by Detective Joe Wombat
Citing an obscure executive order put in place after the 9/11 attacks, Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Daily Chapman a “terrorist organization promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and called for the immediate arrest of Alan Wortwick, editor-in-chef of the Daily Chapman.
Executive Order 66 was passed into law on September 13, 2001, when Cheney slipped the wording of the Executive Order into a pile of letters that then President George W. Bush signed. The order allows ex-vice presidents whose last names begin with C to declare limited martial law at any time.
Chapman students have become concerned during the past four weeks as the number of black helicopters circling the campus started increasing. After several hours, it became clear that someone, most likely Cheney, had called the Terrorist Weapons And Training Squad (TWATS) out to locate and detain Wortwick.
Wortwick, thought to be of country for the past six months, is suspected of obtaining weapons of mass destruction in his travels to Europe. It is widely held by anti-terror experts that he had brought back enough objects disguised as gifts to assemble an object resembling a "refrigerator" or “television” or “suitcase” bomb. The TWATS, also known as “The Men in Black”, have been vigorously interrogating associates of Wortwick’s in the hope of locating him. Wortwick’s attorney, Moe Bilkym, was unavailable for comment, and seems also to have disappeared, most likely in accordance with PATRIOT Act.
“Wortwick and his aggressive, well thought out, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism must have been seen as a serious threat by corporate interests located in the United States and China, as well as by Rupert Murdoch, “ George Huxley, media analyst opined. “I’m pretty sure these charges are trumped up and may have something to do with the price of a share of Halliburton.”
“We have a place for the likes of Wortwick, “ said Ex-Vice Cheney,” Somewhere that makes Guantanamo look like a Club Med. We have a whole new definition of water sports in those places.”
In the meantime, sources say that Wortwick’s whereabouts remain unknown. However, in accordance with standard treatment for terrorists in the recently released Executive Order 66, he could have been secretly injected with HG Hormone and ground into McDonald’s ¼ pounder patties.
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