We're bing hunteD! Bald white men, shotguns. Santiago Cayon. Senf fop help. Bein picked off won't last long. Wortwick shot. Plz help.
Sent from my BlackBerry by Verizon Wireless.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Help Us Find Alan Wortwick!
Dearest Members of the Chapman Community,
It is in sadness and desperation that I must write to you today. An unauthorized post was published Wednesday in bad humor citing that specific government officials see the operations of The Daily Chapman as "promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and are trying to take us down. Their first blow has come hard and without warning.
Dr. Alan Wortwick, Co-Creator and Editor-In-Chef of The Daily Chapman, has been missing since he was reportedly released from City of Orange Police Custody on Saturday at 3:00 p.m. His whereabouts are completely unknown. With the recent unauthorized posting, we suspect that there has been a government intervention.
The Department of Public Safety also reported the removal of Wortwick's vehicle from the Lastinger Parking Garage sometime today. It doesn't add up. No one in their right mind would want to steal a 1974 Dodge Dart. Nobody.
We ask of you, no, we beg of you. Anyone with any information regarding Alan's whereabouts should report to myself or Larry Prendergast immediately so that we can decide how to proceed.
We appreciate all of your love and support and hope that in this time of desperation that we may continue to be the campus community that has been the family to all of us here at The Daily Chapman for so long.
Thank you for your time. Please help us find Alan.
Best,
Kyle Ormiston
Director of Business
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
kormiston@dailychapman.com
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Missing Vehicle Report
submitted by the the Department of Public Safety
In compliance with the “Timely Notice” provisions of the federal Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus Crime Statistic Act of 1998 and because of our belief that an informed community is better equipped to protect itself, The Chapman University Department of Public Safety is giving notice of an incident which occurred in our community.
Missing Vehicle
DATE & TIME OF OCCURRENCE: January 21, 2010 between the hours of 3:00 AM and 10:00 PM
LOCATION: Lastinger Parking Structure
REPORTED OFFENSE: A white and vomit green 1974 Dodge Dart, license plate number "MYBALLS" was reported to have been removed from the Lastinger Parking Structure sometime between the hours of 3 AM and 10 PM on Thursday. The vehicle, belonging to a Dr. Alan Wortwick was on loan to an unnamed student when it was taken.
SUSPECT DESCRIPTION: Unknown
WEAPON USED: Unknown
SUSPECT VEHICLE: White 1974 Dodge Dart, California License Plate # "MYBALLS"
Anyone with any information regarding this vehicle or Alan Wortwick is to contact Orange Police Department immediately. Thank you.
In compliance with the “Timely Notice” provisions of the federal Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus Crime Statistic Act of 1998 and because of our belief that an informed community is better equipped to protect itself, The Chapman University Department of Public Safety is giving notice of an incident which occurred in our community.
Missing Vehicle
DATE & TIME OF OCCURRENCE: January 21, 2010 between the hours of 3:00 AM and 10:00 PM
LOCATION: Lastinger Parking Structure
REPORTED OFFENSE: A white and vomit green 1974 Dodge Dart, license plate number "MYBALLS" was reported to have been removed from the Lastinger Parking Structure sometime between the hours of 3 AM and 10 PM on Thursday. The vehicle, belonging to a Dr. Alan Wortwick was on loan to an unnamed student when it was taken.
SUSPECT DESCRIPTION: Unknown
WEAPON USED: Unknown
SUSPECT VEHICLE: White 1974 Dodge Dart, California License Plate # "MYBALLS"
Anyone with any information regarding this vehicle or Alan Wortwick is to contact Orange Police Department immediately. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Cheney Moves To Shutter Daily Chapman
by Detective Joe Wombat
Citing an obscure executive order put in place after the 9/11 attacks, Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Daily Chapman a “terrorist organization promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and called for the immediate arrest of Alan Wortwick, editor-in-chef of the Daily Chapman.
Executive Order 66 was passed into law on September 13, 2001, when Cheney slipped the wording of the Executive Order into a pile of letters that then President George W. Bush signed. The order allows ex-vice presidents whose last names begin with C to declare limited martial law at any time.
