Typical Spring Break Letter

Dear Fans of The Daily Chapman,

Alan Wortwick and his staff are sad to report that they will not be reporting the news during the Spring break due to excessive alcohol abuse and premarital unprotected sex. Please return Monday, April 5 for continuing coverage of all the usual bullshit that we subject ourselves to. 

Sincerely,

The Intern

The Department of Pubic Safety Formed to Save Genitals

by Enfo Marshall 

It has been reported recently that there is rampant sexual activity occurring between or among students attending Chapman University. In accordance with cheesy PSA's, there always is "that guy" in the orgy, being the one with a crippling sexually transmitted disease. Said guy comes to the party, "forgets" a condom, and comes at the party, leaving the rest of the party goers with an everlasting party misfavor.

With the steady increase of sexually transmitted diseases, Chapman administration has started to become worried about the health of their students. "The other day I saw some douchebag wearing a shirt that said 'I put the STD in Stud.' I hate people like that. I can never figure out where to get shirts like that," remarked Chapman University Chairman of Sexual Activities Involving Alternative Furniture Buckworth Genington.  

Due to alarm and concern for the intense promiscuity of Chapman students, Genington decided that funds should be spent to create a new campus safety organization called "The Department of Pubic Safety." "The Department of Pubic Safety is a great way for people to have incredulous sexual adventures while also not having to worry about the possibility of harvesting a 'virus baby,'" commented Genington. As Genington described the project, 'lame' students will be recruited to go to parties and watch for people going into situations of "sexual danger." 

"This is bullshit," stated Jeff in response to the formation of the Department. "I was getting laid when a guy pulled out a badge and told me to pull out or face the partial force of a not official law." Many students have violently opposed the creation of the Department of Pubic Safety saying such things as "What the fuck?" "Fucking cockblocking asshole," and "This infringes upon one of my amendments." There has been a reported case of Bob Shwinehowzer, wearer of a shirt that stated "Bob, the Man (arrow pointing up), the legend (arrow pointing down), who successfully finished a session of sexual intercourse while being bombarded by three officers of Pubic Safety.  

Due to a lack of student support and being questionable as to what they actually do for their job, the jobs of the officers of the Department of Pubic Safety are at great risk. With a lack of popularity, the Department funded the purchasing of sleek new mopeds for enforcing the "law," with no gain of credibility to the force. "It is unfortunate that students don't appreciate us trying to help them from getting diseases, babies, or death," stated Pubic Safety Officer Davey Shinkle. With the Department in no lack of financial resources and no support from the people which they enforce, it looks like the Department of Pubic Safety is here to stay, whether we like it or not. At least they have their cool mopeds.

Doti, Struppa, Wortwick Absent From Panel Discussion About Multicultural Center

by Eric Wright

In light of the successful creation of 3,600 new "Global Citizens" due to the Global Citizens Plaza, students in a panel discussion that no one knew about last Thursday voted unanimously that Chapman needs a several million dollar multicultural center. To nobody's surprise, many rational and economically-minded individuals including James L. Doti, Daniele Struppa and Alan Wortwick were not in attendance and are recorded to have not been in support of such a center in the past.

"We have a five year plan," said Doti (and the old balls guy from the Big Daddy movie). "That plan includes things that put us on a path to national stature, like a science facility and additions to our world-renowned film school. What do you want? Ethnic celebration or the continuation of human thought and science?"

"It's a matter of donor support," said Wortwick after a private budget meeting with Chapman President Doti and United States of America President Barack Obama. "Chapman's funding comes largely from rich, predominately white, Orange County businessmen. It's easy to convince them to help us build a science facility so that we can have engineering majors who will one day build them 80 TB Flash iPod and chemically produce super viagra. It's less easy to convince them that we should replace current plans for such a science center with plans for a building that celebrates everyone except for those of European decent and has no beneficial academic use."

"The matter of racial diversity is something that many people see as a problem," said President and sole-member of the Turkish Student Union Vladimir Misnikov. "However, I don't believe that a superficial big building that will be about as popular as the Holocaust exhibit on the fourth floor of Leatherby Libraries is the answer to making people more tolerant and racially aware. Plus, the Turkish section would be what? A foot of a wall? There's no way to adequately represent everyone. Most importantly the Turkish Student Union. Hail!"

With the superficial nature and apathy of most Chapman students, it is expected that tuition dollars will be diverted away from academics to assist in the making of the multicultural center already named "Argyros II: A Failure To Create An Actual Student Center". "I hope they have comfy couches," said student Shaniqua LeQuanza. "Otherwise, I'm never going there."

