by Clayton Bigsby
At approximately 12:52 a.m., two commuter students successfully infiltrated Sandhu Residence Center whilst tip-toeing and very loudly singing the theme music from James Bond. "It was pretty obvious what they were trying to do," said sophomore Alan Kintzing. "If they weren't white and obviously retarded, we would've done something about it."
New shit has come to light suggesting that the two infiltrators may have actually been working for Public Safety the whole time. "We wanted to test the security systems that were in place," said Sergeant Blackburn. "They are obviously faulty." Blackburn then details plans for a new Public Safety ad campaign titled the "White and Retarded Doesn't Mean Ok" campaign. "We want our students to consistently be aware of potentially dangerous individuals entering the residence halls. You never know what teh Dominoes man will do."
The two infiltrators were detained on the fourth floor of Sandhu hall where they were found frolicking in front of the film floor projector making what they call "projector angels." "Seriously?" said Kintzing. "Seriously. White and retarded. Obviously Chapman students."
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