Chapman students have become concerned during the past four weeks as the number of black helicopters circling the campus started increasing. After several hours, it became clear that someone, most likely Cheney, had called the Terrorist Weapons And Training Squad (TWATS) out to locate and detain Wortwick.
Wortwick, thought to be of country for the past six months, is suspected of obtaining weapons of mass destruction in his travels to Europe. It is widely held by anti-terror experts that he had brought back enough objects disguised as gifts to assemble an object resembling a "refrigerator" or “television” or “suitcase” bomb. The TWATS, also known as “The Men in Black”, have been vigorously interrogating associates of Wortwick’s in the hope of locating him. Wortwick’s attorney, Moe Bilkym, was unavailable for comment, and seems also to have disappeared, most likely in accordance with PATRIOT Act.
“Wortwick and his aggressive, well thought out, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism must have been seen as a serious threat by corporate interests located in the United States and China, as well as by Rupert Murdoch, “ George Huxley, media analyst opined. “I’m pretty sure these charges are trumped up and may have something to do with the price of a share of Halliburton.”
“We have a place for the likes of Wortwick, “ said Ex-Vice Cheney,” Somewhere that makes Guantanamo look like a Club Med. We have a whole new definition of water sports in those places.”
In the meantime, sources say that Wortwick’s whereabouts remain unknown. However, in accordance with standard treatment for terrorists in the recently released Executive Order 66, he could have been secretly injected with HG Hormone and ground into McDonald’s ¼ pounder patties.
Citing an obscure executive order put in place after the 9/11 attacks, Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney declared the Daily Chapman a “terrorist organization promoting the destruction of American freedoms” and called for the immediate arrest of Alan Wortwick, editor-in-chef of the Daily Chapman.
Executive Order 66 was passed into law on September 13, 2001, when Cheney slipped the wording of the Executive Order into a pile of letters that then President George W. Bush signed. The order allows ex-vice presidents whose last names begin with C to declare limited martial law at any time.
Chapman students have become concerned during the past four weeks as the number of black helicopters circling the campus started increasing. After several hours, it became clear that someone, most likely Cheney, had called the Terrorist Weapons And Training Squad (TWATS) out to locate and detain Wortwick.
Wortwick, thought to be of country for the past six months, is suspected of obtaining weapons of mass destruction in his travels to Europe. It is widely held by anti-terror experts that he had brought back enough objects disguised as gifts to assemble an object resembling a "refrigerator" or “television” or “suitcase” bomb. The TWATS, also known as “The Men in Black”, have been vigorously interrogating associates of Wortwick’s in the hope of locating him. Wortwick’s attorney, Moe Bilkym, was unavailable for comment, and seems also to have disappeared, most likely in accordance with PATRIOT Act.
“Wortwick and his aggressive, well thought out, Pulitzer Prize winning journalism must have been seen as a serious threat by corporate interests located in the United States and China, as well as by Rupert Murdoch, “ George Huxley, media analyst opined. “I’m pretty sure these charges are trumped up and may have something to do with the price of a share of Halliburton.”
“We have a place for the likes of Wortwick, “ said Ex-Vice Cheney,” Somewhere that makes Guantanamo look like a Club Med. We have a whole new definition of water sports in those places.”
In the meantime, sources say that Wortwick’s whereabouts remain unknown. However, in accordance with standard treatment for terrorists in the recently released Executive Order 66, he could have been secretly injected with HG Hormone and ground into McDonald’s ¼ pounder patties.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Student Invents New Twitter Notification Device
by Adams McKneely
Student Micah Andres announced the development of what many are calling "the most advanced Twitter Notification Device ever developed." "The device, nicknamed the "Twitter Twatter", is a vaginal insert that vibrates every time someone updates a twitter account that you are following," says Andres. "I believe that it will revolutionize the speed at which information moves. Now you won't be able to ignore Peter when he is making a sandwich."
Although the product is still in development, Andres expects commercialization in fall of 2011, with a possible early release for Chapman Students. Keep an eye out for your very own Twitter Twatter, coming your way very soon.
