By Jared O’Grapejus
Sunday, sophomore Biology Major and Delta Theta Delta member Ronald Mixtins announced a new breed of “whale-like dinosaur” that has been found to still be in existence in the humble state of California. Mixtins describes the new breed as a “five and a half foot tall, two-hundred pound, scaly, cold-blooded, whale-like monster” that attacks with a “strange pounce like advance” and “thrives on alcoholic beverages and human semen.” He has deemed the strange creature the “Twatasaurus Rex,” which Mixtins says he named after his “bitch of an ex-girlfriend.”
“It’s terrifying,” said Mixtins. “It comes at you from nowhere, pounces and then uses its stubby tentacle like appendages to try and massage your genitalia. It is violating and extremely dangerous. Chapman students must be cautious.”
Sightings fitting to Mixtins description of the Twatasaurus Rex have been pouring in from all over campus. The Daily Chapman warns students, most especially men, to stay away from these creatures. They have frequently been found wearing sweatshirts with strange non-descript two or three letter words on them, such as “kow”, “rob”, and “ao”. Students are encouraged to file any sightings of the Twatasaurus Rex with the Chapman University Department of Public Safety.
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