Daily Chapman Staff “Too Influenced” By That There “Nigger Music”?

By Resident Music Critic Adam Wallaby

“Yeah! We raided that shit!” said Michael Bixby of the Chapman University division of the Klu Klux Klan. “We had feelin’ that them there Daily Chapman staff were bein’ influenced by that there nigger music! End we were right!”

Photographs taken by Bixby and his imaginary colleagues revealed a considerable amount of old LP records like John Coltrane’s “My Favorite Things” and Miles Davis’s “Kind of Blue” living in residence at the library of the Offices of the Daily Chapman.

“They’re niggers!” said Bixby. “Damn dirty niggers!”

The records were part of an extensive collection of John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Charles Mingus, Art Blakey, Duke Ellington, Wynton Marsalis and other historicist jazz and bebop records that have been acquired by senior staff members Alan Wortwick, William Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea.

“Yer know what makes me sick!” said Bixby. “I found them there cigarettes and malt beverages in that shit! And grape drink! They had grape drink!”

“I like to have a cigarette and listen to bop when I write,” said Alan Wortwick. “It makes me feel classy, like I’m fighting the good fight. I feel the power behind Dizzy Gillespie’s anti-racism message and it makes me want to stand up against civil injustice.”

“Spoken like a true nigger!” said Bixby.

Michael Bixby was arrested mid-interview for breaking and entering. No further comment could be made.