Student Micah Andres announced the development of what many are calling "the most advanced Twitter Notification Device ever developed." "The device, nicknamed the "Twitter Twatter", is a vaginal insert that vibrates every time someone updates a twitter account that you are following," says Andres. "I believe that it will revolutionize the speed at which information moves. Now you won't be able to ignore Peter when he is making a sandwich."
Although the product is still in development, Andres expects commercialization in fall of 2011, with a possible early release for Chapman Students. Keep an eye out for your very own Twitter Twatter, coming your way very soon.
Monday, January 18, 2010
College Apartheidist Club Meeting Canceled
by Ryan Melkins
All students please be aware that the College Apartheidist Club meeting scheduled for Monday, January 18 at 8:00 p.m. has been canceled due to being heartless and idiotic. Students who were planning to attend are encouraged to attend the Chapman Lynching Club meeting which meets Wednesdays at 4:30 p.m in Henley Hall Room 353. Bring your rocks and whips and get ready for some good old-fashioned family fun.
All students please be aware that the College Apartheidist Club meeting scheduled for Monday, January 18 at 8:00 p.m. has been canceled due to being heartless and idiotic. Students who were planning to attend are encouraged to attend the Chapman Lynching Club meeting which meets Wednesdays at 4:30 p.m in Henley Hall Room 353. Bring your rocks and whips and get ready for some good old-fashioned family fun.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Your Friends Think You Have A Drinking Problem
by Intervention Specialist Barney McGrave
"We didn't want you to hate us," said your friend Kayla, "but this has gone too far. You have a drinking problem." Kayla is the most recent combatant of your raging alcohol problem, but this has been going on way too long.
"I'm not putting you on the couch if you collapse like that again," your friend Brad said while wiping your vomit and feces from his floor. "Shit! Why the fuck do I even clean up after your drunk ass. This shit is gross."
A recent survey says that 98% of your friends think that you're an alcoholic and 68% believe that without alcohol, you will shake nervously. 78% of your casual acquaintances, however, can't think of you as anything but a crazed stoner.
"Seriously, man" said Brad. "Lay off the sauce. You're not helping anyone, including yourself."
The Daily Chapman would agree, but that would be a bit hypocritical. Oh well.
"We didn't want you to hate us," said your friend Kayla, "but this has gone too far. You have a drinking problem." Kayla is the most recent combatant of your raging alcohol problem, but this has been going on way too long.
"I'm not putting you on the couch if you collapse like that again," your friend Brad said while wiping your vomit and feces from his floor. "Shit! Why the fuck do I even clean up after your drunk ass. This shit is gross."
A recent survey says that 98% of your friends think that you're an alcoholic and 68% believe that without alcohol, you will shake nervously. 78% of your casual acquaintances, however, can't think of you as anything but a crazed stoner.
"Seriously, man" said Brad. "Lay off the sauce. You're not helping anyone, including yourself."
The Daily Chapman would agree, but that would be a bit hypocritical. Oh well.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Chapman's New Abstinence Club Sexually Frustrated
by Milton Wattoms
Thursday, Associated Students approved of Chapman's first ever "Abstinence Club". "Its a club for people who want to wait until marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse," said founder Robert Munson. "I know I'm not the only one out there."
Unfortunately, Friday night, it was found that Munson was the only one. Spectators found the event to be "a room full of sexually frustrated and eager" men and women who "more than likely are so kinky that they masturbate with stolen cheese."
"It was the makings of a disaster," said attendee Morgan Jacobson. "25 people who haven't had sex in 18-22 years... It was obvious what would happen next."
Of those in attendance, 24 followed the event by returning to their dorm rooms in pairs and "fucking so loud I could hear it through the vent," said ear witness Joshua Mancrave. "It was a symphony of fuck."
Munson returned home and played Xbox Live alone in the dark. He has not been seen without his Xbox controller since the incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.
Thursday, Associated Students approved of Chapman's first ever "Abstinence Club". "Its a club for people who want to wait until marriage before engaging in sexual intercourse," said founder Robert Munson. "I know I'm not the only one out there."
Unfortunately, Friday night, it was found that Munson was the only one. Spectators found the event to be "a room full of sexually frustrated and eager" men and women who "more than likely are so kinky that they masturbate with stolen cheese."
