by the Academic Dean of Drug Abuse Dr. Michael Scottstan
Friday, student Mitchell Craig realized the he was sitting in a room full of "stupid, obnoxious white people." The party, thrown by Chapman's only ordained Jewish fraternity, Sigma Beta Mu, consisted of twenty-six white men and a bong. "That was when it hit me," said Craig. "I need some black dudes in my life. These pasteys just ain't doing it anymore."
Sources tell the Daily Chapman that Craig spent his Saturday night in a drunken stupor, pontificating his desire to be the first white dude to join the Black Student Union, much to the dismay of white Black Student Union member Bob Goldstein. "That whitey ain't got no clue what he talkin' bout," said Goldstein. "This shit is real."
Craig cordially invites all of Chapman's African American students to attend his birthday party at his house on W. Adams Ave next Sunday night at 10pm. "All I want for my birthday this year," said Craig, "are some black friends.
"I'm not racist... Some of my best friends are white."
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