman, in a fit of confused rage, decided to prove that Western cinema could rival Korean film production by starting a student film festival entitled Poos on East Film Festival.
"Their shitty attack on our filmmaking has left me gravely violated and I have developed a massive need to shit all over them," ostracized Conderman. Seeing Conderman as an ambitious young filmmaker, the film festival was approved by Chapman and will receive funding from Associated Students. "Filmmaking is... encouraged [here]..." stated Chairman Dow Jonze, though he seemed a bit perplexed as to the particulars of the project.
Thus far the movies only include aggressive excretion of fecal matter in some kind of attack against some person eastward of Orange County (i.e. New Yorkers, Europeans, Asians, etc.) With only Conderman participating and long, monotonous shots of forceful pooping, the festival is dying and will certainly be flushed very soon. As of now, no Korean filmmakers have any idea that such a rivalry exists.
More on this story as it develops.
Recently at Dodge College of the Film and Media Arts, much talk has occurred about a "film festival" and phrase "Pusan West." One film student with an attention span the length of the average miniskirt at a hooker convention heard "Pusan West" and was immediately offended. "It's one thing to have pride about your films, but the East is taking this a little far," spouted freshman Billy Conderman. "A region of filmmakers claiming they are superior is pretentious enough, but to say they are so fantastic that they might as well poo on the West, well that infringes upon my freedom of not getting pooped on as an American citizen."
Conderman, in a fit of confused rage, decided to prove that Western cinema could rival Korean film production by starting a student film festival entitled Poos on East Film Festival.
"Their shitty attack on our filmmaking has left me gravely violated and I have developed a massive need to shit all over them," ostracized Conderman. Seeing Conderman as an ambitious young filmmaker, the film festival was approved by Chapman and will receive funding from Associated Students. "Filmmaking is... encouraged [here]..." stated Chairman Dow Jonze, though he seemed a bit perplexed as to the particulars of the project.
Thus far the movies only include aggressive excretion of fecal matter in some kind of attack against some person eastward of Orange County (i.e. New Yorkers, Europeans, Asians, etc.) With only Conderman participating and long, monotonous shots of forceful pooping, the festival is dying and will certainly be flushed very soon. As of now, no Korean filmmakers have any idea that such a rivalry exists.
More on this story as it develops.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dr. Claw's Master Plan Unfolds
By Brain's Communication Collar
This week, Dr. Claw unveiled the first step in his newest plan to take over the world. "I took all the hard copies of The Panther in order to knock out the school's communications," he confided in an exclusive, Daily Chapman interview.
He paused to stroke the white devil-cat on his lap.
"The next step is to cut through the telephone network with some ridiculously complicated plan." We asked him whether it wouldn't be better to stick with simple plans, as the recent success of his newspaper heist proves that simple works best. Claw retorted with, "Who's the evil genius here, asshole?", gesticulating his large claw-hand at us in the process.
"Now if only that freak with the extending arms and helicopter hat stays out of my way, everything will go according to plan! And don't even get me started on that pretentious bitch of a niece that he has."
He hung his head in shame. "She's so mean to me."
This week, Dr. Claw unveiled the first step in his newest plan to take over the world. "I took all the hard copies of The Panther in order to knock out the school's communications," he confided in an exclusive, Daily Chapman interview.
He paused to stroke the white devil-cat on his lap.
"The next step is to cut through the telephone network with some ridiculously complicated plan." We asked him whether it wouldn't be better to stick with simple plans, as the recent success of his newspaper heist proves that simple works best. Claw retorted with, "Who's the evil genius here, asshole?", gesticulating his large claw-hand at us in the process.
"Now if only that freak with the extending arms and helicopter hat stays out of my way, everything will go according to plan! And don't even get me started on that pretentious bitch of a niece that he has."
He hung his head in shame. "She's so mean to me."
Monday, November 16, 2009
Breaking News: Chef March Highly Attended
By the On-Site Reporter
At noon on Monday the chefs in the cafeteria decided to hold a march to celebrate what a glorious day it was outside. The signal for the march to begin was a piercingly loud alarm that rang throughout the duration of the march.
As one, they threw down their pans. Two by two they streamed out of the cafeteria doors, emerging into the warm sunlight. They were heard cheerily chanting "Hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work we go!"
