Fraternity is COMPLETELY Sincere

by The New Guy

Americans everywhere are questioning the legitimacy of fraternities’ hazing rituals after recent reports surfaced of activities which resulted in life-threatening injuries to students across the country. Nationwide, Colleges have instituted strict no-hazing policies, but the question still lingers on the Chapman University campus, if the Greek system here has allowed, or even encouraged, the brutal hazing rituals that are now illegal in most states.

One such fraternity in question is Pi Kappa Alpha, whose “Hell Week” practices of the past have caused three prospective pledges to break bones, three more to contract venereal diseases, and several more to develop severe cases of post traumatic stress disorder. “Yeah, that pledge class was pretty weak,” stated the president of PKA’s Chapman chapter, Nicholas Marcuso, in an interview given inside PKA’s fraternity house. “You’re talking about that class from two years ago with all the broken bones and herpes and shit, right? Yeah, they kind of sucked. But they made it through and now they’re full-fledged brothers! And I think it’s a sign that nothing really bad happened to them because they carry on those same traditions to this day.” Marcuso indicated several fraternity brothers on the front lawn covering new pledges with honey and periodically shaking a large crate labeled “Vicious bees.”

“We’re very conscious of the image fraternities have in the mass media right now, and we want to make it known, the Pike brotherhood actively opposes hazing. It’s just wrong. That’s why we allow only respectful, un-coerced, safe, ‘Initiation Activities.’…We’ve always put our pledges through a highly selective screening process, and we always will,” Marcuso stated while globbing a fistful of Vaseline on to a broom handle. “Our fraternity has a rich tradition of excellence in all areas of life, from athletics, to refusing to cooperate with the authorities.

In a tour of the fraternity house, Marcuso showed off the myriad trophies and works of art adorning the walls. “These are my class’s paddles, mine’s the one with the bullseye on it. And next to it, that’s the class before mine’s paddles. Uh, next to those, that’s some more paddles, upstairs we have most of the older classes’ paddles. We actually had to put a lot of paddles in storage so most of them aren’t here.” When questioned about the disturbing smell emanating from the basement, Marcuso explained, “Don’t worry about that.”

Out on the front lawn, that day’s Initiation Activites were in their fifth hour. Ten pledges, eight freshman and two sophomores, stood perched on blocks of ice while reciting the pledge of allegiance in Spanish. “I like this one because it’s ironic,” explained Chad Dumont, a Junior in Pi Kappa Alpha. The pledges' enthusiasm for such acts seemed questionable, but the prospective members were all informed by senior brothers in the house that, “They love it.”

One pledge, Thomas Kesey, had his ball gag removed long enough to voice his enthusiasm for the Hell Week process. “It’s tough, yeah, but we just have to be tougher. Someday we’re going to be the leaders of this organization, and our younger brothers have to know they can trust us. I’m wearing this adult diaper all week because it means something.” When asked if he could hear crying coming from the garage, Kesey replied, “Nope.”

Back in the living room, Marcuso further pontificated on the future of PKA while adjusting his chair, Freshman Mike Huntley. “We realize our brotherhood has something of a tarnished reputation, and we’re taking steps to change that by reaching out to the community and really trying to make a difference, you know? That’s why, all last weekend, we had our pledges out on the side of the I-5 picking up garbage in wedding dresses. It’s because community.”

Marcuso concluded the interview by elaborating on his idea of the perfect fraternity brother, one who embodies his Pillars of Excellence: Fidelity, Loyalty, Stoicism, a Somewhat Unreliable Memory, Forgiveness, and Shame.

So has the university’s Greek system institutionalized abusive practices against potential members? The answer, for now, appears positive. But one challenge that will continue to hang on Pi Kappa Alpha is the disappearance of one Kyle Dorsey, one of the fraternity’s pledges from last year who went missing right around the time he was going through PKA’s Hell Week. As to whether or not he remembered the freshman, Marcuso replied, “What? I…No, no I don’t have to answer those types of questions. Why are you… Wait, you’re not a cop right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. That’s a thing, right?” After staring at his hands in total silence for twenty minutes, Marcuso added another pillar of excellence, Being Able to Forgive Oneself. “Also, wrestling.”