Daily Chapman New Years Resolution Creates Chapman’s First Ever AA Group

By Resident Foot Massage Expert Richard Dyck

After a meeting of Daily Chapman Senior Staff Members in Boulder, CO Thursday morning, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick announced that The Daily Chapman would be sponsoring Chapman University’s first ever Alcoholics Anonymous group. “For the New Year, we at The Daily Chapman have decided to reinvest ourselves spiritually,” said Wortwick. “Part of our religious tradition and part of our responsibility as members of this Christian nation is to love each and every person, in spite of their imperfections. It is important for us to embrace and encourage imperfections because it is those imperfections that make people truly beautiful.”

“The group will meet every Thursday night at the offices of The Daily Chapman,” explained Daily Chapman Press Security William P. Blackwell. “And it will encourage poor drinking behavior such as binge drinking, emptying kegs straight into one’s mouth, and drinking enough red wine to get that awful red wine headache. Attendees are encouraged to share stories, such as getting shit-faced on a Monday for no reason, drinking in class, and punching some asshole in the face because he was too drunk to know the difference, as a means to cope with their imperfection. We believe that all of these events will help attendees to cope with their alcoholism and realize that they are not alone.”

The new support group has already come under heavy criticism from people who don’t know how to have fun. “Encouraging alcoholics to continue their alcoholic behaviors is simply irresponsible,” said Orange Resident Maria Ameña Lopez. “Alcohol is an addiction and it should be treated like an addiction.”

“Yeah, alcohol is addicting,” said Wortwick. “But you know what’s really addicting? Heroin. We don’t condone that shit.”

From all of his here at The Daily Chapman, thank you for a beautiful 2009. As we ring in 2010, remember to embrace the imperfections in those you love, because let’s face it, if Alan Wortwick wasn’t such an alcoholic, we wouldn’t love him as much. All the best to you and yours. We raise our glass to you.

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If part of your New Years Resolution includes getting laid more often, consider what being apart of The Daily Chapman can do for your sex life. Want to get laid? Want to write for the Daily Chapman? Contact the Benevolent Dictator today at admin@dailychapman.com and join our team! It’s great for your sex life and your liver!

Daily Chapman Celebrates White Christmas

By Alan Wortwick

Twats the night before Christmas: all through the Daily Chapman house
Not a mattress wasn’t squeaking, not even for Uncle Klaus
The pants were thrown above the chimney with kinky-ness
In hopes that no one would get prego this slutty Christmas

The Asians were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of prostitutes sucking their small heads.
And mamma wore nothing, not even a cap
Because she knew tonight there would be no winter’s nap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I flew with my cock,
Tore open the shutters and looked up at the clock.

The black men were pissed off out on our lawn
They were not invited to our Christmas fun
We misunderstood when they said to dream
Of a White Christmas as our party theme

So this Christmas we weren’t racist
I am just a simple bassist
Who enjoys singing White Christmas
Full overflowing beer glasses.

From all of us here at The Daily Chapman
We wish you a Merry Christmas, especially Batman.
We look forward to blowing your minds in 2010
It’ll be all sorts of fun for you and your kin.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Sexually,
Rev. Alan Wortwick, PhD and Friends
The Daily Chapman

A Holiday Letter from Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick

by Alan Wortwick, Editor-In-Chef

Dearest Friends and Committed Fans of The Daily Chapman,

As many of you are well-aware, Chapman University has seen a rather interesting semester. With a large number of The Daily Chapman senior staff overseas, Chapman's student pregnancy rates have decreased, Hooves liquor (located at the corner of Walnut and Glassell) has noticed a severe decrease in quarterly sales, the number of public urination incidents has declined and the quantity of bull feces that the Chapman University administration has implemented increased almost sixfold. As creator and Editor-In-Chef of this fine news source, I commend the great work of Resident Editor-In-Chef (Fall '09) Larry Prendergast. He has succeeded in maintaining a high journalistic ethic and has continued to report the news in a way that only The Daily Chapman can with a very limited number of staff people in these very difficult times. My hat is off to him and I very much respect the work that he and all of our staff has done in promoting a world of true, accurate, and effective journalism.

However, with our one year anniversary approaching and the arrival of this special holiday season, we here at The Daily Chapman have decided to take some time to give thanks and focus on that which is most important to the world: Vagina. This holiday season, join The Daily Chapman in giving thanks for a vagina (or twelve) that has made a difference in your life. Take time to stroke, lick, penetrate and enjoy that vagina, because without our vaginas, the vaginas of America, where would we be? What kind of people would be?

I invite each and everyone of you to join The Daily Chapman as we take time to celebrate each other's vaginas. Go and be merry this holiday season, because I know I will. We will return for Interterm feeling, shall I say, refreshed and healed, sexually.