Onlookers were varied in their responses. Sophomore Laurence Marks said, "Dude, it was so powerful. It was like a protest, man."
Others were less happy. "What the fuck? Don't they know this is lunch hour? How the hell am I going to eat three pieces of pizza, a cheeseburger, and two pieces of sushi if they're not in there making that shit?" complained Donovan Wallace, freshman.
But what a beautiful sight it was.
At noon on Monday the chefs in the cafeteria decided to hold a march to celebrate what a glorious day it was outside. The signal for the march to begin was a piercingly loud alarm that rang throughout the duration of the march.
As one, they threw down their pans. Two by two they streamed out of the cafeteria doors, emerging into the warm sunlight. They were heard cheerily chanting "Hi-ho, hi-ho, away from work we go!"
Onlookers were varied in their responses. Sophomore Laurence Marks said, "Dude, it was so powerful. It was like a protest, man."
Others were less happy. "What the fuck? Don't they know this is lunch hour? How the hell am I going to eat three pieces of pizza, a cheeseburger, and two pieces of sushi if they're not in there making that shit?" complained Donovan Wallace, freshman.
But what a beautiful sight it was.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Student Skips Class for Fourth Day Straight
By Admiral J. Halsey
Blinds pulled over the window. Red Bull cans scattered across the carpet.
The release of Modern Warfare 2, the popular terrorist-hunting simulator, occurred on Tuesday. Since then, gamers have seen many things. One thing that sophomore Pete Baker has not seen, however, is the sun. Foaming at the mouth, in crusty jeans and a sweat-stained T-shirt, he grasps his controller in his sweaty hand.
"I see the sun every day," says Pete, pointing at his TV screen. "It's right there, above all those damn terrorists." He shoots a burst from his rifle.
His roommate walks in. "Pete, man," he says softly, "did you miss class again today? You okay, man?"
Pete whirls towards his roommate, crazed look in his eye. "Get the fuck out of here, you un-American terrorist asshole!" He throws a crusted sock at his roommate, screaming, "GRENADO!!!!" His roommate shrieks and runs out.
Unfortunately, Pete's condition is not uncommon. If you see anyone you love acting like this, please, for the love of God, open the fucking windows.
Blinds pulled over the window. Red Bull cans scattered across the carpet.
The release of Modern Warfare 2, the popular terrorist-hunting simulator, occurred on Tuesday. Since then, gamers have seen many things. One thing that sophomore Pete Baker has not seen, however, is the sun. Foaming at the mouth, in crusty jeans and a sweat-stained T-shirt, he grasps his controller in his sweaty hand.
"I see the sun every day," says Pete, pointing at his TV screen. "It's right there, above all those damn terrorists." He shoots a burst from his rifle.
His roommate walks in. "Pete, man," he says softly, "did you miss class again today? You okay, man?"
Pete whirls towards his roommate, crazed look in his eye. "Get the fuck out of here, you un-American terrorist asshole!" He throws a crusted sock at his roommate, screaming, "GRENADO!!!!" His roommate shrieks and runs out.
Unfortunately, Pete's condition is not uncommon. If you see anyone you love acting like this, please, for the love of God, open the fucking windows.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
"Dodge Replaced with Arctic Wasteland," says Source
By Matthew Henson
It was brought to this paper's attention today that Dodge College has been replaced by an Arctic wasteland. Slowly but surely, over a number of months, some devious supervillain invaded Dodge College and used a Transmogrification Ray to change each classroom into an ice-cave.
Students, caught in the path of this supervillain, can be seen carrying sweatshirts into Dodge and building campfires in the front lobby, even when the weather outside hovers around 85 degrees. "I'm tired of everyone being able to see my nipples through my already very revealing shirts. What's left for them to see when they inevitably get that shirt off?" said sophomore Public Relations and Advertising student Teri Stevens before shedding a single tear. This tear then froze directly to her face.
To add to the confusion even further, Roosevelt and Memorial halls have been sneakily replaced with parts of the Sahara Desert. Students there can be seen gasping for water and crawling down the hallways on hands and knees, shirts tied over their heads, though others have taken advantage of the warmth to set up a beach volleyball game in the entrance hall.