More on this as it develops.

AS Presidential Elections Racist

by a White Guy

As Chapman strides to be more politically correct and accepting of all races and demographics, studies show that they are becoming increasingly racist against caucasians. "I'm not a racist," said Jim Doti. "Some of my best friends are white."

The recent AS Presidential Elections support these allegations. "We believe that Indian Americans are better suited to lead us than dumbass white fuckers," said faculty director of Associated Students Mirenda Picurnos. "White kids are just lazy."

Although no African Americans, Asian Americans, European Americans or Aussies were found to be on the ballot either, all jokes pertaining to those groups are still considered horribly racist and will not be posted by this honky. Instead, I will go grab some grape drank and some fried rice after, of course, I throw another shrimp on the barbie. Yummy.

Vote Kahan. He got me a free cheeseburger one time.

Stupid Kid Gets iPad, World Pissed

by Angry Leperchauns

According to eye witnesses, that douche bag Steve got an iPad already by clicking one of those stupid internet pop-ups. "It was really easy!" said that total cock fuck. "I just clicked it and added all my friends on Facebook and it came in the mail!" 

That fuckwad has been seeing douching about with his iPad around campus since approximately Wednesday at noon. He was first sighted using it in Attallah plaza looking at porn. "Its a revolutionary new porn experience," said that bitch sucking twat. "I've changed how I will look at porn for the rest of my life." 

While many students are still pretty excited about the new iPad, most have been totally turned off by it. "Dude. Steve has it." said a shallow bastard. "Fuck that. I don't want to be compared to him." 

"I'm angry," said Vincent Faggio. "I have nothing more to say."

St.... PAAAddddddddies DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAYYYYYYYYYY

bygnv Agiegont worms

HOLYYYGHS SHTTTTTTTT~~!!!!! ST PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFhnmkdtties DAY! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuciuhg daiyl chapmgoes is awmdefme!!!!!!!   hjg9rsfdxijp jiasdghpies jirgsjerk;fvsnm;lg isfj slkjs iorj osrjg iosejrgiosejrgios ewif srrgljs dkfjskldgjsgjespugj awefj [9awef sk sdjvs djis dj skdjf;s djfkl;sdjf; wejfjref;ksjdk;fjsdklfjskl;djfkls;djfklsdjf irejg;werkfvdifdkfujeofjisdkjsfjlskdfjklsdjfklsdjfklsjdfklsdjfklsdjfklsdjflsdjkfljsdlkfjsdlkfjsdklfjkldsfjklsdfjklsjkldfjksldfj LEPERFSD HCAUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET SOME!

Prospective Jordanian Students Outraged by Global Citizens Plaza

by Craigory Fonzi

Prospective students from the Middle Eastern nation of Jordan were outraged Monday to learn that the Jordanian flag hung at the Global Citizens Plaza is upside down.

"You really expect me to come to a school that disrespects my country that much," said one of the students. "No way Chapman. You're never getting $160,000 out of me!"

"It's an outrage," said Jordanian Prime Minister Samir Rifai. "This is special middle finger from Chapman University. We got to war, NOW!"

Although Jim Doti was unavailable for comment, members of the Pi Kappa Beta fraternity were seen at their fraternity house across from Hooves' Liquor Mart suiting up and preparing for battle. "No A-Rab is going to take me alive," said unknown white-hooded figure. "I'm gonna fight these turban-wearers to the grave!"

Horrible, disjunctive racism aside, the flag is actually upside down. We're not fucking around here. The green bar is on the top. The black is on bottom. An image of the actual Jordanian flag has been provided for Chapman's assistance.

So much for diversity week...

10 out 10 Students Prefer To Have Meat In Their Mouths

by Angry Leprechauns named Jesus and Jose

According to a recent survey by the sociology department, ten out of ten students prefer to have meat in their mouths as opposed to weird, green, leafy things.

"Weird, green, leafy things?" said student Argentina Chipotle. "That doesn't sound sexy at all. I'd rather just have it raw in my mouth."

"I don't really know how I feel about meat in my mouth," said student Michael Perrara, "but weird leafy things just... I'll pass."

Although questions have arisen about the wording of the survey, many stand behind the findings. "Super blowsy orgy! My house next Tuesday," said Professor Whinningham.

In accordance with all sociology department surveys, no pussies, vegetarians, assholes, cum-guzzling thundercunts, lepers, depressed housewifes, arrogant pricks, Jews, people named Adam, alcoholics, recording artists, construction workers, Russians, people who use sporks, psychologists, dancers or over-emotional people in the theater department were included in the survey. The survey includes a 40% margin of error and a fourteen-inch penis.