We invite members of the community to think this holiday season about what is most important in life. Do you believe in journalistic ethic? Do you believe in the power of truth and perseverance? Do you believe in The Daily Chapman? Then we encourage you to contact us. The Daily Chapman is always looking for new writers and new members of our family. The Spring 2010 semester will bring new fervor to The Daily Chapman and my personal sex-life, for which I can only thank The Daily Chapman and alcohol. Your sexual freedom is just around the corner. Contact us today.

Our offices are located at:
535 N. Grand St. #453
Orange, CA 92866
720-260-4009
admin@dailychapman.com

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and that one Jew Holiday, too. Enjoy each other's vaginas and love every moment of your freedom. We look forward to making awkward sexual advances towards you and your kin as well as serving you in bringing only the finest, most important news.

With all the love in my heart, I thank you for your continued support and I look forward to returning to serve you in the cumming year.

Moustache,

Alan Wortwick
Editor-In-Chef
The Daily Chapman
720-260-4009 ext. 001
awortwick@dailychapman.com

Daily Chapman Honors Vietnam Group

By Edward Noble

The Daily Chapman this week honored the Swift Boat Veterans for Johnathan Swift by keeping their timely and insightful post at the top of the front page for five whole days. The piece -- a groundbreaking study on rain and its effects on Chapman University students -- was hailed as a "masterpiece of literature" by a professor who actually was talking about Charles Dickens' Great Expectations at the time but somebody was reading The Daily Chapman on a laptop nearby so that sort of counts, right?

"We really felt that the piece was important to the Chapman community," said Daily Chapman editor Larry Prendergast. "The piece was in no way, shape, or form left on the front page because of the busy-ness/drunkenness/intrinsic laziness of the staff members upon which the Daily Chapman relies for content."

Writer John Pierce agreed; "Yeah, definitely just thought it was a good article. What? Laziness? Who told you that, you fucking bastard?"

I had to cut the interview short when Pierce tried to stab me with a toothpick. However, it appears clear that the Daily Chapman staff really just wanted to honor the Swiftboat Veterans for Johnathan Swift.

[Got extra time during finals week? Want to be published for people to see your work? Send an article to admin@dailychapman.com and you might get posted on the front page!]

Increasing Amount of Student Vietnam Flashbacks

By The Swift Boat Veterans for Jonathan Swift

Sophomore Charlie Briggand awoke Monday morning, ready for the last week before finals. He opened his door to find a torrential downpour. Blanching, he went back inside to grab his coat.

Briggand told us this from the waiting room of the Student Psychological Services department. Lighting a cigarette, he stared at us with deadened eyes. "Reminds me of my time in 'Nam," he whispered.

He's not the only one. Reports are coming in from all over campus today of students dropping to the ground when lightning flashes, smearing mud all over their faces in a panicked attempt to blend in. One student was spotted with a shovel on memorial lawn. When a crowd walked near, he reportedly told them to "get their own damn foxhole."

One student trudged through the rain with great resolve, holding a tarpaulin over his head. "If it ain't the bugs it's the god damned rain," he muttered. "I'm gonna need to get me some new socks. Fucking 'Nam."

Some experts are afraid that the continued rain will fool these young, impressionable minds into believing that the draft is occurring again. They say to watch out for a sudden rise in men describing themselves as homosexuals. Also, men with missing big toes may become more prominent.

If your friend has a flashback, please remember as he holds a knife to your throat and calls you a "God Forsaken Viet-Fucking-Cong" that it's not his fault. It's all the fault of that damn Agent Orange.

Student Wants Socks

By Jack N. Otgnilleks

Many students at Chapman this year are finding it increasingly hard to think of Christmas gifts that they want. This is not the case for senior Tyler Wilson.

"I want socks."

While socks is an insult as a child, Wilson would be glad for just one pair. "I can't even take my shoes off in any respectable environment anymore, due to the giant holes in my socks. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I don't even wear socks with my shoes."

When Chapman raised its tuition by two grand in conjunction with the drastic tumble in the economy this past year, many families tightened their belts in various ways. For Wilson, "socks" was one of the first items taken off the budget. Other items include "new belt" and "toilet paper."

Wilson isn't letting it get him down, however. "Yeah, it's been a really hard year. I won't let that stop me from my dream of graduating with a Creative Writing/Philosophy double major, however!" he said, smiling.

To donate and help support Tyler Wilson's quest for socks, click here

Class Party "Underwhelming"

By Party Critic Chad P. AmBROsius

If there's one thing I know, it's that I've been to a lot of parties in my time. Big parties, little parties, Hollywood parties, baby showers, bachelor parties, illegal parties, parties with police, birthday parties, underwater parties, parties in outer space, zombie parties -- you name it, and I've been there.