"It was the makings of a disaster," said attendee Morgan Jacobson. "25 people who haven't had sex in 18-22 years... It was obvious what would happen next."
Of those in attendance, 24 followed the event by returning to their dorm rooms in pairs and "fucking so loud I could hear it through the vent," said ear witness Joshua Mancrave. "It was a symphony of fuck."
Munson returned home and played Xbox Live alone in the dark. He has not been seen without his Xbox controller since the incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Daily Chapman Too Drunk To Remember Its Own Birthday
by a pair of three-winged geese
Although Thursday, January 14 was supposed to be the joyous celebration of one year of the holy Daily Chapman, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick admitted, "We were all too drunk to remember why it was that we were drinking."
Sources tell the Daily Chapman that senior staff members Alan Wortwick, David Polenski, Kaden Saliss, William P. Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea were detained by City of Orange Police Friday morning for drunkenly singing, "God Bless America" in the nude at the corner of Glassell St. and La Veta Ave.
"It was appalling," said Orange community member Linda Korowitz. "Why on Earth would Orange Police detain five such exquisite examples of the human form. That image will be burned into my mind for months! So... Hot!"
God Bless America.
Although Thursday, January 14 was supposed to be the joyous celebration of one year of the holy Daily Chapman, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick admitted, "We were all too drunk to remember why it was that we were drinking."
Sources tell the Daily Chapman that senior staff members Alan Wortwick, David Polenski, Kaden Saliss, William P. Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea were detained by City of Orange Police Friday morning for drunkenly singing, "God Bless America" in the nude at the corner of Glassell St. and La Veta Ave.
"It was appalling," said Orange community member Linda Korowitz. "Why on Earth would Orange Police detain five such exquisite examples of the human form. That image will be burned into my mind for months! So... Hot!"
God Bless America.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Daily Chapman Author Falls Asleep Writing Article
by Stewart McKneely
Tuesday, there was this guy who did this stuff and it was really, really weird. Then he told his girlfriend and she was like really excited so they did naughty things and then he got really really tired and started thinking about sheep and then all gyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukli.oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Tuesday, there was this guy who did this stuff and it was really, really weird. Then he told his girlfriend and she was like really excited so they did naughty things and then he got really really tired and started thinking about sheep and then all gyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukli.oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Today's Fan Mail
Submitted by Alex Prikhodko
Today, we received the following fan mail:
Hi and Happy New Year!
I came across your site while researching Google Images for keyword "phil michelson" and one of your pages (http://www.dailychapman.com/) was ranked on the 32nd page of the Google Images search results.
I'm sure there are plenty of your other images in Google Image Search for many different keywords as well, it's just I came across this one first. Anyway, I looked through your site and correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you are getting a lot of your visitors from image search, like Google Images, Yahoo Image Search, etc.
What if I told you that my team and I have developed a tool that reports on your site's rank (position) in all search engines for all keywords? Meaning, you know exactly where your site is ranked in Google, Yahoo, Google Images, Google News and so forth for each and every keyword.
Interesting, isn't it? :)
Installation is very simple, no programming or previous knowledge required. Please feel welcome to create your own account.
Anyway, thank you for your time, and don't hesitate to email me with any questions or comments.
Thanks,
Alex Prikhodko
Lead Developer of expo-MAX Real Analytics
----
Dear Mr. Prikhodko,
We're The Daily Chapman. We don't give a fuck.
And why the hell were you searching "phil michelson" on Google Images? Creeper.
Affectionately,
Alan Wortwick
Editor-In-Chef
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
awortwick@dailychapman.com
Today, we received the following fan mail:
Hi and Happy New Year!
I came across your site while researching Google Images for keyword "phil michelson" and one of your pages (http://www.dailychapman.com/) was ranked on the 32nd page of the Google Images search results.
I'm sure there are plenty of your other images in Google Image Search for many different keywords as well, it's just I came across this one first. Anyway, I looked through your site and correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you are getting a lot of your visitors from image search, like Google Images, Yahoo Image Search, etc.
