Student Placed in Hurt Locker

by Adam Wiggly

Sunday evening at approximately 11pm, after being inspired by the Oscar-Award for Best Picture, a resident, who's name has yet to be released, took student Michael Malone and beat him senseless on the promenade between Henley Hall and Pralle-Sodaro Hall. Malone was then dragged by the unknown student to Wilkinson Hall where he was placed in a locker. The Department of Public Safety found Malone in the locker four hours later and were perplexed by a sign on the door reading, "The Hurt Locker".

"It's really an outrage," said student Andrew Martinez. "To think that a student would do this sort of thing to another student is simply horrifying."

"We have lockers?" said another student.

Research is continuing into whether or not Chapman has lockers and whether or not it should. The Department of Public Safety had this to say on the subject, "We think that lockers would be a huge issue. Too many spots to hide drugs."

"Why don't we have lockers?" said the aforementioned student.

"Mmmm... Yes... Chapman... Lockers..." said another student. "I think you're making this shit up."