More on this story as it develops.

Jim Doti Action Figure Release Postponed

by Arlington T. Jefferson

According to University Press, Hasbro Toys has halted production on the highly-anticipated Jim Doti action figure due to a recent ad campaign by local Orange sex shop "A Touch of Romance". The recent campaign, which has taken campus by storm, reads very simply: "The difference between a toy and an adult toy is location, location, location." 

"We really don't want our administrator action figures to be used as attachments to clitoral vibrators," said Dean of Students Jerry Price. "I just don't think Mrs. Price or Mrs. Doti would feel comfortable about that. The whole BB Gun into the laundry chute was one thing. This is something else entirely." 

Students have had mixed responses. "I would've loved to say that I had Doti in my vagina," said one student. "The whole thought of the thing is really gross, actually," said another. "I ate a big red candle," said William P. Blackwell.

Although Hasbro has announced that the toys have been halted indefinitely, inside sources tell Daily Chapman that production should resume sometime next Spring. Sorry ladies. Your vaginas will have to wait one more year. 

That Kid Who Dropped Out Freshman Year Now Looking For Dates On Craigslist

by Investigative Report Alan Reeves

According to research performed by prominent party members, that kid who dropped out Freshman year is currently "searching for love" on Craigslist. "I'm not looking for anything too quick," read the ad. "I just want to not be so lonely all the time." Said like a true kid who flunked out of Chapman. 

A recent survey of college dropouts shows that Chapman students have a 98% higher chance of being so depressed that they start using websites like Craigslist and Match.com to find that "special someone". The other 2% look for Japanese sex computers.

"Its obvious why," said Chancellor Danielle Strupa. "We teach kids at Chapman how to fuck. How to fuck long and how to fuck hard. They're not up for any of this 'finding love' bullshit. We're all about hard fucking." 

In other news, studies show a 12% increase of members of the Kappa Beta Tau sorority looking for sex on the casual encounters section of Craigslist. More on this story as it develops. 

Really Neat Club Created, No One Informed

by Richard Randolf Dyck III

Sources tell the Daily Chapman that some students got together and
made a really cool club. This comes as a huge surprise to the mostly
ignorant campus.

"I had no idea," said some guy in your Political Science class (you
know, the one you get really high before you go). "We have clubs?"

Although the supposed club is really neat in conception, it has five
members to date. "It's really kind of sad," said club leader girl who
you've never heard of. "I thought we had something really neat here.
Something that people would want to be apart of. I guess people just
don't have passion."

According to that one guy who sits next to you in Pre-Calculus, the
leaders and members of this club are getting "really fucking tired" of
having "no one attend". He suspects the club will dissolve within the
week, just like your virginity the first week of college (Yeah. We
know about that. We're the Daily Chapman, motherfucker).

Chapman Announces New Calcium Anthropology Major

by Richard Dyck

Due to a recent string of sexual encounters between local Chapman commuter students and area milkmen, Chapman has decided to launch a new Calcium Anthropology program in order to train women how to respond to these incredibly attractive and debonair gentlemen.

Calcium Anthropology, also known as the study of milkmen, is a rare program among college campuses and one that Doti believes will give Chapman the upper hand. "Schmid College has been working very hard the last few years to gain recognition," says Doti. "I believe that our new Calcium Anthropology program will put us on the map and really make our Schmid College of Science a prominent place for those interested in the field."

Although official major requirements have not yet been reached, Dr. Stroviknik mentioned in a personal interview that "the coursework will include very basic classes, like human anatomy, history of milk, karma sutra for milkmen, etc. etc."

More on this story as it develops.

This is the 300th Daily Chapman article ever published (bitches).

Student Placed in Hurt Locker

by Adam Wiggly

Sunday evening at approximately 11pm, after being inspired by the Oscar-Award for Best Picture, a resident, who's name has yet to be released, took student Michael Malone and beat him senseless on the promenade between Henley Hall and Pralle-Sodaro Hall. Malone was then dragged by the unknown student to Wilkinson Hall where he was placed in a locker. The Department of Public Safety found Malone in the locker four hours later and were perplexed by a sign on the door reading, "The Hurt Locker".

"It's really an outrage," said student Andrew Martinez. "To think that a student would do this sort of thing to another student is simply horrifying."

"We have lockers?" said another student.

Research is continuing into whether or not Chapman has lockers and whether or not it should. The Department of Public Safety had this to say on the subject, "We think that lockers would be a huge issue. Too many spots to hide drugs."

"Why don't we have lockers?" said the aforementioned student.

