By Anal Dinosaurs
In an editorial released on The Panther online today, Jerry Price discussed Chapman’s new plan to take over the world. According to Price, the Department of Housing and Residence Life’s sovereignty now extends to all off-campus housing. “[If] off-campus incidents [are determined]… to the level of an egregious disruption,” says Price, “disciplinary action will be taken.”
In accordance with the new plan, the City of Orange and other surrounding cities will be divided into special districts, which will be governed individually by Resident Dictators (RDs) and their assistants, deemed Dictator’s Official Undergraduate Cops Having Executive Sovereignty (DOUCHES). These DOUCHES will stop by occasionally to off-campus residences to make sure that your residence is devoid of alcohol, marijuana and heroin and to tell you about cool bake sales and movie screenings. In the occurrence of a noise complaint or other egregious disruption (including smoking outdoors in close proximity to your residence, possessing candles or toasters, and putting tacks or nails into your walls), the DOUCHES will cite you and return said citation to the area RD, will take appropriate action.
“We trusted that students would be intelligent enough not to have candles in their homes and risk the destruction of their residence,” said Assistant to the Resident Director Michael Burle. “I guess we misjudged our student’s ability to possess common sense.”
According to Price, these new measures will take effect immediately and any individual with two or more of said “egregious disruptions” should expect immediate probation with the potential for suspension on the third. Rumors that students who have already committed in excess of six “egregious disruptions” in the past are to be dick slapped immediately have not yet been confirmed.
Students with questions regarding this new policy should e-mail Jerry Price at jprice@chapman.edu.
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