What if I told you that my team and I have developed a tool that reports on your site's rank (position) in all search engines for all keywords? Meaning, you know exactly where your site is ranked in Google, Yahoo, Google Images, Google News and so forth for each and every keyword.
Interesting, isn't it? :)
Installation is very simple, no programming or previous knowledge required. Please feel welcome to create your own account.
Anyway, thank you for your time, and don't hesitate to email me with any questions or comments.
Thanks,
Alex Prikhodko
Lead Developer of expo-MAX Real Analytics
----
Dear Mr. Prikhodko,
We're The Daily Chapman. We don't give a fuck.
And why the hell were you searching "phil michelson" on Google Images? Creeper.
Affectionately,
Alan Wortwick
Editor-In-Chef
The Daily Chapman
http://www.dailychapman.com
awortwick@dailychapman.com
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Thoughts from The Daily Chapman's Incoherent Gypsy
by The Daily Chapman's Incoherent Gypsy
Something, something, something, Interterm. Something, something, something, alcoholism. Something, something, dorms. Something, twat, something, food, something, something, and that's why I don't wear a yamaka.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Jerry Price Secretly African American?
by John
In his most recent edition of his weekly announcements, Jerry Price announced that there will be no announcements next week" because "the Martin Luther King holiday." "He's gotta be black," said junior Johnny Stewart. "No man would use 'Martin Luther King Day' as an excuse unless he was A- black, B- lazy or C- both."
Recent sightings of Jerry Price blasting the Wu Tang Clan in the KFC drive thru and a discovery of grape drink in the trash of offices of the Dean of Students point towards Price's racial curiosity. "After receiving feedback from students about wanting later dinner hours," said Price. "Restaurant Services is moving the dinner serving hours in Sandhu cafeteria to 5:30 to 7:30 PM Monday through Friday."
Price was also reported to suggest changing the Sunday dining service to include a free surviving of Rosco's Chicken and Waffles in observance of "the holy day."
"What's greater than having breakfast and lunch at the same time?" said student Kwame Nkrafta. "It's just awesome. Who wouldn't want that? I hope Price don't fail me this time."
In his most recent edition of his weekly announcements, Jerry Price announced that there will be no announcements next week" because "the Martin Luther King holiday." "He's gotta be black," said junior Johnny Stewart. "No man would use 'Martin Luther King Day' as an excuse unless he was A- black, B- lazy or C- both."
Recent sightings of Jerry Price blasting the Wu Tang Clan in the KFC drive thru and a discovery of grape drink in the trash of offices of the Dean of Students point towards Price's racial curiosity. "After receiving feedback from students about wanting later dinner hours," said Price. "Restaurant Services is moving the dinner serving hours in Sandhu cafeteria to 5:30 to 7:30 PM Monday through Friday."
Price was also reported to suggest changing the Sunday dining service to include a free surviving of Rosco's Chicken and Waffles in observance of "the holy day."
"What's greater than having breakfast and lunch at the same time?" said student Kwame Nkrafta. "It's just awesome. Who wouldn't want that? I hope Price don't fail me this time."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Student Wants Black Friends for Birthday
by the Academic Dean of Drug Abuse Dr. Michael Scottstan
Friday, student Mitchell Craig realized the he was sitting in a room full of "stupid, obnoxious white people." The party, thrown by Chapman's only ordained Jewish fraternity, Sigma Beta Mu, consisted of twenty-six white men and a bong. "That was when it hit me," said Craig. "I need some black dudes in my life. These pasteys just ain't doing it anymore."
Sources tell the Daily Chapman that Craig spent his Saturday night in a drunken stupor, pontificating his desire to be the first white dude to join the Black Student Union, much to the dismay of white Black Student Union member Bob Goldstein. "That whitey ain't got no clue what he talkin' bout," said Goldstein. "This shit is real."
Craig cordially invites all of Chapman's African American students to attend his birthday party at his house on W. Adams Ave next Sunday night at 10pm. "All I want for my birthday this year," said Craig, "are some black friends.
"I'm not racist... Some of my best friends are white."
