by Milton Wattoms
Thursday, Associated Students approved of Chapman's first ever "Abstinence Club". "Its a club for people who want to wait until marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse," said founder Robert Munson. "I know I'm not the only one out there."
Unfortunately, Friday night, it was found that Munson was the only one. Spectators found the event to be "a room full of sexually frustrated and eager" men and women who "more than likely are so kinky that they masturbate with stolen cheese."
"It was the makings of a disaster," said attendee Morgan Jacobson. "25 people who haven't had sex in 18-22 years... It was obvious what would happen next."
Of those in attendance, 24 followed the event by returning to their dorm rooms in pairs and "fucking so loud I could hear it through the vent," said ear witness Joshua Mancrave. "It was a symphony of fuck."
Munson returned home and played Xbox Live alone in the dark. He has not been seen without his Xbox controller since the incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.
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