by the Handle of Rum on my desk
"Dude! My iPod's fucked!" said Arnold Krezner to classmate Audrey Penicost. His iPod was indeed, fucked.
"Haha!" replied Penicost. "You know what would be really funny? Let's turn on Chapman Radio!"
"Oh yeah!" replied Krezner. "That shit is always horrible." Unfortunately, for their alcoholism, that shit was not horrible.
Krezner tuned his laptop to Chapman Radio's Boner Jams at 10pm on Friday night. Much to the surprise of the audience, participants of Krezner's biweekly drunken rage described the music choice as "bumpin'", "superb" inclusive of "sexy narration".
"It's weird," said attendee Michael Connelly. "I never thought Chapman Radio had the potential to be good. Especially with a show name like Boner Jams. That shit was off the hook though."
"It used to be that when I listened to Chapman Radio," said Alex Cobenly. "That I would want to drink myself to death. Now, I just... I just... I wanna dance. A lot."
Rumors that Chapman is looking into starting a new danceaholics anonymous club for all the people affected by how awesome Chapman Radio is right now have been circulating. For now, people who feel the need to shake their groove thing are expected to do so right outside the Levy / Kertes studio in Henley Basement.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Commuter Students Infiltrate Dorm Facilities
by Clayton Bigsby
At approximately 12:52 a.m., two commuter students successfully infiltrated Sandhu Residence Center whilst tip-toeing and very loudly singing the theme music from James Bond. "It was pretty obvious what they were trying to do," said sophomore Alan Kintzing. "If they weren't white and obviously retarded, we would've done something about it."
New shit has come to light suggesting that the two infiltrators may have actually been working for Public Safety the whole time. "We wanted to test the security systems that were in place," said Sergeant Blackburn. "They are obviously faulty." Blackburn then details plans for a new Public Safety ad campaign titled the "White and Retarded Doesn't Mean Ok" campaign. "We want our students to consistently be aware of potentially dangerous individuals entering the residence halls. You never know what teh Dominoes man will do."
The two infiltrators were detained on the fourth floor of Sandhu hall where they were found frolicking in front of the film floor projector making what they call "projector angels." "Seriously?" said Kintzing. "Seriously. White and retarded. Obviously Chapman students."
At approximately 12:52 a.m., two commuter students successfully infiltrated Sandhu Residence Center whilst tip-toeing and very loudly singing the theme music from James Bond. "It was pretty obvious what they were trying to do," said sophomore Alan Kintzing. "If they weren't white and obviously retarded, we would've done something about it."
New shit has come to light suggesting that the two infiltrators may have actually been working for Public Safety the whole time. "We wanted to test the security systems that were in place," said Sergeant Blackburn. "They are obviously faulty." Blackburn then details plans for a new Public Safety ad campaign titled the "White and Retarded Doesn't Mean Ok" campaign. "We want our students to consistently be aware of potentially dangerous individuals entering the residence halls. You never know what teh Dominoes man will do."
The two infiltrators were detained on the fourth floor of Sandhu hall where they were found frolicking in front of the film floor projector making what they call "projector angels." "Seriously?" said Kintzing. "Seriously. White and retarded. Obviously Chapman students."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Chapman University signs strategic alliance with Connecticut College
by El Duderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing
In a shocking decision today, Chapman University has announced it will enter into a strategic alliance with Connecticut College, an east coast school also known for its preposterously high tuition and nearly absent reputation.
Students at both universities are being opted into a combined facilities program, a revolutionary idea which allows students from Chapman to check out books from Connecticut’s library. Chapman students are also entitled to Connecticut college e-mail accounts, and a free class on how to spell Connecticut, something 87% of polled Chapman students could not do.
Connecticut College and Chapman University will be co-founding a shared student union, which can be used by any student from either college during the normal time school is in session. The facility, to be located in Chandler, Oklahoma, will feature the largest rock climbing wall in Chandler at four feet, and a few vending machines.
Of course, such grand facilities don’t come without a price. Effective immediately, all Chapman and Connecticut college students are enrolled in a “Dual-Tuition” program. Through this program, students pay the combined tuition rate of both schools.
All is not lost, however. Students may pick one school from which to receive scholarships. Without scholarships, the average Chapman student should expect a modest $51,115 rise in tuition, bringing the total cost for a year at Chapman from $35,790 to $86,905.
“I think this is totally reasonable.” said sophomore AS Senator Lisa Reed, on her way out of President Doti's office. “Connecticut college has a great library, and all Chapman students will be able to benefit from access. It’s only fair that we pay the price.”
Ms. Reed then proceeded to count a large wad of hundred dollar bills in her hand.
Students should expect to hear more about the strategic alliance in the coming days, through frantic phone calls from their parents.
In a shocking decision today, Chapman University has announced it will enter into a strategic alliance with Connecticut College, an east coast school also known for its preposterously high tuition and nearly absent reputation.
Students at both universities are being opted into a combined facilities program, a revolutionary idea which allows students from Chapman to check out books from Connecticut’s library. Chapman students are also entitled to Connecticut college e-mail accounts, and a free class on how to spell Connecticut, something 87% of polled Chapman students could not do.