Nobody seems to know why this disparity has occurred, though most signs point to Jim Doti trying to get people to "man up" like he did in his famous 1976 scaling of K2.
It was brought to this paper's attention today that Dodge College has been replaced by an Arctic wasteland. Slowly but surely, over a number of months, some devious supervillain invaded Dodge College and used a Transmogrification Ray to change each classroom into an ice-cave.
Students, caught in the path of this supervillain, can be seen carrying sweatshirts into Dodge and building campfires in the front lobby, even when the weather outside hovers around 85 degrees. "I'm tired of everyone being able to see my nipples through my already very revealing shirts. What's left for them to see when they inevitably get that shirt off?" said sophomore Public Relations and Advertising student Teri Stevens before shedding a single tear. This tear then froze directly to her face.
To add to the confusion even further, Roosevelt and Memorial halls have been sneakily replaced with parts of the Sahara Desert. Students there can be seen gasping for water and crawling down the hallways on hands and knees, shirts tied over their heads, though others have taken advantage of the warmth to set up a beach volleyball game in the entrance hall.
Nobody seems to know why this disparity has occurred, though most signs point to Jim Doti trying to get people to "man up" like he did in his famous 1976 scaling of K2.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Ayn Rand Bust is a Selfish Bitch
By Jeremy Bentham
The Ayn Rand bust was unveiled this past week, and since then there has been conflict after conflict between her and the other busts on campus.
The first incident occurred on Friday night around 1:00 AM. John Nash was on campus when he suddenly heard shouting, even though there was nobody around. He had no comment on whether his change of clothes when he got home was motivated by a certain "water all over my crotch" sensation. "I did pick out a few words though," said Nash. "Something about Rand and spotlight." He paused. "I might've heard a panther roar too."
The next night, the Daily Chapman Investigative Team was on location to see what we could see. The results were shocking.
At midnight, all the busts on campus came to life. They immediately started shouting, as if continuing an ongoing argument. We spoke with Mr. Abraham Lincoln.
"Oh yeah, the campus busts are becoming increasingly split. It was bad enough when Reagan and Thatcher showed up, but Ayn Rand takes the cake. The lady stands for everything I hate," said Lincoln.
"That bitch stole my microphone!" said the bust of Ella Fitzgerald, when asked for comment. "Said something about my voice was good and all but she was better, and she just up and took it. Don't even ask me how she got all the way over here, 'cuz I don't have any damn clue."
Even those that are closest to her in ideology are starting to be annoyed. "She 'borrowed' my cowboy hat yesterday," said Reagan. "I love that hat."
Rand, asked for her opinion, said, "I wrote Atlas Shrugged, okay? I do what I want." When we asked her whether she thought that was more important than other accomplishments, such as freeing the slaves, she said, "Hey, I teach everyone how to survive in this world by being a selfish douchebag. Don't give me any of that Socialist bullshit."
The Ayn Rand bust was unveiled this past week, and since then there has been conflict after conflict between her and the other busts on campus.
The first incident occurred on Friday night around 1:00 AM. John Nash was on campus when he suddenly heard shouting, even though there was nobody around. He had no comment on whether his change of clothes when he got home was motivated by a certain "water all over my crotch" sensation. "I did pick out a few words though," said Nash. "Something about Rand and spotlight." He paused. "I might've heard a panther roar too."
The next night, the Daily Chapman Investigative Team was on location to see what we could see. The results were shocking.
At midnight, all the busts on campus came to life. They immediately started shouting, as if continuing an ongoing argument. We spoke with Mr. Abraham Lincoln.
"Oh yeah, the campus busts are becoming increasingly split. It was bad enough when Reagan and Thatcher showed up, but Ayn Rand takes the cake. The lady stands for everything I hate," said Lincoln.
"That bitch stole my microphone!" said the bust of Ella Fitzgerald, when asked for comment. "Said something about my voice was good and all but she was better, and she just up and took it. Don't even ask me how she got all the way over here, 'cuz I don't have any damn clue."
Even those that are closest to her in ideology are starting to be annoyed. "She 'borrowed' my cowboy hat yesterday," said Reagan. "I love that hat."
