by Jonathan AppleseedA recent survey of staunch Rightists and Republicans has shown that people who value prostituting their wallets, daughters and souls to support all that is stubborn and unfeeling have an 80% higher chance to have a dislike for small cuddly animals such as the all-new Daily Chapman puppy (photographed right).
"This serves as certifiable evidence," said Director of Chapman's Science Program Dr. Milkov Wingnut. "Doti hates your puppy. There's no two ways about it."
Other faculty and staff, however, are still in question. "I mean, Jerry Price could hate my puppy," said junior Elena Micah. "But, I think he's cooler than that. I mean look at how much he loves Tyler McCusker and Chapman Radio. They're pretty cute and cuddly. I bet if Tyler could pass the test, my puppy probably could."
Reports of Doti walking a small canine animal about campus have yet to have been confirmed. Other reports of punted small canine animals have also come in.
In other news, I write for the Daily Chapman, which means my sex life is great. I'm going to go have sex. You should rethink your life. If you didn't decided to join Daily Chapman, you didn't think hard enough.
2 complaints:
That would be funnier if Doti were actually a Republican. He's not. If anything, he's a Libertarian, and they don't like Republicans. They don't like Democrats, either.
Please note, that it does say "staunch Rightists" and libertarian is about as far right as you can go. If I'm wrong on this, I will provide you with one free coupon to dickslap me across the face.
Now that's customer service!
Jonathan Appleseed
Writer
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
business@dailychapman.com
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