Connecticut College and Chapman University will be co-founding a shared student union, which can be used by any student from either college during the normal time school is in session. The facility, to be located in Chandler, Oklahoma, will feature the largest rock climbing wall in Chandler at four feet, and a few vending machines.
Of course, such grand facilities don’t come without a price. Effective immediately, all Chapman and Connecticut college students are enrolled in a “Dual-Tuition” program. Through this program, students pay the combined tuition rate of both schools.
All is not lost, however. Students may pick one school from which to receive scholarships. Without scholarships, the average Chapman student should expect a modest $51,115 rise in tuition, bringing the total cost for a year at Chapman from $35,790 to $86,905.
“I think this is totally reasonable.” said sophomore AS Senator Lisa Reed, on her way out of President Doti's office. “Connecticut college has a great library, and all Chapman students will be able to benefit from access. It’s only fair that we pay the price.”
Ms. Reed then proceeded to count a large wad of hundred dollar bills in her hand.
Students should expect to hear more about the strategic alliance in the coming days, through frantic phone calls from their parents.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Jim Doti Hates Your Puppy
by Jonathan AppleseedA recent survey of staunch Rightists and Republicans has shown that people who value prostituting their wallets, daughters and souls to support all that is stubborn and unfeeling have an 80% higher chance to have a dislike for small cuddly animals such as the all-new Daily Chapman puppy (photographed right).
"This serves as certifiable evidence," said Director of Chapman's Science Program Dr. Milkov Wingnut. "Doti hates your puppy. There's no two ways about it."
Other faculty and staff, however, are still in question. "I mean, Jerry Price could hate my puppy," said junior Elena Micah. "But, I think he's cooler than that. I mean look at how much he loves Tyler McCusker and Chapman Radio. They're pretty cute and cuddly. I bet if Tyler could pass the test, my puppy probably could."
Reports of Doti walking a small canine animal about campus have yet to have been confirmed. Other reports of punted small canine animals have also come in.
In other news, I write for the Daily Chapman, which means my sex life is great. I'm going to go have sex. You should rethink your life. If you didn't decided to join Daily Chapman, you didn't think hard enough.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A.S Investigating Daily Chapman Voter Fraud
by Wat Billerson
Corruption! With candidate Joseph Quintana being investigated for rigging election results, so too is The Daily Chapman being investigated for not rigging the election results! "It's absurd!" said A.S. Director of Communications Michael Julius. "The Daily Chapman had to be involved. Their the only people corrupt enough to fuck with an A.S. election. They're power-hungry slobs, I tell you! Power-hungry slobs!
With only a 13% voter turnout for this year's election, many have suggested that the Daily Chapman is "promoting apathy" and "pushing people away from Chapman." "Eh," wrote Alan Wortwick in an e-mail to A.S. "I just like, don't even fucking care, man. Why are you asking me these questions. Elections are a joke... I voted for my nutsack and it had a high probability of winning! ... Can't wait to see the election results."
"The election results should be available as soon as somebody gives a shit," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "For now, whatever. I'm going to lunch."
Corruption! With candidate Joseph Quintana being investigated for rigging election results, so too is The Daily Chapman being investigated for not rigging the election results! "It's absurd!" said A.S. Director of Communications Michael Julius. "The Daily Chapman had to be involved. Their the only people corrupt enough to fuck with an A.S. election. They're power-hungry slobs, I tell you! Power-hungry slobs!
With only a 13% voter turnout for this year's election, many have suggested that the Daily Chapman is "promoting apathy" and "pushing people away from Chapman." "Eh," wrote Alan Wortwick in an e-mail to A.S. "I just like, don't even fucking care, man. Why are you asking me these questions. Elections are a joke... I voted for my nutsack and it had a high probability of winning! ... Can't wait to see the election results."
"The election results should be available as soon as somebody gives a shit," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "For now, whatever. I'm going to lunch."
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Film Students Still Disillusioned By Brad Bird
Last week, Chapman film students were wowed and honored by a visit by Disney Pixar's Brad Bird, who has directed and produced many successful films, including but not limited to "The Incredibles" and "Ratatouille." His question and answer session was reported to be "informative," "interesting," and "life-shatteringly fucking depressing."
"Yeah Brad Bird was awesome," said Bronson Maguire, a sophomore digital arts major. "He spent two hours showing us the life we'll never have. Awesome."
"He said he was happy to visit a quaint little university like Chapman," said Lisa Verity, also a digital arts major. "Why the fuck didn't I go to USC? Oh, right, I'm poor."
Many other students resorted to cutting themselves and crying in dark rooms while listening to Right Away, Great Captain. "I just..." sobbed film production major Lindsay Paige. "I can't go on. I... I was never accepted to USC. Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I just ended it all? I will never be Bird-Good."
Having adopted the word "Bird-Good" many students are rallying in an effort to "make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-Good." "We have something to stand for," said a senior film studies major known only as Douche Bag Dave. "We gots to be more Bird-good. We got to make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-good, or we're totes all gonna fucking fail. I don't want to be looked at as a presh Chapman kid no more. I want to be awesome! Dave-awesome! Bird-good!"