Friday, student Mitchell Craig realized the he was sitting in a room full of "stupid, obnoxious white people." The party, thrown by Chapman's only ordained Jewish fraternity, Sigma Beta Mu, consisted of twenty-six white men and a bong. "That was when it hit me," said Craig. "I need some black dudes in my life. These pasteys just ain't doing it anymore."
Sources tell the Daily Chapman that Craig spent his Saturday night in a drunken stupor, pontificating his desire to be the first white dude to join the Black Student Union, much to the dismay of white Black Student Union member Bob Goldstein. "That whitey ain't got no clue what he talkin' bout," said Goldstein. "This shit is real."
Craig cordially invites all of Chapman's African American students to attend his birthday party at his house on W. Adams Ave next Sunday night at 10pm. "All I want for my birthday this year," said Craig, "are some black friends.
"I'm not racist... Some of my best friends are white."
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Student Left Twatsauce All Over Your Couch
by Ernie Palm
No fucking way, man! No fucking way! There is twatsauce all over your fucking couch man. Check it out! It was fucking James wasn’t it? I know man. Who the fuck else was on your couch last night? Fuckin’, it was that Summer slut wasn’t it? She’s such a fucking bitch. I can’t believe… with fucking James, too. Left fucking twatsauce on your fucking couch man. YOUR fucking couch. Fuckin! Holy fucking shit! It’s all over the fucking rug. This twatsauce shit is all over the fucking rug! Who the fuck is going to clean your fucking rug man? AND your fucking couch? This shit is fucking horrible! I can’t fucking believe it!
Fuck. Dude. What’s this? Fuckin’… There’s blood on the carpet over here. What the fuck is this? Summer was a virgin? No fucking way. Not fucking possible. Twatsauce on the couch and the rug, blood on the fucking carpet. Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hahaha. Oh my fucking God. She was on her motherfucking period man! There’s a fucking bloody tampon in here man. This shit is fucking gross! Fuckin! Think of James with a bloody fucking knocker man! That shit is GROSS. Holy fucking shit! He is never gonna live this one down! Fuckin’ prick! Holy shit!
No fucking way, man! No fucking way! There is twatsauce all over your fucking couch man. Check it out! It was fucking James wasn’t it? I know man. Who the fuck else was on your couch last night? Fuckin’, it was that Summer slut wasn’t it? She’s such a fucking bitch. I can’t believe… with fucking James, too. Left fucking twatsauce on your fucking couch man. YOUR fucking couch. Fuckin! Holy fucking shit! It’s all over the fucking rug. This twatsauce shit is all over the fucking rug! Who the fuck is going to clean your fucking rug man? AND your fucking couch? This shit is fucking horrible! I can’t fucking believe it!
Fuck. Dude. What’s this? Fuckin’… There’s blood on the carpet over here. What the fuck is this? Summer was a virgin? No fucking way. Not fucking possible. Twatsauce on the couch and the rug, blood on the fucking carpet. Oh fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hahaha. Oh my fucking God. She was on her motherfucking period man! There’s a fucking bloody tampon in here man. This shit is fucking gross! Fuckin! Think of James with a bloody fucking knocker man! That shit is GROSS. Holy fucking shit! He is never gonna live this one down! Fuckin’ prick! Holy shit!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Campus Shitting Itself Over Filming In Orange Circle
by Your Buddy Chuck
For the last three days, an unknown film crew has been shooting an unknown film in the Orange circle. "They're totally filming part of Iron Man 2," said student Casey Bennett. "Jesus! Is that a Porsche with a film rig?" asked student Hellen Barter. "Indeed, it is," said Jesus.
Although Chapman University is one of the most well-respected film universities in the world, it appears that everyone still shits themselves when they see a movie camera. "It's just so cool," said Bennett. "To think that I'll be watching Iron Man 2 and see the circle is just dope."
"The traffic is so shitty," said student William P. Blackwell. "I don't give a crap what their doing. Just move it along. I know you're going to say that I'm shitting myself over this matter, but I'm totally not. You're a fucking bastard, Chuck."
"I don't give a shit," said Alan Wortwick. "It's totally not Iron Man 2."
