Public Safety Car Frightens Student

by Michael Podaras

Last night, at approximately 11:38 p.m., student Andrew Benton was terrified to see that he had made an illegal u-turn directly in front of a dark colored Dodge Charger whilst attempting a daring street parking maneuver outside of the Davis Apartments. "For about four seconds I was terrified that I was going to receive some sort of citation," said Benton. "Then I realized it was our ever charming and responsible Department of Public Safety! My feeling of safety and comfort was restored."

This marks the first and only time that a Public Safety officer has been able to successfully terrify a student. "It's a matter of vehicle," said Law Enforcement Analyst Mitchell Rainert. "The Charger is an absolutely terrifying looking vehicle. You see that car and you think that some macho guy who has taken so many steroids that he has to compensate for his length challenged genitalia is going to step out and whip your ass. Then a friendly, lanky Public Safety officer steps out to ensure that you're not drinking or parking in the wrong area and that's when you realize: the Public Safety car is far more terrifying than the actual officers."

After their failed "Don't Fuck With The Law" campaign (see left) rumors have it that Public Safety is yet again working on their public image and working on a "Your Friendly Neighborhood Public Safety" campaign. Uniform changes to more productive blue and red spandex are expected to happen in the coming months. Let us all take time to thank our local officers for making our lives so much more safe and pleasant.