This will never happen. None of us will ever be Bird-good. How's that summer internship at randomgoddamnorangecountykindoffilmrelatedplace looking now? Yeah, pretty fucking good.
"Yeah Brad Bird was awesome," said Bronson Maguire, a sophomore digital arts major. "He spent two hours showing us the life we'll never have. Awesome."
"He said he was happy to visit a quaint little university like Chapman," said Lisa Verity, also a digital arts major. "Why the fuck didn't I go to USC? Oh, right, I'm poor."
Many other students resorted to cutting themselves and crying in dark rooms while listening to Right Away, Great Captain. "I just..." sobbed film production major Lindsay Paige. "I can't go on. I... I was never accepted to USC. Why haven't I killed myself yet? Why haven't I just ended it all? I will never be Bird-Good."
Having adopted the word "Bird-Good" many students are rallying in an effort to "make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-Good." "We have something to stand for," said a senior film studies major known only as Douche Bag Dave. "We gots to be more Bird-good. We got to make Chapman's Film Program totes more Bird-good, or we're totes all gonna fucking fail. I don't want to be looked at as a presh Chapman kid no more. I want to be awesome! Dave-awesome! Bird-good!"
This will never happen. None of us will ever be Bird-good. How's that summer internship at randomgoddamnorangecountykindoffilmrelatedplace looking now? Yeah, pretty fucking good.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Off-Campus Student Has Nothing To Complain About
by Cagilous Nick
Today, Mitchell Watson woke up promptly around noon. "I had breakfast at Chipotle," said Watson. "That's when you know it was a good day."
He then proceeded to masturbate several times and played Bioshock 2 for three hours. Microwave lasagna dinner and then he finished off the day with a bottle of gin, some tonic water and a blow-job from his special lady friend.
"All in all, it was a pretty good day," said Watson. "I really have nothing to complain about. Living off campus is great. I haven't seen anyone who deserves to be dick slapped across the face all day. It's great."
In other news, I ate a big red candle. That'll be all for the Daily Chapman. Good night.
Today, Mitchell Watson woke up promptly around noon. "I had breakfast at Chipotle," said Watson. "That's when you know it was a good day."
He then proceeded to masturbate several times and played Bioshock 2 for three hours. Microwave lasagna dinner and then he finished off the day with a bottle of gin, some tonic water and a blow-job from his special lady friend.
"All in all, it was a pretty good day," said Watson. "I really have nothing to complain about. Living off campus is great. I haven't seen anyone who deserves to be dick slapped across the face all day. It's great."
In other news, I ate a big red candle. That'll be all for the Daily Chapman. Good night.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Resident Shoots Neighbor for Playing Kanye West; Chapman Pressing No Charges
By Samson Sancho
Colin DeMaggio, a freshman living in Glass Hall, is currently in critical condition after being shot in his dorm by another student who lived next to him. DeMaggio had been playing Kanye West’s album “808s & Heartbreak” as loud as possible for seven months straight. The entire hall shook every time DeMaggio played the album due to his incredibly loud bass, annoying everyone in the hall.
However, one night a brave student decided to stop this act of douchery. Jason Waznak, DeMaggio’s neighbor, had dealt with DeMaggio’s obnoxious bass all year long.
“Everyone asked him to stop, but he kept claiming that his music wasn’t that loud – and that everyone should hear Kanye West all the time anyways,” Waznak said.
At 12:23 am, DeMaggio had turned his stereo up as loud as it could possibly go. Many noise complaints were filed, but were ignored because all the public safety officers were busy busting students for smoking weed on the top of the Miller Parking Structure.
“That’s when I decided that enough was enough, this douchebag must die,” Waznak said. He then acquired a Glock 19 handgun from “a friend” and knocked on DeMaggio’s door. When DeMaggio answered, Waznak politely asked him to turn down the music once more.
“When I went in, I realized that he was only turning up bass of the song. He didn’t even turn up the treble, so the song was completely intelligible. It’s like the only reason he was playing it was because he knew it was really fucking loud – so I shot him,” Waznak said. The shot went cleanly through DeMaggio’s voicebox, possibly rendering him unable to speak for the rest of his life. When the gun shot occurred, it was followed by enormous applause.
The entire hall had thanked Waznak for finally bringing peace to the hall after seven months of dealing with a gigantic douchebag. Jenny Seidlitz, another resident living in the hall, was ecstatic to hear the shitty music stop.
“Jason Waznak is a hero. I can’t even begin to explain how annoying it was to constantly hear that asshole blast his bass as loud of possible,” Seidlitz said. According to Seidlitz, Waznak “totally got laid that night.”
Melissa Hedrick, the RA of Waznak’s hall, also joined in the celebration. According to Hendrick, Waznak is not only receiving absolutely no charges, but is being considered for an award of honor by the House of Residence and Housing.
“Of course we’re not going to charge Waznak, he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he was proactive in making the hall a more comfortable place for the residents and we thank him for that. If he decides to apply to be an RA, he’ll totally be on the top of the list,” Hendrick said.
DeMaggio’s parents have also had a positive reaction to the shooting, believing that their son “had it coming.”
“Seriously, if you’re going to be that much of a douchebag, you just have to assume someone is going to shoot you. Frankly, we’re thankful of his neighbor for teaching our son a valuable lesson,” DeMaggio’s father said. Both of DeMaggio’s parents have refused to see him in the hospital.