It's with that outstanding resume of party experience that I tell you Professor John Sanker's Latin 102 class party yesterday was a pile of suck.

Over the years, I've come up with a simple three-point checklist to make sure that every party is a success. These three things are:
1) Alcohol
2) Hot girls
3) Alcohol

Now, either Professor Sanker completely missed my checklist or he chose not to follow it. In either case, what could have been an awesome party definitely missed the mark from square one.

You'll notice that alcohol is higher on the list than hot girls. This is because with the correct (read: liberal) application of alcohol to the stomach/brain, any girl can appear hot. Hell, any guy can appear hot.

Basically, fuck you John Sanker for not having alcohol at your Latin 102 party. Your party was like watching Stephen Hawking try to walk down stai-- on second thought, that would be pretty funny to watch.

And your party was most definitely not. It sucked.

Rating: Two empty kegs and a tranny hooker.

"Consuming Kids" Not Cannibal Documentary

by The Bull Dyke

The Folino Theater was crowded with angry Chapman students and members of the Orange community tonight after a screening of Consuming Kids turned out to be about marketing to youth instead of the growing "child cannibalism" movement.

Consuming Kids, a documentary produced by the Media Education Foundation, detailed the ways that children's broadcasting conditions young children to become mindless capitalists. Its message was especially tailored to the yuppie parents in attendance, who heard about the event on Twitter, and don't own a TV in their home anyway because it makes them feel superior.

But not everyone in the audience was satisfied with the subject matter.

"For years I've been living in seclusion, feasting on any spare children I can come across," lamented Gary Nelson, 44, who resides in the same sketch apartment complex you do. "I found the movie screening on one of the Orange County family chat rooms I troll, you know, for resources. And for once in my life, I thought, my God! I'm not alone. I can finally live as myself." He shook his head. "Then I come here and sit through this shit...though the Bratz doll commercials they showed made it a little more palatable."

"What do I care whether kids are watching more TV than they used to?" grumbled Liam Kearney, 31. "That just means they're spending more time inside and not outdoors at public parks where I can abduct them and harvest their undeveloped organs."

In fact, the screening was a veritable lightning rod for drifting child cannibals in Orange County looking for a safe harbor. Though the film was not what they had hoped, they admirably made the most of an unfortunate situation and banded together to form the citizen's brigade of NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Lunch Association). This reporter witnessed no fewer than 17 attendees fill out a phone tree and a calendar noting who would be bringing fava beans and chianti wine to each bi-monthly meeting.

By coincidence, one of the children of the formerly-mentioned yuppie parents slipped out of the Folino after the screening. After a momentary panic, his mother, Hailey Lu, 26, concluded that there was nothing abnormal about his absence. "That film must have been awfully disturbing to Dresden's young psyche," she mused. "I'm sure he must've just ridden his bike home to do some yoga."

Registrar Punks “Lucky Fucker”

By Study Abroad Correspondent Alan Wortwick

After a long, joyous Thanksgiving break, Chapman University registrar Amanda Youssef returned to her office in order to, “deal with those ungrateful fucking kids.” When she did, she was greeted by an e-mail from senior Collin Whitehouse who has been enjoying his semester abroad in New Zealand.

Whitehouse spent considerable time and effort in October of 2008 in order to square away his Fall 2009 study abroad paperwork. His course load was checked, triple checked and approved several times, but Youssef didn’t care. Citing only the fact that Whitehouse was a “lucky fucker” and that if she “could’ve spent four months in New Zealand [she] wouldn’t fucking complain,” she authoritatively changed the equivalent courses for all of his abroad courses ensuring that he would have to spend a ninth semester at Chapman University. Youssef sat back quietly in her chair and smiled to herself. “Lucky fucker deserves it.”

This is the third report of registrar punking “lucky, sucking, fucking, goddamn, piss-stained abroad assholes” that has been revealed to The Daily Chapman. When asked if there would be any sort of reconciliation between the registrar and these abroad students, Dean of Students Jerry Price simply said, “They seceded from Chapman University. It is my responsible to keep this union together and resist separatists like The Dalai Lama. No one shall challenge the People’s Republic of Chapman. No one.”

Although it is expected that bureaucratic bullshit will keep these students from ever receiving credit for their study abroad experiences, registrar Craig Stephens has been complaining about an above average reception of undesired urine and feces samples in recent mail addressed to the registrar’s office. Unfortunately, he was not impressed by one that had a return address as “Alan Wortwick, bitch! Sevilla, ES” and several Euros worth of Spanish postage. Cunt. Do you know how hard it is to ship piss?