Rand, asked for her opinion, said, "I wrote Atlas Shrugged, okay? I do what I want." When we asked her whether she thought that was more important than other accomplishments, such as freeing the slaves, she said, "Hey, I teach everyone how to survive in this world by being a selfish douchebag. Don't give me any of that Socialist bullshit."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Professor References Own Book
By Samuel Beckett
On Monday, in an act that scholars are calling "refreshing," William Mays, a professor on campus, referenced his own book for proof of an abstract concept. When one of Mays' students inquired as to whether this was intellectually sound and asked for further proof, the professor simply glared at the student and said, "Looks like someone hasn't read the text."
Other professors are already excited for the possibilities. "You know, I wasn't going to write a book before, but now I've realized...you can publish anything these days. Why don't I just publish a bunch of hastily researched bullshit and make all my students buy it as truth?" said one professor. Another nearby professor who overhead the conversation exclaimed, "Genius!"
Some students, however, are less than pleased. "I came to Chapman to learn truth, man, you know?" said one heavily dread-locked student. Seriously, even his clearly visible chest hair had dreads.
Mays, still at the center of the controversy, has no regrets. "Nobody else would buy my poorly written text, so why not make students buy it in order to get a good grade? I'll know whether they actually got the information from my book or from a reputable source because they don't agree with each other at all!"
That same nearby professor shouted, "Genius!" again. The Daily Chapman is undecided whether or not he has psychological issues.
On Monday, in an act that scholars are calling "refreshing," William Mays, a professor on campus, referenced his own book for proof of an abstract concept. When one of Mays' students inquired as to whether this was intellectually sound and asked for further proof, the professor simply glared at the student and said, "Looks like someone hasn't read the text."
Other professors are already excited for the possibilities. "You know, I wasn't going to write a book before, but now I've realized...you can publish anything these days. Why don't I just publish a bunch of hastily researched bullshit and make all my students buy it as truth?" said one professor. Another nearby professor who overhead the conversation exclaimed, "Genius!"
Some students, however, are less than pleased. "I came to Chapman to learn truth, man, you know?" said one heavily dread-locked student. Seriously, even his clearly visible chest hair had dreads.
Mays, still at the center of the controversy, has no regrets. "Nobody else would buy my poorly written text, so why not make students buy it in order to get a good grade? I'll know whether they actually got the information from my book or from a reputable source because they don't agree with each other at all!"
That same nearby professor shouted, "Genius!" again. The Daily Chapman is undecided whether or not he has psychological issues.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Invisible Children Will Give You More Money for Textbooks
By History Major
This week, the Invisible Children Club will officially give you more money for your textbooks than the school. Their concert, Acholifest, on Friday November 13, normally costs $7 for presale, or $10 at the door. If you bring a college textbook to donate, however, they will drop the price down to $5 a ticket.
The $2 - $5 rebate that the club is giving has been hailed as a new step forward in getting rid of old textbooks. "Prior to this," said junior Ashley Herald, "I used my old textbooks as a door stop. At least then I got some value out of them."
It's widely known that at the end of the semester, Chapman "buys back" textbooks. It's a ritual that consists of three years spent waiting in line to sell back that one stupid physics book you never even cracked open only to get to the front of the line and find out that the school demands next year's students get a new version. "But this version was just released six months ago," you might scream into the vacuous, blackened hole that is their lack of caring before turning away frustrated and broke.
With this concert, however, you can instantly get $2 - $5 back, or approximately how much these textbooks are worth to you anyways. That money won't actually reach your wallet, since you just spent it to watch a bunch of bands that nobody's heard of. But hey, at least you won't see that $130 history textbook sitting on your shelf and mocking you anymore.
This week, the Invisible Children Club will officially give you more money for your textbooks than the school. Their concert, Acholifest, on Friday November 13, normally costs $7 for presale, or $10 at the door. If you bring a college textbook to donate, however, they will drop the price down to $5 a ticket.
The $2 - $5 rebate that the club is giving has been hailed as a new step forward in getting rid of old textbooks. "Prior to this," said junior Ashley Herald, "I used my old textbooks as a door stop. At least then I got some value out of them."
It's widely known that at the end of the semester, Chapman "buys back" textbooks. It's a ritual that consists of three years spent waiting in line to sell back that one stupid physics book you never even cracked open only to get to the front of the line and find out that the school demands next year's students get a new version. "But this version was just released six months ago," you might scream into the vacuous, blackened hole that is their lack of caring before turning away frustrated and broke.