“All I know is that Colin’s paying for his own God damn hospital bill,” DeMaggio’s father continued.
Now the hall is peaceful and enjoyable. People still play music in their dorms, but at reasonable volumes. Waznak also suggested that the type of music DeMaggio was playing may have been a factor in the shooting.
“Kanye West blows dick anyway, seriously. And when you just hear the bass of the song, you can really realize that Kanye can’t keep a beat at all. I’d rather listen to Cher than Kanye,” Waznak explained.
Neither Kanye West nor Cher could be reached for comment.
Colin DeMaggio, a freshman living in Glass Hall, is currently in critical condition after being shot in his dorm by another student who lived next to him. DeMaggio had been playing Kanye West’s album “808s & Heartbreak” as loud as possible for seven months straight. The entire hall shook every time DeMaggio played the album due to his incredibly loud bass, annoying everyone in the hall.
However, one night a brave student decided to stop this act of douchery. Jason Waznak, DeMaggio’s neighbor, had dealt with DeMaggio’s obnoxious bass all year long.
“Everyone asked him to stop, but he kept claiming that his music wasn’t that loud – and that everyone should hear Kanye West all the time anyways,” Waznak said.
At 12:23 am, DeMaggio had turned his stereo up as loud as it could possibly go. Many noise complaints were filed, but were ignored because all the public safety officers were busy busting students for smoking weed on the top of the Miller Parking Structure.
“That’s when I decided that enough was enough, this douchebag must die,” Waznak said. He then acquired a Glock 19 handgun from “a friend” and knocked on DeMaggio’s door. When DeMaggio answered, Waznak politely asked him to turn down the music once more.
“When I went in, I realized that he was only turning up bass of the song. He didn’t even turn up the treble, so the song was completely intelligible. It’s like the only reason he was playing it was because he knew it was really fucking loud – so I shot him,” Waznak said. The shot went cleanly through DeMaggio’s voicebox, possibly rendering him unable to speak for the rest of his life. When the gun shot occurred, it was followed by enormous applause.
The entire hall had thanked Waznak for finally bringing peace to the hall after seven months of dealing with a gigantic douchebag. Jenny Seidlitz, another resident living in the hall, was ecstatic to hear the shitty music stop.
“Jason Waznak is a hero. I can’t even begin to explain how annoying it was to constantly hear that asshole blast his bass as loud of possible,” Seidlitz said. According to Seidlitz, Waznak “totally got laid that night.”
Melissa Hedrick, the RA of Waznak’s hall, also joined in the celebration. According to Hendrick, Waznak is not only receiving absolutely no charges, but is being considered for an award of honor by the House of Residence and Housing.
“Of course we’re not going to charge Waznak, he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he was proactive in making the hall a more comfortable place for the residents and we thank him for that. If he decides to apply to be an RA, he’ll totally be on the top of the list,” Hendrick said.
DeMaggio’s parents have also had a positive reaction to the shooting, believing that their son “had it coming.”
“Seriously, if you’re going to be that much of a douchebag, you just have to assume someone is going to shoot you. Frankly, we’re thankful of his neighbor for teaching our son a valuable lesson,” DeMaggio’s father said. Both of DeMaggio’s parents have refused to see him in the hospital.
“All I know is that Colin’s paying for his own God damn hospital bill,” DeMaggio’s father continued.
Now the hall is peaceful and enjoyable. People still play music in their dorms, but at reasonable volumes. Waznak also suggested that the type of music DeMaggio was playing may have been a factor in the shooting.
“Kanye West blows dick anyway, seriously. And when you just hear the bass of the song, you can really realize that Kanye can’t keep a beat at all. I’d rather listen to Cher than Kanye,” Waznak explained.
Neither Kanye West nor Cher could be reached for comment.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Daily Chapman Staff (and Chad) Endorse Cock-Sucking Major
By Eileen Dover
At a press conference Monday, Rev. Dr. Alan Wortwick, Editor-In-Chef of The Daily Chapman, publicly announced the support of The Daily Chapman for Chapman University’s new “Cock-Sucking” major and minor programs. “I have received far too many blowjobs from far too many young men and women at this university who don’t know what they are doing,” said Wortwick. “I endorse any program that makes sure that no bitch is gonna bite my dick off.”
Chapman’s revolutionary cock-sucking curriculum has come under wide scrutiny, most of which result in the school being called "trampy", "slutty", and/or "skanky." "That's fucking disgusting," said sophomore Adam Niggardly. "That's even more gross than that Twatsauce Couch article that Daily Chapman put out."
However, Chad has stated his full fledged approval for the motion. "Chad approves," said Chad after Monday's press conference. "Mucho gusto." Thank you Chad. Thank you so much.
At a press conference Monday, Rev. Dr. Alan Wortwick, Editor-In-Chef of The Daily Chapman, publicly announced the support of The Daily Chapman for Chapman University’s new “Cock-Sucking” major and minor programs. “I have received far too many blowjobs from far too many young men and women at this university who don’t know what they are doing,” said Wortwick. “I endorse any program that makes sure that no bitch is gonna bite my dick off.”
