by Aaron Schmitt
After over a week of aggressive negotiations, owners and operators of the former "Daily Chapman" have willingly and authentically handed over control of their fun and games newspaper to the incredible powers that be in the College Republicans club.
"We're extremely excited," said Vice Chair Nicoli McKale. "DailyChapman.com now stands for the greatest moral force in the galaxy. We will band together as a university and everyone shall hear, 'Hail Pete the Panther!' as we march through our glorious campus, free of homos and abortion."
Under the new authority, DailyChapman.com will now be a gajillion times better. It will openly oppose those homosexuals and abortion, as well as women's and race rights. It will also demand lower taxes, raise tuition rates (to support the great Jim Doti and Pete the Panther), move in a direction towards the Christian right and only focus on that which is most important to us as human beings: our money.
For the first time ever, the GOP will finally have a voice at Chapman: a voice that opposes those goddamn hippies and stands for that which is morally right. We promise you that we will forever support Chapman and lower taxes, that we we will forever support truth and jusitce, pro-life and Proposition 8. We will be a power. We will be a voice. We are DailyChapman.com: The GOP's First and Only News Site Devoted to School Spirit.
Thank you for your support of this transition. May God bless you.
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