by Officer John Minkle, Chief of Security, Offices of the Daily Chapman
Here are the final statistics for the Offices of the Daily Chapman between the dates of February 12 and February 15.
Registered Staff Members in Office for Over 24 Hours: 5
Guest Entrances: 72
Sessions of Intercourse: 216
Positive Pregnancy Tests: 18
Handles of Vodka Consumed: 6
Handles of Rum Consumed: 11
Handles of Gin Consumed: 4
Liters of Mixers Consumed: 43
Feelings of Remorse: 12%
Positive Sexual Experiences: 91.5%
Individuals Anticipating Future Relationships: 23
Dumb People Engaged In Intercourse: 23
Articles Written: 0
Overall, numbers show a 42% increase in satisfaction from last year's enjoyable activities. To register for the 2011 Holiday Weekend at the Offices of the Daily Chapman, contact Alan Wortwick at awortwick@dailychapman.com.
2 complaints:
You guys are getting less and less funny. What the hell happened?
Dear loyal reader,
I appreciate your concern. We're (surprisingly enough) running out of things to make fun of that we haven't already touched on. Plus, for whatever reason, most of our writers have left and most of the rest of them are very sick. We've been talking about how to make things better, but with people who have sentiments like yours, we really have no motivation to even keep it going, let me be honest.
If you have ideas of what you'd like to see, e-mail me at awortwick@dailychapman.com. Otherwise, shut you piehole. We're doing the best we can.
Best,
ADubs
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