Chapman’s revolutionary cock-sucking curriculum has come under wide scrutiny, most of which result in the school being called "trampy", "slutty", and/or "skanky." "That's fucking disgusting," said sophomore Adam Niggardly. "That's even more gross than that Twatsauce Couch article that Daily Chapman put out."
However, Chad has stated his full fledged approval for the motion. "Chad approves," said Chad after Monday's press conference. "Mucho gusto." Thank you Chad. Thank you so much.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Final Valentine's Day / President's Day Weekend Statistics
by Officer John Minkle, Chief of Security, Offices of the Daily Chapman
Here are the final statistics for the Offices of the Daily Chapman between the dates of February 12 and February 15.
Registered Staff Members in Office for Over 24 Hours: 5
Guest Entrances: 72
Sessions of Intercourse: 216
Positive Pregnancy Tests: 18
Handles of Vodka Consumed: 6
Handles of Rum Consumed: 11
Handles of Gin Consumed: 4
Liters of Mixers Consumed: 43
Feelings of Remorse: 12%
Positive Sexual Experiences: 91.5%
Individuals Anticipating Future Relationships: 23
Dumb People Engaged In Intercourse: 23
Articles Written: 0
Overall, numbers show a 42% increase in satisfaction from last year's enjoyable activities. To register for the 2011 Holiday Weekend at the Offices of the Daily Chapman, contact Alan Wortwick at awortwick@dailychapman.com.
Here are the final statistics for the Offices of the Daily Chapman between the dates of February 12 and February 15.
Registered Staff Members in Office for Over 24 Hours: 5
Guest Entrances: 72
Sessions of Intercourse: 216
Positive Pregnancy Tests: 18
Handles of Vodka Consumed: 6
Handles of Rum Consumed: 11
Handles of Gin Consumed: 4
Liters of Mixers Consumed: 43
Feelings of Remorse: 12%
Positive Sexual Experiences: 91.5%
Individuals Anticipating Future Relationships: 23
Dumb People Engaged In Intercourse: 23
Articles Written: 0
Overall, numbers show a 42% increase in satisfaction from last year's enjoyable activities. To register for the 2011 Holiday Weekend at the Offices of the Daily Chapman, contact Alan Wortwick at awortwick@dailychapman.com.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Super MASH Bros!!!
The Daily Chapman recommends tonight's Super MASH Bros concert in the Chapman Gymnasium if you are in the mood to shake your groove thing. Doors are at 9:30 pm. See you there.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Chapman Administration Announces Plans for Ropes Course Between Sandhu Residences and Cafeteria
by Richard S. Huge
Wednesday, Chapman Administrators announced the inclusion of a new ropes course in between Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria facilities. "Students have bitching about not being able to directly from the dorm building to the cafeteria," said Assistant to the Vice President Adam Malone. "So we've decided to put in a ropes course between the Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria. If you little fuckers want to take the short way to the caf, then you can tight rope there."
The decision has been greeted with much excitement. "I'm stoked," said student Anna Nuñez. "I've always wanted to zip-line to dinner."
Others are less excited. "How the fuck do you expect me to get my fat ass across a rope? Seriously." said that kid Dave that no one likes.
Other than Dave, there's really been little complaint and we all hate that asshole anyway. So, yeah. This is a good thing. This is the word of the Lord.
Wednesday, Chapman Administrators announced the inclusion of a new ropes course in between Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria facilities. "Students have bitching about not being able to directly from the dorm building to the cafeteria," said Assistant to the Vice President Adam Malone. "So we've decided to put in a ropes course between the Sandhu Residences and the cafeteria. If you little fuckers want to take the short way to the caf, then you can tight rope there."
The decision has been greeted with much excitement. "I'm stoked," said student Anna Nuñez. "I've always wanted to zip-line to dinner."
Others are less excited. "How the fuck do you expect me to get my fat ass across a rope? Seriously." said that kid Dave that no one likes.
Other than Dave, there's really been little complaint and we all hate that asshole anyway. So, yeah. This is a good thing. This is the word of the Lord.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Public Safety Car Frightens Student
by Michael Podaras
Last night, at approximately 11:38 p.m., student Andrew Benton was terrified to see that he had made an illegal u-turn directly in front of a dark colored Dodge Charger whilst attempting a daring street parking maneuver outside of the Davis Apartments. "For about four seconds I was terrified that I was going to receive some sort of citation," said Benton. "Then I realized it was our ever charming and responsible Department of Public Safety! My feeling of safety and comfort was restored."
This marks the first and only time that a Public Safety officer has been able to successfully terrify a student. "It's a matter of vehicle," said Law Enforcement Analyst Mitchell Rainert. "The Charger is an absolutely terrifying
looking vehicle. You see that car and you think that some macho guy who has taken so many steroids that he has to compensate for his length challenged genitalia is going to step out and whip your ass. Then a friendly, lanky Public Safety officer steps out to ensure that you're not drinking or parking in the wrong area and that's when you realize: the Public Safety car is far more terrifying than the actual officers."