With this concert, however, you can instantly get $2 - $5 back, or approximately how much these textbooks are worth to you anyways. That money won't actually reach your wallet, since you just spent it to watch a bunch of bands that nobody's heard of. But hey, at least you won't see that $130 history textbook sitting on your shelf and mocking you anymore.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sophomore Pussies Out of No-Shave November Already
By Harry Chin
On Saturday night, Sophomore Todd Wilson went to a party in Santa Ana. He had a week's worth of growth on his face as part of his participation in No-Shave November, a worldwide event in which the manliest of men decline to shave their facial hair for the whole month.
At first, Todd felt fine. People at the party recall Todd drinking a few beers and a couple shots and then chatting up a blonde girl he met. She was perhaps a little too chubby to qualify as "attractive," but Todd had been drinking for over an hour at this point. She, however, was not quite as drunk.
She told Todd that she found his facial hair "repulsive" when he asked her back to his place. This was the start of a crisis for Todd.
When he went home he stared at himself in the mirror. He pulled out the shaving cream, but echoes of his friend's words rang in his head. "Shave and I'll fucking kill you," and "You're such a pussy," circled through his mind like the demented wheel of a rusted merry-go-round.
He pulled out his razor. The words got louder. The razor connected with his face.
Suddenly, Todd felt a thump in the leg of his pants. He looked down. His testicles had fallen off and were lying on the floor of his bathroom.
[This has been a friendly PSA from The Daily Chapman reminding you males of the consequences of shaving during No-Shave November. Females, on the other hand, please disregard this article. When you don't shave, it's gross.]
On Saturday night, Sophomore Todd Wilson went to a party in Santa Ana. He had a week's worth of growth on his face as part of his participation in No-Shave November, a worldwide event in which the manliest of men decline to shave their facial hair for the whole month.
At first, Todd felt fine. People at the party recall Todd drinking a few beers and a couple shots and then chatting up a blonde girl he met. She was perhaps a little too chubby to qualify as "attractive," but Todd had been drinking for over an hour at this point. She, however, was not quite as drunk.
She told Todd that she found his facial hair "repulsive" when he asked her back to his place. This was the start of a crisis for Todd.
When he went home he stared at himself in the mirror. He pulled out the shaving cream, but echoes of his friend's words rang in his head. "Shave and I'll fucking kill you," and "You're such a pussy," circled through his mind like the demented wheel of a rusted merry-go-round.
He pulled out his razor. The words got louder. The razor connected with his face.
Suddenly, Todd felt a thump in the leg of his pants. He looked down. His testicles had fallen off and were lying on the floor of his bathroom.
[This has been a friendly PSA from The Daily Chapman reminding you males of the consequences of shaving during No-Shave November. Females, on the other hand, please disregard this article. When you don't shave, it's gross.]
Friday, November 6, 2009
American Celebration Not Very Patriotic
By Sam Eagle
Students Thursday night were disappointed when they attended American Celebration. "Who calls an event 'American Celebration' and then doesn't even supply apple pie?" asked one person who declined to be named. "It's heinous."
Others agreed. "I didn't find much in this program that really resonated with me on a national level," said senior history major Tom Wilton. "I thought there'd at least be some mention of the part that America played in World War II, or perhaps an interpretive dance to signify our country's belief in Manifest Destiny. As far as I could tell, none of that was mentioned. Maybe I just missed it; Doti's dance kind of went over my head."
The Chapman Republicans are already planning a new event that fully exploits the "American Celebration" moniker. "We're going to have guns, lemonade, and more burgers than you can throw an unemployed, uninsured American worker at," said Charles N. Morris, club member.
Students Thursday night were disappointed when they attended American Celebration. "Who calls an event 'American Celebration' and then doesn't even supply apple pie?" asked one person who declined to be named. "It's heinous."
Others agreed. "I didn't find much in this program that really resonated with me on a national level," said senior history major Tom Wilton. "I thought there'd at least be some mention of the part that America played in World War II, or perhaps an interpretive dance to signify our country's belief in Manifest Destiny. As far as I could tell, none of that was mentioned. Maybe I just missed it; Doti's dance kind of went over my head."