This is the word of the Lord.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Student Discovers New “Twatasaurus Rex”
By Jared O’Grapejus
Sunday, sophomore Biology Major and Delta Theta Delta member Ronald Mixtins announced a new breed of “whale-like dinosaur” that has been found to still be in existence in the humble state of California. Mixtins describes the new breed as a “five and a half foot tall, two-hundred pound, scaly, cold-blooded, whale-like monster” that attacks with a “strange pounce like advance” and “thrives on alcoholic beverages and human semen.” He has deemed the strange creature the “Twatasaurus Rex,” which Mixtins says he named after his “bitch of an ex-girlfriend.”
“It’s terrifying,” said Mixtins. “It comes at you from nowhere, pounces and then uses its stubby tentacle like appendages to try and massage your genitalia. It is violating and extremely dangerous. Chapman students must be cautious.”
Sightings fitting to Mixtins description of the Twatasaurus Rex have been pouring in from all over campus. The Daily Chapman warns students, most especially men, to stay away from these creatures. They have frequently been found wearing sweatshirts with strange non-descript two or three letter words on them, such as “kow”, “rob”, and “ao”. Students are encouraged to file any sightings of the Twatasaurus Rex with the Chapman University Department of Public Safety.
Sunday, sophomore Biology Major and Delta Theta Delta member Ronald Mixtins announced a new breed of “whale-like dinosaur” that has been found to still be in existence in the humble state of California. Mixtins describes the new breed as a “five and a half foot tall, two-hundred pound, scaly, cold-blooded, whale-like monster” that attacks with a “strange pounce like advance” and “thrives on alcoholic beverages and human semen.” He has deemed the strange creature the “Twatasaurus Rex,” which Mixtins says he named after his “bitch of an ex-girlfriend.”
“It’s terrifying,” said Mixtins. “It comes at you from nowhere, pounces and then uses its stubby tentacle like appendages to try and massage your genitalia. It is violating and extremely dangerous. Chapman students must be cautious.”
Sightings fitting to Mixtins description of the Twatasaurus Rex have been pouring in from all over campus. The Daily Chapman warns students, most especially men, to stay away from these creatures. They have frequently been found wearing sweatshirts with strange non-descript two or three letter words on them, such as “kow”, “rob”, and “ao”. Students are encouraged to file any sightings of the Twatasaurus Rex with the Chapman University Department of Public Safety.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Daily Chapman Staff “Too Influenced” By That There “Nigger Music”?
By Resident Music Critic Adam Wallaby
“Yeah! We raided that shit!” said Michael Bixby of the Chapman University division of the Klu Klux Klan. “We had feelin’ that them there Daily Chapman staff were bein’ influenced by that there nigger music! End we were right!”
Photographs taken by Bixby and his imaginary colleagues revealed a considerable amount of old LP records like John Coltrane’s “My Favorite Things” and Miles Davis’s “Kind of Blue” living in residence at the library of the Offices of the Daily Chapman.
“They’re niggers!” said Bixby. “Damn dirty niggers!”
The records were part of an extensive collection of John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, Charles Mingus, Art Blakey, Duke Ellington, Wynton Marsalis and other historicist jazz and bebop records that have been acquired by senior staff members Alan Wortwick, William Blackwell and Artist-In-Residence Chick Corea.
“Yer know what makes me sick!” said Bixby. “I found them there cigarettes and malt beverages in that shit! And grape drink! They had grape drink!”
“I like to have a cigarette and listen to bop when I write,” said Alan Wortwick. “It makes me feel classy, like I’m fighting the good fight. I feel the power behind Dizzy Gillespie’s anti-racism message and it makes me want to stand up against civil injustice.”
“Spoken like a true nigger!” said Bixby.
Michael Bixby was arrested mid-interview for breaking and entering. No further comment could be made.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Student Speaks Out Against Unfair Credits
By Sir. Jonathon Matero III
Monday, the Kappa Beta Theta sisters joined alongside their beloved Olivia Nonowitz as she protested what she believed to be an “unfair credit allotment” for her interterm class. “I work just as hard in my PA-104 class as the other students taking Philosophy 101 or those crazy English classes,” said Nonowitz. “I deserve the same three credit allotment that they do.”
