By Samson Sancho
Colin DeMaggio, a freshman living in Glass Hall, is currently in critical condition after being shot in his dorm by another student who lived next to him. DeMaggio had been playing Kanye West’s album “808s & Heartbreak” as loud as possible for seven months straight. The entire hall shook every time DeMaggio played the album due to his incredibly loud bass, annoying everyone in the hall.
However, one night a brave student decided to stop this act of douchery. Jason Waznak, DeMaggio’s neighbor, had dealt with DeMaggio’s obnoxious bass all year long.
“Everyone asked him to stop, but he kept claiming that his music wasn’t that loud – and that everyone should hear Kanye West all the time anyways,” Waznak said.
At 12:23 am, DeMaggio had turned his stereo up as loud as it could possibly go. Many noise complaints were filed, but were ignored because all the public safety officers were busy busting students for smoking weed on the top of the Miller Parking Structure.
“That’s when I decided that enough was enough, this douchebag must die,” Waznak said. He then acquired a Glock 19 handgun from “a friend” and knocked on DeMaggio’s door. When DeMaggio answered, Waznak politely asked him to turn down the music once more.
“When I went in, I realized that he was only turning up bass of the song. He didn’t even turn up the treble, so the song was completely intelligible. It’s like the only reason he was playing it was because he knew it was really fucking loud – so I shot him,” Waznak said. The shot went cleanly through DeMaggio’s voicebox, possibly rendering him unable to speak for the rest of his life. When the gun shot occurred, it was followed by enormous applause.
The entire hall had thanked Waznak for finally bringing peace to the hall after seven months of dealing with a gigantic douchebag. Jenny Seidlitz, another resident living in the hall, was ecstatic to hear the shitty music stop.
“Jason Waznak is a hero. I can’t even begin to explain how annoying it was to constantly hear that asshole blast his bass as loud of possible,” Seidlitz said. According to Seidlitz, Waznak “totally got laid that night.”
Melissa Hedrick, the RA of Waznak’s hall, also joined in the celebration. According to Hendrick, Waznak is not only receiving absolutely no charges, but is being considered for an award of honor by the House of Residence and Housing.
“Of course we’re not going to charge Waznak, he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he was proactive in making the hall a more comfortable place for the residents and we thank him for that. If he decides to apply to be an RA, he’ll totally be on the top of the list,” Hendrick said.
DeMaggio’s parents have also had a positive reaction to the shooting, believing that their son “had it coming.”
“Seriously, if you’re going to be that much of a douchebag, you just have to assume someone is going to shoot you. Frankly, we’re thankful of his neighbor for teaching our son a valuable lesson,” DeMaggio’s father said. Both of DeMaggio’s parents have refused to see him in the hospital.
“All I know is that Colin’s paying for his own God damn hospital bill,” DeMaggio’s father continued.
Now the hall is peaceful and enjoyable. People still play music in their dorms, but at reasonable volumes. Waznak also suggested that the type of music DeMaggio was playing may have been a factor in the shooting.
“Kanye West blows dick anyway, seriously. And when you just hear the bass of the song, you can really realize that Kanye can’t keep a beat at all. I’d rather listen to Cher than Kanye,” Waznak explained.
Neither Kanye West nor Cher could be reached for comment.
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