The Chapman Republicans are already planning a new event that fully exploits the "American Celebration" moniker. "We're going to have guns, lemonade, and more burgers than you can throw an unemployed, uninsured American worker at," said Charles N. Morris, club member.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Lack of Dislike Button Starts Riot
by Daringer Hofbeau
One of many updates to the popular social networking website "Facebook," was the addition of a "Like" button which was personified by a little thumbs up icon. For example, if someone has a status update reading "Beer is awesome," and you feel that nothing else can be said, you can display your approval with a click and a virtual thumbs up.
With an endless amount of statuses, photos, relationship stati, wall posts, and even "activity" to like, people have decided that "liking" is not as fashionable as the opposite option, "disliking." "It's simple, we want a button that embodies a nice, hearty 'fuck you' to whoever reads it," screamed Sophomore Allan Jameson. "Facebook only allows for ironic passive aggression, and that doesn't fucking cut it."
It all started when a student at Chapman University posted a status update saying, "I like liking things" and then proceeded to like his/her own status. The display of such excessive liking caused a deep-seeded rage in frequent Facebook user/professional masturbator Junior Ulysses Shane. "I wanted to dislike the status, but I COULDN'T!" Shane decided to voice his opinion by starting a Facebook group, claiming that one million people joining would magically create a dislike button.
The people of the group were then brainwashed, told to love a false and vengeful god, and then were gathered to set fire to the Global Citizen's Plaza to embody their anger to not be able to show their anger on the internet. To the angry mob's dismay, the Global Citizen's Plaza is a fountain and therefore being lubricated with water makes it fire retardant. After several failed attempts, one minion posted their Facebook status as "the big ball wouldn't catch on fire :'(". 8 people have liked the status so far. More on this story as it develops.
One of many updates to the popular social networking website "Facebook," was the addition of a "Like" button which was personified by a little thumbs up icon. For example, if someone has a status update reading "Beer is awesome," and you feel that nothing else can be said, you can display your approval with a click and a virtual thumbs up.
With an endless amount of statuses, photos, relationship stati, wall posts, and even "activity" to like, people have decided that "liking" is not as fashionable as the opposite option, "disliking." "It's simple, we want a button that embodies a nice, hearty 'fuck you' to whoever reads it," screamed Sophomore Allan Jameson. "Facebook only allows for ironic passive aggression, and that doesn't fucking cut it."
It all started when a student at Chapman University posted a status update saying, "I like liking things" and then proceeded to like his/her own status. The display of such excessive liking caused a deep-seeded rage in frequent Facebook user/professional masturbator Junior Ulysses Shane. "I wanted to dislike the status, but I COULDN'T!" Shane decided to voice his opinion by starting a Facebook group, claiming that one million people joining would magically create a dislike button.
The people of the group were then brainwashed, told to love a false and vengeful god, and then were gathered to set fire to the Global Citizen's Plaza to embody their anger to not be able to show their anger on the internet. To the angry mob's dismay, the Global Citizen's Plaza is a fountain and therefore being lubricated with water makes it fire retardant. After several failed attempts, one minion posted their Facebook status as "the big ball wouldn't catch on fire :'(". 8 people have liked the status so far. More on this story as it develops.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Daily Chapman Abandons Concise Reporting in Favor of Long, Winding Articles With No Real Purpose or Value Unless You Want to Learn a Life Lesson, Bro
By The Wordsmith
The Daily Chapman on this day, the fourth of November in our year of the Lord 2009 did decide amongst our staff and our writers but mostly our staff but kind of our writers also that they and by they we mean we should abandon our and by our I mean their tradition of concise and clear reporting in favor of a new style of reporting in which we get paid by the word like Dickens of old. While this, and by this I mean "the style of reporting chosen," might seem ridiculous in light of the fact that nobody actually gets paid at this website in anything but black jellybeans, and thus getting paid more for word is not very useful as every black jellybean you eat and enjoy makes you less and less American, it was hailed as a momentous occasion for all those people, and by people I mean Chapman students, who sit in class and listen attentively and by listen attentively I obviously mean read The Daily Chapman.