Further research concluded that Nonowitz was indeed enrolled in PA-104, a course that is simply titled, “Bowling.” “Bowling is truly an art,” said Professor Janet Lloyd of PA-104. “These students deserve just as much credit as a photography class or an experimental drawing class. Seriously, who can paint pictures down lanes with balls? Only a true bowler can do that.”
In other news, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick of The Daily Chapman has announced that he will be teaching a testicular painting course during Interterm 2011. “I foresee a final project in which each lane of a bowling alley is entirely painted by balls,” said Wortwick. “I thought of it in a dream.”
Monday, the Kappa Beta Theta sisters joined alongside their beloved Olivia Nonowitz as she protested what she believed to be an “unfair credit allotment” for her interterm class. “I work just as hard in my PA-104 class as the other students taking Philosophy 101 or those crazy English classes,” said Nonowitz. “I deserve the same three credit allotment that they do.”
Further research concluded that Nonowitz was indeed enrolled in PA-104, a course that is simply titled, “Bowling.” “Bowling is truly an art,” said Professor Janet Lloyd of PA-104. “These students deserve just as much credit as a photography class or an experimental drawing class. Seriously, who can paint pictures down lanes with balls? Only a true bowler can do that.”
In other news, Editor-In-Chef Alan Wortwick of The Daily Chapman has announced that he will be teaching a testicular painting course during Interterm 2011. “I foresee a final project in which each lane of a bowling alley is entirely painted by balls,” said Wortwick. “I thought of it in a dream.”
Monday, January 4, 2010
Survey Says, “That Twat You Hooked Up With Last Semester Is A Cum Guzzling Thunder Cunt”
by Executive Chief of Operations and Sex Appeal William P. Blackwell
Although most of your friends were shocked at how quickly you got over that stupid twat that you hooked up with last semester, a recent survey may explain why.
A study performed by the Presidential United Student Survey Yahwists (PUSSY) discovered that nearly 84% of your friend base and over 96% of your casual acquaintances found that twat that you hooked up with last semester to be an overall “cum guzzling thunder cunt”. Furthermore, the question, “Why the fuck would you put your dick near that shit?” ranked number one out of the top five questions that bystanders would like to ask you before you die.
“It’s simply astounding,” said your friend Rick. “In retrospect, I don’t understand why we didn’t see it coming in the first place. I mean, I guess she was kind of nice at first, but that still only makes her a peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce.”
Although the PUSSY survey revealed that only 8% of your friend base found that stupid twat to be a “peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce,” nearly 98% suggest you never put your dick (or any other portion of your body) near that twatty whore ever again. The other 2% happened to be the slut’s friends who said, “I don’t know why you’re so upset about this.”
You may be pleased to know that The Daily Chapman has already taken the opportunity to dick slap that 2% across the face. She was a fucking cum guzzling thunder cunt man. For reals. You ain’t missing shit.
Although most of your friends were shocked at how quickly you got over that stupid twat that you hooked up with last semester, a recent survey may explain why.
A study performed by the Presidential United Student Survey Yahwists (PUSSY) discovered that nearly 84% of your friend base and over 96% of your casual acquaintances found that twat that you hooked up with last semester to be an overall “cum guzzling thunder cunt”. Furthermore, the question, “Why the fuck would you put your dick near that shit?” ranked number one out of the top five questions that bystanders would like to ask you before you die.
“It’s simply astounding,” said your friend Rick. “In retrospect, I don’t understand why we didn’t see it coming in the first place. I mean, I guess she was kind of nice at first, but that still only makes her a peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce.”
Although the PUSSY survey revealed that only 8% of your friend base found that stupid twat to be a “peanut butter and twat sandwich with extra cum sauce,” nearly 98% suggest you never put your dick (or any other portion of your body) near that twatty whore ever again. The other 2% happened to be the slut’s friends who said, “I don’t know why you’re so upset about this.”
You may be pleased to know that The Daily Chapman has already taken the opportunity to dick slap that 2% across the face. She was a fucking cum guzzling thunder cunt man. For reals. You ain’t missing shit.
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