After their failed "Don't Fuck With The Law" campaign (see left) rumors have it that Public Safety is yet again working on their public image and working on a "Your Friendly Neighborhood Public Safety" campaign. Uniform changes to more productive blue and red spandex are expected to happen in the coming months. Let us all take time to thank our local officers for making our lives so much more safe and pleasant.
Last night, at approximately 11:38 p.m., student Andrew Benton was terrified to see that he had made an illegal u-turn directly in front of a dark colored Dodge Charger whilst attempting a daring street parking maneuver outside of the Davis Apartments. "For about four seconds I was terrified that I was going to receive some sort of citation," said Benton. "Then I realized it was our ever charming and responsible Department of Public Safety! My feeling of safety and comfort was restored."
This marks the first and only time that a Public Safety officer has been able to successfully terrify a student. "It's a matter of vehicle," said Law Enforcement Analyst Mitchell Rainert. "The Charger is an absolutely terrifying
looking vehicle. You see that car and you think that some macho guy who has taken so many steroids that he has to compensate for his length challenged genitalia is going to step out and whip your ass. Then a friendly, lanky Public Safety officer steps out to ensure that you're not drinking or parking in the wrong area and that's when you realize: the Public Safety car is far more terrifying than the actual officers." After their failed "Don't Fuck With The Law" campaign (see left) rumors have it that Public Safety is yet again working on their public image and working on a "Your Friendly Neighborhood Public Safety" campaign. Uniform changes to more productive blue and red spandex are expected to happen in the coming months. Let us all take time to thank our local officers for making our lives so much more safe and pleasant.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Fraternity is COMPLETELY Sincere
by The New Guy
Americans everywhere are questioning the legitimacy of fraternities’ hazing rituals after recent reports surfaced of activities which resulted in life-threatening injuries to students across the country. Nationwide, Colleges have instituted strict no-hazing policies, but the question still lingers on the Chapman University campus, if the Greek system here has allowed, or even encouraged, the brutal hazing rituals that are now illegal in most states.
One such fraternity in question is Pi Kappa Alpha, whose “Hell Week” practices of the past have caused three prospective pledges to break bones, three more to contract venereal diseases, and several more to develop severe cases of post traumatic stress disorder. “Yeah, that pledge class was pretty weak,” stated the president of PKA’s Chapman chapter, Nicholas Marcuso, in an interview given inside PKA’s fraternity house. “You’re talking about that class from two years ago with all the broken bones and herpes and shit, right? Yeah, they kind of sucked. But they made it through and now they’re full-fledged brothers! And I think it’s a sign that nothing really bad happened to them because they carry on those same traditions to this day.” Marcuso indicated several fraternity brothers on the front lawn covering new pledges with honey and periodically shaking a large crate labeled “Vicious bees.”
“We’re very conscious of the image fraternities have in the mass media right now, and we want to make it known, the Pike brotherhood actively opposes hazing. It’s just wrong. That’s why we allow only respectful, un-coerced, safe, ‘Initiation Activities.’…We’ve always put our pledges through a highly selective screening process, and we always will,” Marcuso stated while globbing a fistful of Vaseline on to a broom handle. “Our fraternity has a rich tradition of excellence in all areas of life, from athletics, to refusing to cooperate with the authorities.
In a tour of the fraternity house, Marcuso showed off the myriad trophies and works of art adorning the walls. “These are my class’s paddles, mine’s the one with the bullseye on it. And next to it, that’s the class before mine’s paddles. Uh, next to those, that’s some more paddles, upstairs we have most of the older classes’ paddles. We actually had to put a lot of paddles in storage so most of them aren’t here.” When questioned about the disturbing smell emanating from the basement, Marcuso explained, “Don’t worry about that.”
Out on the front lawn, that day’s Initiation Activites were in their fifth hour. Ten pledges, eight freshman and two sophomores, stood perched on blocks of ice while reciting the pledge of allegiance in Spanish. “I like this one because it’s ironic,” explained Chad Dumont, a Junior in Pi Kappa Alpha. The pledges' enthusiasm for such acts seemed questionable, but the prospective members were all informed by senior brothers in the house that, “They love it.”
One pledge, Thomas Kesey, had his ball gag removed long enough to voice his enthusiasm for the Hell Week process. “It’s tough, yeah, but we just have to be tougher. Someday we’re going to be the leaders of this organization, and our younger brothers have to know they can trust us. I’m wearing this adult diaper all week because it means something.” When asked if he could hear crying coming from the garage, Kesey replied, “Nope.”
Back in the living room, Marcuso further pontificated on the future of PKA while adjusting his chair, Freshman Mike Huntley. “We realize our brotherhood has something of a tarnished reputation, and we’re taking steps to change that by reaching out to the community and really trying to make a difference, you know? That’s why, all last weekend, we had our pledges out on the side of the I-5 picking up garbage in wedding dresses. It’s because community.”
Marcuso concluded the interview by elaborating on his idea of the perfect fraternity brother, one who embodies his Pillars of Excellence: Fidelity, Loyalty, Stoicism, a Somewhat Unreliable Memory, Forgiveness, and Shame.