"Mmmm... Yes... Chapman... Lockers..." said another student. "I think you're making this shit up."

SkyMall to Launch New Dating Magazine for Chapman

by Raggedy Anne

On a recent visit to Orange County, executives from The Greenspun Corporation stopped by Chapman University looking for new opportunities and new markets for future publications. Greenspun, which has spent the last 20 years in a joint venture with Spire Capital publishing a publication called "SkyMall", is looking forward to starting an all new "Chapman Dating" magazine.

"We noticed a lot of similarities between most of the individuals we saw at Chapman University and the items we sell in our SkyMall magazine," said SkyMall C.E.O. Jeff Levitt. "We ultimately believe it would be an easy and cost-effective idea because we'd be able to use formatting and concepts that we already use to sell less-than-appetizing products in our SkyMall magazine. It should be really easy and fun for everyone involved."

Although mildly offended by the idea, Dean of Students Jerry Price thinks that "it will really help Chapman students live happier, sexier lives. I ultimately believe that students should be having more unprotected sex and producing more future Panthers."

Chapman Dating is expected to be published on a semesterly basis and will be available in the seat pocket in front of you.

Student Meets Conan O'Brien on ChatRoulette

by Internet Report Andrew Melcock

While cruising around the new internet sensation "ChatRoulette" Tuesday night, student Mark Hayson was startled to have met Conan O'Brien, newly unemployed former host of the Tonight Show on NBC.

"It was a real honor," said Hayson. "I immediately put my dick back in my shorts, but before I could say hello, he was gone... There's no mistaking that hair though."

The former talk show host had little to say about the experience beyond a statement left on his twitter, which simply said, "'Jumbo' shrimp? WTF!!" Hayson's rebuttal was simply to say, "I have no idea what that means, but if Conan said it, I will cherish it forever."

In other news, Alan Wortwick and O'Brien have enter negotiations to bring the esteemed jobless man to The Daily Chapman, but unfortunately, mention of this fact was only to make the article seem longer and more impressive than it actually is and no agreement was henceforth made.

Conservatory of Music Announces Tay Zonday As Artist-In-Residence for Fall 2010

by YouPorn Star Angela Sexkitten

Monday, Chapman's Conservatory of Music announced that YouTube Sensation Tay Zonday, most popularly known for his esteemed piece "Chocolate Rain" (http://www.youtube.com/v/EwTZ2xpQwpA), which has over 48 million views on YouTube, will be joining the faculty for the Conservatory of Music in Fall 2010 as the honorary Artist-In-Residence.

"Zonday is a brilliant musician," said Dean of the College of Performing Arts Bill Hall. "He is exactly the kind of role-model that we want for our students. With his flawless voice and incredible composition talent, he is the perfect example of what it takes to be hugely successful in the music industry."

Students have mixed feelings about Zonday's arrival. "Didn't he get popular for being retarded on YouTube?" said one student. "Fuck, yeah! Chocolate Rain! Chapman University LIVE 2010! Woo!" said another. "I never thought my tuition dollars would go to a YouTube star," said Alan Wortwick. "Please kill me," said Larry Prendergast.

I've always wanted to say this: Chocolate Rain, bitches.

Daily Chapman Launches New '31 Days To Improve Your Life' Campaign

by Wallaby Shmallaby

Today, The Daily Chapman launched their revolutionary new "31 Days To Improve Your Life Campaign," which has been met with thunderous applause all over campus as hundreds of students sign-up eagerly with hopes of living a happier, healthier, more enjoyable life.

"If anyone knows how to live 'the good life'," said sophomore Adam Pensky, "It's the Daily Chapman. Those fuckers fuck a lot of bitches. I'm really excited!"

At a press conference on Sunday, Alan Wortwick announced the first week of events. "I ain't telling you fuckers everything," said Wortwick. "The good life has surprise. Dick slap!"

Wortwick describe the following event schedule for the next week:
March 1: Stop giving a shit. - Not giving a shit improves your life by drastically reducing your desire to give a shit.
March 2: Grow a moustache. - Life's better with moustaches.
March 3: Fuck Hoes. - We all gotta do it.
March 4: Wine and Cheese. - You gotta be classy, motherfuckers.
March 5: Get crunk and watch Crank. - You'll laugh like a little school girl.
March 6: Hangover Busters. - No description necessary.
March 7: Wear gay pride wear in front of religious institutions. - Necessary.

Rumors are circulating that other events may include: ending every conversation with "I'm Rick James, bitch,", excessive muff-slap day, eating a 4x4 at In-N-Out and naked day.

Truly this will be an inspirational, life-changing month for Chapman students.