The move is in response to a number of other respectable news outlets doing the same thing, and by thing I of course imply "the style of reporting formerly not practiced by us and by us I mean The Daily Chapman and now practiced by us and by us I mean The Daily Chapman." It seems so simple and/or easy to just ramble on for pages and pages about stuff that nobody really cares about or stuff that applies to absolutely nobody at all; in fact, it is quite simple to do such a thing, and so doing so will now be, and I repeat, now be a top priority -- top priority -- of our news site, meaning this here page that your retinas are in the process of regarding.
We're so happy and by we I mean The Daily Chapman writers and staff that you can now spend all your time wasting time on here because our articles will be very long and detailed and yet full of absolute fluff. We feel and by feel we really mean hope that articles in this style will more suit the average length you've come to expect from a newspaper. If The Panther can spend a whole center-of-paper spread discussing Twitter or smart phones at length, cannot we with our infinite allotment of 1's and 0's craft something equally -- strike that -- GREATER in length?
Cannot we use this beautiful forum of mind-meshing to present to you needlessly long articles about things that don't matter instead of covering legitimate campus news? Are not we doing you a favor by writing as much as we can about as much as we can, where in this case that means writing verbose and prolific pieces about a number of things real and unreal which nobody gives two hoots about?
Must we stick to our old, burdened ways in which we report in an organized and time-friendly fashion? It seems to me that this, and by this I mean simply writing shorter articles, is by far and away the most detrimental thing about modern journalism; why write concise when you can vomit words profusely all over the page and then spit that vomit into someone's eyes where it will scar for eternity.
No! fight back, riot, kill, shoot, knife, lie, slay, battle, destroy the parasite, enemy of free will! Write what you want! Even if it sprawls all over the page like the dead hooker you woke up to last week, you can then take solace in knowing that you, faithful reader, have written a piece worth being proud of, or at least good enough to get you into the school paper. That is, if you're on their staff.
Were you one of those people that never had enough to write in an essay in high school, so you began to use words like "indubitably" and "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" in order to waste space? Then you'd be perfect meaning absolutely suited to writing articles in this fashion in which you just ramble on for hours in order to make a point that everyone got with the first sentence that you wrote or at the very latest in your thesis statement.
It's too bad meaning sad really because sad is a better word for this phenomenon: we, staff and writers at The Daily Chapman, were just finally getting sort of used to the idea of concise reporting and then we have to turn around and change everything around in order to fit what readers want. The Panther recently instructed all of us how to use Twitter, but not a single paragraph of this article could fit inside one measly tweet.
tl;dnr
Conciseness sucks. Ramble on.
The Daily Chapman on this day, the fourth of November in our year of the Lord 2009 did decide amongst our staff and our writers but mostly our staff but kind of our writers also that they and by they we mean we should abandon our and by our I mean their tradition of concise and clear reporting in favor of a new style of reporting in which we get paid by the word like Dickens of old. While this, and by this I mean "the style of reporting chosen," might seem ridiculous in light of the fact that nobody actually gets paid at this website in anything but black jellybeans, and thus getting paid more for word is not very useful as every black jellybean you eat and enjoy makes you less and less American, it was hailed as a momentous occasion for all those people, and by people I mean Chapman students, who sit in class and listen attentively and by listen attentively I obviously mean read The Daily Chapman.
The move is in response to a number of other respectable news outlets doing the same thing, and by thing I of course imply "the style of reporting formerly not practiced by us and by us I mean The Daily Chapman and now practiced by us and by us I mean The Daily Chapman." It seems so simple and/or easy to just ramble on for pages and pages about stuff that nobody really cares about or stuff that applies to absolutely nobody at all; in fact, it is quite simple to do such a thing, and so doing so will now be, and I repeat, now be a top priority -- top priority -- of our news site, meaning this here page that your retinas are in the process of regarding.
We're so happy and by we I mean The Daily Chapman writers and staff that you can now spend all your time wasting time on here because our articles will be very long and detailed and yet full of absolute fluff. We feel and by feel we really mean hope that articles in this style will more suit the average length you've come to expect from a newspaper. If The Panther can spend a whole center-of-paper spread discussing Twitter or smart phones at length, cannot we with our infinite allotment of 1's and 0's craft something equally -- strike that -- GREATER in length?