So has the university’s Greek system institutionalized abusive practices against potential members? The answer, for now, appears positive. But one challenge that will continue to hang on Pi Kappa Alpha is the disappearance of one Kyle Dorsey, one of the fraternity’s pledges from last year who went missing right around the time he was going through PKA’s Hell Week. As to whether or not he remembered the freshman, Marcuso replied, “What? I…No, no I don’t have to answer those types of questions. Why are you… Wait, you’re not a cop right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. That’s a thing, right?” After staring at his hands in total silence for twenty minutes, Marcuso added another pillar of excellence, Being Able to Forgive Oneself. “Also, wrestling.”
Americans everywhere are questioning the legitimacy of fraternities’ hazing rituals after recent reports surfaced of activities which resulted in life-threatening injuries to students across the country. Nationwide, Colleges have instituted strict no-hazing policies, but the question still lingers on the Chapman University campus, if the Greek system here has allowed, or even encouraged, the brutal hazing rituals that are now illegal in most states.
One such fraternity in question is Pi Kappa Alpha, whose “Hell Week” practices of the past have caused three prospective pledges to break bones, three more to contract venereal diseases, and several more to develop severe cases of post traumatic stress disorder. “Yeah, that pledge class was pretty weak,” stated the president of PKA’s Chapman chapter, Nicholas Marcuso, in an interview given inside PKA’s fraternity house. “You’re talking about that class from two years ago with all the broken bones and herpes and shit, right? Yeah, they kind of sucked. But they made it through and now they’re full-fledged brothers! And I think it’s a sign that nothing really bad happened to them because they carry on those same traditions to this day.” Marcuso indicated several fraternity brothers on the front lawn covering new pledges with honey and periodically shaking a large crate labeled “Vicious bees.”
“We’re very conscious of the image fraternities have in the mass media right now, and we want to make it known, the Pike brotherhood actively opposes hazing. It’s just wrong. That’s why we allow only respectful, un-coerced, safe, ‘Initiation Activities.’…We’ve always put our pledges through a highly selective screening process, and we always will,” Marcuso stated while globbing a fistful of Vaseline on to a broom handle. “Our fraternity has a rich tradition of excellence in all areas of life, from athletics, to refusing to cooperate with the authorities.
In a tour of the fraternity house, Marcuso showed off the myriad trophies and works of art adorning the walls. “These are my class’s paddles, mine’s the one with the bullseye on it. And next to it, that’s the class before mine’s paddles. Uh, next to those, that’s some more paddles, upstairs we have most of the older classes’ paddles. We actually had to put a lot of paddles in storage so most of them aren’t here.” When questioned about the disturbing smell emanating from the basement, Marcuso explained, “Don’t worry about that.”
Out on the front lawn, that day’s Initiation Activites were in their fifth hour. Ten pledges, eight freshman and two sophomores, stood perched on blocks of ice while reciting the pledge of allegiance in Spanish. “I like this one because it’s ironic,” explained Chad Dumont, a Junior in Pi Kappa Alpha. The pledges' enthusiasm for such acts seemed questionable, but the prospective members were all informed by senior brothers in the house that, “They love it.”
One pledge, Thomas Kesey, had his ball gag removed long enough to voice his enthusiasm for the Hell Week process. “It’s tough, yeah, but we just have to be tougher. Someday we’re going to be the leaders of this organization, and our younger brothers have to know they can trust us. I’m wearing this adult diaper all week because it means something.” When asked if he could hear crying coming from the garage, Kesey replied, “Nope.”
Back in the living room, Marcuso further pontificated on the future of PKA while adjusting his chair, Freshman Mike Huntley. “We realize our brotherhood has something of a tarnished reputation, and we’re taking steps to change that by reaching out to the community and really trying to make a difference, you know? That’s why, all last weekend, we had our pledges out on the side of the I-5 picking up garbage in wedding dresses. It’s because community.”
Marcuso concluded the interview by elaborating on his idea of the perfect fraternity brother, one who embodies his Pillars of Excellence: Fidelity, Loyalty, Stoicism, a Somewhat Unreliable Memory, Forgiveness, and Shame.
So has the university’s Greek system institutionalized abusive practices against potential members? The answer, for now, appears positive. But one challenge that will continue to hang on Pi Kappa Alpha is the disappearance of one Kyle Dorsey, one of the fraternity’s pledges from last year who went missing right around the time he was going through PKA’s Hell Week. As to whether or not he remembered the freshman, Marcuso replied, “What? I…No, no I don’t have to answer those types of questions. Why are you… Wait, you’re not a cop right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. That’s a thing, right?” After staring at his hands in total silence for twenty minutes, Marcuso added another pillar of excellence, Being Able to Forgive Oneself. “Also, wrestling.”
Monday, February 8, 2010
Chapman Department of Housing and Residence Life Soon To Take Over World
By Anal Dinosaurs
In an editorial released on The Panther online today, Jerry Price discussed Chapman’s new plan to take over the world. According to Price, the Department of Housing and Residence Life’s sovereignty now extends to all off-campus housing. “[If] off-campus incidents [are determined]… to the level of an egregious disruption,” says Price, “disciplinary action will be taken.”
