by Wat Billerson
Corruption! With candidate Joseph Quintana being investigated for rigging election results, so too is The Daily Chapman being investigated for not rigging the election results! "It's absurd!" said A.S. Director of Communications Michael Julius. "The Daily Chapman had to be involved. Their the only people corrupt enough to fuck with an A.S. election. They're power-hungry slobs, I tell you! Power-hungry slobs!
With only a 13% voter turnout for this year's election, many have suggested that the Daily Chapman is "promoting apathy" and "pushing people away from Chapman." "Eh," wrote Alan Wortwick in an e-mail to A.S. "I just like, don't even fucking care, man. Why are you asking me these questions. Elections are a joke... I voted for my nutsack and it had a high probability of winning! ... Can't wait to see the election results."
"The election results should be available as soon as somebody gives a shit," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "For now, whatever. I'm going to lunch."
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