Cannot we use this beautiful forum of mind-meshing to present to you needlessly long articles about things that don't matter instead of covering legitimate campus news? Are not we doing you a favor by writing as much as we can about as much as we can, where in this case that means writing verbose and prolific pieces about a number of things real and unreal which nobody gives two hoots about?
Must we stick to our old, burdened ways in which we report in an organized and time-friendly fashion? It seems to me that this, and by this I mean simply writing shorter articles, is by far and away the most detrimental thing about modern journalism; why write concise when you can vomit words profusely all over the page and then spit that vomit into someone's eyes where it will scar for eternity.
No! fight back, riot, kill, shoot, knife, lie, slay, battle, destroy the parasite, enemy of free will! Write what you want! Even if it sprawls all over the page like the dead hooker you woke up to last week, you can then take solace in knowing that you, faithful reader, have written a piece worth being proud of, or at least good enough to get you into the school paper. That is, if you're on their staff.
Were you one of those people that never had enough to write in an essay in high school, so you began to use words like "indubitably" and "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" in order to waste space? Then you'd be perfect meaning absolutely suited to writing articles in this fashion in which you just ramble on for hours in order to make a point that everyone got with the first sentence that you wrote or at the very latest in your thesis statement.
It's too bad meaning sad really because sad is a better word for this phenomenon: we, staff and writers at The Daily Chapman, were just finally getting sort of used to the idea of concise reporting and then we have to turn around and change everything around in order to fit what readers want. The Panther recently instructed all of us how to use Twitter, but not a single paragraph of this article could fit inside one measly tweet.
tl;dnr
Conciseness sucks. Ramble on.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Girl with Non-Slutty Costume Gets Lucky on Halloween
by the Resident Womanizer
Freshman Eleanor Delano is reportedly the only female attending Chapman University to have both chosen to wear a decent costume on Halloween and have a random, sloppy hookup. She wore a fanciful Victorian-style dress, which many of her friends believed made her "unbangable." Although criticized for her period-style choice of wardrobe, Eleanor said she thought it for the better that she wore a dress that adequately covered her danger zone. "My mother told me that if I had sexual intercourse before my college graduation, then my clit would fall off," Eleanor reported terrified.
When Eleanor arrived at the party, she was hailed jokingly as the Queen of England and then left alone for a while. "I really wouldn't have expected anyone to find her attractive in that dress. It's not that it was an ugly dress; it just left too much to the imagination and we were pretty drunk," reported super-senior Jeff.
Towards the end of the party, Eleanor went up a flight of stairs slowly, her dress flapped, and her calf was exposed to anyone in the general vicinity. At that instant, Junior Josh Brandonworth was aroused and followed her up the same flight of stairs. "I told her nice calf, not like the cow. I didn't know I was funny until that moment," commented Brandonworth. From there, Josh followed Eleanor to one of the bedrooms and the rest of the night is the stuff of urban legend. Whatever the case, I think we as Americans can all sleep better at night knowing that Eleanor Delano got some action in not-so-revealing Halloween attire.
Freshman Eleanor Delano is reportedly the only female attending Chapman University to have both chosen to wear a decent costume on Halloween and have a random, sloppy hookup. She wore a fanciful Victorian-style dress, which many of her friends believed made her "unbangable." Although criticized for her period-style choice of wardrobe, Eleanor said she thought it for the better that she wore a dress that adequately covered her danger zone. "My mother told me that if I had sexual intercourse before my college graduation, then my clit would fall off," Eleanor reported terrified.
When Eleanor arrived at the party, she was hailed jokingly as the Queen of England and then left alone for a while. "I really wouldn't have expected anyone to find her attractive in that dress. It's not that it was an ugly dress; it just left too much to the imagination and we were pretty drunk," reported super-senior Jeff.
Towards the end of the party, Eleanor went up a flight of stairs slowly, her dress flapped, and her calf was exposed to anyone in the general vicinity. At that instant, Junior Josh Brandonworth was aroused and followed her up the same flight of stairs. "I told her nice calf, not like the cow. I didn't know I was funny until that moment," commented Brandonworth. From there, Josh followed Eleanor to one of the bedrooms and the rest of the night is the stuff of urban legend. Whatever the case, I think we as Americans can all sleep better at night knowing that Eleanor Delano got some action in not-so-revealing Halloween attire.
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