In accordance with the new plan, the City of Orange and other surrounding cities will be divided into special districts, which will be governed individually by Resident Dictators (RDs) and their assistants, deemed Dictator’s Official Undergraduate Cops Having Executive Sovereignty (DOUCHES). These DOUCHES will stop by occasionally to off-campus residences to make sure that your residence is devoid of alcohol, marijuana and heroin and to tell you about cool bake sales and movie screenings. In the occurrence of a noise complaint or other egregious disruption (including smoking outdoors in close proximity to your residence, possessing candles or toasters, and putting tacks or nails into your walls), the DOUCHES will cite you and return said citation to the area RD, will take appropriate action.
“We trusted that students would be intelligent enough not to have candles in their homes and risk the destruction of their residence,” said Assistant to the Resident Director Michael Burle. “I guess we misjudged our student’s ability to possess common sense.”
According to Price, these new measures will take effect immediately and any individual with two or more of said “egregious disruptions” should expect immediate probation with the potential for suspension on the third. Rumors that students who have already committed in excess of six “egregious disruptions” in the past are to be dick slapped immediately have not yet been confirmed.
Students with questions regarding this new policy should e-mail Jerry Price at jprice@chapman.edu.
In an editorial released on The Panther online today, Jerry Price discussed Chapman’s new plan to take over the world. According to Price, the Department of Housing and Residence Life’s sovereignty now extends to all off-campus housing. “[If] off-campus incidents [are determined]… to the level of an egregious disruption,” says Price, “disciplinary action will be taken.”
In accordance with the new plan, the City of Orange and other surrounding cities will be divided into special districts, which will be governed individually by Resident Dictators (RDs) and their assistants, deemed Dictator’s Official Undergraduate Cops Having Executive Sovereignty (DOUCHES). These DOUCHES will stop by occasionally to off-campus residences to make sure that your residence is devoid of alcohol, marijuana and heroin and to tell you about cool bake sales and movie screenings. In the occurrence of a noise complaint or other egregious disruption (including smoking outdoors in close proximity to your residence, possessing candles or toasters, and putting tacks or nails into your walls), the DOUCHES will cite you and return said citation to the area RD, will take appropriate action.
“We trusted that students would be intelligent enough not to have candles in their homes and risk the destruction of their residence,” said Assistant to the Resident Director Michael Burle. “I guess we misjudged our student’s ability to possess common sense.”
According to Price, these new measures will take effect immediately and any individual with two or more of said “egregious disruptions” should expect immediate probation with the potential for suspension on the third. Rumors that students who have already committed in excess of six “egregious disruptions” in the past are to be dick slapped immediately have not yet been confirmed.
Students with questions regarding this new policy should e-mail Jerry Price at jprice@chapman.edu.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Closure
The Daily Chapman is currently closed in observance of the Grenadian Independence Day Holiday weekend. To voice your concerns or complaints, please e-mail admin@dailychapman.com.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Daily Chapman Relinquishes Control To College Republicans; DailyChapman.com Now Best Thing Ever
by Aaron Schmitt
After over a week of aggressive negotiations, owners and operators of the former "Daily Chapman" have willingly and authentically handed over control of their fun and games newspaper to the incredible powers that be in the College Republicans club.
"We're extremely excited," said Vice Chair Nicoli McKale. "DailyChapman.com now stands for the greatest moral force in the galaxy. We will band together as a university and everyone shall hear, 'Hail Pete the Panther!' as we march through our glorious campus, free of homos and abortion."
Under the new authority, DailyChapman.com will now be a gajillion times better. It will openly oppose those homosexuals and abortion, as well as women's and race rights. It will also demand lower taxes, raise tuition rates (to support the great Jim Doti and Pete the Panther), move in a direction towards the Christian right and only focus on that which is most important to us as human beings: our money.
For the first time ever, the GOP will finally have a voice at Chapman: a voice that opposes those goddamn hippies and stands for that which is morally right. We promise you that we will forever support Chapman and lower taxes, that we we will forever support truth and jusitce, pro-life and Proposition 8. We will be a power. We will be a voice. We are DailyChapman.com: The GOP's First and Only News Site Devoted to School Spirit.
Thank you for your support of this transition. May God bless you.
After over a week of aggressive negotiations, owners and operators of the former "Daily Chapman" have willingly and authentically handed over control of their fun and games newspaper to the incredible powers that be in the College Republicans club.
"We're extremely excited," said Vice Chair Nicoli McKale. "DailyChapman.com now stands for the greatest moral force in the galaxy. We will band together as a university and everyone shall hear, 'Hail Pete the Panther!' as we march through our glorious campus, free of homos and abortion."
Under the new authority, DailyChapman.com will now be a gajillion times better. It will openly oppose those homosexuals and abortion, as well as women's and race rights. It will also demand lower taxes, raise tuition rates (to support the great Jim Doti and Pete the Panther), move in a direction towards the Christian right and only focus on that which is most important to us as human beings: our money.
For the first time ever, the GOP will finally have a voice at Chapman: a voice that opposes those goddamn hippies and stands for that which is morally right. We promise you that we will forever support Chapman and lower taxes, that we we will forever support truth and jusitce, pro-life and Proposition 8. We will be a power. We will be a voice. We are DailyChapman.com: The GOP's First and Only News Site Devoted to School Spirit.
Thank you for your support of this transition. May God bless you.
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